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Once Gerard had dried off Ayasha's body she took the towel from him. “Your turn.”

He sighed as she began to rub his body vigorously. “I hate that I can’t feel if my body is wet or dry, hot or cold.”

She finished drying him then spoke. “Let’s snuggle a bit before we start our day.”

Her sweetness touched his heart. “Uh, I think we’ve already started our day off pretty damn good but yeah, snuggling sounds like a plan.”

Ayasha took his hand leading him out of the bathroom to the sofa. She knew what he’d revealed to her was something they needed to discuss, something that was troubling him. Once on the sofa Gerard pulled her onto his lap. She wrapped her arms around him laying her head against his chest.

“This is nice.” He whispered caressing her back.

“Gee?”

“Yeah?”

She tried to word what she wanted to say carefully. “I’m confused.”

He knew why. “Maybe now you can understand some of my anger at that woman. Shit, saying we made love? Fuck, that didn’t happen. But maybe I really should be thankful. She’s lying but hey, at least she’s not telling the world how pathetic I was trying to fuck her but not being able to.”

Ayasha raised her head to look into his eyes. “What really happened?”

Anger was his first response. “Why the fuck do you want to know? Isn’t it enough you get that I couldn’t fuck her? Shit, I haven’t been able to get hard for a long time.”

She knew his anger wasn’t really directed at her. “I’m sure the drugs and alcohol played a big part in that.”

“Fuck yeah they did. The more I used and drank the worse it got. And the worse it got the more I drank and used. Vicious cycle.” He shook his head suddenly wanting to tell her the truth so she’d understand his pain. “That last night I was so pissed at everyone. I’d fought with the guys at the recording studio so I went to that bar filled with anger. When she came on to me I just wanted to let that anger out. I wanted to feel something else. When I went into that bathroom with her she tried to suck me off but it didn’t work.” Hatred for those memories pushed him to continue. “I sat on that stool my pants around my legs as she tried to get me hard. I watched her take me in her mouth…” He snapped his mouth shut. “Shit, I’m sorry.” He whispered seeing what he believe was disgust in Ayasha’s eyes.

“Please, tell me.” In her mind she believed that something that happened the night he’d overdosed had the catalyst that had brought him to this place.

He shook his head. “Why would you want to hear this?”

“I believe you need to speak about it.” She answered slowly.

He still resisted. “After what just happened between us talking about it makes me feel so dirty.” He whispered as he stroked her wet hair. “When I saw you on your knees…that was beautiful. I don’t want to think about what happened with her.”

“Gee, I think something that happened that night is important. I think that maybe something happened you need to remember.”

He gave her a surprised look. “I can’t really think what. Ayasha, I’d been down that destructive path a long time. That night was no different.”

“Why did you agree to go to her place?”

He tired to hide his anger at the fact she wouldn’t let this go. “Because she just laughed and told me she could get me off if we went to her place. She pretended to believe that I just couldn’t get hard because we were in a public restroom.”

“And you wanted to believe that was why too?”

“I knew that wasn’t why.” He said looking away. “I hadn’t been able to perform since my marriage had started to fall apart.”

Ayasha sat up. “Perform? That’s a strange way to say it.”

She was pushing him. “Well fuck yeah, perform. My dick wouldn’t perform anymore.” Anger washed over him. “It would just lay there limp.”

Ayasha knew he was angry but she believe he needed to release these feeling and emotions. “So you wanted to believe if you went to her place you’d be able to perform for her.”

“Why the fuck are you making me do this? I don’t want to fuckin’ remember that night.”

“What happened when you got to her place?”

He realized she wasn’t going to let this go. “Fine.” He pushed her off his lap. “We got to her place and the first thing she did was give me some pills. And before you ask I have no idea what they were and I didn’t care. Then she gave me a whisky and told me to enjoy it while she changed into something more comfortable. How fuckin’ cliché was that?”

Ayasha wrapped her arms around herself waiting for him to continue.

Gerard was staring straight ahead unable to look at Ayasha as the memory filled his mind. “I downed the drink in two gulps while I waited. A few minutes later she showed up wearing some fuckin’ skimpy leather outfit. Guess she thought the visual would excite me. I just thought she looked like a whore.” He didn’t see Ayasha flinch as he continued. “She fixed me another drink then she put on some music and started to grind in front of me. I drank the drink much more interested in the alcohol then her. When I was done I sat back and closed my eyes. Next thing I knew she was pulling me towards her bedroom. At this point I just wanted another drink.” Again he stopped. “I can’t do this. I don’t want to remember.”

Her voice was gentle. “I think in a way you do. I think in a way you know you need to remember this.”

“You’re wrong.” He said shaking his head. “Nothing happened that night that was any different from all the other nights.”

Ayasha remained silent watching his face, knowing he was struggling with his thoughts and memories.

When he spoke again his voice was filled with anger. “The bedroom was fuckin’ ridiculous. Looked like a set out of a bad porn flick. For fucks sake she had a round bed with a velvet spread, mirrors on the ceiling. I was so pissed, I knew I should feel something. I crawled up on the bed and she straddled me. I was trying so fuckin’ hard to get excited. She pulled off my clothes then tied me to the bed. I just layed there like a fuckin’ corpse. In the mirror over the bed I could see she’d opened the drawer beside the bed and was taking out shit.”At this point he paused but now the floodgates were open he couldn’t stop. “She tried to get me hard with her mouth again when that didn’t work she oiled up her hands and tried again. Fuck I just wanted it to be over. I told her to untie me that I had an idea. She did then stood back with a dildo in her hands.” He closed his eyes as the memory came at him full force. “She said she was gonna ram it up my ass, that she knew that’s what I wanted.”

Ayasha’s eyes grew wide but Gerard didn’t see. He purposely kept his eyes shut.

“She fuckin’ thought I was a fag.” He took a deep breath. “Fuck, I hate that word. Why did I just say it?”

“Anger.” Ayasha whispered.

“Yeah, fuckin’ anger.” He opened his eyes. “I’m full of it now, I was full of it then. I ain’t gay just a man who couldn’t get it up. I remember I just wanted to get the fuck out of there. So I took it from her hands pushed her back on the bed and fucked her with it. I fucked her hard until she screamed my name. At least I could still do that. I threw my clothes back on then I went into her bathroom. I found the pills in her medicine cabinet. Fuck, I’m not even sure what they were but since they were prescription I figured they’d be good. I stuck them in my pocket and went back out. She was waiting for me. Started telling me how good I’d fucked her. Lying bitch.”

“How did you get home?”

He stated at her. “Drove. Yeah, I was fuckin’ wasted but I didn’t care.” Suddenly his head dropped. “I could have fuckin’ killed someone driving like that but I didn’t care. I didn’t give a shit about anything.” He leaned his head back then closed his eyes.

Slowly Ayasha crawled back into his lap. “Gee, look at me.” When his eyes opened she spoke. “You’re right that night you didn’t care about anyone or anything. Anger and pain had taken over your mind making you blind and numb. It wasn’t just the drugs and alcohol. You’d given up.”

He blinked several times. “I just wanted it all to stop.”

“You wanted it all to stop.” She repeated slowly.

Hearing her say it made him shake his head. “I didn’t want to die. That’s not what I’m saying but I wanted all the shit to stop. That’s what I mean.”

Ayasha laid her head back down on his chest. “Gee, the man you’d become wasn’t you and you knew that. You hated that man but felt unable to make him stop the things he was doing.”

Gerard leaned his chin against the top of her head. “The worse I felt the more I became him. Does that make sense?”

“Oh yes.” She whispered. “I completely understand what it’s like to hate yourself. The more the hate grows the more you want it. You feel you deserve it.”

For several minutes they sat in silence.

Finally Gerard spoke. “I fuckin’ hate I told you about this shit.”

She lifted her head to look into his eyes. “I don’t. You shared your pain with me, it’s what I wanted. You keep telling me there is nothing in my past that can change the way you feel about me. Well there is nothing in your past that can change the way I feel towards you. We’ve both been through hells of our own making.”

He brushed her lips with his then leaned back. “It was because I love you.”

Ayasha smiled understanding his words. “It was because I needed to understand that sex becomes so much more when there is love.” She forced herself to continue. “That’s why I got on my knees in the shower. Something I’d always felt was dirty and wrong became something beautiful.”

“It was beautiful.” He whispered.

She sighed, “I just wish you could have physically felt it.”

His smile was pure. “I felt it in my heart, Ayasha. I needed that more than the physical feeling. You give me what I need, what I crave. What I didn’t believe I’d ever feel again. But more than anything you give me hope.”

___________
LA
____________

Don arrived at the hospital just after the doctor had been in to talk to Donna and Mikey.

“They ain’t moving him today.” Mikey said looking up.

Don immediately knew something was wrong. “What happened?”

“They aren’t sure. His heart has been beating erratically and that caused his blood pressure to soar. They ran some tests but so far they’ve found nothing conclusive.”

“They think there is something wrong with his heart?” Don asked as he sat down next to his youngest son.

It was Donna who answered. “They don’t know.” She tried to hold on to hope. “He’s showing much more brain activity so that could be the cause. But as a precaution they don’t want to move him yet.”

“Has it happened more than once?”

She nodded, “First time it happened last night. Then this morning while they were running the tests it happened again.”

Don thought a moment. “But it could be because of the brain activity being stronger?”

Mikey nodded. “Yeah, so in a way it could be good. The more brain activity the better the chance he’ll come out of the coma.”

Mikey’s phone beeped. He glanced down at the screen then stood. “I gotta take this.” Walking out into the hall he made his way out of the hospital to the parking lot. There he called the number that had appeared on the text.

“Hey Lindsey.” He said tiredly.

“Mikey.” She got right to the point. “How’s he doing? Has there been any change?”

He leaned against the building. “They’re running tests on his heart.”

“His heart? Why?”

Mikey explained the situation then waited.

“Well shit, just shit.” Lindsey sighed. “I’m so sorry Mikey.”

He wasn’t sure how to take her comment. “Sorry?”

Her words were haunted. “I sorta feel like this is partly my fault. I knew Gee was struggling and I’m afraid I only made it worse. That last time we talked I was fuckin’ hard on him.”

“Lindsey it ain’t your fault.” Mikey sighed. “We all knew he was struggling.”

“I couldn’t get past the anger I felt because I thought he was hurting Bandit, you know?”

“I know.” Mikey said softly. “When he canceled his plans to take her to Disneyland…”

“Yeah.” Lindsey said. “I just thought he was blowing her off so he could party.” Her voice was suddenly full of emotion. “I really pray he come out of this. Bandit needs her daddy.”

Mikey wiped his eyes. “Yeah.”

“Donna told me you guys sit with him and talk. Next time you do could you please tell him I’m praying he wakes up?”

He could tell she was crying. “I will.”

“Tell him Bandit loves him.”

“Yeah, I will.” Mikey wiped his eyes again. “I’ll tell him.”

________________________________________________

They had both dressed in their sweat suits and were now getting ready to paint. Gerard stood back to look at his work with a critical eye.

Ayasha glanced over at him. “What are you thinking?”

“Well.” He said slowly. “I’m thinking I want to add more details. This is how the attic looked before our campout.”

She smiled, “Oh.”

He grinned. “Yeah, I need to add to it.”

She nodded then turned her attention to her paining.

Gerard moved over to stand behind her. “That is beautiful.” He said as he studied her work. “Is that from memory?”

“It was my favorite place once.” She said softly looking at the tranquil landscape she’d created. “Grandmother and I went there often.”

“So it’s part of the reservation?”

She nodded.

“What a beautiful place.”

Ayasha sighed, “This area of North Carolina is beautiful.” Suddenly she removed the canvas from the easel.

“What are you doing?”

She moved across the room to grab another blank canvas. “I want to paint something else.”

“Why?” He wanted to understand what she was feeling.

“I just feel…” Her voice trailed off. “Sometimes when I used to paint it helped me release some of my emotions. Do you understand?”

He nodded.

“I know what I want to paint.” She said her voice full of emotion. “It’s something I’ve thought about a long time but couldn’t make myself do until now.”

Gerard saw the haunted look in her eyes. “Okay.” He moved back over to his easel. Several minutes pass with both of them working on their paintings. He couldn’t help but glace over at hers occasionally but as of yet he didn’t understand what she was painting. He’d just started working on adding the mystical fireflies to his painting when he suddenly stopped in mid stroke.

Ayasha looked over sensing something was happening.

Gerard set his paintbrush down then walked over to the nearest chair. There he closed his eyes, his head fell to his chest.

She knew he was hearing voices, she saw the pain cover his features.

When the voices stopped he opened his eyes to see Ayasha kneeling before him. “It was Mikey.” He whispered.

She touched his hand. “What did he say?”

“Lindsey told him to tell me she’s praying I come out of the coma.” He paused his voice raw with emotion, “And that Bandit loves and needs her daddy.”

“Gee, it has to touch your heart that they are praying for you.”

He took a deep breath trying to come to terms with the emotions that were overwhelming him. “I do believe Bandit love me.”

“But you don’t believe Lindsey cares?”

The question shocked him. “I don’t think it makes any real difference to her. I fucked up our marriage so why would she?”

“Is that the truth or just what you’re trying to make yourself believe?”

Again he was shocked by her words. “What?”

“Did you fuck up your marriage or are you just adding more guilt to the way you feel? You told me you and Lindsey loved each other but that love had faded.”

He started to answer but suddenly snapped his mouth shut. The question was valid and made him think. Finally he answered. “We weren’t in love anymore, that was true.”

“So by saying you fucked up your marriage your just adding guilt to the sadness you feel over your marriage ending.”

He nodded. “Yeah.” He whispered. “Saying Linds don’t care was stupid. I’m sure she’s upset.” He looked into Ayasha’s eyes. “You understand me better than I understand myself.”

“Because I understand pain so well." She said sitting back on her heels. “I hurt so badly when Grandmother died, I blamed myself for her death. I wanted to feel something more than just pain because I was so overwhelmed. So I added guilt and then anger. I cursed her for dying and leaving me alone.” She lowered her head. “How stupid was that?”

“Not stupid for a fifteen year old girl who was suddenly alone in the world.” He answered softly. “Not stupid at all.” He watched as she got up then crossed the room to her painting. He could tell by the intensity of her brushstrokes she was releasing pain. He returned to his own paining but instead of releasing pain he realized he was painting something that made him happy, a place that gave him security, love and hope.

It was almost an hour later he set down his brush. “Gonna make you some lunch.” He said turning his attention to her painting. It was then he understood. She was painting a snowy day, an icy road. She was painting the scene of the accident that had caused her mother’s death.

Ayasha was so lost in her work she didn’t hear him.

He made his way into the kitchen and worked on preparing her lunch. He turned from the counter holding the plate when she spoke.

“I didn’t realize you’d left.”

He smiled holding out the grilled cheese sandwich. “Made your lunch.”

Ayasha took it from him then moved to the table. “Thanks.”

He sat down across from her. Looking into the living room at her painting he spoke softly. “Strange how such a beautiful day could be filled with so much pain.”

She knew without looking up from her plate he was talking about her painting. “Mother was so full of hope that day. I can still remember her voice telling me how we were going to have a fresh start.” She took a bite of her sandwich while thinking. “I could never paint that scene before, it was too painful.”

“Why now?” He asked gently turned to look at her.

“I’d blocked it from my mind, just as I’d blocked most of my memories of her.”

“Yet you painted such a beautiful portrait of her.”

For several minutes she ate her lunch in silence. Finally she made herself speak. “The painting of my mother was done several months ago. I truly had blocked all memories of my mother from my mind. But once I’d agreed to marry Kyle I couldn’t stop myself from thinking about her.” This was difficult to discuss but she forced herself to continue. “I guess in a way I was so angry with her. Like grandmother I felt she’d abandoned me through death. But it was more than that. Growing up I’d heard the things people would say about her and stupidly I let those words fester in my brain. Thinking about it now, I understand why I painted it. In a way I felt I’d become my mother. Most of her life she did things not out of love. I knew I was marrying him not for love but for the financial and emotional security I craved. That made me feel almost dirty.” She glanced up at him. “Do you understand?”

Gerard nodded, “Yeah, I do to a degree. I get wanting to marry just for financial security was wrong but Ayasha I understand how badly you wanted emotional security, you wanted to feel loved.”

She shook her head. “True, but deep down I knew he didn’t love me. Even before I heard him talking to his friend, I knew.” She pushed her empty plate away. “So in a way I tried to tell myself I was like my mother. I was just using a man to get what I wanted.”

“Do you still feel that way about your mom?” He asked gently.

She gazed into the living room but this time to the portrait on the wall. “When I painted that I suddenly saw my mother in a different light. Yeah, she did a lot of bad things in her life but I know she loved her mother and she loved me. It was the bad choices she’d made in her life that had turned her ugly. It was the drugs, the alcohol she used to dull the pain that ruined her life.”

“Just like they ruined mine.” Gerard whispered.

Ayasha turned to him. “They were ruining your life, you see that now. But it’s not too late for you.”

“You keep saying that.” He smiled sadly.

“Because I believe it.” She said standing up from the table. She walked towards the living room then stopped. “If it’s okay I just want to lay down and close my eye for a few minutes.” The truth was the emotions she’d been feeling since starting her painting were overwhelming her.

“Sure.” He nodded. “I’ll just take care of the dishes. You gonna lay down in bed?”

“Just on the sofa.” She answered. “I want you to keep painting.” She sat down tiredly then lifted her legs. “Besides I want to be near you.”

He leaned down and kissed her forehead. “Good, cause I want you near.”

When he returned from the kitchen a few minutes later he knew she was sleeping. Gazing down at her he felt a wave of love for this fragile woman who was being so strong for him.

He painted for several minutes but suddenly set his brush down. Moving slowly he crossed the room to her desk and found what he needed. Taking the items he walked over but instead of taking a set he sat down on the floor then leaned against the sofa. He noticed his fingers were shaking as he set the pen against the paper. “Please.” He whispered. When the first word appeared on the paper he gave a sigh of relief. It was hard to find the words his heart needed to speak. He stopped often to wipe the tears from his eyes.

He had just finished sealing the second envelope when she spoke.

“Gee, are you okay?”

He glanced up at her. “Yeah, Have a nice nap?”

Ayasha sat up slowly then noticed the fading light. “Damn, I didn’t want to sleep so long. Why didn’t you wake me?”

He was surprised at how upset she sounded. “I figured you need to sleep.”

“But this was our day.” She said sadly. “I didn’t want to waste one minute of it.”

Rising to his feet he sat down next to her. “Honey, it’s okay. We’re together, that’s all that’s important.”

She noticed the envelopes in his hand. “You wrote letters?”

He smiled, “Yeah, it worked, I can write.” Slowly he extended them to her. “I need you to promise me something.”

She nodded taking the letters from him. The first she saw was addressed to his brother.

“If I die I want you to mail the letter to Mikey.”

Immediately she was upset. “You’re not going to die.”

“Ayasha, listen.” He said softly. “I hope that’s true, but if it’s not, if I die I want this to get to Mikey. That’s his home address.”

“Gee.” She said shaking her head, “How would he feel getting this? I mean it wouldn’t make sense to him.”

“I made it sound like I wrote it before the overdose. I said I’d given it to a friend to keep in case something happened to me, in case I died.” His eyes grew watery. “I don’t want him thinking it was his fault. I told him how much I loved him, how much I loved Ma and Dad and Bandit. And how I want him to tell them for me.”

She looked down at the second letter shocked to see the envelope bore her name.

“That’s for you.” He whispered. “Things I want you to know if …”


“Please don’t say it.” She blinked rapidly.

“Just promise, okay?”

Ayasha took a deep breath trying to control her emotions. “I promise because I know I’ll never have to deal with these. You are not going to die.”

His love for this woman was so strong that he couldn’t tell her the truth, he couldn’t tell her that even though she was near he was beginning to feel weaker each passing day.