FicWad

Sorry, guys for being so late on getting this chapter up. I have been busy with finals and moving. I hope you like it. I worked extra hard on this one and made it longer just to make up for being late. Love you all!!!



Chapter 21

For All the Ghosts That are Never Gonna Get Me

After showering slowly and getting dressed, I emerged from the bathroom in Gerard’s black Iron Maiden t-shirt and a pair of black basketball shorts. I had thrown my damp hair up into a messy bun like I didn’t care and I made my way to Gerard’s bed.

Gerard was at his desk working on some art for his job so we had money to travel on and instrument repair. He and the other boys all had jobs. I did odd jobs for people at Eyeball or whatever little job I could find.

I crawled into his bed, flipped on the television, and flicked through the channels till I settled on cartoons. I was exhausted and nauseated to the extreme. I felt like shit and didn’t care if I had anything to do that day. Thank god I didn’t have a job at this point in time because I would have called in for sure. I slowly drifted off to sleep around noon.

Gerard showered and returned to his desk while Tristan slept. Every once in a while he would watch her peacefully sleeping all wrapped up in his blankets. She was facing toward him on her side with her arms under her head. He smiled to himself and wondered if she was dreaming about him, because she kept smiling and moving a bit in her sleep.

Gerard could feel eyes on his back and hear another person breathing behind him. He knew it was Mikey, lingering in the doorway to his room.

“I can hear you breathing,” Gerard tried to be quiet as he spoke without turning around.

Mikey sighed, “Gee,” Mikey started, hesitating to say anything else. He was sulking in the doorway, waiting and wondering what to say. I don’t want to piss him off, he thought.

“Yea, Mikey, what is it?” Gerard asked in a near whisper. He didn’t want to wake his tired girlfriend.

Mikey walked into the dark room and stood next to Gerard’s desk, “So, she’s finally asleep,” Mikey stated a little too loudly.

“Shhh,” Gerard whipped his head around to eye Mikey, “Don’t fucking wake her!” Gerard growled.

Mikey crossed his arms over his chest, “Sorry,” he whispered, “Gee…umm…have you thought this through?” He stared down at his older brother, whose face was that of anger. Mikey hesitated and asked, “I mean, really thought this through?”

Gerard cocked an eyebrow at Mikey, “Yes, Mikes, I have. This wasn’t a spur of the moment decision. I fought this for a long time. Too long. She’s the one I want to be with and she wants to be with me. It wasn’t forced. We both fought this for months,” Gerard explained, still careful not to be too loud.

“I’m not criticizing your choice of girlfriend, because; honestly, Tristan is a perfect fucking match for you. I’m just concerned what others will think or do,” Mikey tried to justify his feelings and concerns. He’s right, Gerard thought, but I can’t turn off my feelings any longer.

Gerard sighed, “Who cares what others think? I don’t, not anymore,” Gerard was sick of trying to convince everyone that this relationship was happening. He wasn’t going to give Tristan up for anything.

“Gee, I’m just afraid you are digging yourself a hole you can’t get yourself out of,” Mikey voiced his opinion.

“I’m fully aware of what I’m getting into. I’m a big boy. I can handle it,” Gerard breathed, “I’m done talking about this, Mikes. It’s done,” Gerard turned back to his work, showing the conversation was over.

Mikey stood there for another minute or so, but came up with nothing to retort back at his older brother. He’d said what he wanted. As long as he knows the consequences of this relationship, Mikey thought and he could finally breathe a sigh of relief.


At around two in the afternoon, Gerard decided he needed a nap before everyone was coming over at six in the evening. Gerard set an alarm for 5:30 before crawling in next to Tristan under the covers. He put his arm around her from behind and pulled her close, breathing her in as he pulled the covers over the both of them. He laid there for a while just listening to her steady heartbeat, before falling asleep with her in his arms.


Night time. In the woods.

Away from all the other prying eyes and judging faces.

I moved forward against him, trying to kiss Gerard softly, just enough so he could be real. But it turned out he beat me to it, because the next thing that happened was the movement of his lips against mine. I was willing, entirely willing. Our time was running out and I wanted all that I could have. Someone from the band would walk up on us at any moment and that made it hotter.

Gerard’s arms came and wrapped themselves around my shoulders, pulling me close against his chest. At the same time my hands were unconsciously winding around his body, trying to get him as close as I possibly could.

The night was warm and clear, the air perfect, everything absolutely perfect. Once again I was under the ever-familiar spell of lust and longing, kissing Gerard the way I wanted without any shame.

But there was also desperation. Part of me was pleading; begging for one last burst of passion, knowing all too soon that time would be up. Everything felt too final, painful in its own bittersweet way. The way Gerard was kissing me seemed to be giving the same message. Neither of us wanted to let go, and maybe, maybe if we just kept doing what we were doing that would never happen.

I pulled away from Gerard suddenly, holding my mouth teasingly close to his. To my pleasure, I heard him moan slightly in anticipation. He was just so beautiful, so goddamned fucking beautiful. Then I found my lips softly kissing his cheekbones, his jaw, my lips yet again trying to memorize his features. With every passing second my want grew, every kiss, every time I felt his breath slowly rattle against my face.

I leaned forward, pressing Gerard’s frame against the trunk of the tree. I put my hands on his chest in just the right place, at the same time sliding into his lap and pressing my curves against him as I straddled him. Fuck, he was just so beautiful. The way his eyes suddenly closed, the way his breath fluttered with hints of a moan, oh fuck. I can’t take this anymore.

Still I didn’t kiss those lips that were waiting with anticipation. Instead I slowly let them work downward, kissing right below his ear, working down his neck, right into the very crook that joined his shoulder. Gerard’s arms had tightened around my slim frame, pressing me against him and never letting go. Unable to stop myself I worked my way upward again, this time using my teeth and nipping at his skin as softly as I could, even more encouraged by the more vocal moan he uttered. When I stopped to focus on the area between Gerard’s ear and neck I felt his arms tighten around me even more, and heard his breathing start to speed up.

It was then, finally then, that I pressed my mouth against his, taking the moan into the depths of my body. Still I teased, my lips barely touching Gerard’s, my tongue refusing to venture into his mouth. His breathing sped up and his embrace got tighter, until finally Gerard was sick of being taunted.

Suddenly I found myself flat on my back, cushioned by the soft grass, Gerard’s body against mine. His lips were on mine with all the force he’d been trying to hold back, raggedly kissing me and making my heart beat a million miles a minute. It took me a few seconds, but then I was kissing him back with just enough force, with the grass seeming to be the comfiest bed in the world. The warmth of Gerard’s body against mine only fueled my desire.

I didn’t know it was possible, but our kissing became even faster, filled with the lustful, desperate final frenzy we were both trying so hard to keep back. It left me breathless and so full of desire my hands were tingling. I was aching, fucking aching from the power of it all. The only thing in the world was Gerard, the only thing I wanted then, and the only thing I would never be able to have. I never wanted to stop, never.

Overcome, I took my hands away from their lock around his neck, intending to set them against Gerard’s chest with enough force to turn him flat on his back. But to my surprise his arms came down over mine with light speed, trapping them against the ground and making me unable to move.

“Don’t you dare,” Gerard raggedly whispered in my ear. His lips brushed my earlobe just enough to make me moan and forget about moving in the first place. Then his lips moved down to the ever-sensitive spot where my head ended and my neck began, biting it gently and making me moan louder than I intended.

When Gerard’s heavenly lips started moving down my neck my eyes opened, and I found myself gazing at the twinkling heavens. As I moaned from the sheer sensations that Gerard was giving me.

At that moment Gerard’s lips met my collar bone, sucking on the curve and feeling so good I suddenly knew nothing else. He was still pinning my arms down, dominating me in a way that made my body tingle. Then he moved to the crook of my neck, clamping down and sending a bolt of pain through my body, but only making me moan like an animal. Then he finally brought his lips against mine once again, kissing them more dominantly than he’d ever done before. I didn’t have time to even think, because all I could feel was his kiss. He’d pressed his hips against mine, and it made me arch my back in ecstasy to feel the bulge rising against my thigh. I was wanting, wanting him so badly, worse than I ever had before.

His hand suddenly lifted from my right arm, instead coming softly over my breast, making me moan against his moving lips. My vocalizations only turned him on more, and the heavenly feeling of his hand rubbing my breast through the cloth was too much for words. I wrapped my free hand around his shoulder, drawing his body even closer to mine, but not nearly as close as I desired it to be.

Everything seemed to be speeding up, racing by at such an uncontrolled speed that I was flung out the window and left holding onto the rim with one hand, clinging for dear life. Our kiss became desperate. It was sickening and lustful at the same time, passion so sweet yet so tainted with negativity I didn’t know what to do. But no matter what, that still couldn’t take away the sweetness and lust of Gerard’s hand moving from my breast to the bottom of my hoodie. It gripped the cloth and tensed, so very, very ready to lift it up over my head-


“Tristan...” Gerard whispered. My eyes fluttered open to the basement. Fuck, what a great dream. That dream was so vivid. I felt Gerard’s arms around me tighten as he whispered in my ear, “Tristan, wake up, sugar. Everyone is going to be here in a little bit.”

I groaned and turned over in his arms to where I was facing him. He smiled when I met his face. His smile brought one to my face.

He pulled me closer and kissed my forehead tenderly. I wrapped my arms around his waist and buried my head into the crook of his neck. Gerard’s heart was beating faster as I tried to get closer. It was like I couldn’t get close enough.

Gerard giggled as my hand brushed his underarm, “Hey, stop,” He laughed, “I’m ticklish,” he giggled.

I smiled and giggled with him, “I didn’t mean to tickle you, but now that I know,” I tickled him and he had to reach up and grab my arms and pin them to my sides while we both were laughing like children.

Gerard shifted to where he was pinning me to bed and he hovered over me, while grinning ear to ear. He leaned down and kissed my lips lightly before rising up again and saying, “We gotta get up, sugar,” he frowned as he spoke; probably wishing for the same thing I was; to be close to him and maybe have my last dream come true and more.

He got up, stood by the edge of the bed, grabbed my hands, and pulled me up to where I was sitting on the edge of the bed directly in front of him.

He flicked on the lamp and I groaned, “I don’t want to get up,” I pouted while scanning my arm for Taylor’s number that she had written on my arm in permanent marker. I wasn’t there; it was too faded to read, “Oh no! I can’t read it!” I panicked.

Gerard sat down at his desk and looked over at me with a concerned look, “What’s wrong?”

I jumped up and studied my arm under the lamp light to no avail. “It’s gone! Oh Goddammit!” I whined as Gerard watched me panic. I liked her. She was awesome.

Gerard realized what was going on, “Hey, sugar, calm down,” I looked at him with my crazy sleepy hair. He raised his hand that contained a small sliver of paper, “I wrote the number down for you when we got home last night.”

My jaw dropped. I love this man. My face lit up with happiness and I walked over to Gerard’s desk. He turned around to face me and as I approached he wrapped his arms around me and I put my hands on each of his cheeks. He grinned at me as I kissed his lips passionately.

As our lips parted Gerard smiled, “She must be one hell of a girl!” He smirked.

My arms dropped to his shoulders, “Yes she is!” I was relieved and so happy he thought to do that for me.

“Oh and I hope you don’t mind that I invited her over tonight for you,” Gerard remarked while I started toward the bathroom.

I turned and smiled, “Thank you.”

Gerard couldn’t help but let out a chuckled, “You’re welcome, sugar.”


A little over an hour later Jamia, Frank, Mikey, and Ray showed up with Ray’s PlayStation to play video games. Jamia, Frank, and Mikey were all on the couch, while Ray was sitting in the floor near the television, setting up the game. Taylor showed up a bit later, saying Gerard had invited her. I hugged her and introduced her to my friends. She volunteered to help Ray set up the video games while I stood over Gerard.

I was standing next to Gerard and his desk. He was sitting there drawing with his right arm and had his other arm around my waist, holding me close.

Out of nowhere, “You think you could put on some pants, huh, Trist?” Frank sarcastically asked and made a nasty face in my direction. Gerard and I stared in his direction with disbelief on both our faces. Gerard dropped his arm from my waist. I could feel my face grow hot and red from embarrassment, especially with Taylor being there. She was a new friend and this wasn’t what I wanted her to see right now.

I could feel the anger coming off Gerard and myself as we stared at each other. I felt my blood pressure hit the ceiling as I looked down at my modest clothing: basketball shorts down to my fucking knees and Gerard’s Iron Maiden t-shirt that was a little too big for him, let alone me.

I shook my head in wonder then turned my attention to Frank, who was still looking at us from the couch. Jamia’s face was that of shock and embarrassed about what Frank was doing. Mikey was acting like he was more interested in the television and Ray remained silent. Taylor was staring at me with a confused look, but didn’t move or say anything. She had to be embarrassed too for me. I’m sorry you’re here for this, I tried to say with my eyes.

I continued to stare at Frank, “What the fuck are you talking about? I’m dressed perfectly fine…Right?” I asked as I eyed everyone. The only one to respond was Ray and it was him clearing his throat and nodded his head, yes.

“Really? Is that how all of you are going to be?” I shouted, surprising everyone.

Gerard grabbed my arm, “Tristan,” I cut him off and stared at him.

“N-no, I’m not going to let this go! It’s bullshit, Gerard!” I turned from him and looked back at everyone else, including Frank. “You all need to get over your fucking selves. We are together! That’s it. Yesterday’s fucking news! Don’t you sit there and judge us!” I was shaking with anger.

Gerard leaned up and tried to touch my arm in comfort, but I just pulled away, not wanting to touch anyone at the moment.

Frank stood up suddenly, “Get over it?” Frank questioned, “Are you serious, Tristan?” He was seething. You fucking hypocritical bastard.

“Are we seriously doing this now? I feel like shit. I’m hungover and it seems like you are just picking a fight with me over nothing,” I sighed and ran my hand through the loss hair from my ponytail, “You know what, Frank? Let’s just take this argument outside and talk like adults,” I made my way toward the door, barefooted. Frank followed. I closed the door behind me.


As soon as the door closed, Jamia, Mikey, Taylor, Ray, and Gerard all raced and scrambled toward the door and the window above Gerard’s bed. Mikey and Taylor were standing on the bed, looking out the window, while Ray, Gerard, and Jamia had their ears pressed to the door, trying to listen to Tristan and Frank’s conversation.


Frank took a seat on the fourth step and I paced back in forth in front of the basement door.
“So, are you gonna talk, Trist?” Frank spat in my direction. I will tear your head off, big brother.

I stopped dead in my tracks, “Stop being a fucking condescending jerk,” I retorted before I started pacing again, “I don’t understand why you are being this way, especially toward me. You of all people, I thought I could count on to understand and support me with this relationship.”

Frank started to open his mouth, but stopped himself.

“Frank…he…he makes me happy. I don’t know what it is, but when I’m with him…I’m…my head…is better. I’m not as dark or alone in my head. He makes me better. He’s so sweet and caring and I couldn’t ask for anything better than getting to be with my best friend. And you know what, that’s amazing.”

Frank stared at me with less anger, “But why a relationship? You’re only sixteen,” Frank asked in a way that told me he was listening to me.

“Really? Is that the problem to you? My age? Like…I…I haven’t graduated from high school and I’m not mature for my age. None of that shit matters?” I asked, feeling helpless against my older brother. You are supposed to be my rock. Someone I can count on to be ok with this.
He sighed, but didn’t say anything.

“I don’t think that’s very fair. I mean in the last goddamn year, I have nearly died three times,” I let slip from my lips.

Frank’s face changed to concern, “What? Hold on. Wait. Three times?” he questioned. I stared at him, realizing my mistake. “One was September 11th, two was the shooting, and then three was….?” He asked. “What did you do?”

“N-nothing,” I defended, knowing I was caught. I have to tell him. Frank deserves to know.

“Tristan, let me see your arms,” Frank demanded, almost silently.

Frank knew I was prone to depression and suicidal thoughts and tendencies. Frank was prone to bouts of depression, but nothing compared to anything I put myself and my family through in my lifetime.

So, instead of denying him his demand, I did as I was told. Frank examined each of my arms closely, seeing the old pale pink scars on each of my arms from two years ago.

It was summer, 2000, I was at home alone and super depressed from school and Jared and Troy tormenting me all the time. Gerard was dating Kat and he didn’t really see ME. Frank wasn’t around ever and my parents weren’t around either. I was alone and I felt like nothing in the world was worth living for at all. So I took a razor blade to my arms, sliding the blade long ways up the arm. Frank found me leaning up against my bed in the floor, blood pooling around me and I was unconscious. I spent over a week in the hospital, barely getting there on time. After the bout in the hospital, I was sent to a mental institution for the rest of the summer; alone yet again, so I faked being fine to get out of that dreadful place.

Frank had been extremely angry with me and made me promise that I wouldn’t cut myself or hurt myself again and up until November 1st, 2001, I hadn’t.

Frank released my arms gently, pleased that all the scars were old. I went back to pacing.

“Tristan…what did you do? When did it happen? We can’t keep stuff from each other anymore. We are family. All we got. I want to know everything. I want to know what’s going on with you. That’s a reason I’m angry with you. You didn’t tell me about you and Gerard. I had to walk in on the two of you and I was, to say the least, shocked. I don’t think that was very fair either,” Frank wasn’t angry anymore. He was just concerned.

I stopped pacing and leaned against the basement door, “It happened the morning after our birthday party. I was depressed, not speaking to anyone, and had these feelings for Gerard, which he wasn’t reciprocating. I was all fucked up over September 11th…I mean seriously fucked up. Of all the people to survive, why me? Why was I so special? I still feel that way, but not anything like that particular morning. So, I thought that all of you guys would be better off if I wasn’t around anymore. I cause so much drama and pain. I couldn’t stand it anymore, so I took all of my sleeping pills in Gerard’s room while he was gone. I guess I subconsciously wanted him to find me. Gerard found me and made my throw up the pills, luckily. He was so angry with me and upset over what I had done,” I finished.

Frank stared at me with glassy eyes, “Tristan…” he choked.

“I don’t feel that darkness as bad now that I’m in this relationship with Gerard. He makes me better,” I sucked in a deep breath and before I could stop myself I said, “I love him…” I let out a quiet laugh, “I’ve never said it out loud before or even told him, but I know I do. I feel it, right here,” I said while placing my left hand over my heart.

A tear fell from Frank’s eye, “Love?” he grinned with shimmering eyes, “Just be careful, sis. Tristan, I’m always here for you. Don’t lie to me again,” I nodded, “and don’t try to hurt yourself again. I don’t care what you think. I will never be better off without you and all those people in that room, right there,” Frank pointed to the basement door, “care for you and would care if you killed yourself. Ok?”

“I know,” I answered before walking over to him and he stood to hug me.

While letting me go, Frank said, “Let’s go play some video games.” He opened the door to the basement, letting me go ahead of him. We walked back into the quiet room to everyone in the same place we left them.

Frank went back to the couch with Mikey and Jamia. Taylor and Ray were playing a game on the television. They looked up when Frank and I came back in, but they didn’t say anything.

I walked back to Gerard’s side again. He looked up from his artwork with a slight grin on his face, “Everything ok?” He asked while snaking his arm around my waist like it had been before the whole fiasco with Frank.

I mustered up a smile, “Better,” I said. Gerard’s eyes were shining with a new brilliance as he gazed up at me. Where did those eyes come from? Why are you smiling like that?

I patted his shoulder, before walking over to Taylor and Ray in the floor. I hovered behind them as they playing a game for like a moment or two before I heard Gerard’s mother, Donna, knock at Gerard’s bedroom door, which was open.

“Hey guys!” Donna announced herself while smiling.

All of us smiled and said, “Hey, Donna!” She was like everyone’s second mother.

Everyone went back to their various conversations and activities, while Donna waved me over to her.

“Hey, sweetheart, this package came for you a little while ago,” She produced a small brown box about the size of a baseball. Weird, I wasn’t expecting a package.

I kissed her on the cheek, “Thanks,” I said before Donna quietly went back upstairs with a smile.

I took the package to Gerard’s desk discretely; making sure no one else saw that I had received a package.

Gerard was staring at me. He had been watching me through the entire exchange. Would I ever get used to him being my boyfriend?

“What is it?” He asked as I took a pair of scissors to the tape across the top of the small brown box.

I shrugged in response. I opened the box and gasped.

Gerard looked up from the box at me, “Is that real blood?” Gerard asked almost too loudly, making me clap my hand over his mouth to keep him quiet. Gerard and I stared into each other’s eyes for a few seconds till I took my hand away.

I looked back down at the box. What the hell is this?