FicWad

I'm continuing with this story, hope you'll like it. So here's chapter two. Enjoy!

Chapter 2 - Not good enough
I sat in the kitchen in Gerard’s apartment and he washed off my bloody face with a wet piece of rag. I put my hand on his wrist and he stopped from washing my face.
“Ya’ know, I could do this on my own.” I told him softly, but he just shook his head.
“Maybe you could, but then you’d need a mirror and I wouldn’t wanna look at my face right now if I were you.”
“Can I have a mirror?” I asked him immediately, I was kinda’ worried that my face was totally smashed or something. He shook his head. “Is it ugly?” I asked him, but he shook his head again. “Is it awful?” He shook his head once more. “Then what, why can’t I have a mirror?”
“Well, it’s… your face is kinda’…” He swallowed. “Well, covered in blood for the moment and you might have some bruises too. Actually you do have olot of bruises in your face. It doesn’t look good, at all.”
“Would you please give me a fucking mirror?” He shook his head again. I stood up from the chair and walked out to the hall. “Alright, I’m outta here.” Gerard sighed deeply.
“Alright then, here’s the bathroom, look in the mirror if you want to. But don’t tell me I didn’t warn you.” I walked into the bathroom and watched myself in the mirror. He was right, I looked horrible. My face was fucking disgusting. There was blood all over my face. Now I understood why he didn’t want me to look at myself. I turned to Gerard again and said nothing, we just stood there face to face, quiet. “You wanna take a shower?” he then asked me. I nodded and he handed me a towel, walked out of the bathroom and closed the door. “Shout if you need anything.” I heard his voice shout from the hall. I turned the water on, and the warmth of the water heated up my cold skin.

“Uhm, Gerard?”
“Yeah?” He opened the door to the bathroom and walked in, and saw me. Wet and naked, drying my hair with the towel. He stared at me and it felt awkward and good at the same time, don’t ask me why though. I quickly placed the towel on my hips, considering where he was looking. “Sorry,” he said nervously and turned his look away to the floor. “I knew you were in here so I would’ve… but I just didn’t… I just don’t...” he tried to explain himself nervously. I giggled a bit.
“It’s okay. I just wanted to ask you if you can give me some toilet-paper? I need to use the toilet.” Gerard kept staring at the floor.
“Uhm, yeah, sure.” I smiled, he looked kinda’ funny when he acted like this.
“And my clothes…” I began.
“Your clothes?” he asked and now looked at me again. I nodded. “They’re all bloody. I can get you some of mine, and I’ll wash yours.”
“Alright, just hurry. I’m like really frozen.” He quickly walked out of the bathroom again.
“What size, by the way?” Gerard shouted.
“Uhm… small.” I shouted back. He quickly came back with toilet-paper, a pair of black boxers, black skinnies, a black shirt and a black misfits hoodie, alike the one I worn earlier today, and handed it all over to me. “Thanks.” I said and smiled at him. He smiled back at me and just stood there again, looked at me. And then he cleared his throat.
“Uhm, this is your clothes?” he asked and pointed at the heap of my bloody clothes on the bathroom floor. I nodded. He took it up in his hands and walked away as I put his clothes on me.

I sat on a chair in Gerard’s kitchen again, himself sat in front of me on another chair.
“God, it’s so freezing in here, don’t ya’ think?” I asked him. But he shook his head.
“No, I actually think it’s pretty hot. But maybe you want some coffee or something?” he asked me warily. I nodded.
“Sure.”
Gerard stood up and walked to the coffeemachine and soon got back with two cups of coffee.
“Maybe we should look at your bruises.” He said, soon after we’d started to drink our coffee. I looked at him with a serious look, and nodded. He started to roll up my sleeves, but I quickly stopped him, I didn’t wanna show him my scarred wrists, I didn’t wanna show them to anyone at all. When I saw them myself I always thought that I wasn’t good enough. He tried to roll them up again, and managed to roll them up a little bit higher, but I stopped him again and rolled them back down. “It’s okay.” He said calmly. I shook my head. Now I felt that I would never be good enough for anyone, ever. “Yeah, it is,” he tried to convince me. I shook my head again. “Trust me, it’s okay. I have some myself.” He said convincing and rolled up his own sleeves of his dark grey hoodie and showed me his scarred wrists. His wrists were horrible. So much worse than mine. I almost got afraid.
“Oh God, yours are even worse! What have you done?” I exclaimed.
“Same as you. I cut myself.”
I still stared at his scarred wrists, they were really horrible to look at. Compared to his wrists, mine was pretty whole. I felt Gerard’s hands on my wrists and he rolled up my sleeves once again and this time I let him. I didn’t even care about stopping him. “Yours are pretty horrible too.” He said and I still stared at his wrists.
“But you cut… it’s the right way.” I exclaimed in chock. He nodded.
“Yeah, and yours are not, luckily.”
“Did you wanted to die?” I asked him. He nodded again.
“Yep, still do.” He answered me.
“But why?” I asked him, I just couldn’t imagine why he’d want to kill himself. He was beautiful, he didn’t have anything to be ashamed of, not like me. He looked deep into my eyes.
“Question is, why are you cutting yourself?” I opened my mouth to say something, but then I immediately closed it again. I didn’t have a good answer, that I actually wanted to share, on that question. “Alright, here’s the thing, I’ve been bullied all my life because I look different, I am different, and I’m not just another star in the sky. During High School everyone hated me, the ones who didn’t bully me didn’t either care about stopping the ones who did. They watched it when others hit me. Not even the teachers cared about me being bullied. And I believed every word the bullies told me, every evil word they called me, I believed that it was true. That I actually was that ugly, disgusting and worthless that I was told.” I nodded slowly, I recognized every word he said, it happened to me all the time, over and over again. “So I started to harm myself. I cut my wrists, banged my head into walls, started drink olot of alcohol, I started smoking, stopped from eating, and then there’s the worst part of all of it… I started using drugs. It all became like addictions to me. When I’d start I couldn’t stop, even though I knew how wrong it was and how it was tearing my body apart, but I felt so shitty. So I thought that if I harmed myself it would feel better, at least a little. But it didn’t. Instead it felt even worse. But I really couldn’t stop myself from it. It’s hard to break an addiction, which I think you’re pretty aware of.” He told me with sadness in his voice. I nodded as a response to his last sentence. I surely did know how hard it was to break an addiction, it was like stop from breathing.
“Shit, you’re olot worse than me.” I told him after a few minutes of silence. He nodded, and still looked in my eyes.
“Yep, I guess. But if no one helps you, well, you know…” He sighed deeply and looked deep into my eyes with a sad look. “What I’m trying to say is that I was helped in time, otherwise I wouldn’t sit here today. And, well, you’re not that far away from where I was about a year ago, and you need someone to support you through this.” I nodded really slowly, I knew exactly what he meant. I did need help, I wanted to break my addiction but I just couldn’t do that on my own.
“Mind if I ask you how you were helped?” I asked him carefully, just in case if it was a sensitive subject for him like it was for me. He shook his head.
“Of course not, I’m here to help.” I smiled a real smile for the first time of a long time. “My family noticed how I became weaker and weaker. My little brother Mikey was the biggest support to me, I guess. He was the one who noticed what happened to me first, I think. He told my parents about it, and at first I was so fucking pissed at Mikey for telling them about it. But after a while I realized that he’d done me the greatest favour ever. That I couldn’t even pay him back. My parents and I talked about it, and then we talked to some kinda’ expert of suicidal things or something like that. And Mikey also made me to enjoy life and have more fun. That’s it I guess, in short.”
I noticed that his look was focused on my scarred wrists. I felt ashamed of myself and hid my wrists in the arms of my hoodie again. “No, don’t do that, Frank” he told me. I looked down at the floor, I felt so bad right now. I didn’t want anyone to see my hurt wrists, not even my mom had seen them. I wanted my mom not to know about them at all, ever. If she’d know I’d dig myself my own grave. “Hey, it’s okay, they couldn’t get any worse than mine, right?” I sighed. He was right. He put his hands on my wrists and I let him pull up my sleeves. I felt his cold hand on my scarred wrist. I looked up at him, as I felt the shame rise inside of me. “It’s nothing to be ashamed of, Frank” he said, as if he could read my thoughts. I shook my head as I felt his cold hand touch my newest scar. The blood wasn’t even gone yet. I saw how his pale fingers became a little red. He looked at me again, even deeper than before. I looked back at him, and he didn’t move his hand off of my wrist. “That’s a fresh one…” he said quietly to me, almost whispered, and looked down at my wrists once more. I nodded.
“Mhm, just a few hours ago…” I said as my voice cracked and my eyes went wet. Gerard saw that and put one of his hands on my shoulder.
“Hey, Frank, don’t cry. It’ll get better, I know that. I also know how hard this is for you, but don’t cry, nothing will get better if you do. When you’re crying you’re showing your weakness and that means that they’ve won.” I met his hazel eyes and in the same second tears was streaming down my cheeks. He wiped away the blood from his fingers on his hoodie and then he wiped away the tears from my face with his hands. “Hey, what did I just tell ya’?” he asked me a little jocularity. I bit my lip.
“Not to cry” I answered with a whisper, as I sobbed. He smiled at me.
“Let’s put some ice on the bruises in your face now,” he said and stood up to pick up some ice from the freezer. “You can go to the sofa in the living room and rest with this on your face,” he told me as he handed me an ice-bag. I nodded and did as he told me, I took the ice-bag in my hand and walked to the living room. I laid in the sofa and put the ice on my right eye, where it hurt the most.

After a while I heard footsteps coming closer to me.
“Feeling any better yet?” Gerard asked me softly. I shook my head as an answer. I heard him sigh. “Could you make some place for me there too?” he asked me.
“Oh… of course.” I said and sat up in the sofa to make place for Gerard beside me. He sat in the sofa next to me. “You can lay down if you’re too tired, ya’ know.” He said to me.
“Huh?”
“Here. Put your head on my thigh and lay down, you’re obviously tired and need to rest.” I giggled nervously, but though I was extremely nervous I did as he suggested. As soon as I laid my head upon his thigh I felt my whole body shiver. And as I laid there, with my head upon his thigh and the ice-bag on my right eye, I looked up at him and saw him looking back at me, with kindness in his look, something I’d never seen before in anyone, except for my mom of course. Gerard’s hand accidentally touched my chin when he reached for the ice-bag. I shivered again and felt a strange, but good, feeling through my body. He moved it to my left cheek, and I looked wondering at him. It hurt and I shivered.
“It hurts” I wailed. Gerard smiled kindly at me.
“I know it does. But the ice makes better work here” I nodded carefully.
“Would you press it against my skin? My hand kinda’ hurts.”
“Of course I can” he said and pressed the ice-bag against my left cheek, as I looked closely at him.
“Gerard, why are you so nice to me? Everyone else would’ve just left me there on the ground.” He smiled at me.
“Let’s just say that I’m not like everybody else. And I know what you’re going through, cause it was not so long ago I was there too. And if I’d just left you there, I’d been extremely selfish and bitchy, which I’m not.”
“But still… no one has ever been nice to me, so I’m a bit reserved, I guess.”
“Yeah, you truly are. But that’s okay ya’ know, I mean considering what you’re going through. And I know that it’s fucking terrible.”
“Ouch!” I shouted loudly. The ice-bag was pressed too hard against the bruises on my left cheek.
“Oh, sorry…” Gerard excused himself, but I just shook my head.
“No, it’s not your fault, it’s just my nerves. I guess they hit me like hell.” Gerard put a big smile on his lips and nodded.
“It’s good that you already can talk about it. That feels good to be your supporter now, if you’re healing this fast, I mean” I looked wondering at him. Did he just say ‘your supporter’? Or did I just imagine what I wanted to hear?
“Supporter?”
“Huh?”
“What do you mean with ‘my supporter’?” I asked him with a raised eyebrow.
“Oh, that…” he said and blushed. “Well, if you want me to be that, of course.” I giggled nervously again. Why did he make me so nervous? There had to be something wrong with me today, maybe it was the nerves.
“Well, I dunno. I don’t even know you.”
“Alright, then we’ll have to make a change about that. And besides, what I’ve told you about my bad times, well I’ve told you more detailed than I’ve told my own brother.” I opened my eyes wide and looked confused at him. “It’s true” he said as if he could read my mind again. There truly was something different and special about this man.
Gerard put his other hand on my forehead and let it lay there. I felt butterflies in my stomach. Oh my God! What the hell was wrong with me?! I was straight, not gay, at least as far as I knew. But on the other hand I hadn’t been with anyone before, at all, so in fact I didn’t know if I was gay or not. I mean I thought that both men and women were hot and sexy, but I had never felt anything for anyone. Gosh! Right now I was extremely confused. I should stop thinking like this, right away! But I knew that Gerard had to be straight, he couldn’t be gay… or could he? I mean he didn’t look like a homosexual, but on the other hand you can’t really see on a person if he’s straight or not, right? Whatever. Stop thinking like that now, Frank! Suddenly Gerard interrupted my own thoughts. “Frank, you’re hot.” Wait, what?! Did he just say…?
“What? Y-you t-think I’m h-h-hot?” I stammered and saw that Gerard became confused and nervous at the same time.
“Yes, but no, but yes you are… I mean like you’re really warm, I think you’ve got fever or something.” My look went down to my stomach.
“Oh.”
“But, I do think you’re hot, Frank. Like really hot.”
“You’re just saying that to make me feel better.” I said irritated. But Gerard shook his head.
“No, I don’t. I mean it. And besides, why would I wanna make you feel better, we don’t even know each other, remember?”
“Yeah, of course I do, I was the one who said it. But you’re not selfish and bitchy, remember?” I asked him teasingly. He laughed.
“You see? It’s like you already know me.” I laughed and put a big smile on my thin lips. “Why don’t you try to sleep now? I bet you need it.” I closed my eyes and fell asleep, still with my head on Gerard’s thigh. I kinda’ liked it.

When I woke up my head was still resting at Gerard’s thigh. I lifted up my head a bit and looked up at him and met his look. His hazel eyes looked deep into my darkbrown ones.
“Morning, hottie” he said and I blushed. What if he really thought I was hot? Then this had to be a dream.
“Stop saying that, you’re making me blush!” I said. Gerard giggled.
“Can’t lie.” I blushed even more and I felt no cold at my face. I reached my hands to my face and felt that there wasn’t any ice there anymore. “I took it back into the freezer, I thought that you needed to sleep instead.” Gerard explained to me. I put a smile on my lips again. He really knew how to cheer someone up.
“Thanks. For all this.” I thanked him and he smiled a big smile.


When I’d got home, by five o’clock in the afternoon, my mom was pretty pissed at me. And I knew exactly why.
“Where the hell have you been? School ended about an hour ago!” She yelled at me as soon as I’d closed the door behind me. I sighed.
“I just took a walk to the park and stayed there for a while,” I lied to her. She sighed as she calmed down and walked closer to me. She was just about to hug me, but when she saw my face she froze. Where I stood the light was broken, so it was literally impossible to see my face clear-
“Frank!” she shouted, out loud, at me frustrated.
“Relax, mom.” I tried to calm her.
“How the hell am I supposed to relax when you look like this? You’ve got bruises all over your face. Who did this to you, honey?” I cleaned my troath.
“A fucking asshole. His name is Tom.” I told her quietly.
“That’s it! I’m calling the principal!” She said and picked up her cell from one of her pockets.
“Mom, don’t!” I distracted her.
“Why, Frank? Why? Tell me why I shouldn’t take care of this shit, when you look like this? Give me one good reason!”
“He would just blame everything on me anyway, and he’d get me suspended. I wanna live here longer than six months, I wanna stay here for a while now.” Mom looked like she doubted it. “Please?” Her facial expression changed to her usual caring-face and she nodded. She took one step closer to me and hugged me hardly, for a long time. I felt the tears stream down my cheeks the second time today.