FicWad

Dear Diary

The pages were blank. That's all the healer's book had been -- just a tome of blank pages. Gerard was disappointed to say the least, instantly deeming the book useless. He had hoped for something, although unsure as to what. It felt like he had expected something from some vague dream that he barely even remembered having.

But as weeks turned into months, Gerard was having a hard time remembering a lot of things.

He was certain this place had finally begun to turn his brain into mush. He begun having trouble forming complete thoughts. It was like his cognitive thinking was only working in fragments. More and more, Gerard was taking in the world in broken bits and pieces, and everything that had happened before the present was lost in a haze.

While most of the time, he did in fact remember Lindsey Way and their daughter Bandit and their life together -- there were occasional days when things became... blurred.

He knew he had a wife.

Did he have a wife?

Sometimes he remembered the appearance of beautiful, dark haired woman -- but could attach no name or meaning to her. He knew that he was familiar with her, but that was all he could really gather.

He remembered songs, but never who they were by or from. And the parts he could recall came to him in short segments, and then would slip out of his fingers like sand. He wondered how many of the little songs he could recall were his own.

Dreams were interchanging with reality.

Reality was interchanging with dreams.

With the full knowledge that he was probably losing his mind, Gerard tried to think of ways that he could permanently grasp what little he felt certain of. And he found the perfect opportunity when one day, a blackbird appeared to have left a pen on his bed.

While he did not have any sense of day or night, time or date, he did his best to maintain a journal. It was difficult for him to write more than one sentence for every entry, but his coherent thoughts would often flicker away from him even faster than that anyway.

The following is what Gerard had been able to fill its pages with over the span of one month:

I think I'm starting to get claustrophobic.

This damned room gets smaller every day. It's like it's somehow getting more crowded by ghosts, or something like that.




They keep changing things. The sheets smell different. I think they might be painting the walls too. But how, when I never see them? Do they have a way to turn invisible? Maybe they're spies from Russia, or maybe they work for the Air Force. Some organization that has high tech gadgets... the kind that would help you turn invisible.



I keep seeing this man. He says he's my little brother, Mikey. But my brother died in a war. He was shot on a beach, I saw it with my own eyes. I could remember seeing his face, wincing and scrunching up in pain behind those circular glasses he always wore. I wanted to run to him, but someone held me back. And I was just screaming and screaming and screaming...



This one is obviously an imposter. Another trick of the blackbirds.



My body is aching. I feel like I'm getting sicker. A blackbird probably gave me something while they were fucking me. Sometimes when I'm asleep, I feel one of them inside me. Their dicks burrow inside like a massive worm. A massive, painful worm.



But then I open my eyes, and there no one there.



No one but the darkness, my constant companion.



I guess it's my fault. I fall asleep alot as of lately. I'm certain that they've been giving me some sort of sleeping drug. It's kept me in a limbo between slumber and awareness. I can't tell which is which anymore. I wish



Needles are jutting out of me, they cover me all over. It hurts.



I can't stop crying. I miss you so much, yet I can't seem to remember you anymore. I just know I wish I were with you, back home. I miss your hugs and your smiles and your kisses. At the very least, I remember how it felt when you would squeeze me around my waist, or how it got warm when I would bury my face in your neck, on your shoulder. I remember that I love you. I'm so sorry I had to leave.



My aunt had Alzheimer's. She died at 83. I wonder if this is what she felt like. So... helpless.



I think



I've decided I'm going to kill myself the next chance I get. I'm not sure how, but a table has appeared by my bed. Maybe I can bash my head in with it.



I really wish I'd stop knocking out so much. My eyelids keep falling, and I'm in a constant battle with them. I am tired of sleep, but I am also tired. So fucking tired.



I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I don't want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home



Head bashing failed, and they took the table away. Imposter Mikey appeared to me, yelling about something. He started crying, too. It was weird.



Someone named Eliza keeps popping into my head. Is that the name of the person I'm missing? No, I don't think that's right, but she's definitely somebody. Friend or foe? I can't tell that about anyone anymore.



When I first went into high school, I did hang out with this group of kids for a short time. They seemed like pretty chill guys. And then they took me out to the canyons one night. We were supposed to just have a campfire, and smoke some bud. A few beers maybe. When I got in the car, there was a girl from our school that came with us too. A pregnant girl. She was a couple years older, I think a junior. I think... I think she was dating a guy in the group, but I can't imagine why. Then again, not all of them may have been from the same grade. I don't really remember. Anyway, we got up there, and we made camp. We set up a fire. Brought out some food, smoked some pot. We were all having a good time... and then they raped her. They tore off her clothes until she was completely naked. They took turns fucking her, and they all punched her in the stomach. I didn't do anything, but I just sort of sat back and watched. I'd like to think I was just too scared to do anything, but to be honest I'm not sure that's the whole truth. When they took out a swiss blade army knife, repeatedly shoving both ends into her already bleeding pussy, as she cried and cried and cried and screamed and screamed and screamed....I won't lie -- I felt myself become slightly erect. But I'd like to think that was because it had been my first time seeing a woman naked, and not from a screen of any sort. They ate her out when the blood was pouring out of her most heavily, drinking her blood like sweet honey or milk. They tried to talk me into fucking her too. I stupidly told them I was gay, and finally, I ran off while the proceeded to beat her violently. I assumed she was dead after that night (it was a Friday), but on Monday I saw her again. Walking the halls, like nothing happened. Everyone was talking about how she had miscarried. She caught my eye once, and I felt myself shatter. I never told anyone about it. But I also stayed the fuck away from people after it happened. I guess I had tried make it like that night never happened. I tried to ignore it, avoid it. But karma gets everyone in the end. Who was I to escape punishment for what I did? Yet I never laid a finger on her... I wonder if those who did ended up worse than I am here? The worst part is I know they're probably in nice suburban homes right now, safe and happy. With families and love they don't deserve.



None of us deserve anything but death.
Why should some suffer more than others?
Why can't we all just burn together?



I think I remembered something today, about before I got here. Just before I got here. I was meeting someone. I think his name was... Bart? No, Bert. I was meeting someone named Bert, I met someone named Bert... but then my memory blanks, and it's all just darkness again.



Fuck.



Mom,
I'm glad you never saw me like this. I hope you never see what they did to me. You were a good mom, even if you were a drunk. You deserved better than dad. You deserved better than me. I'm sorry we ever got in the way of your happiness. At least you had Mikey. He was the only redeeming quality in our family. He was more like you than I ever was. Probably why I loved him so much.



I'm in so much fucking pain. They won't stop penetrating me everywhere. They won't stop touching me. I feel their eyes on me, even when I'm not around. I'm screaming constantly GO AWAY GO AWAY GO AWAY. But they never go away. They never will, until I'm dead. That's what they're waiting for, isn't it?



Go away.
Please.
I can't take this anymore.



Someone left a gun on the floor.


Next Chapter: This is who I am: escapist, paradise seeker! Farewell, now time to fly -- out of sight, out of time, away from all lies!