FicWad

Frank woke up first the next morning and found himself under the thin bed sheets, curled up against Gerard, who still had his arms around him heavily. Frank smiled and leaned on his chest, feeling his heart beating against his cheek and breathing in his strangely reassuring smell of chemicals and cigarettes. His white hair was spread messily across his forehead, his eyelids had a dark brown tint painted over them by lack of sleep or use of substance or both and his pale, cracked, slightly crooked lips were parted as they always were when he slept. His skin was like liquid porcelain stretched over his bones which, Frank noted, became more prominent every day, dark shadows steadily reaching out beneath his cheekbones towards his jaw. Frank ran his fingers along his white cheek and it felt soft against the rough skin on his hands yet unnaturally cold. Gerard winced at the contact and opened his eyes lazily, frowning at Frank with his beautiful hazel eyes, his dark eyelashes curled gently over them. Upon realising it was morning and this was Frank touching his face, Gerard smiled softly and hugged Frank tight with both arms, leaning his chin on his shoulder. “M’sorry…” He mumbled, stroking Frank’s dark hair tenderly.
“No, it’s okay,” Frank said, “It’s not your fault and I love you.”
“It’s all my fault,” Gerard croaked, hugging him tighter, “Everything’s my fault, all this is…” He paused to cough and his eyebrows knitted together, staying that way while he continued to talk. “I shouldn’t’ve, I mean… I wanna stop but I don’t know what to do and it’s not fair on you and I make everything worse for you when things are only bad in the first place because of me and I’m so fucking stupid and I love you still but I don’t tell you or show it and-“
“Gerard,” Frank interrupted him, pulling back to look at his tear stained eyes but keeping his hands on his shaking waist, “Come on,” He whispered then rubbed under Gerard’s eye with his thumb and held the side of his face gently. “If you wanna stop this, all of this, you’ve gotta mean it, okay? I mean, you’ve got to really want to – you have to be sure.” Gerard choked slightly and nodded.
“I’m sure, I’m… I’m sorry, Frankie,” He half-sobbed, tears spilling down his face, “I… I’m so sorry…” Frank nodded and tried to hold back tears himself because he couldn’t /cry/, not when Gerard was like this – he wanted to make him better, not worse – but he didn’t know what to say. So he didn’t say anything, he just hugged him. He hugged him so tightly it almost hurt and he never wanted to let him go because finally he was acting like Gerard, the real Gerard.
“It’ll be okay,” He whispered, knotting his hands in Gerard’s hair and closing his eyes, “I promise.”

~~

“What did they say?”

“Well, they…”

“Tell me what happened to him.”

“Gerard, I really-“

“Tell me!” Gerard shouted, stepping towards the pale, dark haired nurse and staring at her. She couldn’t have been more than twenty-five. “Just… Please.” Tears filled his eyes and he silently pleaded with her to him what he wanted – what he needed - to hear. The nurse nodded and looked into his eyes, genuine sorrow in her own.

“I’m sorry.” She croaked.

Time stopped for a moment.

Ten seconds?

Twenty?

A thousand?

“No,” Gerard almost growled, his face draining until it was suddenly bone white and furious, “You’re not.” The nurse looked at the ground, clearly intimidated and hiding it badly, her hands knitting together nervously.
“They did everything they could,” She whispered, “He had severe head injury and almost went into a coma, there was no-“
“You’re useless!” Gerard screamed, swerving away from her and punching the nearest wall, hard, feeling something snap but not caring. He spun round and walked back over to her, his face uncomfortably close to hers. “You killed my brother,” He rasped, his eyes burning into her, “You killed him, you… He’s dead!” He shouted, grabbing his own hair and whacking his foot against the floor in a toxic mix of rage and devastation, his head spinning and his eyes flashing white.
“Gerard,” Frank said from across the cold waiting room, “Come on, it’s not-“
“Fuck you!” Gerard yelled at him, turning to face him with tears flowing down his cheeks and his hair all over his face, “This is all your fault you piece of shit, you did this, you did this!”
“I didn’t,” Frank pleaded, biting his lip and walking over to Gerard tentatively, “Mikey wanted to-“
“You do not,” Gerard snarled, “Get to say his name.” Frank swallowed.
“This wasn’t anyone’s fault,” He said gently, “Accidents happen Gerard and I’m so sorry, I didn’t want this to happen, of course I didn’t. Come on, just please, calm down, come home, you don’t wanna-”
“I don’t want to what, exactly?” Gerard laughed, “What? No really, you tell me because I have no fucking clue!” He pushed his hair back and laughed again, an eerie cackle that distorted his features and didn’t suit him. “Don’t wanna kill this fucking nurse?” He offered, gesturing towards her, making her flinch and look around the room, which was, however, empty. “Don’t wanna burn this place to the ground…?” His eyes gleamed and he produced a black cigarette lighter from the pocket of his leather jacket, flicking it open before Frank and flashing it in front of his face. “Don’t I, Frankie?” He giggled.
“No, you don’t,” Frank said faux-firmly, “Come on, Gerard…”
“You know,” Gerard mused, playing with the switch on the lighter, “The last thing Mikey said to me, the last thing my baby brother ever said to me…” He looked at Frank. “Was ‘psycho’.” He smiled and looked back to the lighter. “So, really… It’s what he would’ve wanted.” Frank was going to say something in reply – he didn’t know what but something – but with that, Gerard flicked open the lighter, held it against the rough, highly flammable looking row of chairs in the hospital waiting room and walked out, dragging it along the wall behind him, leaving a trail of flames like disease.

~~

"Gerard, wake up" Frank said, shaking his shoulders gently. Gerard woke with a jolt and looked at Frank wide eyed and shocked.
"What?" He slurred through tiredness.
"You fell asleep, you had a nightmare, it's okay though, it wasn't real, don't-"
"Frank, it was real," Gerard said, looking up at him through tears, "I dreamed about the hospital again."
"Gerard..."
"I'm sorry," He whispered, his voice breaking as he looked up at Frank with red eyes, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm..." His voice cracked and faded as he broke down into sobs, Frank's arms around him and guilt flooding his mind. "I'm so sorry."