Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > Stones Of Words.
Expression
Frank’s POV
Gerard had taken me down to Starbucks again this morning, the same as yesterday, sitting in the same booth with the same drinks, we silently sipped on our warm beverages and glanced around at seemingly random things, my mind drifting until Gerard cleared his throat “So…I was thinking, today for our little ‘session’ we could talk about expression…” he stated casually, I raised an eyebrow “Expression?” I questioned quietly, although I was now talking again, it was only to Gerard and still it was only very quietly but Gerard didn’t pressure me into talking to other people or speaking up, he let me go at my own pace rather than all the shrinks back in LA who seemed to think it was ‘Their way or the high way’ Gerard nodded and took a long gulp of his steamy coffee and looked back to me “Yes, you have a lot of emotions all closed up inside you and it’s not healthy, I’m sure you’ve probably heard all this before…” he said, I nodded and he continued “you need to find a way of letting it out, getting it all out of your system, a way that doesn’t involve hurting anyone or yourself, do you understand?” he asked, I nodded shyly and he stood up “I think this is something that will work better at home…” he stated nodding his head toward the door, I grabbed my Starbucks cup and followed him out of the store, Lindsey waving Gerard goodbye before the door closed behind us, letting the cool wind hit our warm faces and we made our way back to the Way household.
We got back and the house seemed to be empty I looked over to Gerard who was taking his coat off in the hallway “Where is everyone?” I asked, Gerard placed his coat on the coat rack and faced me leaning on the wall “Mikey has gone to our friend Ray’s house to discuss band issues and Mom is either at work or she’s shopping, either way she won’t be back for hours.” He stated, I tilted my head “Band issues?” I questioned, Gerard straightened up “Yeah, me and Mikey along with some of our friends were in a band together, it didn’t last long but, we’re thinking about trying again, but speaking of the band, I want to show you something…” Gerard started to walk toward the stairs but instead of going up, he went down toward the basement, I followed him cautiously and entered the room when he held the door open for me, I looked around in astonishment inside the basement were a variety of instruments, a drum kit, a bass, several guitars, some microphones and a small piano, along with amplifiers and speakers dotted around, the room was practically built as a studio minus the recording equipment, I turned to Gerard “How did you do all of this?” I asked, Gerard simply shrugged “Me and the guys put our money together after long summer of all work no play a few years ago when we first formed a band…the bass is Mikey’s, the drums are Bob’s, the guitars you can see there are Ray’s and the microphones, well they were for me but I don’t own them and mom paid for soundproofing so, no one could hear us when we played…” he finished, I looked at him “Why show me this Gerard?” I questioned he smiled at me “I told you, you need a way of letting out you emotions, music is how you can do that, you’re an amazing guitarist Frank and I can guarantee an even better one when you put emotion into it…” he stated gesturing with his hands, I looked to the floor “I don’t know Gerard, I mean I used to write songs and play around with the guitar a little but I’ve never really played properly since it happened…” I sighed, I felt a hand fall onto my shoulder and for the first time in a long time, I didn’t move away, Looked up into Gerard’s comforting gaze “How good you play doesn’t matter to me, it’s how you let out your emotions, and writing songs and playing music it’s a good way of doing that, writing songs is what I do too, along with drawing, I mean that was the best part about being in the band, I could let out my emotions and no one knew the difference, they just thought it was a song I’d made up, no one looked deep enough into the lyrics to realise what it all really meant…” he trailed off and hesitated in silence before taking his hand from my shoulder and sighing “Look I’ll leave you here for a while, set up what you want, if you need me I’ll be upstairs…” he turned to leave but just before he left I grabbed his wrist, he turned and looked at me wide eyed “Stay…I-I want you to listen…” he faced me properly and my hand fell back to my side, my eyes fixated onto the floor “Frank are you sure?” he questioned, I nodded in response “even if I do this alone, those feelings will still just be with me, and no one else, I know you won’t judge me and you’ll understand...” I trailed off, my eyes moved from the floor to Gerard and he nodded slowly “Okay…” he said quietly, I nodded and walked toward the guitar, but changed my mind, I wanted Gerard to know exactly how I felt, so instead I set up a microphone, I wasn’t much of a singer but it’s the best way of expressing my feelings so it’s what I did, I have written a few songs after the attack but, I’ve never played them, I’ve memorised them and they have never been changed, because that’s how I felt in that exact moment, I adjusted the mic stand so it was at the right height and glanced at Gerard who was standing at the other side of the room now with a cigarette in his hand, I hesitated before I sat at the piano, I closed my eyes to try and block out everything around me and I began to play the first notes, of the song I never thought I’d play…
“Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
I'm tired and I
Want to go to bed
Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
And then leave me alone
Don't try to wake me in the morning
'Cause I will be gone
Don't feel bad for me
I want you to know
Deep in the cell of my heart
I will feel so glad to go
Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
I don't want to wake up
On my own anymore
Sing to me, Sing to me
Sing to me
I don't want to wake up
On my own anymore
Don't feel bad for me
I want you to know
Deep in the cell of my heart
I really want to go
Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
There is another world
There is a better world
Well, there must be
there must be
There is another world
There is a better world”
I stayed where I was sitting silently at the piano, staring at the black and white keys, and I watched as the first of many tears fell from my cheek onto the keys, my vision now blurred, I didn’t know where to go from here, what to do, I’d just bared my soul to someone I barely knew, yet at the same time I’d just admitted it to my best friend…to my only friend. I heard Gerard’s footsteps from across the room, slowly they got louder and when they stopped I felt a gentle hand fall onto my shoulder and weight fell next to me on the stool “Frankie…” Gerard whispered, I looked at him with tear filled eyes and he looked at me “don’t” I muttered, I wiped the tears away using my shirt “Frank, I…” he continued, I glared at him “I said don’t Gerard. I don’t want your sympathy, I did that so you’d know how I feel, I’ve never admitted that to anyone, the last thing I want is for you to feel sorry for me because I’m pathetic.” I felt Gerard’s hand slide from my shoulder, the space where his hand was felt bare, Gerard sighed “Frank, look at me…” I didn’t move and Gerard placed his hand under my jaw and turned my head to face him “Look and listen.” I stared into his eyes and tried to hold back my tears “You are not pathetic, for you to have been through everything you have, for you to admit to me how you feel, for you to open up, for you to tell the truth, is the bravest thing I’ve ever seen in any person…” he whispered I looked away but Gerard’s hand forced my face back to face him “You’re amazing Frank…” he stated, he stood up and moved his hand to the back of my neck before kissing my head softly and leaving the room and heading back upstairs, when the door closed, I stared at it, I stayed seated on the stool as I had been for the past fifteen minutes not doing anything, I sat there and burst into a flood of tears, my childish sobs couldn’t be heard in the rooms above me and for that I was grateful if Gerard saw me cry like this, he’d think I’m a lost cause, nothing worth caring about, but I’d never felt so cared as I do with Gerard not since the attack anyway, I don’t really understand why, maybe it’s the fact we were childhood friends I don’t know but for some reason his company just seems to numb the pain, although we talk about it, and he tries to help me move on and let go, for some reason, I just don’t feel as damaged, but the minute he leaves my side a world of pain and loneliness comes crashing back into my life and I don’t know what to do.
Gerard’s POV
Most people would probably say I was wrong to leave Frank in there alone, but I know he needs to be alone right now, he needs to remember what it’s like to be in a room by himself or be walking down the street by himself, he can’t have someone with him all the time, that’s just unrealistic as much as I want to be in there comforting him and telling him ‘it’s okay’ I’m not because sometimes it won’t be okay, but I’m not psychic it could go either way, and I’m not risking lying to him because it will just break every barrier of trust I’ve managed to build with him even if it is a minuscule amount, he has more trust in me than anybody else, and I’ll never jeopardise that trust, that small bond we have, because in the end that is what’s going to get him through this and the time alone will help him cope mentally, help him begin to control his feelings and thoughts and fears, some things he has to work out himself and he has to realise that I can’t fix him because he’s not broken as much as he seems to think so, he’s damaged yes but not broken there’s a difference a small difference but still it’s there and I can see that, I just need him to know that damage is something minor that doesn’t matter in the long run as long as he is still functional, he’ll never be broken.
and that’s what I’m doing, I’m giving him time to understand, to take in what I show him and then to apply himself, alone because one day he will have to go back to California to live with his mother and continue with the life he left there and he will have to face things alone
But right now this is his recovery and I am his doctor.
Frank’s POV
Gerard had taken me down to Starbucks again this morning, the same as yesterday, sitting in the same booth with the same drinks, we silently sipped on our warm beverages and glanced around at seemingly random things, my mind drifting until Gerard cleared his throat “So…I was thinking, today for our little ‘session’ we could talk about expression…” he stated casually, I raised an eyebrow “Expression?” I questioned quietly, although I was now talking again, it was only to Gerard and still it was only very quietly but Gerard didn’t pressure me into talking to other people or speaking up, he let me go at my own pace rather than all the shrinks back in LA who seemed to think it was ‘Their way or the high way’ Gerard nodded and took a long gulp of his steamy coffee and looked back to me “Yes, you have a lot of emotions all closed up inside you and it’s not healthy, I’m sure you’ve probably heard all this before…” he said, I nodded and he continued “you need to find a way of letting it out, getting it all out of your system, a way that doesn’t involve hurting anyone or yourself, do you understand?” he asked, I nodded shyly and he stood up “I think this is something that will work better at home…” he stated nodding his head toward the door, I grabbed my Starbucks cup and followed him out of the store, Lindsey waving Gerard goodbye before the door closed behind us, letting the cool wind hit our warm faces and we made our way back to the Way household.
We got back and the house seemed to be empty I looked over to Gerard who was taking his coat off in the hallway “Where is everyone?” I asked, Gerard placed his coat on the coat rack and faced me leaning on the wall “Mikey has gone to our friend Ray’s house to discuss band issues and Mom is either at work or she’s shopping, either way she won’t be back for hours.” He stated, I tilted my head “Band issues?” I questioned, Gerard straightened up “Yeah, me and Mikey along with some of our friends were in a band together, it didn’t last long but, we’re thinking about trying again, but speaking of the band, I want to show you something…” Gerard started to walk toward the stairs but instead of going up, he went down toward the basement, I followed him cautiously and entered the room when he held the door open for me, I looked around in astonishment inside the basement were a variety of instruments, a drum kit, a bass, several guitars, some microphones and a small piano, along with amplifiers and speakers dotted around, the room was practically built as a studio minus the recording equipment, I turned to Gerard “How did you do all of this?” I asked, Gerard simply shrugged “Me and the guys put our money together after long summer of all work no play a few years ago when we first formed a band…the bass is Mikey’s, the drums are Bob’s, the guitars you can see there are Ray’s and the microphones, well they were for me but I don’t own them and mom paid for soundproofing so, no one could hear us when we played…” he finished, I looked at him “Why show me this Gerard?” I questioned he smiled at me “I told you, you need a way of letting out you emotions, music is how you can do that, you’re an amazing guitarist Frank and I can guarantee an even better one when you put emotion into it…” he stated gesturing with his hands, I looked to the floor “I don’t know Gerard, I mean I used to write songs and play around with the guitar a little but I’ve never really played properly since it happened…” I sighed, I felt a hand fall onto my shoulder and for the first time in a long time, I didn’t move away, Looked up into Gerard’s comforting gaze “How good you play doesn’t matter to me, it’s how you let out your emotions, and writing songs and playing music it’s a good way of doing that, writing songs is what I do too, along with drawing, I mean that was the best part about being in the band, I could let out my emotions and no one knew the difference, they just thought it was a song I’d made up, no one looked deep enough into the lyrics to realise what it all really meant…” he trailed off and hesitated in silence before taking his hand from my shoulder and sighing “Look I’ll leave you here for a while, set up what you want, if you need me I’ll be upstairs…” he turned to leave but just before he left I grabbed his wrist, he turned and looked at me wide eyed “Stay…I-I want you to listen…” he faced me properly and my hand fell back to my side, my eyes fixated onto the floor “Frank are you sure?” he questioned, I nodded in response “even if I do this alone, those feelings will still just be with me, and no one else, I know you won’t judge me and you’ll understand...” I trailed off, my eyes moved from the floor to Gerard and he nodded slowly “Okay…” he said quietly, I nodded and walked toward the guitar, but changed my mind, I wanted Gerard to know exactly how I felt, so instead I set up a microphone, I wasn’t much of a singer but it’s the best way of expressing my feelings so it’s what I did, I have written a few songs after the attack but, I’ve never played them, I’ve memorised them and they have never been changed, because that’s how I felt in that exact moment, I adjusted the mic stand so it was at the right height and glanced at Gerard who was standing at the other side of the room now with a cigarette in his hand, I hesitated before I sat at the piano, I closed my eyes to try and block out everything around me and I began to play the first notes, of the song I never thought I’d play…
“Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
I'm tired and I
Want to go to bed
Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
And then leave me alone
Don't try to wake me in the morning
'Cause I will be gone
Don't feel bad for me
I want you to know
Deep in the cell of my heart
I will feel so glad to go
Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
I don't want to wake up
On my own anymore
Sing to me, Sing to me
Sing to me
I don't want to wake up
On my own anymore
Don't feel bad for me
I want you to know
Deep in the cell of my heart
I really want to go
Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
There is another world
There is a better world
Well, there must be
there must be
There is another world
There is a better world”
I stayed where I was sitting silently at the piano, staring at the black and white keys, and I watched as the first of many tears fell from my cheek onto the keys, my vision now blurred, I didn’t know where to go from here, what to do, I’d just bared my soul to someone I barely knew, yet at the same time I’d just admitted it to my best friend…to my only friend. I heard Gerard’s footsteps from across the room, slowly they got louder and when they stopped I felt a gentle hand fall onto my shoulder and weight fell next to me on the stool “Frankie…” Gerard whispered, I looked at him with tear filled eyes and he looked at me “don’t” I muttered, I wiped the tears away using my shirt “Frank, I…” he continued, I glared at him “I said don’t Gerard. I don’t want your sympathy, I did that so you’d know how I feel, I’ve never admitted that to anyone, the last thing I want is for you to feel sorry for me because I’m pathetic.” I felt Gerard’s hand slide from my shoulder, the space where his hand was felt bare, Gerard sighed “Frank, look at me…” I didn’t move and Gerard placed his hand under my jaw and turned my head to face him “Look and listen.” I stared into his eyes and tried to hold back my tears “You are not pathetic, for you to have been through everything you have, for you to admit to me how you feel, for you to open up, for you to tell the truth, is the bravest thing I’ve ever seen in any person…” he whispered I looked away but Gerard’s hand forced my face back to face him “You’re amazing Frank…” he stated, he stood up and moved his hand to the back of my neck before kissing my head softly and leaving the room and heading back upstairs, when the door closed, I stared at it, I stayed seated on the stool as I had been for the past fifteen minutes not doing anything, I sat there and burst into a flood of tears, my childish sobs couldn’t be heard in the rooms above me and for that I was grateful if Gerard saw me cry like this, he’d think I’m a lost cause, nothing worth caring about, but I’d never felt so cared as I do with Gerard not since the attack anyway, I don’t really understand why, maybe it’s the fact we were childhood friends I don’t know but for some reason his company just seems to numb the pain, although we talk about it, and he tries to help me move on and let go, for some reason, I just don’t feel as damaged, but the minute he leaves my side a world of pain and loneliness comes crashing back into my life and I don’t know what to do.
Gerard’s POV
Most people would probably say I was wrong to leave Frank in there alone, but I know he needs to be alone right now, he needs to remember what it’s like to be in a room by himself or be walking down the street by himself, he can’t have someone with him all the time, that’s just unrealistic as much as I want to be in there comforting him and telling him ‘it’s okay’ I’m not because sometimes it won’t be okay, but I’m not psychic it could go either way, and I’m not risking lying to him because it will just break every barrier of trust I’ve managed to build with him even if it is a minuscule amount, he has more trust in me than anybody else, and I’ll never jeopardise that trust, that small bond we have, because in the end that is what’s going to get him through this and the time alone will help him cope mentally, help him begin to control his feelings and thoughts and fears, some things he has to work out himself and he has to realise that I can’t fix him because he’s not broken as much as he seems to think so, he’s damaged yes but not broken there’s a difference a small difference but still it’s there and I can see that, I just need him to know that damage is something minor that doesn’t matter in the long run as long as he is still functional, he’ll never be broken.
and that’s what I’m doing, I’m giving him time to understand, to take in what I show him and then to apply himself, alone because one day he will have to go back to California to live with his mother and continue with the life he left there and he will have to face things alone
But right now this is his recovery and I am his doctor.
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