FicWad

Authors Note:
This update doesn't make up for my absence and I can't tell you how sorry I am. Don't eat me, please. Read on if you wish...

Frank's Perspective

The night was dark, small orbs of light that oozed from the moonlight glow and artificial streetlamps danced across my backyard. Thick black clouds decorated the sky, choking and suffocating the stars and moon above into tiny minuscule specks of light. An eerie silence hovered the air, the whistling and whispering of winds vibrated in my ears as the trees and bushed rustled harshly.

The night felt particularly off; everything too silent, too dark. My blood was rushing with anticipation, my left knee jumping up and down in a blur. I was twitchy, nervous; paranoid. I didn’t like the feeling of being on edge; waiting silently, vulnerable for something to happen.

I felt open, too exposed and bare. I felt naked as I sat fully clothed on my backdoor step, one headphone plugged in my ear as it pumped vibrations of music into my left ear. I could hear whispers disguised in the winds, eyes burning into the side of my face, I hated it. I hated feeling so much pressure, so much paranoia and fear. It made my gut turn and my fingertips twitch and shake.

Of course, as I sat there; a paranoid mess, I knew I was being stupid. I knew that no one was cowering in the bushes, waiting to pounce. I was just being paranoid. I knew from experience that this feeling would pass that like every other time I felt like this, it would float away when I felt comfortable in my surroundings. And I knew that I would feel better again soon.

I was in my backyard for God’s sake.

The place I have spent most nights for the past three years. This was my place; my sanctuary, I told myself, nothing could hurt me here. The feelings soon disappeared and I accepted the warm silence of the bitter cold night, basking in the dark until I felt invisible; hid away in the darkness. No one could hurt me here, no one.

I lit up a cigarette as a new song vibrated into my ears blissfully and I took a deep drag of the cancer stick before polluting the air as I exhaled. It wasn’t long until my thoughts strayed until I was left in the silence of my mind, staring blankly at the old ground. I was vaguely aware of the playing music and my cancer stick as my blank eyes flickered to the house a few houses away on the opposite street.

I knew it was a bad decision, knew it with all my being but apparently I like to torture myself like that.

I could feel my eyes burn with regret, happiness, sorrow, so many emotions the instant they settled on that house with the one brightly lit window. I could feel my gut explode with not butterflies, but worms and they slithered around sluggishly, making me want to wretch until I freed my body of them. I could feel my chest tighten and my breath catch in my throat.

It was an overwhelming sensation of burning. Not like I was on fire but like everything just burned. My throat burned, my heart burned and my nose was close to burning too. I felt like every emotion had been shoved down my throat, blocking my airways until I choked and spluttered them all out in shaky breaths. So many emotions whirled around my body, my soul.

All because I looked at that one house with the single brightly lit window.

I knew he was there, sitting with his coffee mug and sketchpad, waiting for the hours to pass by. I knew he was broken, that he was alone. I knew that he was haunted, agonized by memories and nightmares.

I knew that he was missing school and that he was spiralling downwards, deeper into a pit of despair as each day passed. I knew that he wasn’t sleeping, that his bags still clung beneath his eyes in the most beautifully ugly way. I knew that he was getting thinner; that his cheekbones were more pronounced now and that his black hair hung limply around his pale face.

I could feel my heartbreak every time I saw him cower away in the hallways at school. Every time someone shoved him or spat abuse at him, my heart broke. Every time he would close his eyes tightly in pain, from the assault of words or abuse, and just walk away, getting closer to that pit of despair as he suffered in silence.

I knew that I wanted to help, that I needed to save before it was too late. If it wasn’t too late. I had known this since I met him but I pushed him away, pushed him into that pit of fucking despair. In fact, I bet it was worse than despair, worse than anyone could ever imagine. My heart broke and burned just thinking about it.

I hated myself. And at that moment as my eyes rested on that brightly lit window, I willed for the worms in my gut to eat me from the inside out.

If I strained my eyes hard enough, I could faintly make out a shadow flickering in the window, moving from the table and disappearing before it came back again, a second shadow following. I guessed that it was either Mikey or his mum that was accompanying him so late at night. A flicker of jealousy burned in my blood; that should be me.

As a new song pumped from my headphones and into my ear, I wondered what kind of music Gerard liked, or if he even liked any at all. I hadn’t really thought of him as a music person before, more artistic than anything really. I frowned, flickered my eyes to my converse, the no longer lit cancer stick that dangled limply from my fingers, then back to the window where I noticed that both shadows has disappeared and the window was no longer alight.

I sighed and plugged my other headphone in as well as I leaned my head against the brick wall, the vibrations and calming noise of music filling my being and making me feel almost whole, almost. I let my hands sink deep in my hoodie pockets as I dropped my no longer wanted cigarette to the cold ground below.

I longed to feel whole, to feel complete and I knew that only he could fill this need. The low music that soothed me wasn’t enough, I needed him. But I couldn’t have him. I didn’t deserve him, didn’t deserve such a beautiful being. I would only hurt him, damage him and break him.

He deserved someone who will make him happy, make his demons go away. I wasn’t this person, he didn’t need me. I was just some pathetic, ugly kid to him no doubt. My heart broke a little more as I came to this sudden realisation. It also occurred to me that if my heart does anymore breaking, I’d have no heart left.

A small laugh escaped my chapped lips in spite of myself.

I was heartbroken, my cold heart shattered because of my own doings. Fucking karma.

I suppose I didn’t have much of a heart if I willingly broke his; broke him.

Faintly, somewhere in the near distant, something creaked, something moved and made a sound and it disrupted the quiet, the music and calmness of the night. My eyebrows furrowed over my closed eyes as I wriggled around on my numb ass. Fucking cats, creeping around in the dead of the night like that, nuisances.

My annoyance soon disappeared and I was left to bask in the warmth of my music and my dark web
of thoughts. I welcomed it peacefully.

“Frank?” a small voice called, raspy and broken.

I jumped and my eyes flew open, I knew that voice.

“Gerard?” I whispered, the name rolling on my tongue and tumbling from my dry lips, filling the dark night with desperation. My eyes fixated on him standing shakily at the gate, hood up and head down like always.

“Yeah, yeah it’s me; Gerard.” My heart flickered with hope.

Review
le derp. Hi guys, ok, so I give you guys full permission to stake me alive. Seriously, I can't even begin to apologies,I'm just really sorry! Did you guys like this chapter or will it go on the list of things we need to burn from existence? To be honest, this wasn't my original idea for this chapter but I started to write and this is what I ended with. I haven't reread it so it will most likely need editing. Thanks for the reviews on the last chapter, there all appreciated so much. So sorry for the lack of good chapters and stuff, I don't know where the flow of this story has gone, sniffle, my baby is breaking aparttttt... Review, oOoOoOoOo rate even if you're feeling generous. You know I love you all!