Categories > Celebrities > Panic! At The Disco > Sunshine In My Veins

For A Minute There, I Lost Myself

by SaveTheElectoons 4 reviews

Brendon uses women's shower gel and contemplates doing naughty things to Gerard Way...

Category: Panic! At The Disco - Rating: PG-13 - Genres:  - Published: 2012-03-24 - Updated: 2012-03-24 - 2126 words


“Brendon!” I turned around to see him. His golden eyes glistening in the sunlight, he was awkwardly half walking half jogging towards me, I smiled. He was perfect.

“Hey Ry!” I jogged in his direction and wrapped my arms around him and kissed him softly, ignoring the constant fake-vomiting noises from the homophobic freaks that surrounded us.

“Bren, guess what?” He broke away from me and flapped his hands excitedly.


“Brendon?” He looked anxious to tell me.

“What, Ry?”


"Ryan, what!?”

“BRENDON!” I jolted awake to the sound of my Mother’s voice screeching up the stairs.
“I’m up!” I fell out of bed, not feeling awake enough to stand.
The screeching stopped.

I crawled towards the bathroom, gripping the sink and pulling myself upwards. I glanced at my reflection with instant regret.

“Oh Jesus” I cowered away and turned on the shower. I had eyeliner randomly dotted about my face, my eyes were red and had gained heavy dark circles overnight. I took one look and knew why.

Ryan. I’d kissed him. Great move Brendon, kiss the guy you’ve only known for a day. Cause that wouldn’t scare him off at all. I guess I’d kind of felt different around him, I felt complete, apologies for the cheesiness.

I took advantage of my time in the shower, I thought deeply about ways I could maybe get him back, not that I had him in the first place, but considering he literally ran out of my house, I don’t think he’s quite my best friend at the moment.

In a super manly manoeuvre, I ‘borrowed’ some of my mom’s vanilla shower gel, Ryan smelled like vanilla. I got butterflies just inhaling the sweet fragrance, if I hadn’t realised it before, I did then, I couldn’t just let him go, this wasn’t another fling, he was special.

I washed my hair carefully, again stealing my mother’s shampoo and conditioner, she liked vanilla too apparently.

I thought back to last night, I remember leaning on his shoulder, breathing in his comforting scent. Everything about him was so warm and inviting, his slightly monotone voice was soft and reassuring, he was perfection.


“FUCK!” I yelped, jumping out the shower as the water turned ice cold. I hastily grabbed two towels, wrapping one loosely round my waist and using the other to towel-dry my hair.

After doing VERY important things like straightening my hair and applying eyeliner I decided I’d better put some clothes on. When I go outside naked people throw things at me.

I carefully picked out an outfit, I had to impress him but I didn’t want to seem as if I’d tried too hard.
Filing through the many clothes in my wardrobe I giggled feebly to myself at the thought of what Spencer would do if he could see my current thought process. He’d probably tease me for being so unbelievably gay, then make a joke about showing up dressed as a banana or something as equally ridiculous.

I sighed and picked out my favourite skinnies and a dark blue ‘McDonnell’ shirt. I didn’t even contemplate on my choice of footwear, black converse obviously, they were admittedly destroyed but they’d been with me longer than Spencer, and I wasn’t prepared to stop wearing them, just because they had supposedly seen better days.

I guess I sort of needed their support, today especially; they comforted me in a way. It’s not like I didn’t have other shoes, I had a brand new pair of black converse but I couldn’t wear them. They were way off limits. Taylor had bought them for me, desperate bitch.

She said she wouldn’t be seen dead next to a boy wearing shoes like that. So, despite my constant protest, she bought me some new ones.

This was about a week before we broke up, I knew it was coming, she didn’t, which is one of the reasons why I was so surprised she didn’t immediately ask for them back.

Being me of course, I didn’t think the damn shoes were that important and wore them the following week.

This resulted in her pouncing on me after first period, demanding we got back together and insisting she had a legitimate reason why we broke up in the first place.
She got it out of me, persuasive little whore, but she didn’t have the courtesy to keep it quiet.

As soon as I managed to stutter out the words “I-I’m gay.”
She'd screamed “EW! You like guys! All this time I’ve been dating someone who likes GUYS!?” in front of literally the whole school.

So now most of the guys avoid me, and if I so much as smile at them it means I’m coming onto them. It’s outrageous.

That’s why Ryan was so important to me, he spoke to me as if I was a normal person. He hadn’t been around to hear all the stupid rumours that make their way round my pathetic, unbelievable cliché high school.

I found the majority of them quite amusing though…

1) My parents kicked me out for being gay so I was living at a hostel for homosexuals. – Do they even exist?

2) I’d cheated on Taylor and had sex with Dan Lester. – That one was absolutely ridiculous. Okay, so apparently he’s in love with me, but I would never date him! Never mind sleep with him. Oh, and for the record, I’m a virgin. I’d never really contemplated doing that with anyone. Apart from maybe Ryan, holy…sex with Ryan…

3) That I’d sucked off Gerard Way – That one was definitely not true, but I didn’t deny it, I mean, who wouldn't want to suck off Gerard Way.

I skipped breakfast; I wanted to get to school quickly, before Ryan. Besides, I was too nervous to eat.

Dan text me on the way to school, giving him my number was probably the biggest mistake of my life. Besides kissing Ryan, not that that was actually a bad thing, it wasn’t all wrong. Just bad timing, my sweet talk was pretty lame too.

My phone vibrated impatiently for the second time. I reluctantly pushed the absurdly beautiful, golden eyed boy out of my mind and opened the message.

Brenny! Meet me before school?Xx

Oh God, there was two.

Bren? I want to talk to you :P xx

I didn’t answer. I figured I’d just avoid him.

“Bren!” Well, that failed. He made his way towards me. I groaned in annoyance, scanning the crowd of teenagers in the hopes that Ryan would come and save me.

“how was your night?” He asked, his blue eyes were glistening and he had a wide smile plastered across his face.

“Good, thanks” I answered politely.

“What did you do?”

“Hung out with Spencer and Ryan” I couldn’t help but smile as I said his name. I felt myself blushing.

“Who’s Ryan?” His smile dropped.

“The new kid” I tried to make it sound casual but I was smiling like a mental patient.

“Brenny, you’re blushing, did something happen?” He glared at me.

Oh God, I rubbed at my neck, attempting to banish the redness.

“No! But I kinda like him” I blushed even more.

“Wait, is he the kid who was sitting next to you in English yesterday?”

“Yeah” I was still smiling, I saw him look around but I was too busy dreaming about Ryan to notice properly.

“Bren, he has a boyfriend, I saw them kissing last night.”

I felt my heart drop. Now I understood why he ran, but it hurt. It hurt so much more than I ever thought it would. I ran towards the bathroom, it was where I always went when I was upset. Somewhere I could be alone.

I had my head down, desperately trying to stop the tears.

“Fuck! sorry” I looked up as I collided with someone.


“Spencer? What the fuck are you doing here this early?” He was usually at least 10 minutes late for everything.

“I’m in a good mood today!” He beamed, showing almost every single one of his perfect teeth.

“You called Jon didn’t you?”

“I did indeed” He said brightly.

“What did he say?”

“Let’s just say, I’m not free this Saturday night” He grinned coyly.

I gave a half-hearted laugh.

“I need to wash my hands, I had Cheetos this morning”

“Yeah, sure.” It didn’t really come as a surprise to me that Spencer had Cheetos for breakfast.

“So, how about you Bren, how’s Dan?” He asked as we walked towards the bathroom.

“How should I know?”

“He loves you, you sure you don’t feel anything for him?”

“God no!”

“You sure?” He chuckled,

“Yes! For the last time Spence, I don’t like him” I shouted as we walked into the bathroom.

“Well, he certainly likes you!”

“I don’t care! I’d never date him!” I growled, feeling tears forming once again.

“You ready?” Spencer asked, dropping the subject wisely.

“Gimmie a minute, I’ll see you in music”

I gave up trying to stop, I let myself cry, William came in soon after, he was tall and slim with kind, hazel eyes and long-ish brown hair, he shot me an apologetic glance.
I forced a smile.

I heard someone open a stall door behind me.

“Ryan?” I looked at him.

“What?” His eyes were redder than mine; he had black eyeliner smudged around them.

“Are you okay?” I asked, his golden eyes looked full of hurt.

“I’m fine, not that you care.” He glared at me,

“Ryan, I-I-“ I stuttered.

“Forget it, you don’t need to feel sorry for me anymore, I can take care of myself” His voice was filled with a bitter tone, I couldn’t help but stare at him, even now he looked beautiful.

“Ryan” I whispered. Where did he get that from? That I only felt sorry for him? I was about to launch in to a speech about how much I liked him but he left.

I watched Ryan Ross walk away from me for the second time since I’d known him.

I cried for a while, not gonna lie. Ryan must have some kind of effect on me.

“Dude, are you still in here?” I looked up to see Spencer; he was clutching his phone and had a worried expression on his face.

“No, I’m sitting in music, obviously” I said, sarcastically.

He glared at me, “Anyway, can you take my phone? I have a geography exam in like 5 minutes” He thrust his phone towards me.

“Since when did you have a geography exam?” I didn’t even know he took geography.

“Since like, ten minutes ago” I raised a single eyebrow, “Okay, they told us two weeks ago, but I mean come on, I’ve had other things on my mind since then!”

“Like Jon?”

He giggled, “Maybe, and speaking of whom, I’ve put a lock on my phone so you can’t perv on my texts”

“Like I’d want to do that, freak”

“Bren, are you okay? Your eyes look a little red”

“I’m fine” I lied, Spencer gave me a look which I knew meant he didn’t believe me. He’d never see past my lies, he’d known me way too long.

“Sure, see you later then”

He tapped out a message to someone; I’m presuming Jon, then handed it over to me and walked out.

As soon as he’d left his phone buzzed. I didn’t want to impose, but I was curious as to what he was texting Jon. Besides, his password was always the same, 0182.

1 New message – Jon.

What a surprise.

Ryan’s boyfriend’s cute isn’t he! Just seen them holding hands, was adorable! Not as cute as you obviously;) Can’t wait to see you again :D xx

There, right there was when I knew what heartbreak was.

A/N Sorry, I lied xD I'd reel off a list of excuses but I'm lazy so, here's the short version - Ficwad kept failing me, then I fell asleep. Sorry again D: OH and R&R? :3 Reviews make me want to write more :) OH and I know I've suddenly changed toilet to bathroom..:L I realised Americans don't really say toilet... this is a weird sentence...
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