FicWad

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Here’s one not-so-fuckin-A thing about the Land of Song and Pestilence. Okay, LOSAP. Happy now, fuckhead?
The only oxygen’s down below in caverns. The monsters like the oxygen. So really, how badly do I want that air? Pretty damned badly, as a matter of fact.
I’ve hollowed out an emerald ogre, and am sitting in it, enjoying the heat radiating from it. I’ve stripped my armor off, clothes too. I’ve washed them and they’re spread out on the rocks to dry.

-Fucking fuck shit hell goddamn it, why can’t you leave me alone, asshole?-
-I’m done with you.-
-Shut up. Back off.-

Pottermore messages me, and drops the Christmas bomb. Like I care. Fuck Christmas. My dad’s not too big on the Christmas. So I shared the only happy memory I had.

My helmet buzzes with a new message. Just great. More Christmas Bullshit. I’d rather blast my music and ignore all of them. Ever get the feeling that everything would be better if they were all dead?

I slide out of my ogre chair, and pop my helmet back on.

[MS Paint Adventures Forum (MSPAF) messaged Youtube (YTB)!]

MSPF: Hey. You there?
YTB: wut up?
MSPF: fuck. Fuck. FUCK!!!
YTB: Hey hey hey whoa there shorty
YTB: u aight?
MSPF: Shit. Shit, honey.
MSPF: It hurts so badly.
MSPF: God, Tumblr, sorry.
YTB: ?

MSPF: Oh. Oops.
MSPF: What timeline am i in again
YTB: wtf
MSPF: listen to me
MSPF: im dying
YTB: HOLY FUCK WHERE ARE YOU I’M SAVING YOU PRONTO.
MSPF: dont fuckin bother.
MSPF: I’m a time player. Fuck.
MSPF: Paradox clones of me die all the time.
YTB: o srry
YTB: is tha eveythin
MSPF: Not. quite.
MSPF: Listen. My session’s not been entirely...
MSPF: What’s the word...
MSPF: Truthful.
MSPF: with yours.

MSPF: we didn’t jjust randomly pick yours
MSPF: for no reason. okay
MSPF: without your session, mine’s toast
MSPF: we can’t move forward in the game without one player from your session.
MSPF: The rest of you can die. That’s alright.
MSPF: But if the one we need dies, then we all die.
MSPF: and I’m the hero. it’s me.
MSPF: so i cant let this happen because i need to protect everyone
MSPF: Fuck ow.

YTB: wait move forward?
MSPF: Yeah. At the end of the game, you get to create your own universe.
MSPF: But you need two specific types.
MSPF: To do that. we don’t got em. weve got one. Fuck, that stings.
YTB: Wut 2?
MSPF: You need a knight. and a space player.
YTB: wait i dont rmember theis shit
MSPF: CHECK CHAPTER SIXTEEN, MORON!

MSPF: weve got the space player
MSPF: Tumblr’s the Thief of Space but we’ve got no knight.
MSPF: you guys do.
YTB: so basically u guiz only buddyed up bcuz weve got a player u need
MSPF: Aren’t you quick.

MSPF: And get ready.
MSPF: Because she’s coming for you.
MSPF: For all of you.
MSPF: And you think it’s boring now, but you’re all gonna die.
MSPF: You think it’s boring. Don’t deny it.
MSPF: The you in this timeline told me so.
MSPF: So don’t worry. It’ll pick up a bit after three in the morning.
MSPF: You’re all gonna bleed out.
MSPF: You’re all gonna die, slowly. You’re gonna wonder how you could’ve been bored with each other. None of you appreciate what you have.

I’ve curled into myself, helmet on, watching the messages scrolling steadily upwards. I feel sick. The kind of sick you get when you starve yourself. The lightheaded sick. The sick where you feel empty.

MSPF: In the timeline im in right now?
MSPF: I fucked up. Again.

MSPF: I’m the only one left alive.
MSPF: You’re dead. HSG’s Dead. DA’s Dead.
MSPF: FFN’s Dead. Shit, man, even the little girl’s dead.
MSPF: Little girl Ficwad. She died last.
MSPF: She crawled over to her cousin and held his hand, even though he was long gone. Didn’t want to die alone.

MSPF: and i’m dying too.
YTB: ur scaring me
MSPF: GOOOD! VERRY GOOD!
MSPF: Get scared! Prepare yourself! Please! PLEASE!
MSPF: please.
MSPF: i cant watch any more of you guys die.
MSPF: I can’t keep doing this.
MSPF: I’m trying not to screw up. I can’t keep doing this anymore.

MSPF: im not even sure whats real.
YTB: ur here. with me. um its okay and stuff
MSPF: im supposed to be the hero
YTB: u r the hero.
YTB: hello?
YTB: hloy shit.

I rip my helmet off. Sweat’s pocked up along my spine, and the voices are back, harder than ever. He’s dead. Oh My God. Fuck! He’s dead. Shit. Shit. Shit. He’s dead. I’m in over my head.
I wonder who he needed? Was it me?

My helmet buzzes, and I slide it back on.
[MS Paint Adventure Forums (MSPAF) messaged Youtube (YTB)!]

MSPF: hey sexy! :B
MSPF: Listen Up!
MSPF: 1’M F4STR4CK1NG YOU L1K3 TH3R3’S NO TOMORROW! >:]
YTB: um.
YTB: u just messaged me
MSPF: Haha what no I didn’t!
MSPF: God, must’ve been HSG trolling you. Oh, him!
YTB: u died...
MSPF: Again? Man, I suck at this!
YTB: u said I died too.
MSPF: Yeah, well...I’ve seen everybody die and infinite amount of times. because im a time player and it’s what I do.
YTB: u also said that u needed a player in my session to proceed
YTB: dat true? ???????

MSPF: Um. Um. Um.
YTB: IS IT TRUE. OR FUCKING NOT.
MSPF: yeah. it’s true. dont be mad at me.
YTB: who is it?
MSPF: i cant tell you!!!!!!
MSPF: IT WOULD LITERALLY KILL EVERYONE.
YTB: okaz who ISTN it??
MSPF: clever little thing.
MSPF: It’s not you. Unfortunately.
YTB: WHAT AM I TELL ME AHHHHHH
MSPF: calm down!
MSPF: yoU are....
MSPF: THE BARD OF MIND!!!

YTB: wait. can’t only guys be bards twf
MSPF: ...
MSPF: But...BARD OF MIND!
MSPF: YOU GET TO BRING DESTRUCTION USING YOUR MIND.
YTB: hopy shit kiddo

MSPF: but in all seriouznizzit
YTB: please god never say that again
MSPF: There’s a massive blackout coming up. I can’t time travel past it.
YTB: so it’s a big deal?
MSPF: IT’S A SUPER MASSIVE BLACK HOLE ON MY PRECIOUS TIMELINE.
MSPF: YES. IT’S KIND OF A BIG DEAL.
YTB: so wut?
MSPF: warn your team. they need to be prepared!
YTB: lol okay.
MSPF: do it now!

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Back in Deep Space, The Author notices that Youtube does not warn her team about the coming blackout. She merely keeps moving from oxygen-filled cavern to oxygen-filled cavern, chatting with MS Paint Adventure Forums. As the Heir of Time, he’s reset both his and her timelines multiple times to try to protect as many people as possible. On the first wall to her left, Ficwad curls up in the shade of a tree and goes to sleep. On the third wall, Fanfiction.net is slaying monsters while trying to sext HSG. Neither pursuit is going well.
Behind her, on the second wall, Pottermore is debating messaging Youtube to tell her about his feelings. Youtube’s on the fourth wall. She begins to bond with MSPAF, who tells her stories of his daring time-traveling expeditions, battling all sorts of creatures to bring peace back into the world. He forgets his spot multiple times, but she doesn’t get cross. She merely reminds him of what happened last. He tells her it’s hard to remember stuff from all the timelines he’s been in-he doesn’t remember which he’s in now, even! That makes her laugh. She tells him about her dad. About her friends, about being Albino and the boomerang cuts. They form references. Inside jokes.
Behind The Author, on the second wall, Pottermore taps out a quick ‘Hey, I love you’ to Youtube, but erases it just as quickly.

Eventually, MSPAF sends out the message to Youtube that will make everything complicated later.

MSPF: Hey, you know I wear glasses, right?
YTB: o rely?
YTB: i kinda like boys who wear glasses.
YTB: :D