FicWad

Chapter Nine

Facing Gerard was really hard for me. Ive never opened up to people before.
It must of been because I never felt comfortable enough to trust them or that people would pretend to be intrested only because they are nosy.
But sitting on the grass facing him while his eyes scanned my every move, I felt slightly at ease. Somehow he already knows me, like hes been observing me for sometime now and knows my weaknesses.

I opened my mouth to answer his question. I knew the answer to the question but my mind couldnt form the words in my mouth.
" Because... " I muttered again.
My heart was beating even faster in my chest, even before the words had a chance to leave my mouth.
" Selfish. I didnt want to be selfish "
Something inside me clicked, like a latch to my cage has been broken with everything Ive hidden inside now roaming free.
I finally told Gerard the answer, an answer he probley already knows. I looked away from him. I couldnt make out if it was from embrassment or that the fact I was ashamed. Either way I was no longer staring, fixated on his eyes.

I continued to talk while he remained silent.
" There were times where I couldnt cope with myself living, I couldnt stand to take another breath. I would beg and plead for everything to go away, to leave me alone but it never did. It was draining me away, making me battle with myself. Life was unbearable. I would tell myself that its time to go, to leave this world behind for my own good. To go to sleep forever ".
Tears were gliding down my cheeks as I remembered. I still hadnt mustered enough courage to look up.

" But right in the spur of the moment, I would tell, convince my mind that its being tricked. I would debate with myself, reasoning for my own sanity.
I would be gone, ended everything that haunts me, vanished the demons I fought with. But I couldnt. My mum. I would be gone but she would still be here, mourning me, suffering, thinking where she went wrong. Blaming herself for my selfish act. I didnt want that ".
I felt Gerard lean forward and wipe away a tear that reached my chin.
" I know how it feels to be empty. To feel saddness. To wish for something your never going to get. I know what its like to hurt. I hated all that. I didnt want to put my mum through this and ruin her. I didnt want it all to be about me ".

This time I looked up, tears still streaking my face. Gerards eyes were closed, his face expressionless. He knew all this. He wanted to hear it from me and he did. I took his hands in mine and held them tight, never wanting to let go.
" In the end I told myself to keep on living, to go through the motions of living, even though I had killed myself on the inside " .

I had finally freed myself from that heartache. I had told him what I feared to say out loud.
" A strand of pain, that strand long gone with the wind " was all that Gerard said.
I was content.

We hadnt realised that it had began to rain. We got to our feet and stood under the foliage of the tree. He was doing what he does best, stare but I felt comfortable under his gaze.
I began to open my mouth to say something lame when I felt his lips on mine. I didnt pull away, instead got lost in the softness of his lips. It made me feel warm and the kiss embraced us in a powerful hug.
Our heads moved away and he suddenly took hold of my hand and began to run.
Together we were running. Running away from everything that tied us down. Running from ourselves, trying to get picked up by the wind and taken some place else.
We were running for our lives.


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