Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > The Midnight Troupe
Leslie never noticed Sidney’s absence. Alexia had brought alcohol, and in the lights of the candles, she looked really, really, pretty. At some point, somebody put on the soundtrack of Cabaret which completely destroyed any traces of sanity left in the room.
“So. You’re Sid’s new bestie.”
She was drunk. He was drunk. He didn’t care.
“Yeah. And?”
“Can see why he likes. You. Fuck.”
At that point, Alexia hit him, and he kissed her.
~*~
“STOP!” Sidney screamed, tearing after John. But John knew the woods better than he did, and Sidney was tripping over roots and hidden rocks. He couldn’t feel his fingers anymore, and his toes were dead to the world.
Something was wrong. Even though John was right in front of him, Sid kept losing sight of him. He’d vanish, then reappear.
John eventually stopped in a clearing, and Sidney doubled over, breathing hard.
“Know where we are?” John asked.
“Why? Why aren’t you my brother anymore?” Sid panted, trying to keep one eye on John.
“Do you know why you can’t breathe right now?” John asked, ignoring him.
“Out...of...shape?”
“Nope. You’re still smoking. That’s why. It’s a miracle you managed to stay on your feet while you were fighting,” John replied.
“Quit...ages ago!” Sidney wheezed.
“That’s where you’re wrong, bro. In fact-”
“Why don’t you want to be my brother anymore?” Sidney interrupted.
John paused. How could he put it in a way that wouldn’t destroy him?
Sidney knew that something was wrong. Sidney knew this, because John knew this.
“Uh...listen, Sid. I’m not...real.”
Sidney knew exactly what he meant. He didn’t believe it at first, though.
“What?”
“Don’t ‘What’ me. Sidney, did you actually expect to come out of your childhood without any scars? No mental problems at all?” John asked.
Sidney’s breath wheezed in and out of his chest.
“Sidney, you’re sick. Head Sick. I’m not real. I’m just...a part of you. Your left hemisphere. Your alter personality that you switch to when things get too tough,” John explained. Why wouldn’t Sidney stop wheezing?
Sidney sank to the ground. “This isn’t funny.”
“I’m not laughing.”
Sidney could feel the snow seeping through the bottom of his pants, making his butt wet. His brain was going No. No. NO. NO! NOT POSSIBLE! NO. NO. NO. NO.
John’d been his brother since forever. He had to be real.
“Sidney, are you crying?” John asked, incredulously.
“When. We were. Kids. You were...” Sidney measured his words carefully. He was crying, a little, tears making his face clammy.
“You needed me. Dad was hitting you before you even got into grade one. When you showed up to kindergarten, you were a monster. You’d switch from regular kid to Marquise de Sade in five minutes. Dad found out, got mad, break you, and you’d break kids at daycare. You were...so alone. Heartbreakingly alone. You cried a lot,” John explained.
Sidney rubbed his nose. “Think I sort of remember that.”
“So you invented me. I was your friend. Your only friend. Your brain split, into me, and into John. You needed somebody to help you, and I fit the bill.”
"So...when you fixed me up, after dad..."
"That was you."
"And when you hauled me to the nurse's office?"
"Limped there on your own. She didn't talk to me, because she didn't see me."
"That why...Gee never spoke to you?"
"Yeah."
"And I got myself back into school."
"Pretty much, yeah. You're a resourceful kid."
Sidney nodded, laughing. “I’m crazy.”
John knelt next to him in the snow. “We’re both crazy.”
“Just...one question, bro. Or...whatever the fuck you are.”
John reached into his jacket, and pulled out a cigarette and lighter. “Shoot.”
“How’d you find out you’re an, uh, alter or whatever?”
John dropped his cigarette. “Um. Dunno. Research.”
Sidney knew John was lying. “What happened, John?” Sidney asked, an edge coming into his voice.
“She told me.”
“Who told you?”
“Nina did.”
~*~
Leslie, now devoid of shirt, shoes, and pants, had been pulled into a broom closet by Alexia and had fully forgotten about Sidney.
~*~
“Nina?”
“Oh, man, dude. Oh, man. Nina, damn, dude. She’s good. So good to me,” John smiled at the sky.
“What did you do to her?” Sidney asked, razors lining his voice. Nina was his girl. Not John’s. Where the hell did he get off?
“Don’t even, boy. I’m your older brother. Don’t even tell me that I’m a demon for doing her. You kissed her,” John said.
Sidney thought back to that night. He didn’t know how he got there, but he was feeling lighter.
Pot. It was pot. We were smoking up.
Nina was smiling, eyes red, reaching for his hand, and he thought that-
-thought it was a dream, huh L’il bro?
it wasn’t real-
-just like everything else about her, right, Sidney?-
Shut up, John. Sidney pressed his lips to hers, and she froze.
Sidney would’ve left it there. John wanted it. John took it. Take a hike, Sidney. Go to sleep.
No. John couldn’t have-
Sidney glared at his brother.
“You fucked her.”
“There we go. Acceptance,” John said, smiling.
“Why?”
“Why not? You remember a bit of it. Woke up halfway through.”
A flash of thigh, Oh My God, what the hell was going on-
“But...I loved her...” Sidney whispered.
“You loved her because you couldn’t have her. She liked me, though. Got her drugs, and Leslie gave her stability. Nina was talking to me once, all, ‘You give me drugs, tell me I’m just a friend, but the next day, you’re my puppy.’ I put it together then. I mean, really, born six months apart? How does that even work? And you’re an only child at heart, Siddy. Really, didn’t even think it through, did you?” John asked.
He was rubbing it in his face, now. John got the girl, the lucidity, and, come to think of it-
“And don’t even think of claiming Midnight Troupe as your own. That was all me. See, there should be more people like us. Ergo, create Troupe, create more lonely boys so you won’t be so alone.”
And Sidney got nothing. He had Leslie, who was probably John’s friend, not his, Alexia, same, he had nothing.
“Why else would you get the fool card?” John asked, chuckling at his own brilliance.
“Fuck you.” Sidney said. He didn’t say it with venom. Or with hate. It was just a statement.
Getting up, Sidney trudged away from the school, into the woods.
“Wait! Wait a minute! Where’re you going?” John called.
Sidney didn’t answer.
I asked you something. Sidney heard his brother’s voice.
Ignoring him further, Sidney picked up speed until he was running.
God, Nina didn’t even like him, not even remotely. Thinking back to John’s gloating, he slowed down and stopped next to a gnarled willow.
“Hey, John?” he asked. John’s voice came from behind him.
“What’s up, dude?”
“Did...she say yes?”
There was no answer. Sidney felt his stomach knot.
“Oh my. Oh, no. Lord, help me.”
“Hey, Sidney cool it. It’s not like she said no.”
Sidney’s stomach heaved, and he leaned forward, throwing up all over his boots.
Once his stomach cramped, he kept running forward. He was a monster. A monster.
Just like his dad.
“Sidney, don’t go that way!”
Sidney’s eyes started to blur, from cold and from tears.
“The fence is down!”
No, no, no, Nina, oh my God, so sorry, she didn't deserve that...
“You’re going to run right into the street!”
Sidney skidded to a stop.
“What street?” he asked the empty air.
He heard the semi before he saw it. And when he finally turned to face it, Sidney only thought,
Oh, Great, am I hallucinating this too?
When the truck hit him, it knocked him clear off his feet. During the span in between flight time and landing time, Sidney thought, Aha! Now THIS is real!
He landed on his back with a sickening crunch. It vaguely reminded him of when his dad gave him a skull fracture.
He also expected it to hurt like the worst ass-kicking he’d ever gotten, but he couldn’t seem to feel anything.
John skidded through the forest, coming to a stop beside him.
Holy shit, I’m so sorry! I’m so sorry! I shouldn’t have lied, I’m so sorry, I should’ve told you sooner, told mom, somebody! I should’ve stood up for you, but I’m a shit older brother and you deserve better. Can you breathe? Why aren’t you moving? Sidney? SID KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN! IT’S GONNA BE OKAY! OH, GOD, OH GOD, WHAT HAVE I DONE? Keep breathing! Please. Look, the trucker guy’s calling an ambulance. I’m holding your hand, okay? Can I still do that? Breathe, Sidney. Please.
Don’t die, Sidney. I’m so sorry, I love you, I love you so much.
Sidney stared up at the sky. Merry Christmas, John.
It started snowing.
(A.N. There we go! Those of you who suspected, you were right. John was a hallucination the whole time. Go back. Read through it. It's in there. As usual, thank you for reading, it means a lot.)
“So. You’re Sid’s new bestie.”
She was drunk. He was drunk. He didn’t care.
“Yeah. And?”
“Can see why he likes. You. Fuck.”
At that point, Alexia hit him, and he kissed her.
~*~
“STOP!” Sidney screamed, tearing after John. But John knew the woods better than he did, and Sidney was tripping over roots and hidden rocks. He couldn’t feel his fingers anymore, and his toes were dead to the world.
Something was wrong. Even though John was right in front of him, Sid kept losing sight of him. He’d vanish, then reappear.
John eventually stopped in a clearing, and Sidney doubled over, breathing hard.
“Know where we are?” John asked.
“Why? Why aren’t you my brother anymore?” Sid panted, trying to keep one eye on John.
“Do you know why you can’t breathe right now?” John asked, ignoring him.
“Out...of...shape?”
“Nope. You’re still smoking. That’s why. It’s a miracle you managed to stay on your feet while you were fighting,” John replied.
“Quit...ages ago!” Sidney wheezed.
“That’s where you’re wrong, bro. In fact-”
“Why don’t you want to be my brother anymore?” Sidney interrupted.
John paused. How could he put it in a way that wouldn’t destroy him?
Sidney knew that something was wrong. Sidney knew this, because John knew this.
“Uh...listen, Sid. I’m not...real.”
Sidney knew exactly what he meant. He didn’t believe it at first, though.
“What?”
“Don’t ‘What’ me. Sidney, did you actually expect to come out of your childhood without any scars? No mental problems at all?” John asked.
Sidney’s breath wheezed in and out of his chest.
“Sidney, you’re sick. Head Sick. I’m not real. I’m just...a part of you. Your left hemisphere. Your alter personality that you switch to when things get too tough,” John explained. Why wouldn’t Sidney stop wheezing?
Sidney sank to the ground. “This isn’t funny.”
“I’m not laughing.”
Sidney could feel the snow seeping through the bottom of his pants, making his butt wet. His brain was going No. No. NO. NO! NOT POSSIBLE! NO. NO. NO. NO.
John’d been his brother since forever. He had to be real.
“Sidney, are you crying?” John asked, incredulously.
“When. We were. Kids. You were...” Sidney measured his words carefully. He was crying, a little, tears making his face clammy.
“You needed me. Dad was hitting you before you even got into grade one. When you showed up to kindergarten, you were a monster. You’d switch from regular kid to Marquise de Sade in five minutes. Dad found out, got mad, break you, and you’d break kids at daycare. You were...so alone. Heartbreakingly alone. You cried a lot,” John explained.
Sidney rubbed his nose. “Think I sort of remember that.”
“So you invented me. I was your friend. Your only friend. Your brain split, into me, and into John. You needed somebody to help you, and I fit the bill.”
"So...when you fixed me up, after dad..."
"That was you."
"And when you hauled me to the nurse's office?"
"Limped there on your own. She didn't talk to me, because she didn't see me."
"That why...Gee never spoke to you?"
"Yeah."
"And I got myself back into school."
"Pretty much, yeah. You're a resourceful kid."
Sidney nodded, laughing. “I’m crazy.”
John knelt next to him in the snow. “We’re both crazy.”
“Just...one question, bro. Or...whatever the fuck you are.”
John reached into his jacket, and pulled out a cigarette and lighter. “Shoot.”
“How’d you find out you’re an, uh, alter or whatever?”
John dropped his cigarette. “Um. Dunno. Research.”
Sidney knew John was lying. “What happened, John?” Sidney asked, an edge coming into his voice.
“She told me.”
“Who told you?”
“Nina did.”
~*~
Leslie, now devoid of shirt, shoes, and pants, had been pulled into a broom closet by Alexia and had fully forgotten about Sidney.
~*~
“Nina?”
“Oh, man, dude. Oh, man. Nina, damn, dude. She’s good. So good to me,” John smiled at the sky.
“What did you do to her?” Sidney asked, razors lining his voice. Nina was his girl. Not John’s. Where the hell did he get off?
“Don’t even, boy. I’m your older brother. Don’t even tell me that I’m a demon for doing her. You kissed her,” John said.
Sidney thought back to that night. He didn’t know how he got there, but he was feeling lighter.
Pot. It was pot. We were smoking up.
Nina was smiling, eyes red, reaching for his hand, and he thought that-
-thought it was a dream, huh L’il bro?
it wasn’t real-
-just like everything else about her, right, Sidney?-
Shut up, John. Sidney pressed his lips to hers, and she froze.
Sidney would’ve left it there. John wanted it. John took it. Take a hike, Sidney. Go to sleep.
No. John couldn’t have-
Sidney glared at his brother.
“You fucked her.”
“There we go. Acceptance,” John said, smiling.
“Why?”
“Why not? You remember a bit of it. Woke up halfway through.”
A flash of thigh, Oh My God, what the hell was going on-
“But...I loved her...” Sidney whispered.
“You loved her because you couldn’t have her. She liked me, though. Got her drugs, and Leslie gave her stability. Nina was talking to me once, all, ‘You give me drugs, tell me I’m just a friend, but the next day, you’re my puppy.’ I put it together then. I mean, really, born six months apart? How does that even work? And you’re an only child at heart, Siddy. Really, didn’t even think it through, did you?” John asked.
He was rubbing it in his face, now. John got the girl, the lucidity, and, come to think of it-
“And don’t even think of claiming Midnight Troupe as your own. That was all me. See, there should be more people like us. Ergo, create Troupe, create more lonely boys so you won’t be so alone.”
And Sidney got nothing. He had Leslie, who was probably John’s friend, not his, Alexia, same, he had nothing.
“Why else would you get the fool card?” John asked, chuckling at his own brilliance.
“Fuck you.” Sidney said. He didn’t say it with venom. Or with hate. It was just a statement.
Getting up, Sidney trudged away from the school, into the woods.
“Wait! Wait a minute! Where’re you going?” John called.
Sidney didn’t answer.
I asked you something. Sidney heard his brother’s voice.
Ignoring him further, Sidney picked up speed until he was running.
God, Nina didn’t even like him, not even remotely. Thinking back to John’s gloating, he slowed down and stopped next to a gnarled willow.
“Hey, John?” he asked. John’s voice came from behind him.
“What’s up, dude?”
“Did...she say yes?”
There was no answer. Sidney felt his stomach knot.
“Oh my. Oh, no. Lord, help me.”
“Hey, Sidney cool it. It’s not like she said no.”
Sidney’s stomach heaved, and he leaned forward, throwing up all over his boots.
Once his stomach cramped, he kept running forward. He was a monster. A monster.
Just like his dad.
“Sidney, don’t go that way!”
Sidney’s eyes started to blur, from cold and from tears.
“The fence is down!”
No, no, no, Nina, oh my God, so sorry, she didn't deserve that...
“You’re going to run right into the street!”
Sidney skidded to a stop.
“What street?” he asked the empty air.
He heard the semi before he saw it. And when he finally turned to face it, Sidney only thought,
Oh, Great, am I hallucinating this too?
When the truck hit him, it knocked him clear off his feet. During the span in between flight time and landing time, Sidney thought, Aha! Now THIS is real!
He landed on his back with a sickening crunch. It vaguely reminded him of when his dad gave him a skull fracture.
He also expected it to hurt like the worst ass-kicking he’d ever gotten, but he couldn’t seem to feel anything.
John skidded through the forest, coming to a stop beside him.
Holy shit, I’m so sorry! I’m so sorry! I shouldn’t have lied, I’m so sorry, I should’ve told you sooner, told mom, somebody! I should’ve stood up for you, but I’m a shit older brother and you deserve better. Can you breathe? Why aren’t you moving? Sidney? SID KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN! IT’S GONNA BE OKAY! OH, GOD, OH GOD, WHAT HAVE I DONE? Keep breathing! Please. Look, the trucker guy’s calling an ambulance. I’m holding your hand, okay? Can I still do that? Breathe, Sidney. Please.
Don’t die, Sidney. I’m so sorry, I love you, I love you so much.
Sidney stared up at the sky. Merry Christmas, John.
It started snowing.
(A.N. There we go! Those of you who suspected, you were right. John was a hallucination the whole time. Go back. Read through it. It's in there. As usual, thank you for reading, it means a lot.)
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