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Ch 63 I threw it up to keep it all down....



Josh's pov 


Why the fuck am I so goddamn broken?! I don't want to go back to rehab, dimitri is there, and I'd be screwed. 


Matt looks at me, "Josh, you need to eat, babe...you'll feel better...." 


"Hell no Matt!! I feel shitty already!!!" I gasp. 


He looks at me, and kisses me, "I know babe." 


A nurse comes in, and gives me a Popsicle. I just had the oxygen tube removed, and I feel like I could puke. Then, I realise something....Dimitri wouldn't have tried to kill me off if I was skinny!

---

Three days later I do the one thing I swear I would never do again, purging. 

Matt holds my bangs back as I vomit. Tears are falling on the floor. I feel the sensation of my guts rising, as I throw up again. I pull out a marker and write on the floor, "you're fucking pushing me..." Tears are streaming down my face, and Sara walks in. 

"Oh god. Josh, what happened?" 

I wipe some tears away, and look at her. 

"I fucking relapsed...." I whisper. I feel my stomach do sickening flips, as I look into the bowl. I vomit again, and I hear Matt step away. I start crying, and Sara pulls me into a hug. 

"I'm fucking tired of getting sick about it..." I gasp. 

"Shh, it's okay little bro. I'm right here..." She whispers. 

Sara lets me cry for the next three fucking hours. My blackberry chimes, and I look at the screen, 3 missed calls. Fuck. I crawl out of Sara's arms, and sit against the bathtub, then I pale, and my blue-grey eyes widen. 

"Josh? What's wrong?" She asks worriedly. 

"Take me to the hospital, I think I'm really sick!" I moan. 

"Lemme see the phone," she says. 

I hand her the blackberry, and she looks at me. 

"It's Dimitri, he's been calling for the last three hours." 

I look at her, pleading with my eyes. My stomach churns, as I throw up on myself. 

She lifts me off the cold floor, and gives me a new set of clothes. I change and look at my reflection. 

I'm half the man I want to be...

--

I get out of the puke clothes, and put a shirt, and jeans on. Sara helps me to the car, and Matt is in the front seat. 

The drive is horrible, I'm shaking, and vomiting in the backseat. I feel the car, and my stomach, swerve. I have tears running down my face, and I am gripping the trashcan. 

Matt looks back at me, "you okay?" 

I stare at him, knowing if I answer, I would throw up. I swallow a lump in my throat, feeling dizzy, nauseous, and light headed. 

"Matty, the car is spinning!" I moan, feeling sicker as the drive goes on.  I see the lights move, as my stomach jolts. My eyes are burning. 

"Oh god, I can't see straight! I think I'm gonna hurl!" I moan. Matt turns around, "we're almost there. I know it's gotta be hard..."
I close my eyes, as I feel my stomach knot up. 

"Josh? We're here. Wake up babes." Matt says softly, shaking me awake. 

"Ugh, five more minutes..." I groan. 

I open my eyes, as he smiles. I sit up, regretting it instantly. 
Matt looks at me. Sara comes over with a wheelchair and a nurse, who is trying to get me on my own two feet.
I feel two bodies grab me, as I vomit on the pavement. I sit in the wheelchair, holding a blue bucket, in case I get sick again. They move me down the hallway, as I bring up my lunch.

Dr. Yosemite, who knows me very well comes in.

"Joshua, hello again."

He turns to Matt, "What's wrong with him?"

"He has been getting dizzy spells, and he's been puking a lot. The room also spins whenever he is lying down."

Sara holds my hand as I vomit into the blue basin. My hair is sticking to my face, and I'm feeling like I could be here for a while. I look at Sara. I'm shaking so badly right now, and my stomach won't stop hurting! I hold my stomach, as pains shoot through it. I'm crying now, as the pain is almost making me retch. 

Matt holds onto me, as I start to be violently ill. 

I'm vomiting so much, and I feel like my stomach got ripped up.   Matt strokes my hair, as Sara holds me up. There's puke all over myself, and I think I'm going to have another bout. 

"What's wrong with him?" Matt whispers. 

I feel an iv line being put in, and I'm so nauseous. They set up the drip, and I am slowly relaxing. They grab a long tube, and I pale. 


"It's an endoscope, we need to see if you have an ulcer." 

What the hell is that?! I feel myself become drugged up, as they slide the camera down my esophagus. 

Matt gasps when they get to my stomach, and sure enough, there's an ulcer. 

They slide the tube out, and I feel like I'm going to hurl again. Matt looks at Sara worriedly. I hurl on the sheets, and look at the chunks of whatever I ate last week.  
The room spins, as I gag again. Matt grabs the bucket, as I upchuck. The nurses grab a syringe, and shoot something in my iv line. 

I close my eyes as I am feeling like I'm seasick, even though I'm not on a boat. Matt grabs my bangs as I sit up and puke. Another nurse grabs a flashlight and looks at my eyes. 

"It's vertigo." She says. 

"What is that?" Matt asks. 

"His inner ear is messed up, and that controls balance. The dizzy spells are most likely coming from that." 

I look at them. 

"The room is spinning...I think I'm going to be sick!" I moan. 

Matt holds the bucket, "can't we do anything to help him? I'm scared, he has two infants at his house!" 

"Matt, don't...cry....I'm fine...." I say, as I feel like the room is a fucking merry go round. 

He wipes away tears. 

"We can give him medicine, and send him to a balance specialist."

"How long do we have to wait?" 

"If he holds food down, we can give him some meds. If not, we will have an iv bag of fluids for him." 

I feel like its a goddamn nightmare. Matt looks at me. 

"Do you want to try food?" 

"I guess...." 

He looks at the nurse, as she grabs some toast from the next room. 

I feel my appetite disappear, as I look at the toast. Matt looks at me. 

"What's wrong?" 

"Nothing..." 

I bite into the toast, and my face pales. Matt grabs me and has me sit up. He looks at my face, waiting for an answer. I close my eyes, and pull off my hoodie. Matt gasps. 

"Josh, you have more cuts!"

"I'm sorry..." I whisper. 

"And Sara told me you're purging again. Please don't get back on heroin. I love you, but why would you do this all over again? I don't get it." 

"I dunno, I just think people would have treated me differently if I wasn't fat, or pregnant. Dimitri wouldn't have r---" I stop, as I feel the memories come back.

"What did he do to you?" 

"I can't tell you, I'm sorry." 

I feel tears in my eyes.

I don't want to recall that awful night, ever.