FicWad

40. Surprise
2 July 2006
Gen – And now for something completely different. Happy birthday AreslovesXena? Apologies to Discworld and Monty Python...

DIRECTOR: "Okay, let's try this again." (Points) "Antony. Finishing up your segment. Do a sexy little wiggle. Sexy, I said. Fine. Fine! That's good enough."

ANTONY escapes.

DIRECTOR: (expansive, impatient gestures) "Cake! Wheel in the cake!"

Enter enormous five-tiered cake. Looks like chocolate.

DIRECTOR: "The mark! Get on the bloody mark! Okay… cue music. Why is there a duck on the trumpet player's head? No, I don't want to know. Keep playing."

Divers alarums.

DIRECTOR: "Wrong score!"

Fanfare and expectant pause.

DIRECTOR: "Ares!"

CAKE: "What?"

DIRECTOR: "Your cue?"

CAKE: (testily) "Cue for what?"

DIRECTOR: "Jump out of the fucking cake!"

Top plane of cake lifts to reveal ARES in icing hold-all trimmed with cherries.

ARES: "Now what?"

DIRECTOR: "What do you mean 'now what'? Spell the birthday girl's name!"

ARES: "Right." (Pauses) "Line?"

DIRECTOR: "Do the cheer!" (Holds arms above head in a point reminiscent of the letter "A") "Give me an A!"

ARES: (face becomes blank and hands reach down to grab rapidly disintegrating icing hold-all) "This is ridiculous." (Vanishes)

DIRECTOR: (Oblivious) "Give me an R! Give me an E! Give me an S! Do the hand symbols, band. Give me an L! Give me—"