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Mikey POV

I forgot to give Gee his medication before Frankie and I walked off, so I took my time walking to his tutor room to give him the pills.

I was strolling down the corridor, tutting at the students who couldn’t be bothered to put trash in the bins, and I could see a couple sprawled outside Gerard’s tutor making out, before sitting up and hugging each other.

Rolling my eyes I tried to ignore them, but as I got closer to them I couldn’t help but glance at who they were.

I flickered my eyes down then halted on the spot, paralyzed with shock.

Horrified, I noticed the uncontrollable hair of Gerard and the tattoos inked on Franks skinny arms.

‘Is it just every guy Frank?!’ I squeaked, unable to stop myself.

Gerard’s eyes shot up to meet my disgusted stare and they pulled apart. Frankie couldn’t look at me, he just stared at the dirty floor, cross legged.

‘It’s not what it looks like Mikey.’ Gerard spoke, gesturing with his hand to calm my incoming rage.

‘It’s exactly what it looks like Gerard! That’s twice now you’ve done this!’ I screamed, my fists clenched.

I saw a tear roll down Frankie’s cheek, and I felt a pang of guilt. I couldn’t help it. I knew he was using me.

Cursing violently, I flipped them both off, chucked Gerard’s medication across the floor, then stormed off. My anger subsided and it soon turned to good old fashion depression. Running to the toilets I locked myself in one of the cubicles and burst into tears, my stomach turning.

I suddenly felt sick so I knelt down over the toilet and gagged, and then threw up, my body reeling at my burning throat. Tears streamed down my face, and I clutched harder to the toilet, my sick soon turning to bile.

Relieved I twisted my body around and propped myself up against the door, hugging my legs to my chest.

I can’t believe Gerard has done this too me again. First with Levi, now Frankie. I wanted to warn Frankie, tell me I was the better option, not some drunken arrogant maniac.

I understand that they’re both troubled, but isn’t everyone? I am and you don’t see me pouncing on different people when I feel sad.

Feeling sorry for myself, I scrambled to my feet and swung the door open, staggering out.

It’s okay.

I’m used to this.

Gerard POV

I don’t feel bad.

I can’t help how I feel.

I also can’t control what Frankie does, and I don’t know why he is so upset. I know he is at least bi, but I couldn’t imagine Frankie being his type, and Frankie likes me, so unless he’s done something with Mikey…

Bewildered, I glared at Frankie, and his eyes met mine, the spark had vanished.

‘What have you done to my brother?’ I stated my voice in a low hushed tone.

Frankie swallowed and squirmed slightly, silently standing up and began to walk away from my question. Annoyed, I stood up too, and tugged at his top, pulling him close to me, his face in my heads.

I narrowed my head and looked into his deep painful eyes, his face pale.

‘What did you do?’ I repeated, this time louder.

‘I kissed him.’ He whispered guiltily, squinting.

Swearing, I pushed him to the ground, and swiped up my meds, apologies pouring out of Frankie’s mouth. Unscrewing the cap, I knocked back several pills, desperate to get rid of the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I threw the empty bottle at Frankie and stalked into my classroom, a room full of eyes judging me.

‘Got a fucking problem?’ I screeched, wailing my arms, fury taking over my body.

Everyone was taken back by my rare reaction, and even the jocks didn’t say anything.

‘I said do you have a fucking problem?’ I screamed at their shocked faces.

Hands trembling, I blacked out. I picked up the nearest empty chair and threw it across the room with all the strength I could muster, my messy hair sticking to the cold sweat covering my pale face. This provoked a squeal from the girls and gasps from the boys.

I was loosing touch with reality.

I couldn’t think.

Breathing heavily I stood at the front of the class, staring wildly at the cowering faces of my fellow pupils. I started to chuckle, which quickly turned to hysterical laughter, my small teeth forming into a creepy sideward’s grin.

I felt a firm grip on my shoulders as an unrecognisable teacher held me too the spot, whilst another shouted for assistance.

It reminded me of the shadows.

Panic surged through my body and I began to bolt it out of the door, shaking the teachers off me, but it was blocked by Frankie. He bit his lip and approached me slowly, hands up to show he wasn’t going to hurt me.

I started to twitch irrationally, and then took two steps forwards to Frankie then recoiled, the voices shouting at me, my adrenaline rising. My vision became blurred and chaotic, and I felt utterly ridiculous and futile but my brain was ticking too fast for me too keep up. The voices in my head worsen, so disturbing and morbid my brain shuts down my body and I collapsed, wishing the ground would swallow me up.

I can hear Frankie scream but I can’t take in what he’s saying, I could feel my eyes roll back inside my head, the cold sweat drenching my hair and making me hot.

I can’t cope.

Everything I see has peeled itself away from reality, and I try to speak but stutter and stumble, my heart palpitations worsening with each second. I feel like there’s noose around my neck, smothering me. I start to scratch at my neck fiercely, trying to stop the strangling feeling. A pair of icy hands pulled them away. I could feel my throat closing up and my eyes felt heavy.

Anxiety swamping my brain I scramble to get up, the walls contorting and the floor spinning, voices just noises, I fall forward, and Frankie caught me neatly in his inked arms. Dragging me out of the classroom he propped me up against the lockers, and stroked my hair, whispering at me too calm down. I couldn’t understand what he was saying.

Smiling slightly, I squinted at Frank.

‘I would love to draw you Frankie. You’re so perfect.’ I croaked.

Then total darkness.

Frank POV

I propped Gerard up against the lockers, cupping his face with my hands and telling him to calm down. He didn’t seem to be co-operating and students started to mill around in a circle around us, seeing what was going on.

‘Just fuck off!’ I choked, my eyes welling up.

This was my fault.

Gerard’s empty eyes kept closing and his pupils were dilated, almost black, his breathing was unstable. I started to panic and a few teachers rushed over, one dialling 911 into a phone, calling for an ambulance.

‘Stay with me Gerard. Every things going to be okay.’ I whispered my heart shattering.

‘I would love to draw you Frankie. You’re perfect.’ He slurred, then his head limply titled forward, and his body followed, his face resting on the front of my shoulder.

He was unconscious.

‘Take his coat off, give him some air!’ The nurse ordered calmly, rushing over the Gerard’s side.

My clammy hands started to remove his arms out of his sleeves, and I crumpled it in a ball and placed it on my lap. I tried to twist Gee’s body around but it was proving difficult and my hands weren’t working properly. Between sobs, the nurse helped me move Gerard so his head was resting on my lap.

The nurse gasped when he saw the cuts covering Gee’s arms, and how thin they looked. The newest cut glistening in the yellow artificial light.

He looked like he was dying.

Bereaved, I took hold of Gerard’s hand squeezing it. I’m not going to let this happen to him, I can’t loose another person. He started gently shuddering, then it worsened, his whole body violently shaking. I tightly threaded my quivering arms around his torso and buried my face in his hair, trying to keep his body still, rocking backwards and forwards.

Random voices were telling me to let go of him, something about a panic attack. I couldn’t let go, if I let go I might never be able to hold him again. This was my entire fucking fault.

‘Frankie, listen, the ambulance is here now, you have to let go of him.’ A soft male voice whispered in my eye.

My bloodshot dismal eyes peered up at the voice, and Mikey sympathetically tugged at my shirt, his eyes watery.

I refuse to let go.

I shook my head, squeezing my eyes shut, screaming at everyone to leave us alone, he’s going to be fine. Three paramedics rushed over to the scene, ordering people to make way for the stretcher. Frightened, I clutched to Gerard tighter, his body cold and his face emotionless, his hair sticking to his face. My fingers brushed his fringe out of his face, his eyes slightly open.

‘Frankie, let him go, I’m here, don’t worry, everything’s going to be fine.’ Mikey comforted.

Choking, I let go of Gee, breaking down in a flood of tears, my hands tangled in my hair. Mikey knelt down next to me, and pulled me closer to him, shushing my screams and kissing my hair.

‘I-m so so sorry Mikey.’ I managed to murmur.

The paramedics lifted Gerard onto the stretcher, and rushed him to the ambulance, his beautiful mouth covered by an oxygen mask. I started to cry harder, my tears falling to the floor, helpless and vulnerable.

‘Frankie he’s going to be fine, he’s having a panic attack.’ He said, trying to convince me.

I didn’t believe him for one second.

//

Mikey and I were let out of school early, so we went home and waited for Donna to collect Gee. Apparently he was now stable, and was prescribed with new medication to avoid another chronic episode.

I was in the basement, nestling my face in Gerard’s pillow, breathing in his musty sweet smell, the occasional tear tickling my cheek.

Looking around his darkened room I noticed empty beer cans scattered around, and the occasional bottle of vodka or wine. His paints and amazing drawings were still left on the floor, so I leaped up ad started organising the papers, the dark fantasy drawings captivating me.

Whilst flicking through his papers I noticed a poem or lyrics of some sort. Curious, I started to read.

Hand in mine, into your icy blues
And then I'd say to you, we could take to the highway
With this trunk of ammunition too
I'd end my days with you in a hail of bullets

I couldn’t read anymore, but it looked like something was missing. Fiddling with a pen in between my fingers I started to right another paragraph.


I'm trying, I'm trying
To let you know just how much you mean to me
And after all the things we put each other through and

I would drive on to the end with you
A liquor store or two keeps the gas tank full
And I feel like there's nothing left to do
But prove myself to you and we'll keep it running


My eyes began to water so I crawled back in the bed and pulled the duvet over my face, exhausted, cocooning myself in total black. I heard the door creak open but I stayed under the duvet, not bothering to converse in conversation. The bed dipped slightly and I felt a hand rest on my waist.

‘Frank, Gerard’s going to be home soon.’ Mikey stated coldly.

I’m guessing he’s still annoyed.

Pulling the duvet down I lent up on the back board of the bed, nibbling my lip ring.

‘Mikey. I didn’t mean to lead you on. I was confused and it felt comforting. I was scared, I needed someone. I should have stopped…’

‘How the fuck do you think I feel? I put everything on the line for Gerard, and you know damn well he’s going through a lot of shit and doesn’t need you fucking him about.’ He shouted his voice surprisingly steady.

‘I know, I feel terrible Mikey, please forgive me.’ I begged, not daring to look him in the eye.

I heard a heavy sigh and then two spiny arms wrap around me, cuddling me.

‘I forgive you Frankie. It just…hurt. I know you’re going through shit as well, even if you don’t talk about it, but Gerard needs us, he needs a routine and a simple couple of months to get him back on track.’ He said tenderly.

I need help.

Mikey POV

I couldn’t be annoyed at Frankie any longer, he was sweet and caring and he was confused. He doesn’t even have a proper family, he latches on too everything emotionally, and it gets too much for him to handle.

I decided against telling him about Levi. I felt like it wasn’t my place to say. It’s not Frankie’s fault Levi fell for Gee and not me, most people do.

Don’t get me wrong, I hate Levi, but at the time, he was stunning and sweet. Sickly sweet, and then there was a thin rope of evil wrapped around his brain, catching anyone vulnerable.

I tucked Frankie in bed, and he fell asleep almost straight away. He looked so cute. Rubbing my forehead I walked downstairs to the lounge and sat heavily on the black couch, the pillows swallowing my small frame.

Seconds turned to minutes and minutes turned to hours. I was sat on the sofa with the TV on mute, waiting for the soft roar of the engine to fill the night’s silence. I watched the clocks hands tick around the face, the long metal rods perfectly in sync with my pulse.

Waking up suddenly I realised I must have fallen asleep, as a pale drawn out Gerard walked through the door, Mom close behind. He looked like a corpse. His eyes blinked towards my face, then fell back to the floor.

‘Mikey go up to bed sweetie. Gerard’s fine, he just suffered from a panic attack that’s all.’ She smiled.

‘Mikey don’t worry about me, I’m fine.’ He flakily grinned, his small teeth white.

He is such a liar.

Sucking in my cheeks and grinding my teeth I rose from the sofa and approached the stairs, quickly glancing at Gerard, recognising his bluff.

Mumbling I shuffled to my room, and carefully slipped into bed next to a snuffling Frankie. Lying on my back I stared straight up at the ceiling, thoughts whirling through my fucked up little head.

My bedroom door opened slowly, and Gerard’s face appeared round the corner, before opening the door fully, creating a shadow.

‘Mikey, I swear to God if you fuck things up for me you’ll regret it.’ He hissed, breathing heavily.

‘Gerard, get the fuck out.’ I bit back.

Not again…