Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > The Drugs Make Us Numb; They Don't Keep Us Sane
-I am the truth that you hate. I am my weapon of choice and I choose to use my voice.-
**
Never before had I felt so conflicted while someone lay dead at my feet. Roger's body was displayed beautifully, the blood seeping on to the ground from the bed. Rian's eyes had become glued to the scene. She was sitting on the floor, with her back against the wall... Once she'd fallen she couldn't get up. She couldn't tear her eyes from the body.
I was still stumbling over words in my head, unsure of what to say or how to say it. What could make this situation right in her eyes? Rian suddenly moved. I expected her to make a run for it but instead she simply fell forward on her knees, vomiting.
I sighed, walking forward. I brushed my fingers through her silky hair holding it back. Once done she jerked away and I realized I still had my bloody gloves on. I'd dragged blood through her hair. She looked severely nauseous. Was it the drugs or what she'd witnessed? Possibly both.
"This-" I stopped, not even finishing my sentence.
Rian's eyes burned in to mine as she looked for an answer. "Please explain this to me." She begged, her voice breaking. "Please just tell me something, tell me anything Gerard." Her breathing was heavy as she nervously looked at the body. "Explain it away just like the pictures." She begged, her voice rising in volume. "I can't do this." She shook her head. "I can't be here staring at a dead body. You can't- you can't be a murderer." She whispered, the noise from the music almost drowning her out.
"It's not real." I lied, keeping my voice calm. "It's all staged. He's just a mannequin. Lots of ketchup." I joked, trying to do what she'd asked.
Rian laughed. It was high pitched and forced. Then came the tears. "You're lying." She choked out, shaking her head.
I stepped closer, she scooted back.
"I didn't want you to know." I told her, trying to seem as non-threatening as possible.
"I don't want to know." Rian spoke in monotone, her voice dying as the words passed her lips.
"You might not remember tomorrow." I whispered, hopefully.
Rian looked up, hate in her eyes. "What'd you do to me?"
"What?"
"I was dizzy earlier. What'd you do?" She asked, accusations lying in her tone.
"Roger was going to rape you." I told her, watching as she backed away once again hitting the wall. "He slipped Rohypnol in to your drink. It's a date rape drug. It- it- Sometimes you forget what happened when the drug is in your system." God, I was hoping. I was hoping she'd forget. Could I be so lucky?
Rian looked down, tears dripping down her cheeks. "I want to forget." She mumbled.
"If you let me take you home..." I offered but she cut me off, looking angry.
"It's your home, not mine." She yelled, "I'm not your girlfriend. I'm not your anything. When will you get that?" I really didn't want to have this particular argument at the time...
"I get it." I assured her, "It's just- it's a place for you to stay and..."
"Do you want to know why I was so upset that you gave me the red shirt?" Rian asked, rambling randomly under her breath for a few minutes. Were the drugs doing this to her? This was a weird effect... Then again I wasn't an avid date rape drug user.
"Why?" I asked, wondering what she would say.
"Because I'd wished I was taken by you but you just view me as some stupid little girl that tried to steal from you. I'm so fucking helpless and you just love it but that's all you see me as ... someone to help." Rian said, shaking her head.
"You wanted to be with me?" I asked, tone hopeful.
Rian cast a glance at Roger before numbly replying, "I wanted to be."
I looked at my feet, horrified. I'd never before been caught. I wasn't entirely sure as to what I should do. Rian was drugged up but... that didn't mean she wouldn't scream when I took her downstairs. It was a risk. I wasn't in to risking my freedom.
I looked up as I heard another clattering noise. Rian had gotten up and hit herself on Roger's table. I stared at her in horror as her leg began bleeding, the edge of the table having cut right through her pants.
In a few steps I was at her side, trying to clean the blood. This time I had remembered to take the gloves off and that seemed to make her much calmer. As I dabbed at the blood I asked, "Are you okay?"
"The drugs numb the pain." She whispered, eyes looking straight ahead with no emotion in them. "But they won't keep me sane."
I breathed out, feeling just as dead. I had no drugs to numb me from the pain of Rian's words. Would I be the reason she lost her sanity?
Once I stood again I grabbed Rian's arm. "Come on, I need to get you out of here so that I can clean."
She broke free from my grasp and my eyes widened in horror as she ran towards the door. I didn't even try to chase her. I didn't want to hurt her. I didn't want to scare her any further. I'd found that she meant more to me than any stupid freedom. I didn't want her to go. Without her... nothing mattered anymore. Hell, I'd realized that the first night she tried to leave. I just hadn't admitted it to myself.
Imagine my surprise as the door opened and Mikey stepped inside. He didn't even look surprised as he saw Roger's body. Rian accidentally ran in to his body, crying out in terror. Mikey sighed, grabbing Rian.
"Mikey, wh-" I stopped mid-speech as Mikey placed his hand over Rian's mouth and the other over her nose.
"Don't-" I came forward but he stopped me with his own words.
"It's the only way to get her home. If she's passed out people will just think she drank too much." I stopped and allowed him to force Rian to pass out.
There was nothing I could really do. It was for the best. I had to get everything sorted out.
Mikey didn't even look at me as Rian's body slumped against his. "I'm taking her to your place. Get this shit cleaned up." The door closed behind him leaving me more confused than I'd ever been.
**
Every single trace of blood was absent from the room and Roger's body had already been moved. It was all too easy to sneak him from the club. People smiled as if he were too drunk. With my hood up no one paid me any attention... But now that I was back I couldn't control myself.
Each step I took... I took to preserve the part of me I'd thought I'd kept secret. Had it ever been a secret? Mikey knew. For how long? I wasn't sure. Rian knew. There was no going back. I couldn't erase memories once they were planted.
A well aimed kick sent everything upon Roger's bedside table flying as the table itself clattered, falling to the ground. I kept kicking and kicking, ignoring the pain bursting through my foot. Then I punched the wall, watching as holes appeared. I tore them apart, throwing all of the energy I possessed in to wrecking absolutely everything. So, it wasn't neat. It wasn't what I usually did. It was a fucking club. For all anyone knew... Roger got a little frisky, partied too hard... They'd never find him. I made sure of that.
My hand was bloody and shaking as my phone rang, throwing me from my own anger. "Hello?" I answered, confusion lacing the simple greeting.
"Are you almost done?" Mikey asked, sounding exhausted.
"Almost." I answered, voice going flat. At least I could act emotionless. I was far from however, with a million emotions coursing through me. I had to clean my own blood from the scene. In case someone investigated... I really didn't need any direct evidence of my appearance in his room.
"Okay." The way Mikey said the word made it sound so final, as if everything was over. Things were far from over.
"Rian?" I asked, barely able to force her name out.
"Still passed out. I'm leaving the explaining to you..." Mikey trailed off. "Look Gerard, I had my suspicions but I never really knew until tonight just how sick you were. This has to stop. I helped you because this was a good thing. Roger was going to hurt Rian. Even I could tell the guy was a fucking creeper. I can tell you care about her so I'm trusting you. Make things right. Whatever it takes, do it."
"Mikey-" I licked my suddenly dry lips as I fought for the words to explain just what I did and why. When had my lips become so weak-willed? I couldn't get another word out.
"I'm going to leave now. Rian should stay passed out but you should hurry just in case. Be thorough but hurry." Mikey said, yawning.
"Where are you going?"
"Motel room. I don't want to see you just yet."
"And you think Rian will want to?" I asked, sourly.
"I think so, yeah." He responded.
The line went dead along with any hope I had.
******
(So short, I know. I'm sorry! I just really wanted to update this and work is so hectic that I'm just not sure when I'll be able to sit down and type out an entire chapter with a decent length. X.x Sorry!)
**
Never before had I felt so conflicted while someone lay dead at my feet. Roger's body was displayed beautifully, the blood seeping on to the ground from the bed. Rian's eyes had become glued to the scene. She was sitting on the floor, with her back against the wall... Once she'd fallen she couldn't get up. She couldn't tear her eyes from the body.
I was still stumbling over words in my head, unsure of what to say or how to say it. What could make this situation right in her eyes? Rian suddenly moved. I expected her to make a run for it but instead she simply fell forward on her knees, vomiting.
I sighed, walking forward. I brushed my fingers through her silky hair holding it back. Once done she jerked away and I realized I still had my bloody gloves on. I'd dragged blood through her hair. She looked severely nauseous. Was it the drugs or what she'd witnessed? Possibly both.
"This-" I stopped, not even finishing my sentence.
Rian's eyes burned in to mine as she looked for an answer. "Please explain this to me." She begged, her voice breaking. "Please just tell me something, tell me anything Gerard." Her breathing was heavy as she nervously looked at the body. "Explain it away just like the pictures." She begged, her voice rising in volume. "I can't do this." She shook her head. "I can't be here staring at a dead body. You can't- you can't be a murderer." She whispered, the noise from the music almost drowning her out.
"It's not real." I lied, keeping my voice calm. "It's all staged. He's just a mannequin. Lots of ketchup." I joked, trying to do what she'd asked.
Rian laughed. It was high pitched and forced. Then came the tears. "You're lying." She choked out, shaking her head.
I stepped closer, she scooted back.
"I didn't want you to know." I told her, trying to seem as non-threatening as possible.
"I don't want to know." Rian spoke in monotone, her voice dying as the words passed her lips.
"You might not remember tomorrow." I whispered, hopefully.
Rian looked up, hate in her eyes. "What'd you do to me?"
"What?"
"I was dizzy earlier. What'd you do?" She asked, accusations lying in her tone.
"Roger was going to rape you." I told her, watching as she backed away once again hitting the wall. "He slipped Rohypnol in to your drink. It's a date rape drug. It- it- Sometimes you forget what happened when the drug is in your system." God, I was hoping. I was hoping she'd forget. Could I be so lucky?
Rian looked down, tears dripping down her cheeks. "I want to forget." She mumbled.
"If you let me take you home..." I offered but she cut me off, looking angry.
"It's your home, not mine." She yelled, "I'm not your girlfriend. I'm not your anything. When will you get that?" I really didn't want to have this particular argument at the time...
"I get it." I assured her, "It's just- it's a place for you to stay and..."
"Do you want to know why I was so upset that you gave me the red shirt?" Rian asked, rambling randomly under her breath for a few minutes. Were the drugs doing this to her? This was a weird effect... Then again I wasn't an avid date rape drug user.
"Why?" I asked, wondering what she would say.
"Because I'd wished I was taken by you but you just view me as some stupid little girl that tried to steal from you. I'm so fucking helpless and you just love it but that's all you see me as ... someone to help." Rian said, shaking her head.
"You wanted to be with me?" I asked, tone hopeful.
Rian cast a glance at Roger before numbly replying, "I wanted to be."
I looked at my feet, horrified. I'd never before been caught. I wasn't entirely sure as to what I should do. Rian was drugged up but... that didn't mean she wouldn't scream when I took her downstairs. It was a risk. I wasn't in to risking my freedom.
I looked up as I heard another clattering noise. Rian had gotten up and hit herself on Roger's table. I stared at her in horror as her leg began bleeding, the edge of the table having cut right through her pants.
In a few steps I was at her side, trying to clean the blood. This time I had remembered to take the gloves off and that seemed to make her much calmer. As I dabbed at the blood I asked, "Are you okay?"
"The drugs numb the pain." She whispered, eyes looking straight ahead with no emotion in them. "But they won't keep me sane."
I breathed out, feeling just as dead. I had no drugs to numb me from the pain of Rian's words. Would I be the reason she lost her sanity?
Once I stood again I grabbed Rian's arm. "Come on, I need to get you out of here so that I can clean."
She broke free from my grasp and my eyes widened in horror as she ran towards the door. I didn't even try to chase her. I didn't want to hurt her. I didn't want to scare her any further. I'd found that she meant more to me than any stupid freedom. I didn't want her to go. Without her... nothing mattered anymore. Hell, I'd realized that the first night she tried to leave. I just hadn't admitted it to myself.
Imagine my surprise as the door opened and Mikey stepped inside. He didn't even look surprised as he saw Roger's body. Rian accidentally ran in to his body, crying out in terror. Mikey sighed, grabbing Rian.
"Mikey, wh-" I stopped mid-speech as Mikey placed his hand over Rian's mouth and the other over her nose.
"Don't-" I came forward but he stopped me with his own words.
"It's the only way to get her home. If she's passed out people will just think she drank too much." I stopped and allowed him to force Rian to pass out.
There was nothing I could really do. It was for the best. I had to get everything sorted out.
Mikey didn't even look at me as Rian's body slumped against his. "I'm taking her to your place. Get this shit cleaned up." The door closed behind him leaving me more confused than I'd ever been.
**
Every single trace of blood was absent from the room and Roger's body had already been moved. It was all too easy to sneak him from the club. People smiled as if he were too drunk. With my hood up no one paid me any attention... But now that I was back I couldn't control myself.
Each step I took... I took to preserve the part of me I'd thought I'd kept secret. Had it ever been a secret? Mikey knew. For how long? I wasn't sure. Rian knew. There was no going back. I couldn't erase memories once they were planted.
A well aimed kick sent everything upon Roger's bedside table flying as the table itself clattered, falling to the ground. I kept kicking and kicking, ignoring the pain bursting through my foot. Then I punched the wall, watching as holes appeared. I tore them apart, throwing all of the energy I possessed in to wrecking absolutely everything. So, it wasn't neat. It wasn't what I usually did. It was a fucking club. For all anyone knew... Roger got a little frisky, partied too hard... They'd never find him. I made sure of that.
My hand was bloody and shaking as my phone rang, throwing me from my own anger. "Hello?" I answered, confusion lacing the simple greeting.
"Are you almost done?" Mikey asked, sounding exhausted.
"Almost." I answered, voice going flat. At least I could act emotionless. I was far from however, with a million emotions coursing through me. I had to clean my own blood from the scene. In case someone investigated... I really didn't need any direct evidence of my appearance in his room.
"Okay." The way Mikey said the word made it sound so final, as if everything was over. Things were far from over.
"Rian?" I asked, barely able to force her name out.
"Still passed out. I'm leaving the explaining to you..." Mikey trailed off. "Look Gerard, I had my suspicions but I never really knew until tonight just how sick you were. This has to stop. I helped you because this was a good thing. Roger was going to hurt Rian. Even I could tell the guy was a fucking creeper. I can tell you care about her so I'm trusting you. Make things right. Whatever it takes, do it."
"Mikey-" I licked my suddenly dry lips as I fought for the words to explain just what I did and why. When had my lips become so weak-willed? I couldn't get another word out.
"I'm going to leave now. Rian should stay passed out but you should hurry just in case. Be thorough but hurry." Mikey said, yawning.
"Where are you going?"
"Motel room. I don't want to see you just yet."
"And you think Rian will want to?" I asked, sourly.
"I think so, yeah." He responded.
The line went dead along with any hope I had.
******
(So short, I know. I'm sorry! I just really wanted to update this and work is so hectic that I'm just not sure when I'll be able to sit down and type out an entire chapter with a decent length. X.x Sorry!)
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