FicWad

Gerard’s POV
Rewind.
I woke up in a daze, trying to figure out where I was. Shitty couches, small room, door. Okay I'm in the back room of the bus; obviously my bus because there weren’t pills and condoms scattered everywhere. I remembered what happened before I blacked out; I was at the meet and greet and I was trying to leave, though I couldn’t remember why…
I licked my lips and felt something in my brain click. I didn’t know what it was but I had this taste on my tongue and this feeling in my heart that told me exactly why I was trying to leave and exactly what I was going to do next. I had to break up with Bert; I had to stop all these things that I was doing to myself and… I swallowed hard… I had to tell Frank how I felt about him. I would never get better if I didn’t. It doesn’t matter if he didn’t feel the same way and I had misread his signals from that week in West Chester. I knew I had to do this.
My body shook with anticipation as I got up, slightly light headed, and made my way off the bus. I ran through my head what I was going to say to Bert and how I was going to leave him. I thought through the situation and came to the conclusion that I was going to use him having an STD as an excuse. I couldn’t be with someone that could possibly infect me with something… or has already infected me with something. I shook my head and got rid of the thought as I stood outside the door to Bert’s bus and took a deep breath and held it in. This was going to be the easy part of today, I told myself.
I let out the breath I had been holding, closed my eyes and I quickly opened the door and stepped onto his bus, “Bert, we need to talk.” I opened my eyes and was being faced by the devil himself. Frank was here and… he and Bert were kissing… My throat clenched and I felt a sharp pain in my heart. I just stood there looking to each of them. Frank stood frozen as well as he stared at me with fearful eyes. I couldn’t take it.
I turned around and sprinted off of the bus, tears blurring my vision. I kept running; past my bus, past the stage, past everything. I kept running until my legs hurt and until my heart felt about ready to explode. I collapsed onto dirty concrete scattered with cigarettes and empty bottles of liquor. I was in an alley near the place we were supposed to perform today and I wished I could have run further away but I was too overwhelmed by exhaustion and hurt. My body shook as I sobbed into my hands, curling up into the fetal position.
How could they do this to me? I loved Frank and Bert was supposed to love me! Just this morning he had told me that he wanted something more and now this? He kissed my best fucking friend and the man I’m in love with? And Frank… Everything that happened that happened in West Chester… It didn’t mean shit to him. He’s doing the same thing to Bert right now. He just wanted a quick fuck. I was his quick fuck. And apparently I was only Bert’s fuck buddy.
I had stopped crying and was only filled with anger. I couldn’t fucking trust anyone. This probably wasn’t even the first time Bert had cheated on me; he’s probably fucking everyone on this goddamn tour! He and Frankie have probably been fucking behind my back for weeks! Bert was fucking scum! Frank is a traitor! And me… I'm the stupidest fucking person in the world. I can’t believe I actually thought Bert would just want to be with me. I can’t believe I actually thought Frank could want me.
I stood up and paced around the alley, not wanting to leave and face anyone. I don’t even know if I could ever look at any of them ever again, especially Frank.
I froze as I had remembered what Bert had given me just this morning. I smiled as I reached into my pocket and felt that they were still there; Xanax. My hand shook as I pulled them all out of my pocket and stared at them. I could take them all and never have to worry about this ever again. I would never have to face Bert, or Frank, or anyone.
My heart began to beat faster as I contemplated what I was about to do, counting each of the pills in my hand.
1…2…3
Something in the back of my mind made me wish that Frank would come running into the alley and tell me that I had imagined the whole thing and that he and Bert weren’t actually kissing, and he would save me.
7…8…9
I wish that I had just listened to my band from the very beginning and stayed away from Bert. None of this would be happening. I wouldn’t have been hurt, I wouldn’t have hurt everyone around me, and I would be here right now counting the pills I was going to take to make my heart stop beating.
11…12…13
Thirteen pills. More than 3 times the suggested limit that someone should take per day. And I was about to take them all at once. I began to cry again as I looked around for something to drink, anything to wash them down.
I found an old whiskey bottle and sat down, leaning against the brick wall. There was just enough to help me swallow the pills down. Just enough…
I started sobbing again as adrenaline coursed through my veins over what I was about to do. “I'm sorry” I sobbed. “I'm so fucking sorry!” I screamed out, slightly hoping that someone would hear me. But it would be too late; I crammed the pills into my mouth and gulped them down with the disgusting taste of whiskey. The deed was done.
I laid down on my back waiting for the drugs to take effect, when it started raining. “So cliché” I laughed to myself. Minutes were ticking by and everything around me started spinning. My stomach was churning and it felt as if I was going to throw up but I held it down, I didn’t want my body to rid itself of this poison. Successful, my eyes started to fade and everything seemed to get darker. I was shivering, from the cold of the rain and from the sickness. But I didn’t care; this is what I wanted.
I could have sworn I heard people calling my name in the distance, but at this point I couldn’t tell what was real. I was hallucinating; everything was turning swirly and seemed to be in slow motion. I started to see people crowded over me, everything was blurry and I couldn’t understand what they were saying. I felt them touching my face and lifting my eyelids which I could barely keep open.
I tried focusing as much as could. I could see Mikey, and Brian, and Frankie. Oh Frankie, he looked so pretty when he was wet. I tried opening my mouth to say something but I just groaned.
“Gerard! Gerard, what did you say? Can you hear me Gerard? Damnit, why isn’t he answering me?”
I couldn’t tell if what I was seeing and hearing was real or fake, it all looked like a dream but it felt so real. I slowly slipping away from consciousness and I could tell.
“F-Frankie…” I whispered.
I now couldn’t see anything, but I could still feel people around me. It felt like I was being lifted.
“I love you Frankie…”
I couldn’t see.
I couldn’t hear.
I couldn’t feel.
I was nothing.
*
Upon opening my eyes, the first words out of my mind were as follows. “Fuck. I’m alive.”
I then heard sobbing next to me, it was Frank. “Oh god Gerard, how can you say that? Why would you do this? God I’m so sorry…”
I didn’t answer him. My eyes wondered around the cold metallic place I was in; obviously a hospital. IVs ran into my arm, making me cringe at the sight of it, and a clamp on my finger that measured my heart beat, the beeping of the machine and Frank’s cries were the only things I could here. It felt as if the rest of the world was silent.
“Gerard…” Frank whispered in a trembling voice.
I looked over at him. He looked scared and shaken, his eyes were red and puffy, and it seemed as if he hadn’t slept.
I felt no emotion at the moment; I was apathetic to the world. And as Frank sat there crying next to me, I felt I had the upper hand.
He reached out to me with a trembling hand but I backed away, “Don’t touch me.”
He sighed, “Gerard, listen to me, you have to believe me. What you saw last night… it’s not what you think! Bert was drunk and he threw himself on me! I would never do this!”
My teeth were clenched and I refused to look at him, emotion building up inside of me. “Why were you with him in the first place?” I stuttered out, teeth still clenched.
“I was telling him to leave you alone! He doesn’t treat you well, he hurts you, he gives you drugs, he gives you…” Frank trailed off.
My eyes shot toward him, filled with anger. “Go ahead Frank; finish what you were going to say. I fucking dare you.”
Frank glanced at the door then quickly back to me, “When we brought you here yesterday you had to get your stomach pumped, and we asked them to do a blood test and a drug test on you… We saw that you’ve been doing drugs… and lots of them… for a while… and… the doctors told us that you have hepatitis B… Its curable, but…”
I cut him off as I began sobbing into my hands. “I fucking hate you!”
He started rubbing my back in a soothing manner but I didn’t want it. I was dirty. I didn’t want him to touch me or he would be dirty too…
“Shhh we both know you don’t mean that, you’re angry.”
I continued crying “I do mean it! I hate you, I hate Bert, I hate myself, I hate everyone!”
He ignored my pleading anger, “I heard what you said to me when we found you in the alley… so I know you don’t mean it.”
I looked at him, confused; I didn’t remember anyone being in the alley with me. The last thing I remembered was lying down on the concrete ground looking up at the sky as it started to rain. The heartbeat monitor picked up pace, “What are you talking about?”
He leaned closer to me, trailing his fingertips along the length of my exposed arm and being careful around the places where needles were imbedded into my veins. “You told me you loved me…”
My skin burned.
He continued, “And… well… I love you too.”

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Been a long time, I know. Lol sowy! Comment and rate! Thanks for being patient! More to come soon!