FicWad

I was alone.

Alone; a very familiar feeling. An old friend, a lifelong enemy. I always find myself returning to it, sometimes being dragged because of my own choices and sometimes running to it, desperate to escape. There are times when it becomes clear to me that I can’t stand my own company any more; I can’t stand myself any longer, I need distraction, something, anything, and it is one of those times. Alone is something that makes up part of my being, rooted in my soul. At least when I’m alone, two things are put into clear perspective; I won’t hurt anyone but myself, and the only one that can hurt me is myself.

When I opened my eyes the next morning, my head was in a flurry. I could faintly recollect the dreams I had, but I found a smile sitting on my lips. That disappeared once I recognized the faint throbbing in my head. Hoping it would let up; I lay back a few more minutes. When I finally dragged myself out of bed, it had slightly subsided. Morning was too early to be thinking about why I was getting so many headaches, I grumbled to myself and checked the time and decided if I showered, maybe it would help my head. The hot water forced me to wake up the rest of the way and when I climbed out, the headache was gone. Walking back into my room, I put on The Cure album Disintegration and blasted it while getting ready, applying my makeup extra carefully when I remembered I’d be going out that night, I needed to practice. I was so out of it, I rarely wore makeup except for the usual eyeliner.

I loved being alone in the mornings, I thought as I walked downstairs and was just getting myself a poptart when I heard a car pull up in the drive.

Frowning as I checked my watch, I walked to the window and looked out, seeing the little old Beetle that belonged to Patrick. I pulled on my vans and walked outside.

"Patrick?" I said in surprise as he got out to meet me, he waved hi awkwardly. When he got closer I could swear he was blushing a little, but in the bright sunlight, and my eyes not adjusted, I just put a hand to bridge my eyes and tilted my head at him. “What’s up?”

"You forgot this," he held out my Lifetime hoodie, I had forgotten it balled up on the couch. "I thought it was mine at first, I have one just like it. I went to put it on...and I found out it was way too small." Patrick coughed a little; I could practically see the reaction he had on his face as he pulled it on and realized it wasn't his, and I took it from him and held down a giggle.

"Well thanks, I didn't know I forgot it. Yesterday was kinda...blurry." I skewed my lips a little.

Patrick licked his lips. "Yeah I'm sorry."

I tilted my head. "Patrick, why are you apologizing?"

"I don't know," he shrugged. I had the feeling this was something he did often.

I looked at the car, just to distract myself. "Are you going to school?"

"I'm taking Hayden to his school," he said. "I always get up early with him and take him to before school care."

I could see Hayden in the backseat, looking out the window at me. I saw him bounce up and press his hands to the glass and I laughed as I watched his mouth form a muffled 'April!'
I waved at him and smiled. Hayden stood on the seat and waved, smiling.

Patrick allowed a grin. "You know, he keeps calling you that. You're all he can talk about." He laughed, a little nervously. "Thanks for staying over yesterday, it was fun."

“Yeah it was,” I smiled, but started to feel awkward as I thought about what to say next; about the later part of yesterday night. “Uhm, thanks.” I glanced quickly at his eyes, not sure what I would see.

But Patrick didn’t hesitate. “Sure. I didn’t mind.” Patrick’s kind eyes told me he understood my awkwardness. He lifted his hat off his head in a quick move and looked back at the car. “Well, I gotta go, I’ll see you later.”

“Wait,” I called. “Will I see you in class later?”

“Yeah,” Patrick smiled. “You will.”

He ducked into the driver’s side and after a moment of checking that Hayden’s seatbelt was secure, backed out and drove away.

Now that I was alone with my thoughts again, they were sticking in my side like a proverbial thorn. It still made me feel awkward at the thought that I had broken down so completely in front of someone I didn’t know at all. But what made me most uneasy was that I hadn’t cared at all. It might have been because I was scared and confused at the time and welcomed any kind of comfort, but I found myself wishing when Patrick had left that I had gone with him. And that he would keep his word and actually show up to class.

I went back to the house and went it, checking my watch again. Andy and Jan wouldn’t be around for about 20 minutes.

As I went into the kitchen I heard a door slam and I jerked my head up, confused. I went to the stairs and walked slowly up, pausing by the banister and suddenly hearing what sounded like someone throwing up. I walked closer to the bathroom and I heard faint crying. Puzzled, I bit my lip and stared at the door, having no idea who it was. Natalie was usually gone before me, so was her brother. I think she had mentioned before-school activities. I knocked on the door. I heard a gasp and some fumbling around, then the shower went full blast and the door opened a jar.

“Y-yeah?”

“Natalie, what are you doing here? I thought you left!” I said in surprise.

Natalie creased her eyebrows. “I thought you left. You scared me.” She said in irritation.

“But you usually leave before me,” I said stubbornly, now annoyed with her. Why was she acting so irritated? I was about to snap again, but I saw the red rings around her eyes; she had been crying.

“Natalie, what’s wrong? Are you okay?” I said, now worried. I shot a glance at the mirror behind her head and saw another towel with blood covering it. My mouth dropped open and I pushed further into the bathroom without a word, Natalie started to protest and then stood off to the side with her head hung.

“Natalie, what the hell are you doing.” I said quietly, not wanting to freak her our. I looked at the inside of her arm and saw a small cut running up along her wrist. I stared at it and wanted to shout out her, but I reminded myself that this wasn’t the time for my emotions; I could only imagine what was going on in Natalie’s head. I looked back up at her face; she had tears running down her cheeks freely now. I gently took her arm and straightened it out so I could see the damage. Blood was seeping out pretty steadily from the deep but short cut.

I knew Natalie wasn’t one to ask for help, but I knew she needed it now and had no choice.

“I didn’t mean to go so deep,” Natalie choked out, holding her wrist with her other hand. “It hurts a lot worse than I thought it would.” She admitted.

“Look, you’ll be alright. I’m gonna help you.” I sat her down on the toilet seat. “Just take some deep breaths.” I looked around the bathroom.

“Where do you keep the first aid stuff?” I said, getting to business.

“In there.” Natalie pointed to the cabinet above the toilet. I quickly rummaged through it, finding peroxide and bandages. I got them out and set them on the counter.

“Natalie, what the hell were you thinking going vertically? That’s the quickest way to make sure you don’t make it to the hospital alive.” I muttered as I began to clean the cut with a cottonball. She sucked in her breath as I began to dab around it.

“It’s the first time I’ve ever done it.” She said, her breath coming in shudders.

“Do you really want to hurt yourself?” I asked, looking at her face as I did.

She hesitated before shaking her head. “I wanted to try it,” she said. “I wanted to know what it felt like.”

“How do you know so much about it?” she asked next.

“I had friends in the girls home who used to do it. I had to help them clean up lots of times.” I answered, concentrating on the cut again.

“Will you tell my mom?” she asked fearfully. “She’ll kill me—I’ll be so grounded and she won’t let me go to dance practice—“

“No,” I said truthfully, shaking my head. I wasn't a rat. “I’m not gonna say anything. This isn't by business. But you can’t do it anymore Natalie.” I began to unravel a section of gauze around her wound.

When I had wrapped it well, I tore the gauze and took a section of medical tape, smoothing it gently over the cut.

“Thank you Videl,” she said quietly. “I was scared at first. I thought you would freak out and start yelling at me. “

”You're hurt, and you didn't know better. I'm not mad, just--worried about you. And I'm glad I was here." I confessed.

Natalie nodded. “Me too, I don't know what I would have done if you hadn't been here...I thought it would make me feel better since I—“ she stopped and closed her mouth abruptly, and I suspected she had been about to tell me why she’d done it.

“You don’t have to tell me why you did it, just…look, tell me if you feel like this again. I’ll talk to you.” I answered. I wanted to help her; to be honest, I had wanted at first to yell at her for being so stupid, but she didn’t know better. I knew too much about the reasons why people harm themselves it to be angry with her.

“Okay,” Natalie nodded vigourously. “I’m—I’m sorry. Thank you for helping me,”

I shook my head. “Don’t worry about it.”

Just then, I heard a horn honking outside and glanced at my watch. “That’s my ride, I gotta go. Will you be okay?”

“I’m gonna get dressed right now, my friend Christine should be here any second.”

I got up and left the bathroom to go grab my bookbag and headed downstairs. As I opened the door I heard footsteps pounding down the stairs after me.

“Wait! I’m coming down!” I heard Natalie yell. She came down the stairs dressed in her school uniform with a fuzzy gray sweater that covered her arms; way too hot for fall right now but she pulled it consciously over her arm. I understood that gesture, the same way I almost always wore my hoodie. It was a security blanket.

“Thank you,” Natalie said, surprising me by pulling me in for a hug. I froze awkwardly at first, and then put my arms around her and hugged her back briefly.

“Don’t worry about it,” I answered, pulling away from her and smiling. “See you later,”

I went out the door and down the drive, running down the drive and as Jan opened the sliding door just in time, I leaped through and landed sideways on the seat and in Allie’s lap. Jan and Andy cackled while Allie just sighed. “You can never just come in and sit down like a normal person?”

“No,” l laughed, sitting up.

“We should take her to the Metro, she’d be a fucking natural at stagediving,” Andy laughed from the front.

“I’ve never been, but I want to,” I said, sitting forward eagerly. Suddenly a white Honda pulled in the drive in front of us, honked twice, and Natalie came out the door, locked the door and started down the drive.

“Who is that?” Andy said from the front, eyes on Natalie

“Oh her? She’s my foster sister. Her name’s Natalie.” I didn’t know what else to say, especially after our strange encounter just a few minutes ago, so I didn’t say anything else. I was still slightly uneasy, but I was determined to have a good day.

“Let’s go, I got to get to the art room!” Jan said, sitting up suddenly. Andy was still staring out the window as Natalie got in the car, but seemed to jolt and put the van in drive. Jan wasn’t paying attention to him; she was leaned over the seat.

“Look.” She said, holding out a cardboard box for me to look in. My mouth dropped when I saw a box full of razorblades and three cans of spraypaint. “Uh, that’s nice.” I said, not sure what she was showing me but immediately thought about Addie again.

“It’s for my art project!” Jan said excitedly, looking intently at me. “It’s a surprise, but its gonna be mindblowing.”

I wasn’t quite sure what razorblades and spray paint had to do with art, but I smiled anyways. “Sounds cool.”

“It’s gonna be something the likes of this school have never seen.” Jan said in a smug tone.

“You look like you’re gonna go vandalize the school,” Andy laughed. “Should we be worried?"

“If it’s spraypaint I’m in,” demanded Bob, suddenly sitting forward from the backseat with his head right in between Allie and I, causing Allie to screech.

“Christ, I thought he was skipping today!”

♠ ♠ ♠
So just a little more about the characters, this is the part where all the webs become linked. I don't want to say too much, because i have a LOT of drama coming in the next few chapters. Please bear with me, this story is meant to show all of their lives together, not just Fall Out Boy. Please leave me comments on what you like/dislike, questions etc. Please no silent readers! If you at least like what you see, are excited or interested, please give me feedback or a rec! I thrive on your feedback, so the more, the quicker this will be updated. Thanks so far for all the support of everyone that has been commenting and rec'ing, I love you all and you make me happy :)'

xoxo Videl AKA Sabrina