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Gerard POV

I had no idea what was going on.

My mind was totally blank.

Which is weird considering I know where I am, I know who is here, but I just haven’t comprehended why I’m in the state I am currently in. It’s feels like a complete contrast to my anti-depressants. Instead my emotions are crazy and so surreal but my logic has vanished.

Bemused, I kissed Frankie lightly on the forehead and felt my heavy eyes close, not due to sleep deprivation, but to the ridiculously bright lights burning my already hazy vision. I felt my head rest limply on Frankie’s chest, his heart beat tapping faintly against his ribs. I automatically breathed at the same time as his pulse, the melodic sombre ticking of the muscle calming by growing nerves.

I heard heavy fast footsteps begin to exit my room, curiosity forcing my watery eyes to open. I managed to catch a glimpse of Mikey storming out of the room, confusion swamping me once again.

Furrowing my eyebrows I anxiously looked up at Frankie, who peered down at me lovingly and planted one delicate kiss upon my forehead.

I couldn’t care less why I’m here now.

All I cared about was that Frankie was in my arms, and I felt secure.

Breathing in his sweet scent I shuffled up uneasily so I was sitting more upright, struggling to get to grips with the menacing pain piercing my ribs with the smallest of movements. It even hurts to breath, and that’s never a good sign.

Frankie swiftly swung his legs over the bed and lay angelically next to me. Yawning I tilted my head on the backboard of the bed and sucked in my cheeks.

‘I need a fag.’ I whined, rolling my head dramatically over to Frankie.

Rolling his eyes he raised one finger at me and skipped off, leaving me dazed. Irritated about my immobility I fidgeted with a stray piece of frayed thread from the duvet. I began to twist the thin yet strong fabric around my fore finger, watching the tip drain of colour and become increasingly white, distracting my fragile mind from the pain.

Frankie shortly came back with a wheel chair, presenting it to me like it was the most fabulous idea ever, before wheeling it over to be and grinning from ear to ear.

It was rather adorable.

Smiling at him, I attempted to crawl out of the disturbingly hard hospital bed, until an unknown force started to pull on the front of my left hand. Grimacing in pain, I nervously looked down and concentrated on a see through plastic tub attached to my hand. Stricken, I exhaled sharply as I realised an IV drip plonked in the corner, my stomach turning.

‘Why is there a fucking needle in me?!’ I shrieked at Frankie, my head spinning vigorously.

‘Shh Gee, I’ll go get a nurse and see if they can take it out now.’ Frankie offered calmly, his eyes almost begging me to stop being melodramatic.

I can’t fucking help it.

It’s a fucking needle.

Nodding frantically I watched him rush off, thoughts still whirling around my head, my mind feeling obliterated from all the sedation. Closing my eyes restlessly I tried to think logically about what was going to happen, which seemed like an impossible task.

I’m guessing they’ve seen my wrists.

I heard them say they thought I was underweight.

I also over heard someone say something about a psychiatrist coming in to access me.

Also, I’m in need of different medication.

Fuck…

Just as it was all fucking coming together…

My Mom was convinced I wasn’t going to relapse and I was getting better from the last time I was emitted, and now that’s all been annihilated thanks to a fucking fight. Then they tell her I’m underweight? Have they seen me? They’re all stupid…

Now I have to start all over again.

My confusion was swiftly turning into uncontrollable anger, causing me to grip the frame of bed in frustration, my knuckles turning white with strain.

They don’t know what they are fucking talking about.

Yes they do Gerard; you know you’ve let everyone down, especially me.

‘Oh fuck…please…not again.’ I pleaded, releasing my tight grip from the bed and running my hand through my tangled hair.

You thought you could get rid of me didn’t you? Guess again. They can not get rid of me, I’m part of you.

‘No…no your not. You’re just a figure of my imagination, they said so.’ I bit back aggressively, keeping my voice low.

The last thing I need is too draw attention to myself.

They say I lot of fucking things. They said you were ‘under weight’ remember? Both you and I know they are lying. Have you seen yourself?

Whimpering, I desperately, covered my ears with my trembling hands, trying to block out the voice which I thought I had banished.

It feels like a black mist covering my brain.

That’s the best way I can explain it.

It’s as if my sanity has been veiled with poison, and each cell is slowly dying. I can almost feel my sane cells disintegrating and the insanity cells growing, blocking my reason and logic.

I didn’t like this, not one bit.

But the voice is right…How can I tell reality from fantasy if both worlds are colliding?

‘Gee…are you okay?’ Frankie questioned nervously, interrupting my mumbling trail of thoughts.

Alarmed, I removed my hands and clasped them on my knees, then raised one hand to my mouth and started to bite at the skin, a nervous habit I haven’t quite kicked yet

‘Erm, yes. I’m just tired. What did the nurse say?’ I hesitated, trying to avert the subject.

‘They’re going to check you in 15 minutes, but she said it should be fine.’ He confirmed, shuffling over to me.

Perching on the edge of the bed he visibly frowned at my arms, my pale skin contrasting with the deep puckered scars, revealing ugly secretes.

Embarrassed, I crossed my arms in order to try and disguise my shame, but the guilt of putting everyone through what I’m going through was swallowing me up, making me feel isolated.

‘Why did you never tell me?’ He finally whispered weakly, breaking the silence. his head nuzzling into my stiff neck.

I didn’t have an answer.

I couldn’t say I didn’t trust him, that’s the last thing he needed to hear.

Gerard, tell him the truth, you’ve already fucked him over, you can do it again.

‘Fuck off.’ I hissed, my blood boiling in anger.

‘W…what?’ Frankie stuttered anxiously, glancing up at me looking stung.

‘Not you Frankie…’ I started, struggling to come up with an excuse for my sudden aggressive outburst.

‘I’m confused…’ He stated defeated, shaking his head.

‘What about sweetheart?’ I softly asked, snaking my aching arm around his muscular waist, and then kissing his head quickly, panic crawling into my weak system.

‘About you…Just tell me why you can’t tell me anything Gee, I’ll change if I have to.’ He half begged, dark hazel eyes scarring my conscience.

‘You don’t have to change anything honey, you’re perfect.’ I croaked unsteadily, but reassured him with the warmest smile I could muster.

‘That didn’t answer my question.’

Shrugging his shoulders, he dejectedly unthreaded my arm around from his waist and buried his face in his hands, soft muffles escaping the gaps between his laced fingers.

I can’t put him through this anymore…

Helplessly, I cradled him in my arms as he cried openly into my chest, the itchy hospital gown soaking up the salted tears impressively, as the blood rushed to my head quicker than I anticipated.

Frowning at my obstructed eye sight I hushed Frankie softly, faint apologies occasionally leaving his mouth. Tutting at his reluctance to understand that it isn’t his fault I started to trace light shapes on his upper back, and nibble his ear.

His tears began to thin with only the stray one or two rushing down his flustered cheeks, often stopped by my icy hands. Shaking his head to revive himself slightly he stared up at my heart felt face once more, pain lacing his beautiful eyes, the wet tears empathizing the swirls of amber and vivid green.

‘It’s going to be okay Frankie, I promise.’ I whispered in his ear.

Hope laced his face as he looked up at me, his bottom lip quivering. He looked so vulnerable, so cute, I can’t believe I’ve been putting him through this.

‘Hello Gerard!’ A strange man with black short hair said cheerily, interrupting us.

Don’t trust him Gerard.

What? Why?

He’s bad news pal. He’s going to take your Frankie away from you.

‘And who the fuck are you?’ I snapped coldly, clinging onto Frankie protectively causing him to whimper.

‘Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed!’ The man laughed uneasily, eyeing me up and down.

Who the fuck is this guy?

‘’What do you want?’ I sighed heavily, flicking my hair out of my eyes.

‘Gerard, I’m Dr Threller, I shall be assessing you for the next couple of days whilst you stay in hospital.’ He informed me carefully, smirking at me.

‘Oh hell no!’

‘Unfortunately Gerard you shall be seeing a lot of me from now on, I’m going to help you get back on track.’ Dr Threller smiled at me, clutching onto a folder and a pen.

‘Back on track? When did I get fucking off it!’ I screamed, my blood boiling.

‘You don’t remember me do you Gerard?’ Dr Threller asked, frowning slightly and writing something on a piece of paper.

‘I’ve never fucking seen you in my life!’ I exclaimed, looking desperately at Frankie who looked completely lost.

‘Wait wait wait, Have you too met before?’ Frankie spoke, raising his eyebrow.

‘Yes.’

‘No!’

Frustrated I rolled my eyes even more and leant back heavily on the back board, groaning.

‘What is your name?’ Dr Threller questioned Frankie, edging closer to the bed.

‘Stay fucking away from him!’ I exploded, tightening my grip around Frankie’s arms, my heart pounding and my anxiety rising.

Dr Threller stopped immediately and looked at me causally, then raised his hands as a surrender gesture.

‘Gerard, I’m not going to hurt you or Frankie.’

Shaking my head frantically I clutched onto his shoulders without realising my own strength, tears brimming my eyes and my breathing becoming unstable again.

‘Gee…You’re hurting me. Please let go.’ Frankie pleaded with me, squirming.

Hesitating, I bit my lip and released him as he began to stand up. Panicking, I seized his hand, trying to be gentle, although they were clammy and my hair was sticking onto my face.

‘Don’t leave me Frankie.’ I croaked, trying to pull him closer to me.

I needed to feel his warmth again.

‘Gerard, Dr Threller obviously needs to speak to you, I think I better go.’ He told me firmly, then leant down and planted one last kiss on my lips, a tear rolling down my cheek.

‘Stay strong sweetheart, I’ll be right outside okay? I’m never going to leave you, ever. Understand?’ He softly said against my ear, his hot breath calming my nerves.

Relentlessly I let go of his hand and he walked off, being rewarded with an awkward pat on the shoulder from Dr Threller.

He’s never coming back Gerard.

‘Fuck off!’ I hissed uneasily, getting agitated.

‘Who are you speaking to Gerard, who’s there?’ The soothing voice of Threller said, his psychiatric tone pissing me off whilst he wrote something down again.

Breathing heavily I glared at him, refusing to talk back to him. Looking uncomfortably he shuffled closer towards me, making my stomach twist as I pressed my back closer to bed, biting my lip and inhaling sharply.

‘Gerard, talk to me, I’m here for you, I want to help.’

‘You can’t help.’ I stated simply, my arrogance returning.

‘Yes I can.’ He said confidently, writing something down again.

‘Can you stop fucking writing shit down!’ I shrieked at the irritating habit.

‘Gerard be nice!’ I heard Frankie shout at me behind the door.

Tutting I folded my arms carefully across my chest, signalling to Threller I might cooperate a bit.

‘Now then Gerard. How are you feeling.’

For fucks sake.

I knew this would happen again.