FicWad

They always say, “Night magic fades with the moon.” When I felt myself begin to wake up I was scared the magic would be gone. Slowly, I opened my eyes to a mess of dark hair. I brushed the hair out of Gerard’s face, smiling at how childish his sleeping form appeared. He was out cold, curled up with his head resting on my chest. His breath was hot on my breast. It turned me on. I kissed his cool forehead. At some point in the night he must have pulled the covers up over us. Wanting to go back to sleep I snuggled deeper under the blankets when I noticed one of Gerard’s arms was hanging out of the comforter. As I tried lacing my fingers with his I saw all the swollen red marks along his wrist and forearm. They were like battle wounds, going every which way as if he was frustrated or drunk when he made them. Frowning, I ran my finger along one of the healing cuts, causing the boy to grimace in his sleep. I jerked my hand away and looked about at my surroundings with sober eyes. Soon I become aware that the cuts weren’t the only things I’d missed. On the nightstand were bottles and bottles of various pills labeled with names that were not Gerard’s. The remnants of our drinking were all over the floor in the other room, bottles half full with beer or vodka were sitting on the tables. Suddenly an alarm went off causing Gerard to reach up and knock a Darth Vader clock off the nightstand. He rolled over, cursing under his breath, and stretched before flinging the covers back, causing my body to break out in ice cold goose bumps. That was when he noticed me, naked in the sunlight. My tanned skin looked golden in the bright light of morning. Gerard stared at my nude form as if I would disappear at any moment. He rubbed his eyes and seemed stunned that I was still laying there. He brushed his thumb across my lower lip then allowed his pointer finger to trail its way across my breast and down to my naval. “I thought it was some sick dream my subconscious was using to torture me.”
“No,” I managed to scratch out “it was real.” All it took was the tip of his finger on my skin to set my body on fire.
“Wow.” he said under his breath. “You’re so beautiful.” he said quietly. We sat in silence, unsure what else to say. He began to draw pictures with his finger on my stomach. I almost whimpered. “I thought I was dreaming when I woke up in the middle of the night and saw you there. I sat up for a bit watching you sleep.” he said sheepishly. He reminded me of a small child. “You kept mumbling something, but I couldn’t make out what you were saying.”

The snooze went off.

He sighed dramatically and pulled his hand away. I reached out for it. “We have to finish recording.” he said pulling away. “And I have songs to write and- and Holy fuck last night really happened?” he asked a bit louder, his voice still hoarse with sleep.
I simply nodded, taking his hand, playing with his fingers. “Gerard your arms.” I whispered
He stopped abruptly, frozen. All he did was pull his arm away from me silently and sit staring at the floor.
“You need help.” I said, sitting up and crossing my legs.
“I have all the help I need.” he gestured to the pills and booze
I shook my head, trying to comprehend all that was happening and all that had happened. I wanted to kiss him. I wanted him to kiss me back. I wanted to stay in that bed forever and never worry about anything else again. I didn’t want my perfect night ruined, but he was doing some seriously fucked up shit and I wasn’t going to stand by quietly and let it happen if I could help it. Not after what happened to Adam.

In the end I couldn’t help Gerard, but more on that later.

He got up and put on some boxers, making me aware of my nakedness. I pulled his shirt up off the floor and put it on. It smelled like alcohol and cologne mixed with something else that I couldn’t place. Closing my eyes, I breathed in the scent of his clothing. We dressed without looking at one another. He in clean clothing, and myself in his shirt from the previous night and my jeans. I couldn’t find my own shirt.

He lent me a spare toothbrush. I walked to the bathroom on the other side of the basement and stared at myself in the mirror, taking in my reflection. My eyeliner was everywhere, my lipstick was smudged across my face, and my hair was greasy and disheveled. There was a film on my teeth that tasted like old vodka. After brushing my teeth I began walking upstairs to get some coffee. What I saw on my way up shocked me. He was standing in his room counting little red pills into his palm and singing to himself, “The red ones help me fly and the blue ones help me fall.” before he dumped however many of the red pills into his mouth and washed them down with our left over vodka. I bolted up the stairs before Gee could see me. About ten minutes later he came upstairs. He was so wired I could almost see him vibrating. He took his coffee black and with a cigarette. I had found some Bailey’s in the china cabinet and put some in my coffee. I sat in silence, trying not to stare at his wrists.

When Gerard walked me to my car I hugged him, and didn’t let go. I took in the smell of him. Booze, cigarettes, and the mysterious scent I could never place. It made my head spin. I nuzzled his neck. Nothing could pry me away from him.
“Sweetheart? Is that you?” my mother shouted from the street.

Except that.

I jerked away from Gerard and turned to see my mother and David sitting in the car in front of Gerard’s mailbox.
“Hi-hiya Ma. David.” I lifted a shaking hand in greeting.
“Honey, Joshua called us last night looking for you.” It was the most horrifying thing I’d ever heard. “He said you told him you were with us.” I’d forgotten all about my lie. I was done. “Were you out drinking?” my mother asked, raising a concerned brow at my appearance.
“Uh yeah mom. I got really hammered at the bar up the street and had to call Gerard to come get me.” I hoped my mother would overlook the fact that my car was sitting in the driveway. She didn’t. She stared directly at it. And by the look of disappointment on David’s face I knew that he hadn’t fallen for my stupid lie either. Neither of them said a word. They only looked at me like two disappointed parents, but always one to keep up appearances my mother turned to Gerard and said, “Hi Gerard. How is your grandmother, Sweetie?”
“Uh, she’s alright.” he mumbled to the ground.
“Well you better call Josh and tell him you’re alright, Brianna. Drive home safely. It was nice to see you Gerard honey.” and with a once over of my attire my mother and David pulled away.

I reached out for Gerard, but he jerked away. “Really?” he spat
I stared at him until I could no longer look him in the eye. “Yes.” I said to the pavement. Ashamed of myself.
“I never would have if I’d known. I thought when you said you had to get back that you were talking about a dog! This is not okay. This is not working.”
“Wait a second.” I said calmly
“You came over here and then everything was perfect and you let me kiss you and hold you and then you let me make love to you. How was I supposed to know? What was I supposed to think?”
Perfect? He said everything was perfect. Wait. Made love? That was a phrase I’d never had used around me before. Was that what we did?
“But now this? When were you going to tell me, Bri?” his eyes were sad and pleading for me to tell him I that it was all a cruel joke. The drugs were beginning to make him antsy.
“I can’t do this right now.” I muttered
“Well you’re going to have to.” he growled. “Why? Just tell me why, please.” he begged. Gerard was high and I was afraid of what Josh was going to do, and my mother was disappointed and that was when I remembered the cuts on Gerard’s arms. What was Gerard going to do?
He turned, stalking back inside. I followed him, afraid of him and his drugs.
“Go away, Bri.” he kept his back to me.
“Gerard, no. Not until you calm down and come back.” tears stung my eyes and my throat burned.
“I’m sorry, but I’m finding it a little hard to stay here and listen to anything that you have to say to me right now.” he paused and looked pointedly at me, “Or not say.” he was hurt by my lie, and I didn’t blame him. Then he walked into his house and downstairs to his blue pills. He took a handful and washed it all down with a flat, warm beer.
I finally started to cry. “Gerard stop.” I beseeched him.
He looked up at me then at the floor before swallowing the pills. “Never again. Never. Again.” he tried to walk out of the room and I stopped him. “Let me out.” he snarled
“Not until you calm down and start making sense.”
“Me make sense? You lied, Sugar. None of this even made sense to begin with! Now I have to question why you were even here in the first place? Was this a joke? A drunken pity fuck? Oh poor Gerard. The fat awkward kid who nobody likes. Well you know what? Fuck you! Fuck you and fuck your lies and fuck your boyfriend, which I’m sure you just totally do all the time. Now let me go I have to go to the studio.”
What was I supposed to do? I was shocked into silence. What could I do? I did the only thing I knew how to do, and that was to keep crying. I stood there sniffling and it had no effect. I didn’t expect it to. Without touching me, he walked out of the room and stormed upstairs to leave. I stood there like a fucking moron crying to myself and wiping my nose on his shirt when he came back in muttering angrily to himself. He picked up a pen and a notebook that said LYRICS on it, opened it to a fresh page before looking at me, muttering something and then writing furiously as he exited the house once more. Over his shoulder he snapped, “Call me when you get there if you can get away from Josh.” he spit out the name like poison. I bit my bottom lip and watched him pull out of the driveway through the tiny window.

———————-

Exhausted, I walked into the apartment. It took me three hours to get back into the city. Officers checked me and my car for bombs or any other terrorist devices. One of the policemen asked me if I was alright and almost sent me into another fit of hysterics. I tried calling Josh, but my cell phone still had no service.
“I called your mother and David last night to try and see if you were alright.”
I jumped fifty feet out of my skin. I hadn’t seen him sitting on the loveseat across from the door.
“I’m young, but I’m not stupid.” Josh said. Oh God he knew. That was when he took full notice of me. “You look awful, what happened?” he said, disgusted. I went over and embraced him, but only received an unsympathetic hand on my shoulder. Josh abruptly pulled back. “You smell like men’s cologne and cheap vodka.” I froze. “Did you spend the night in a bar? And whose shirt is that?” I swore he was making fun of me, but I looked at his face and he was completely serious. I was finding, once more, my religion. God was pulling through for me that morning.
“The bartender’s. I puked on mine, and he felt bad for me.”
He took an extra step back, as if I would vomit on him at any moment. “Well, you look terrible.”
I stared at my shoes, and didn’t say anything. I deserved everything I’d gotten from both men that day. “I’m sorry, Josh.” I said through a new batch of tears.
He scoffed, “Oh Christ. Stop crying and go shower. You shouldn’t have lied to me.” For a twenty year old, he was scary when he was mad. I thought he was going to hit me. I quickly left the room.

Afterwards, I got in the shower and turned the water on the hottest setting. I was so scared. The water scalded my skin, but I didn’t care. I wanted the scorching water to peel off my outer layers of skin and let them fall down the drain, just like a childhood nightmare. I sat under the running water for about an hour until all the night magic had been washed away.

I put on some P.J.’s and did something I hadn’t done since high school. I sat down at the piano and pounded away angrily for hours. Ten sore fingers and three broken nails later Josh finally came up to me and asked what was wrong.
“I don’t know.” I lied yet again.
“Baby, I’m sorry. You just freaked me out was all” he said before his face brightened. “I’m going to get Chinese for dinner, you want any?”
I asked for some wonton soup and as soon as he left a sob wracked my entire body. I was so ashamed. That was when I realized I was alone and darted for the phone before dialing Gerard’s number.
“Hotel California.” a deep female voice answered the phone
“Uhhh, hi? Who is this?” I said through my stuffy nose.
“Who is this?” she said defensively
“Just tell Gerard that K is one the phone.”
I heard some whispering and a “gimme that” before he finally came to the phone.
“Kay?” he said hopefully “I thought you’d never call me back. I’ve been trying to get in touch with you for a week. How come you don’t work for CN anymore?”
He thought I was the girl from work. It hurt. “Uhm, no. Wrong K. It’s Miss Kitka…” I laughed awkwardly at my terrible try at a joke.
“Oh, uhm, hey.”
“I got home safely.”
“I take it Young Josh isn’t there.” he said without emotion.
I ignored him. “You told me to call you remember?” my feelings were hurt.
So he ignored me. “I’m a bit busy at the moment.”
“Gerard do you want this Molly or not?” I heard the female voice call from behind him
Molly? As in E? As in, “Gee? Are you on ecstasy?”
“Don’t. Don’t do that, Bri.”
“Don’t do what?”
“Judge me.”
“I wasn’t judg-” the phone clicked.

For what felt like the billionth time tears pooled behind my eyes. What happened to the sweet and gentle man from the night before.
Drugs, said a vile voice from the back of my mind. Drugs, drinking, cutting. Not a good combination. I remembered Adam, and got scared. Panicky, I picked up the phone to call him back, but Josh walked in the door with our late night dinner.
“I was just about to call you.” I lied, again, putting the phone down. My hands were shaking.
He came over and kissed me, “Well I’m here now.” he smiled. “And I come bearing food!” he stood back and looked at me. “Were you crying?” I could see the annoyance behind his eyes.
“Just the stress of everything that’s been happening. Crazy you know?”
We watched some documentary on PBS before getting drunk and having really bad make-up sex.

————————

“Hey Jack!” I panted to the man behind the desk. I’d just come back from my run. My new anti-skip CD player held out well. “Do I have any mail?” He nodded and tossed me a pile of mail held together with a rubber band. “Thank you!”

I hate elevators. Always have. They’re tiny and cramped and have a nasty habit of stopping before my floor. I had an armful of mail when I felt the elevator break again. “Marvelous.” I knew it would be at least thirty minutes before they got me out, so I set off the alarm and waited. I figured I’d open my mail to give myself something to do. Bills, event invites, more bills, a script to read over, a casting call invite, and a strange flat package. I opened it to find a CD with the mark 14 on it. I almost dropped it. I hadn’t received a song in years. How did this person know where to find me? They even switched over to CD’s. I didn’t care. I ripped open my CD player and took out my Nirvana CD and replaced it with the one I’d just received.

It began with a gorgeous, sad sounding violin, and then Billie Holiday’s smoky voice came in, beginning the song “I’ll Be Around”. The lyrics were wonderful and melancholy.

—-

I’ll be around no matter how you treat me now,
I’ll be around from now on.
Your latest love can never last,
And when it’s past, I’ll be around when she’s gone.

Goodbye again and if you find a love like mine,
Just now and then drop a line
To say you’re feeling fine.
And when things go wrong,
Perhaps you’ll see you’re meant for me,
So, I’ll be around when she’s gone.

Goodbye again, and if you find a love like mine,
Just note and then drop me a line
To say you’re feeling mighty fine
And when things go wrong
Perhaps you’ll see you’re meant for me,
So, I’ll be around when she’s gone

—-

It left me teared up. Who was this person? Who was this person sending me all this beautiful music over the years?

My phone went off. “Of course it works in a broken fucking elevator. Because why not?” I reached down and saw Gerard’s drunken laughing face pop up on the screen. It was a photo I’d taken a few nights prior, the night we slept together. Shakily, I decided to hit IGNORE, sending the call to Voice Mail. I sat there, waiting a while, waiting for the beep that alerted me to a Voice Mail. I never got one.

It went on like that every day for a week. He’d call, I’d ignore. In hindsight? I wish I would have picked up.

————————

Thanksgiving 2001 was held at my mother’s house. By the time Josh and I got away from the city traffic, the sun had set and there was no place left to park in my mother’s tiny driveway. Josh and I had gotten into an argument over my top before we’d left.

“You’re not wearing that.”
“Josh who cares. I’ll wear what I want.”
“I don’t want other men staring at you!” The fact that Josh was younger than I always seemed to make other men feel like they had an in with me. They didn’t, but Josh was still paranoid.
“Don’t be stupid. It’s a family function nobody will be staring at me!”

I opened the car door, but didn’t get out. We could hear laughter coming through the walls, and see silhouettes of people bustling around through the curtains. I turned to Josh. How did I describe my friends? How did I prepare him for them? I knew they’d be there. My mother had told me last week on the phone that the Iero’s and the Way’s would both be there. I was freaking out.

“I’m sure I’ll dazzle them with my charm.” Josh said when I mentioned the phone call a few days earlier.
I almost laughed. You didn’t charm Frank Iero. “I don’t think you understand.”
“I’m sure I will.” he said pointedly.
I groaned inwardly, “Let’s hope so.”

I leaned into the back seat to grab the pumpkin pie I’d made that morning. We walked up to the door and before I could grab my keys out, Josh rang the bell. For some reason his action pissed me off. It was my house, I shouldn’t have had to ring the bell, but at the same time it wasn’t really my house anymore.

“I got it, Mrs. M!” I heard a voice shout that I hadn’t heard in a long time.
When Frank opened the door his tiny frame was almost shaking with excitement at the sight of me. “Oh my SHIT!” he leaped on me and I almost dropped the pie. Josh’s tall frame loomed over us. I didn’t have to look at his face to know he wasn’t happy with this loud display of affection, and I knew I’d hear about it later. “We were beginning to think you’d never get here! And you’re in one piece!” While he was hugging me I noticed he had gotten a rather sizable scorpion tattoo on his upper neck. He held me back at arm’s length, and gave me a once over. Questioning me with his eyes. As if to say, “Are you alright?”
Josh cleared his throat loudly as he stepped forward. Cutting off whatever my answer would have been. “I’m Josh.” he thrust his hand out toward Frank who looked at Josh then at me and then back at Josh before raising a brow and tentatively grabbing Josh’s hand to shake it. I saw Josh squeeze Frankie’s hand, making the smaller man’s face contort in pain.
“Okayyy!” I broke between the two of them. As the night went on things only got worse.

We made our way inside, and Frank took off as quickly as he could in the direction of the kitchen, and in no doubt, in the direction of my mother.
“Josh what’s wrong with you?”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” he said curtly, taking his jacket off and hanging it on a hook by the door. “You going to take your coat off or not?” I had no idea what was wrong with my boyfriend, but I wasn’t liking it.
“Sweetheart?! You’re here!” my mother exclaimed with a wide smile before embracing me. I was still holding the pie, and wearing my coat. “Oh! Honey give me that pie and hand Joshua your coat.” she said taking the pie out of my hands and handing it to a passing cousin with instructions to put it in the kitchen. “Come here, Joshua and give me a hug, dear.” My mother loved Josh. From the second she met him she immediately began hinting that we should get married, and insisted he call her Mom.
“Hey, Mom, it’s great to see you too.” he said smiling, hugging her back warmly. “I can’t wait to see what you’ve cooked for us.” rubbing his hands together he made for the kitchen when I heard a quiet voice behind me that stopped me in my tracks.

“Bri?”
I paused, and by the tightlipped smile on my mother’s face I knew who it was. Before I turned around she looked at me, then quickly at Josh before making a jumbled excuse about setting the table and needing to finish the gravy. I turned.
“Hey.” I forced a small smile. I hadn’t seen or spoken to Gerard since that awful fight and I had no idea what to say to him.
“Welcome back.” he said quietly before taking a sip of the drink he held in his hand. I looked questioningly at it. Unsure if it was a dark beer or apple cider.
“It’s good to be back.” I didn’t know if I should shake his hand or hug him. I opted for the awkward one armed half hug. For a brief second I felt his arm tighten around my shoulders, but it could have been my imagination, because he quickly pulled back and cleared his throat.
“Who’s this?” he gestured to Josh with his drink.
With a charming smile, Josh stepped forward and looked expectantly at me, waiting to be introduced.
I shook my head in apology. “Oh, how rude of me. Yeah. Uhm.” I looked anywhere but at Gerard. “Gerard, this is Josh. My boyfriend.” I almost cringed when I said it, not sure what Gerard’s response would be. To my surprise he smiled pleasantly, “Finally. I get to meet the boy who swept our little girl off her feet.” He didn’t shake Josh’s hand however. He shoved his hand into his pocket. Josh, in his childish naiveté, didn’t take notice. He smiled back even wider.
“Nice to meet you, Gerard. And what are you to Bri? Cousin?”
Gerard smirked into his drink, “Neighbor. Are you old enough to drink alcohol yet?” Gerard asked. A sideways dig at me, because Josh is four years my junior.
Josh looked embarrassed, but didn’t seem to realize Gerard was being a dick. “No, actually. I’m only twenty, but Mom typically doesn’t care.” I felt sickened. This was going to head further south if I didn’t stop it. However, before I got the chance, Gerard reached out and lightly hit Josh on the arm, making him stiffen. “Alright then. Let’s get you hooked up, Bro.” Bro? What the fuck was going on? I wasn’t going to be enlightened because Gerard occupied Josh’s time until my Mother called for dinner to start.

I sat next to Josh and saw his eyes were slightly fiery with drink. Under the table he rested a hand on my knee. It was extremely unlike him. He leaned over to whisper in my ear. “You’re so b-e-a-u-tee-ful.” He was drunk, and I knew I had Gerard to thank for it. I saw Gerard and Frank sitting with their heads together. Neither looked pleased. I wish I knew what they were talking about, but I couldn’t worry about it. I had to focus on Josh.
With a forced smile I moved his hand off my knee and whispered back, “Thanks, Baby. I think you’ve had enough to drink.”
He frowned and hissed, “What are you talking about? I call you beautiful and you tell me I’m drunk?”
I sighed, “I didn’t mean it like that.”
“So it was okay for you to come home all messed up from that bar, but I can’t drink in a family setting?”
“Josh, just stop. I’m not going to argue with you here.”
Luckily, he still had a grasp on his tact and stopped. “Fine.” but I’d hurt his feelings, and I could tell.
I sighed again, “I’m sorry.” and I took his hand. When he looked at me I offered a small smile, making him smile drunkenly back. His cheeks were flushed. I was going to kill Gerard.

In a Catholic household, Thanksgiving did not begin until grace was said. Every year Gerard had been the one to say grace, and when we all took hands he took a breath to begin but my mother cut him off. “Josh? Would you say grace?”
Gerard looked taken aback. I stared at my mother, but she wouldn’t look at me. It was a huge slap in the face. Josh, oblivious, looked pleased, “Of course I would.”
The meal seemed to go well after that. Awkward, but well.

While the women cleaned up, the men all broke out the brandy and got drunk before falling asleep on various pieces of furniture.

After most of the guests had left I found Josh’s tall lanky frame sprawled out sideways, dead asleep like a baby, on the couch. It made me remember when Frank and I were five and we’d lay down on that same couch, head to head, with our round tummies, wishing we’d had more self control with dinner. I felt a soft hand on my arm. “Just stay here, Honey. You can sleep in your old room.” she handed me a blanket with which to cover Josh. I kissed his cheek before brushing a curl out of his face. His curly hair was soft beneath my fingers.
“Where’s Frank?”
She rolled her eyes. “Next door smoking with Gerard.”
I rolled my eyes back at her. She hadn’t forgotten what I’d done and she would let me know at every opportunity. “Where is Jamia? And Mrs. Iero?”
“They are sitting in the dining room. We’re having coffee. Why don’t you join us?” I knew she was trying to keep me from going and talking to the guys.
“Alright, I will in a minute.” I stood up and headed toward the front door where my coat was. I could feel my mother’s gaze burning through my back. I opened the door and was assaulted by cold night air and the smell of Marlboro Light’s.

I walked toward Frank’s house, and when Frank saw me coming, he laughed. “That’s quite the man you’ve landed yourself, Bri.” he said the word man sarcastically. “He is one of the most stuck up snobs I’ve ever met. He is so fucking elitist. He treats you like property. I couldn’t even fucking look at you without him scowling at me.”
I wanted to stick up for Josh, but there was no point. When Frank made up his mind about a person that was it. So I just sighed. Gerard hadn’t said anything.
“Gerard why’d you get him so drunk?”
Gerard smirked. “I didn’t. He had one and a half drinks. The kid can’t hold his cider.”
I shook my head. Then I realized this was the most Gerard had said to me all night.
Frank looked uncomfortable all of a sudden. As if the sight of Gerard and I together made his skin crawl. “I’m going to go in. I’m fucking freezing.” I quickly made the same excuse and headed back to my mother and the other women.

As I lay in my bed that night I thought about Gerard and Josh, but mainly about Frank’s reaction. Did he know? No. There was no way.
At the record release party for their first album, I found out exactly why Frank was so uncomfortable.

———————-

Friday, July 19, 2002

“So, who are these guys?” Josh asked scanning the poster outside The Loop Lounge. “Are these the, uhm, fine gentlemen that I met last Thanksgiving?” he snorted.
“Just some guys I went to school with. And yes. You met two of them at Thanksgiving last year.” I said vaguely, fanning myself. It was dark, but the humid July air was beginning to smother me. I was in a long sleeved shirt. Josh had gotten mad at me the previous day and grabbed my arm, leaving a handprint wrapped around my bicep.
“What kind of name is My Chemical Romance?”
“It comes from an Irvine Welsh novel.” I hissed.
“All I’m saying is look at my record release party and look at theirs. Is this really someplace we belong?”
“Christ, Josh, stop being so snobby. We’re in Passaic not Harlem.” Though, they may as well be the same thing. I grabbed his wrist and pulled, “Come on, let’s go.” I would need to start my alcohol intake early if I was going to get through the evening.