Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > When Both Our Cars Collide
a/n: sorry it’s been so long! I feel really bad about it but I’m going to try to update sooner. I’m not even going to write excuses because they are annoying and are always the same. And in case you missed it, I edited the last chapter and added some more to it and you have to read it. It’s kind of a key part in the story. And now for the update...
When I was finished, the room was silent. The only noise was the coffee machine ending its brew. I didn’t dare look at either of them. I was sick. They were going to think I was some weak, pathetic child. I could agree with that, though. I wasn’t strong; I wasn’t a person that could put on a tough face while they were alone.
The worst part was that I didn’t even tell them the significance to those three little words. I couldn’t. That was something I shared with Gerard and no one else. Not even my mom. Perhaps that is why she never approved of Gerard and my sexuality. She thought it was my dad’s fault. It was nothing of the sort. He never influenced me on anything.
Linda is very simpleminded in that way. She never looked at me the same after she found out about my father. I was tainted and impure. She thought I enjoyed it. She thought that because Anthony had raped me, it convinced me to like boys. Sometimes I believed it myself. I hated myself for that. Not once had I told anyone about what was being done to me while I was never told not to.
I was never told I couldn’t seek help.
Tears silently slid down my face as shame crept in. Of course Ray didn’t know what I was crying about when he comfortably rubbed my arm, but he did it anyways.
“Is that it?”
“What do you mean is that it?” I stared disbelievingly at Mikey. How could he say that?
“Well Gerard never is that bipolar. I mean honestly, you must be leaving something out from That Day or maybe a little before then?” Mikey asked.
“Are you calling me a liar? If I was talking about something that fucking ruined my life I don’t think I would lie about it.” I stood up as to leave, Mikey following suit.
“Guys, hold up and sit back down,” Ray ordered. We both sat down. “Now Frank, is there anything else that you are keeping secret from before?”
“Why does everyone think I’m lying to them!” I was furious. Not only did I tell them about the worst day of my life but they got angry with me. I couldn’t stop what was coming out of my mouth. After so many secrets I couldn’t handle it anymore. The pain of reliving it inside my head was too much. So I let it out.
“What do you fucking want out of me?! I tell you what happened just like you said! Do you want to hear how my father raped me or Linda doesn’t even look at me the same since then? Do you know how long I had to go with her thinking I was some unholy thing? Hell, she still thinks that! Is that what you wanted to hear, you ungrateful fucks? That’s why Gerard called me ‘my little slut’. He knows that’s what my dad called me. He was the only one who knew!”
I had stood back up during my little rant and I was breathing heavily. I thought that talking it all out would help, even if I was yelling, but it just made me exhausted. My limbs felt heavy and the room felt like it was slowly turning, like I could see the earth’s rotation.
~
When I lifted my heavy eyelids, my head started to spin. I noticed I was back on Ray’s couch and then regret instantly seeped in. I wasn’t supposed to tell anyone about that. It was something I only shared with Gerard, the last thing we still shared. I couldn’t believe myself. Well maybe I could, considering how I have been living my life lately. I couldn’t even describe how awful I felt. My life was a waste.
When I was with Gerard, he made me feel like I was on the top of the world, like I could do anything in the world. He made me feel like I could actually make a difference, I could matter. Dreaming of something big and great is something parents would be proud of but in reality, it just makes your life miserable when it doesn’t happy.
I am not a resilient person. I can’t just accept my failures right away to try again. I dwell on them and make myself feel bad. Maybe that’s what I’m good at. It’s what I like to do in a sense. I’m slowly growing addicted to making myself unhappy. All my decisions, I concluded, I was subconsciously hoping would bring me to fail. It was the only thing I was good at.
Lying with my eyes closed as the headache began to fade I realized, this is what I was born to do. A small, timid smile spread across my face for the first time in what seemed like forever.
Of course it got wiped away a few seconds later when my phone went off. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. They ruined my moment. I wasn’t exactly sure on what I could call it. It wasn’t happiness... and it wasn’t joy. Maybe it was... satisfaction? I wasn’t sure what to call it but I had plenty of time to think about it, after my phone call.
I reached over to the coffee table next to the couch where my phone, a glass of water, some Advil and a note was and answer with a lazy, “hello?”
“Frank, what the hell man? I thought you were going to call me back?” It was Brian. I didn’t blame him much. I had said I was but that was before...
“Hey, sorry, I just... got a little caught up in something.”
“Fair enough, but do you want to go out tonight? I’m meeting some guys at the bar and was wondering if you wanted in?” As I thought about it, it sounded like a good thought. I picked up the note left on the table and quickly scanned over it.
‘Had to go to work. Don’t go anywhere.
Please.
-Ray & Mikey’
Without a thought further I answered, “Sure, I’ll be there soon,” and hung up. Downing the water and a couple of Advil, I grabbed my car keys and left.
~
I ended up at a loud club with the music so loud you could hardly hear yourself think, I loved it. I found Brian with a fairly large group of people at the bar. He greeted me with a hug- he must have been drinking already- and asked me how I was doing. I didn’t answer knowing he wasn’t actually going to listen to the answer. I mostly drank in silence as I watched the group joke and tell stories I wasn’t interested in. They all seemed to be having a good time and in turn, I wasn’t too bad myself.
I lost count of my drinks and I ended up on the dance floor dancing with some guy I didn’t know the name of. He was good looking- tattoos with dark hair. I couldn’t see the rest, or well, I wasn’t paying attention to it.
The never ending song and sweaty stench faded and I was surrounded in the fresh air that hit me like a bus. Stumbling, he pushed me against a wall, kissing me hungrily. Just as greedy, I applied pressure in all the right places. We sloppily made out against some wall until he panted in my ear, “Le’s get outta here.”
A rushed and nasty cab ride and we were in a dark and dingy apartment, but I didn’t care. My head was spinning and I was drenched in lust. Before I knew it we were naked on his couch and the unknown man was inside me. It was ecstasy. I couldn’t remember feeling this good in awhile. It was over in a flash and we were asleep, piled on top of each other.
When I awoke, I was still tangled up in the stranger. Feeling suddenly exposed, I detached myself from the guy, who snored away showing no sign of waking up. Looking around I couldn’t find any of my clothes around. Trying not to be too loud, I looked around until I found the only article of clothing I could of mine, my pants. I guess I’m going commando, I thought. Roughly tugging up my jeans I headed for the door. I felt bad leaving without a note or anything I went to the kitchen for a pan and some paper.
Just as I found what I was looking for, a loud banging on the door occurred. I froze in place. What the fuck was I supposed to do now? I heard stirring in the living room, a thump and a harsh, “shit.” I couldn’t help but giggle at that. The guy I slept with walked into the kitchen, where I was, looked at me, grabbed a pineapple and walked out. I was so confused. Peeking out the door I could see him answer the door, the pineapple covering his dick.
“JEPH!” a blonde squealed right as he answered the door. The blonde then pounced on pineapple guy, Jeph. I just wished I had snuck out while I could have. “Where have you been? I thought we were meeting up at noon!”
“Seriously Quinn... you could’ve called or something.” Jeph didn’t see amused. Quinn just pouted and pushed his way past Jeph. I hid in the kitchen thinking that I was in deep shit because this Quinn was probably Jeph’s boyfriend or something. Of course he went straight to the kitchen and ran right into me.
“Oh!” Quinn stated, clearly surprised. A flash of anger consumed his face and I thought I was surely done for. Quinn looked like he could kill me, despite the girly way he talked. But instead of charging me, he turned around to yell at Jeph, “Why didn’t you tell me you had a love interest and why have you been keeping him a secret!?”
“Uhh..” was all Jeph could say, not wanted to embarrass me by saying I was just a drunken mistake. I thought I might as well say it if Jeph wasn’t going to.
“We actually, umm, just met last night..” I said, reaching back to scratch my neck.
“Ooohhhh, sorry I guess.” He obviously didn’t know what to say. “Well I should be going but umm, text me Jeph buddy.” And he was gone, slamming the door on his way out.
“So, do you want some breakfast? We have uhh,” Jeph moved over to the cabinets and fridge to look through which looked as empty as mine, “coffee and… oranges?” I really could see he was trying. I felt bad because it was an awkward situation but he was trying to make it better.
“I should probably get out of your hair…” I waved towards the door, looking at the ground.
“It’s really no problem,” he rushed out saying. I was a little surprised. I could see he wanted me to stay. I let out a timid, “okay.”
The next few minutes were spent in silently smoking while the coffee was brewing. I was sitting on the kitchen counter staring at my feet, while Jeph did… I didn’t know. I looked up and saw him just, looking at me. But it wasn’t just a normal look, there was something behind it. Lust. He walked towards me determinedly. He attached his lips to mine and pulled me closer, having me wrap my legs around his waist. I could already feel that he was half hard. I rocked into him, the feeling of pleasure building up inside me.
I felt something inside me snap. The animal inside me came alive. I ripped off my pants and pushed Jeph to the floor. He complied easily, moaning the whole time. There was biting, sucking, and harsh fucking. There was definitely going to be bruises on both of us.
“That was,” Jeph cleared his throat, “that was good.” I nodded in response, feeling all emotion draining from me. I didn’t know how to feel, so I chose not to feel at all. I put my pants back on and got ready to leave.
“Hey! Could I get your number maybe?” Jeph called after me, still breathing hard.
“Oh, uhh sure.” I gave him my number and on second thought added, “I’m Frank.”
“Oh! I’m Jepha.” He laughed awkwardly and tossed me a random shirt. “See you around I guess.”
“Yeah, sure.” And I left.
When I was finished, the room was silent. The only noise was the coffee machine ending its brew. I didn’t dare look at either of them. I was sick. They were going to think I was some weak, pathetic child. I could agree with that, though. I wasn’t strong; I wasn’t a person that could put on a tough face while they were alone.
The worst part was that I didn’t even tell them the significance to those three little words. I couldn’t. That was something I shared with Gerard and no one else. Not even my mom. Perhaps that is why she never approved of Gerard and my sexuality. She thought it was my dad’s fault. It was nothing of the sort. He never influenced me on anything.
Linda is very simpleminded in that way. She never looked at me the same after she found out about my father. I was tainted and impure. She thought I enjoyed it. She thought that because Anthony had raped me, it convinced me to like boys. Sometimes I believed it myself. I hated myself for that. Not once had I told anyone about what was being done to me while I was never told not to.
I was never told I couldn’t seek help.
Tears silently slid down my face as shame crept in. Of course Ray didn’t know what I was crying about when he comfortably rubbed my arm, but he did it anyways.
“Is that it?”
“What do you mean is that it?” I stared disbelievingly at Mikey. How could he say that?
“Well Gerard never is that bipolar. I mean honestly, you must be leaving something out from That Day or maybe a little before then?” Mikey asked.
“Are you calling me a liar? If I was talking about something that fucking ruined my life I don’t think I would lie about it.” I stood up as to leave, Mikey following suit.
“Guys, hold up and sit back down,” Ray ordered. We both sat down. “Now Frank, is there anything else that you are keeping secret from before?”
“Why does everyone think I’m lying to them!” I was furious. Not only did I tell them about the worst day of my life but they got angry with me. I couldn’t stop what was coming out of my mouth. After so many secrets I couldn’t handle it anymore. The pain of reliving it inside my head was too much. So I let it out.
“What do you fucking want out of me?! I tell you what happened just like you said! Do you want to hear how my father raped me or Linda doesn’t even look at me the same since then? Do you know how long I had to go with her thinking I was some unholy thing? Hell, she still thinks that! Is that what you wanted to hear, you ungrateful fucks? That’s why Gerard called me ‘my little slut’. He knows that’s what my dad called me. He was the only one who knew!”
I had stood back up during my little rant and I was breathing heavily. I thought that talking it all out would help, even if I was yelling, but it just made me exhausted. My limbs felt heavy and the room felt like it was slowly turning, like I could see the earth’s rotation.
~
When I lifted my heavy eyelids, my head started to spin. I noticed I was back on Ray’s couch and then regret instantly seeped in. I wasn’t supposed to tell anyone about that. It was something I only shared with Gerard, the last thing we still shared. I couldn’t believe myself. Well maybe I could, considering how I have been living my life lately. I couldn’t even describe how awful I felt. My life was a waste.
When I was with Gerard, he made me feel like I was on the top of the world, like I could do anything in the world. He made me feel like I could actually make a difference, I could matter. Dreaming of something big and great is something parents would be proud of but in reality, it just makes your life miserable when it doesn’t happy.
I am not a resilient person. I can’t just accept my failures right away to try again. I dwell on them and make myself feel bad. Maybe that’s what I’m good at. It’s what I like to do in a sense. I’m slowly growing addicted to making myself unhappy. All my decisions, I concluded, I was subconsciously hoping would bring me to fail. It was the only thing I was good at.
Lying with my eyes closed as the headache began to fade I realized, this is what I was born to do. A small, timid smile spread across my face for the first time in what seemed like forever.
Of course it got wiped away a few seconds later when my phone went off. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. They ruined my moment. I wasn’t exactly sure on what I could call it. It wasn’t happiness... and it wasn’t joy. Maybe it was... satisfaction? I wasn’t sure what to call it but I had plenty of time to think about it, after my phone call.
I reached over to the coffee table next to the couch where my phone, a glass of water, some Advil and a note was and answer with a lazy, “hello?”
“Frank, what the hell man? I thought you were going to call me back?” It was Brian. I didn’t blame him much. I had said I was but that was before...
“Hey, sorry, I just... got a little caught up in something.”
“Fair enough, but do you want to go out tonight? I’m meeting some guys at the bar and was wondering if you wanted in?” As I thought about it, it sounded like a good thought. I picked up the note left on the table and quickly scanned over it.
‘Had to go to work. Don’t go anywhere.
Please.
-Ray & Mikey’
Without a thought further I answered, “Sure, I’ll be there soon,” and hung up. Downing the water and a couple of Advil, I grabbed my car keys and left.
~
I ended up at a loud club with the music so loud you could hardly hear yourself think, I loved it. I found Brian with a fairly large group of people at the bar. He greeted me with a hug- he must have been drinking already- and asked me how I was doing. I didn’t answer knowing he wasn’t actually going to listen to the answer. I mostly drank in silence as I watched the group joke and tell stories I wasn’t interested in. They all seemed to be having a good time and in turn, I wasn’t too bad myself.
I lost count of my drinks and I ended up on the dance floor dancing with some guy I didn’t know the name of. He was good looking- tattoos with dark hair. I couldn’t see the rest, or well, I wasn’t paying attention to it.
The never ending song and sweaty stench faded and I was surrounded in the fresh air that hit me like a bus. Stumbling, he pushed me against a wall, kissing me hungrily. Just as greedy, I applied pressure in all the right places. We sloppily made out against some wall until he panted in my ear, “Le’s get outta here.”
A rushed and nasty cab ride and we were in a dark and dingy apartment, but I didn’t care. My head was spinning and I was drenched in lust. Before I knew it we were naked on his couch and the unknown man was inside me. It was ecstasy. I couldn’t remember feeling this good in awhile. It was over in a flash and we were asleep, piled on top of each other.
When I awoke, I was still tangled up in the stranger. Feeling suddenly exposed, I detached myself from the guy, who snored away showing no sign of waking up. Looking around I couldn’t find any of my clothes around. Trying not to be too loud, I looked around until I found the only article of clothing I could of mine, my pants. I guess I’m going commando, I thought. Roughly tugging up my jeans I headed for the door. I felt bad leaving without a note or anything I went to the kitchen for a pan and some paper.
Just as I found what I was looking for, a loud banging on the door occurred. I froze in place. What the fuck was I supposed to do now? I heard stirring in the living room, a thump and a harsh, “shit.” I couldn’t help but giggle at that. The guy I slept with walked into the kitchen, where I was, looked at me, grabbed a pineapple and walked out. I was so confused. Peeking out the door I could see him answer the door, the pineapple covering his dick.
“JEPH!” a blonde squealed right as he answered the door. The blonde then pounced on pineapple guy, Jeph. I just wished I had snuck out while I could have. “Where have you been? I thought we were meeting up at noon!”
“Seriously Quinn... you could’ve called or something.” Jeph didn’t see amused. Quinn just pouted and pushed his way past Jeph. I hid in the kitchen thinking that I was in deep shit because this Quinn was probably Jeph’s boyfriend or something. Of course he went straight to the kitchen and ran right into me.
“Oh!” Quinn stated, clearly surprised. A flash of anger consumed his face and I thought I was surely done for. Quinn looked like he could kill me, despite the girly way he talked. But instead of charging me, he turned around to yell at Jeph, “Why didn’t you tell me you had a love interest and why have you been keeping him a secret!?”
“Uhh..” was all Jeph could say, not wanted to embarrass me by saying I was just a drunken mistake. I thought I might as well say it if Jeph wasn’t going to.
“We actually, umm, just met last night..” I said, reaching back to scratch my neck.
“Ooohhhh, sorry I guess.” He obviously didn’t know what to say. “Well I should be going but umm, text me Jeph buddy.” And he was gone, slamming the door on his way out.
“So, do you want some breakfast? We have uhh,” Jeph moved over to the cabinets and fridge to look through which looked as empty as mine, “coffee and… oranges?” I really could see he was trying. I felt bad because it was an awkward situation but he was trying to make it better.
“I should probably get out of your hair…” I waved towards the door, looking at the ground.
“It’s really no problem,” he rushed out saying. I was a little surprised. I could see he wanted me to stay. I let out a timid, “okay.”
The next few minutes were spent in silently smoking while the coffee was brewing. I was sitting on the kitchen counter staring at my feet, while Jeph did… I didn’t know. I looked up and saw him just, looking at me. But it wasn’t just a normal look, there was something behind it. Lust. He walked towards me determinedly. He attached his lips to mine and pulled me closer, having me wrap my legs around his waist. I could already feel that he was half hard. I rocked into him, the feeling of pleasure building up inside me.
I felt something inside me snap. The animal inside me came alive. I ripped off my pants and pushed Jeph to the floor. He complied easily, moaning the whole time. There was biting, sucking, and harsh fucking. There was definitely going to be bruises on both of us.
“That was,” Jeph cleared his throat, “that was good.” I nodded in response, feeling all emotion draining from me. I didn’t know how to feel, so I chose not to feel at all. I put my pants back on and got ready to leave.
“Hey! Could I get your number maybe?” Jeph called after me, still breathing hard.
“Oh, uhh sure.” I gave him my number and on second thought added, “I’m Frank.”
“Oh! I’m Jepha.” He laughed awkwardly and tossed me a random shirt. “See you around I guess.”
“Yeah, sure.” And I left.
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