-You‘re a pretty little windstorm.-
I cringed every single time Gerard touched Taylor. Each time she smiled up at him and allowed him to kiss her I felt sick to my stomach. It looked like some grand show, and as soon as her eyes left his… the light went out, and her smile faded. She looked exhausted, and probably was. Gerard was parading her to the entire family, as they were there for the night- along with our parents, who were just completely smitten with Taylor, as I knew they would be.
More so, I felt sick that I couldn’t feel happy for my brother- as he sat smiling, next to a great catch. He had found the perfect girl. I just didn’t think that she was perfect for him, when I felt like she was perfect for me. It wasn’t fair for me to feel like that, and it was a crap brother move but I couldn’t help myself… and I could lie to them, but I couldn’t lie to myself.
Taylor glanced over, “Mikey, are you okay?” She whispered the words, and I was momentarily grateful to see her move away from Gerard even if it was only a few inches. “You’ve been really quiet.”
“I’m craving pizza.” I finally answered, loudly enough for everyone at the table to hear me. I sounded like a spoiled child.
My mother frowned, “Mikey, there is a delicious meal laid out here in front of us. Surely you can find something worth eating at this table.”
I playfully gazed at Taylor, and she blushed bright red.
No one else at the table caught on.
“No. Sorry mom, but I think I’m going to have to head out. I could really use some air… and pizza.” I let my gaze fall away from Taylor, as I committed social suicide in front of my own family. My mother wouldn’t be pleased; I’d never before been rude to her- and I didn’t really mean to be. I just needed to get away from this damn table, and the fucking public displays of affection between Taylor and Gerard.
“Well… okay.” My mom stood, and I did as well- knowing that she wanted a hug. The hug was short and sweet, and I kissed her on the forehead before pulling away. “Drive carefully. I’ll see you tomorrow. Your father and I will probably turn in soon. I know that I’m exhausted.” My father muttered something in agreement.
Taylor stood as well, “You know what? It’s kind of terrible weather out there.” The wind was blowing heavily against the house, splatters of rain hitting the roof and windows. “I’ll go with you.”
Gerard glanced up but said nothing.
I just shrugged, as my parents turned from me to Taylor. The conversation was brief, and Taylor was all smiles. She really was quite incredible.
It wasn’t until we were outside in the howling wind that I decided to talk. “Why?”
“What?” Taylor called, over the loud wind which carried her words far away.
I grabbed on to her arm, “Come in- in the car we can talk.” I yelled.
Taylor just nodded, as I opened the passenger side door for her.
Once we were both inside I fiddled with the heat, buying myself time.
“What’d you ask me out there?” Taylor finally asked, breaking the silence. She was shivering in her dress, since the dinner had been formal.
“Here.” I leaned back, grabbing my hoodie from the backseat. She quickly pulled it over her head and smiled gratefully. She remained silent as she waited for an answer though. “I asked you why. Why’d you decide to come with me?”
“Something is wrong.” Taylor answered softly. “I don’t want you to be sad and alone.”
I looked away, out the window. “You don’t have to pity me.”
“It’s not pity that I’m feeling for you.” Taylor responded quietly. “I want to be your friend, and I don’t want you to hurt. You’re… You’re the first guy that’s ever even tried to be my friend, and I appreciate it. I know I made a mistake and I- I don’t want it to ruin everything. I don’t think I could stand marrying Gerard if I knew it was ruining our friendship.”
I thought over her words, “So you’d leave Gerard for me?”
“I’d leave him.” Taylor whispered, “But not to be with you.”
I got it. I really did. “Do you really love him?”
“I do.” Taylor swallowed hard.
“We were never friends, you know? We were more like whirlwind fuck buddies.” The words were kind of cruel, but completely truthful.
“You’re right.” Taylor responded softly.
“But you want to be my friend now?”
“Is that stupid?” She sounded vulnerable, and it was so odd to my ears.
“No… but it still hurts.” I turned and looked at her.
“Hurts?” Taylor breathed out.
“Every single time I’m with you I’m going to want to be with you in the way that Gerard is. I’m going to carry around that jealousy and hatred, and it hurts. I really like you, but I never really had a chance… did I?”
Taylor didn’t say anything but she didn’t have to.
I started my car without another word.
There really wasn’t much else to say.
“Are you still cold?” Mikey asked, as he parked his car in the parking lot of a local pizzeria.
“No. Did you want your hoodie back?” I began pulling it off but Mikey stopped me by gently placing his hand on my arm.
My breath caught and for a moment we just stared at each other, then Mikey shook his head. “No. I just wanted to make sure that you were warm. It would suck to get sick while celebrating… you know.”
“Are you going to hate me forever?” I blurted out the question.
“Hate you?” Mikey gazed at me for several seconds. “You think that I hate you?”
“That’s stupid.” Mikey rolled his eyes. “Are you really that stupid?”
“I don’t think I’m going to win with this question.” I softly replied, as I looked down at my hands. My cheeks began to turn pink, as my body worked against me displaying my embarrassment. It never happened like this. I hadn’t been embarrassed in years.
Mikey’s fingers brushed against my cheek, causing me to look back up at him again. He looked sad, which made me sad. It was so weird to have your own emotions based on another person’s. I’d never experienced that before, with anyone other than my mother. “I really like you.” Mikey whispered, “And I’d love to be your friend.” With that said he dropped his hand from my face and looked out the window.
I could feel his disappointment, and I raised him with my own self hatred. Overall the mood of the car was explosive, and we were both drowning in my life choices and bad mistakes.
I never should have slept with him.
Now I knew what it felt like to be unable to control how you felt, and the way I felt about him…
It wasn’t something I was familiar with.
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