Categories > TV > Degrassi > Secrets We Keep

I Kinda Hate Myself Right Now

by SecretlyInSlytherin 0 reviews

Eli's POV And he's just thinking too much.

Category: Degrassi - Rating: PG-13 - Genres:  - Published: 2012-10-03 - Updated: 2012-10-03 - 1145 words

Gently running my finger up and down the scare that is forming on Brianna's upper arm the only thoughts that race through my mind are ‘this is my fault.’ I could have prevented Fitz from cutting Bri's arm open…but I didn't, I just stood there too stunned to move. Fitz wanted to hurt me, he knew hurting her would cut me the deepest. As Brianna presses herself closer to my side; her head resting on my chest, a single tear slips from the corner of my eye. Pull it together, Eli I say silently as I wipe away the few salty drops of water that have managed to escape from my eyes.

The sun peeks through the curtains and in this second I realize this is the first time since she was released from the hospital that Brianna has slept through the night. Bri's room is freezing but I refuse to move for fear of waking her; she looks so calm…so at peace. Brianna needs rest. She has dark circles under her eyes; she's paler than normal and ever so thin. The thinness obviously stems from the fact Brianna refuses to eat hospital food and now she has to re – teach her stomach to accept solid food but still…Bri looks unhealthy. Yet, she is alive and able to sleep through the night; that has to count for something.

A smirk plays across my lips, it's because she has me. Who else told her to keep going when all Brianna wanted to do was pull the tubes out of her arms and die; who stayed up with her countless nights talking things over…me. Don't be cocky Eli, I silently tell myself. So what she slept through the night and I just happen to be lying next to her…that doesn't mean anything. Suddenly, Bri sits up, a shiver running through her body.

I sit up with her, holding Brianna close to me. What has happened? Shit, she was just fine and then I had to go and mess things up. I just can't win these days.

"What time is it?" Brianna questions while rubbing her eyes.

"Um..." I start, pulling my phone out of my pocket, "it's eight."

"Grrr…" growls Bri, allowing herself to fall back onto her pillow which hadn't been touched once during the night.

I swing my feet over the side of Brianna's bed and walk over to the window; pulling the curtains open. Just because I didn't want to wake her up before doesn't mean I'm going to let her fall back to sleep. "Wake up sleepy head," I say with a smirk.

Brianna glares angrily up at me with her piercing light blue eyes before sitting up again, head resting in her hands. How is she not freezing? Brianna is in black short – shorts and a over sized Dead Hand shirt she had stolen from me...I'd given up hope of getting it back a while ago.

"Breakfast at The Dot?" asks Bri, coming to stand next to me by the window. "David is working today, I'm sure he'll give us a discount."
David is Brianna's older brother who abandoned law school for a job at The Dot. He's a cool dude but sometimes he is a bit off on his ideas. How can he just give up an opportunity to get out of here? Not paying much attention to where I am walking my foot catches the corner of the stand that Bri's black and red bass is displayed on, sending it crashing to the floor.

Looking at me with wide eyes, Brianna begins shaking her head, "There better not be a scratch on that Elijah Goldsworthy." she says as I lean over to pick her prize possession up off the floor.

With a smirk I place the bass guitar back on the stand. Brianna has no clue how cute she looks when she is pretending to be upset. Pulling her close to my chest I rest my head on her shoulder, "It's just fine." I whisper before pressing my lips to the base of her neck.

Rolling her eyes Brianna moves away from me, drawing various article of clothing from her drawers before disappearing to the bathroom.

Plopping back down on her unmade bed, I pick up Brianna's phone; flipping through her various texts. K.C., K.C., Adam, K.C., K.C., K.C., K.C., Adam, Adam, Adam, and then about a hundred messages from me that Brianna hasn't deleted even though the majority of them are from a little over a week ago. K.C. is a good guy but he had only met Bri the day of Vegas Night and yet he came to visit my girlfriend almost every day when she was confined to the hospital bed. Often he stayed for hours on end leaving her different candies or a stuffed animal, sometimes he brought coffee. It all seems rather odd to me.

"Jealous Eli?" the annoying little voice in my head jeers.

I grimace, shaking my head vigorously back and forth trying to get it to go away. I'm not jealous of K.C. That would be ridiculous. Brianna has only seen K.C. once since she was released from the hospital and that was yesterday after ice skating the rest of the time she clings to me like a leech. I love Brianna, probably just as much as Julia and I watched her almost die twice…if that doesn't make a guy protective I'm not positive what does.

With a loud bang the bathroom door is thrown open and in the doorway is my main reason for living because right now I kinda hate myself. She is dressed in a black white and red plaid skirt, a black tee shirt and around her neck is a black and white checked tie…so the normal. Giving me a concerned look Bri crosses the room; sitting down on my lap, her feet dangling over the foot board.

"What's wrong, Eli?" she questions, intertwining her fingers in my mess of jet black hair.

I take in a shaky breath, not meeting her gaze, "Nothing. I'm fine. Let's go to The Dot."

"Something has been bothering you Elijah. Please just tell me. I want to make it better," Brianna says defiantly.

"Fitz should have stabbed me." I state, bracing myself for her reaction.

Brianna's defenses fall apart as tears begin to spill down her face. "Don't say that. It's not true and no matter what you say I'm not going to believe it."

I wipe her tears away with my index finger, biting back the words that want to be voiced. I hate myself for what I did to Julia, for what I didn't do to stop Fitz from stabbing Brianna and for what Claire still doesn't know. I should have died.
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