FicWad

"ID, please." Required the woman in her mid fourties behind the counter. I searched my bag for the card that had a rather unflattering picture of my face printed on it. I threw it on the counter and shoved it towards her. She studied it for an unnerving while, after which I tucked it back into my wallet.

"Nineteen and twenty, please." The way she said the word please totally managed to void the point of saying it at all. I thrusted the money I had in my fist to her, a handful of crinkled bills, and told her to keep the change. Very uncharacteristic thing for me to do, but seeing as though it was Grace's money I wasn't too strict about getting all those coins back.

I was proud of myself for having gotten through the the rest of the day; the car ride back to the city with Gerard and the visit to his work place.
After having realized what I'd feared and denied since I'd first met the guy, there was no way of going back into denial. It was as if I'd been wearing a pair of thick, dark sunglasses that had filtered my view and unabled me to see things as they were, and then having had someone suddenly remove them.

It was so clear now - the way his features had etched into my mind with remarkable attention to detail, the way his every move made my unsteady heart jolt and do extremely unhealthy flips. I whad been very aware of all this during the ride, and concentrated on sucking on my cigarette and biting on my lip until it drew blood. Gerard hadn't been in a very talkative mood, either, which had suited me just fine.

I didn't want him playing nice with me - it would make me shiver and feel unnecessarily fuzzy inside and neither did I want him being cocky and rude toward me because it was a guaranteed way to make my knees wobble and my mind race with unholy thoughts.
Silence was the best of the bads.

He had taken me up to the office and I'd sat around feeling a bit lost for over twenty minutes while he had worked on something I never got a good look at.
After he had finished and neatly placed the sheets of the sturdy kind of paper into the drawer, he finally got up and told me to follow.

His manager was nice and quite easy-going. I'd never been in a job interview such as that one - the cheerful man with fat, glistening cheeks and a loose tie sat there sipping coffee while we talked about common interests (there weren't many, I had to play along for the most part.) and everything perfectly unrelated to the actual job. I was glad he never asked for references, or a CV for that matter, and came to the conclusion that he propably couldn't care less who he hired to fill the place of the office slave. The job didn't need much talent, after all, and if I proved to be incapable of keeping the staple and pencil supply steady, I was as easily discarded as the last one.

For some reason, this didn't bother me. The expectations were low, and no pressure was applied. The only thing that worried me that I hadn't thought of before because I hadn't had to, was that I would be working close to Gerard.
And all through the trip from Belleville I had been planning on ways to avoid him yet again...

Gerard had vanished after I'd told him I had plans and that I wasn't in need of a ride home.
A quick exchange of texts with Grace left me waiting for her by a seven-eleven so she could buy the booze and we'd take the party to either her place or mine. She'd actually offered to pay for the whole thing, saying it served as a subsitute for the congrats card she should've gotten me.

I was quite sure she was just counting on me remembering this after my first pay check, and without second thought take her out for a night on the town as soon as the money had been handed down to me.

She'd appeared after I'd freezed my ass off for fifteen minutes, and here I was - three bottles of vodka in a brown paper bag squeezed under my arm, anxious to get to down all of it.

"I wish you would've bought it yourself, Grace. The lady thinks I'm an underage alcoholic."
I muttered as we started walking.

"You know I'm not allowed there after that incident with the scout boy."

"Oh yeah, that. You're still banned?" She had lost control big time last spring when a young male cashier had refused to sell her cigarettes because she had forgot to bring her ID.

They were extra strict here about not selling anything to minors after getting a couple warnings from the authorities last year. Grace hadn't done her name justice and had ever so ungracefully smacked the guy in the face. I think she had still been quite under the influence from the two-week binge that had taken place prior to that particular morning.

"For life, man. It's insane, the lenghts these people go to just to prove a fucking point." She huffed and flipped the cigarette into a drain we passed.

I was content hanging out with Grace. Even though her company often left me feeling hollow, it definitely had its benefits having a friend that knew dogshit about your life and cared even ledd. Sometimes it felt like I turned into another person when it was just the two of us, but in reality it was more like certain parts of me retreating while other sides got up to the surface. I became more like her, or I just let those Grace-like sides of me take over.

It was refreshing, in a very self-distructive way.

"So are we headed to yours..?" I asked after a couple of blocks.

"The walls are closing in on me there. Let's go to the Way slash Malkin residence - Do you think that guy Mikey will mind?"

I chuckled at her question. Because that guy Mikey would most definitely mind, and also because this chick Grace didn't really need to pretend she cared whether that guy Mikey minded or not.

"He'll frown upon on us and leave the scene, quite likely. And then yell at me tomorrow, which I can handle." I laughed.

Tiny drop of icy autumn rain came down on my forehead and I glanced up at the sky.

"Oh shit, we're getting drenched. C'mon!" I shrieked and sped up. Grace soon brushed past me in a feverish run and I joined her, the bottles clinking against each other in my tight embrace.

We ran through the dimming city streets and for a moment I was reminded of Frank and the way we had ran, side by side, so many times just like this. Laughing and speeding past each other, either running from something or just for the heck of it.
A rush of sadness threatened to take over but I brushed it away as Grace bumped into me, knocking me against an alleyway just around the corner from our apartment building.

"Gimme a swig!" She giggled and I brought out the bottle of clear liquid, cracking it open and shoving it in her face. She took a sip, the a several gulps and gave the bottle back. I did the same, and we walked the rest of the way home, red-cheeked, laughing and swearing.


It was a struggle to get the key to oblige after having lost ourselves on the staircase for fifteen minutes or so, doing a good job downing most of the first bottle.
Grace cursed at me for being slow and less than dexterous, saying that if she would have to piss her pants due to my tardiness, she would make sure I'd never get to even see a bathroom again. Finally, the key turned in the lock and the door clicked open. Grace brushed past me, but stopped by the bathroom door, her dark eyes staring into the living room.

It took a moment to detect the sort of tension in the apartment.

"Em, you never mentioned we were having a party! I would've worn something nicer!" She cackled and shuffled back to me, grabbing the half-empty bottle from my hands and the paper bag from under my arm.

"Here, the drinks have arrived. Don't look so glum ya'll - if we knew everybody was already here, we would've walked faster." She dumped the bottled by the living room doorway and disappeared into the bathroom.

I took my boots off slowly, not feeling very eager to face what I already knew was waiting for me. I slumped into the living room, picking up the booze on my way and stared.
Gerard had come straight back here, obviously, and Frank had indeed taken the invitation seriously. Sudden rage came over me - those two had been here alone! How could I let this happen? Had they talked? My eyes darted from one guy to the other and tried to take it all in, desperate in finding any signs that meant they had confessed their stupid feelings for each other and ruined all my plans. They both stared back blankly.

Gerard was the first one to speak.

"If I'd known you having plans meant you buying booze, I would've tagged along for sure. But no harm done, I see - let me take care of those."

He grinned at me and rose from the couch, grabbing the vodka and placing it on the sofa table.
He disappeared for a second and returned with several plastic cups and a huge bottle of orange juice.

I don't know why I had this sheepish feeling as I felt Frank's stares bore into my skull, I glanced at him somewhat apologetically, which was a weird thing for me to do - he never judged my drinking habits. That was stricly Mikey's field of expertize.

I mechanically stripped my coat off and collapsed on the floor. I was sitting with legs crossed when Grace wandered back from the bathroom, looking highly unimpressed.

"You used to know how to throw a party.." She muttered while walking over to the CD-player. Popping in a record, she turned the volume knob until the whole apartment seemed to tremble from the bass abuse. I felt myself loosen up - blaring music had a way of making uncomfortable silence nearly impossible. Gerard poured me a cup of vodka and juice - much too juicy for my taste- but I grabbed it gratefully. Even Frank cracked a smile when Gerard poured him one. I didn't like the way both of the men's hands lingered half a second too long around the cup. I looked away.

After chugging down the remains of the first bottle, the front door made a clicking sound and a second later Mikey stood by the doorway. His expression was unsurprised, but the hint of disappointment I knew so well was nowhere to be seen. Instead, he walked over to the couch and kicked his shoes off before doing the unimaginable - grabbing the unopened bottle and cracking it open, and proceeding to make himself a drink! I stared wide-eyed at my serious, no-fun-allowed roommate and wondered if I had just passed out and floated off to some imaginary island where all kinds of impossibilities took place.. Usually I had to seriously rack my brains for any new manipulative tricks to get him to join the parties with me and here he was- sitting on the couch with perfect ease and an almost happy looking expression ruling his features while he traced the lines of the cup in his hand. I shrugged. If he had, for some reason, finally decided to act like any normal twenty-something, I was more than pleased.

"Let's play a game." Grace clapped her hands together, wearing a smug smile.

"Women and their games.." Gerard grunted but leaned forward to hear more about it.

"I don't wanna play any stupid games." I whined.

"Alright then." she snorted at me. " I suppose I can think of a game for just the two us." Grace spoke with a thick sexual undertone and I gasped in horror as I saw her trying to lock eyes with Gerard - I smacked her fast and hard on her forearm. As soon as I retreated my hand, I realized what a stupid mistake I had made.

Gerard wore a confident smirk as he cocked an eyebrow at me while Grace seemed anaffected by my act of violence, Mikey's confusion was written all over his face and Frank.. Frank sat there with an accusing stare. I'd like to think that I hadn't just revealed any of my possibly positive feelings for Gerard, but everyone seemed to notice the unplanned gesture and were seemingly quick to make assumptions.

Mikey obviously was starting to reconsider his theories about me having the hots for his brother (can't blame the guy) and Gerard, I was afraid, had gotten a view of something I'd really rather he wouldn't know a thing about. Why would I care about Grace making a dirty little move on Gerard? I suppose that's what the majority of the people in the room were asking themselves. Jealousy was an easy answer.

But Frank., oh, Frank, I don't think he saw it the way others did. It dawned on me that I was such a disgrace to best friends who knew to spare their friends's feelings. I was openly declaring Gerard as off the limits for Grace, and Frank was no doubt recalling the events of Booth Park. I wonder what would happen if he realized we were out for the same man.. That even though what I told him was true, that the night with Gerard would never have happened if I'd known about Frank's feelings for him, the situation remained the same. We both wanted him. But I would let Frank have him - in time. I just had to not be a stupid little motherfucker. I had to keep a distance from Gerard, and I definitely was not to show any kind of signs that could make it look like I actually liked the guy. I had hurt Frank enough.

"That's what you told me last night, Grace!" I exclaimed in mock astonishment, saving the game at last minute. She giggled like a maniac and planted a wet kiss on my cheek.

"I never claimed to be a woman of only one lover."

Gerard chuckled at our ridiculous nonsense and turned back to Mikey, engulfing him in some conversation about starting a band. Mikey mentioned coming up with some real badass band name at work earlier, and I snickered at how typical guy talk it was. Talk about starting a band and the first thing you do is discuss potential names when neither of them could even play a goddamned instrument.

I stated this and got a very offended "Musical talent is secondary!" arguement from a crimson-faced Mikey.

I could still feel Frank eyeing me every now and then, dispite my genious save.
I decided to shrug it all off and drink until all humanity evaporated my soul and pretending not having any feelings at all would become that much easier.





Hours later, I sat on the hallway floor, watching as Mikey tied my boot strings.
It had proved out to be quite a challenge to me after consuming a gallon of hard liquor.

"All done." He jumped up and offered me a hand. I grabbed it and he swung me up, making my head spin like no one's business.

"Mikeeeyyy.." I groaned. "These ain't tha boots I wan'd to wear.." My speach had begun to seriously slur a long time ago. It annoyed me, and I made a mental point to articulate.

I gazed down to my feet with unfocused eyes, seeing only a blur of burgundy red leather instead of the black combat boots I so much loved. These had to be the Doc Martens I stole from a party a while back that I never had the guts to wear because a; they were the type of Doc Martens with heels and though I was OK with heels higher than myself, we did not mix well while I was intoxicated, and b; they were stolen and for someone who grew up in Jersey, being seen in stolen boots was the first step to getting murdered.

"They'll just have to do, they're all waiting for us out on the street!" He laughed.

It still amazed me how Mikey seemed so okay with all of this. Coming home, finding a bunch of people drinking in the living room, joining them, and actually going out together as an actual group for the first time since.. ever?
Grace always wanted to head downtown - she knew all the best joints and though she was usually banned from most of them due to misbehavior, she claimed she had access to each one at the moment. She said she had manned up, whatever that meant.

"But these look stupehhd." I whined.

"For what it's worth - I think you look like a million dollars."

"Like a million million?" I looked up a like a kid.

"Wellll.. definitely more than twenty bucks. Those boots are pricey." He grabbed my hand. "Now come on - the others might be long gone and we're not getting into any of those clubs in our own company."

I took several unsteady steps on the staircase but Mikey held on to my hand, gripping it tightly and preventing me from falling over. It wasn't such a surprise that I was the one most drunk here - that was usually the case no matter who I partied with. Grace was more into sneaking around in the kitchen to swallow a pill or two when she thought nobody was watching, and the results weren't the same as after drinking bare vodka all night. She was high, really fucking high, but not clumsy and slurring and incoherent like I was.

Gerard was a close second - I could definitely see what Mikey meant all that time ago when he said I was starting to put his brother to shame. That we were alike, Gerard and I. Before, the thought would've made me shudder, but tonight now I took some kind of strange, sick pride on the fact.


"Fucking finally!" Frank's impatient voice called as we stepped into the chilly street.

"Frankie.. I have the wrong boots on.." I moaned.

"They look lovely. Want a piggyback ride, to cheer you up?" He offered a very typical sly Frankie smile which made my heart flip - it had been days since I'd last caught a real glimpse of the Frank I knew, the Frank that I had missed so bad lately.

"Oh, and all these years I thought rilarvy was dead." I hiccuped with a smirk.

"It's called rivalry, Em - not rilarvy." Mikey's know-it-all voice corrected from beside me.

"Good thing I know CPR, eh?" Frank chuckled.

"If your skills in CPR are truly magical enough to awake something that's been dead for decades, I'd really like you to do your thing on my grandma." Grace spoke without humor, making Gerard behind her crack up.

"Awww - that's just nasty!" Frank objected, placing a flickering cigarette between his chapped lips that curved up to a crooked smile. I felt instant craving for a smoke.

"Help me up, Mikey!" I yelped and climbed up on Frank's back with a bit of assistance. I borrowed his cigarette a few times to inhale as much smoke as I was able without coughing before giving it back. He never complained.


Despite all the hurt and confusion, added with to-be unrequited love and affection that boiled beneath the surface, for a moment, we were a seemingly happy bunch.

Grace danced ahead of us, singing songs we all knew from our chilhood - theme tunes to shows we used to watch and all-American lullabies, only changing the lyrics slightly to create hilarious, morbid versions of the originals. Gerard stumbled next to Frank and I, making band plans with an overly excited Mikey, moving his hands around and almost whacking me in the face as he spoke.
Frank giggled as I reached down to slap his ass while singing my Franklin the Horse - song.
It was mindless fun, and even though I could sense our lives swiftly rearranging below the surface, shifting and twisting and casting premonitions of a storm ahead, I was somehow able to block it and replace the hollow feeling with carelessness and joy.

I believe it was called seizing the moment.
Or being wasted. I wasn't sure which.



*



It wasn't until much later, after drinking and dancing like crazed teens in various clubs, that reality caught up with us. I had sensed Gerard sending me signals for a while now, signals clear and less than subtle, and I'd done my best to make sure Frank wouldn't notice what the guy was up to. I wondered how he managed, or rather, I wonder how he coped; being in the company of the man he loved, yet flirting with me as if the only thing he wanted was to rip my clothes off. Either the man had discovered an entirely new level of sexual confusion and knew how to turn off his heart, or he was the biggest fraud in modern American history.

I was torn. There was nothing I wanted more than respond to his little invitations, but the fact that I now knew about how Frank felt, made me unable to do so. I never realized it would get this tricky. I'd merely thought that I'd just have to step down myself and stop forcing myself on the poor guy but it never occured me that he might actually force himself on me.
And I really sucked at resisting..
He was without doubt the weirdest fucking gay person I had ever heard of. For the time being, nothing about him seemed gay - he kept stealing glances at me while I danced and discreetly touched me in ways that made my skin crawl. It was almost too easy to pretend that the attraction he felt wasn't purely physical, or that the love I felt hadn't been so cruelly denied from me.

I doubted it was even physical attraction - I'd think a homosexual would be strictly attracted to men - but a desperate need for release that I, in a way, had promised to help him out with that day by Belleville High. It made me feel both awful, and extremely vital.

I couldn't do it now, though? Not like this, knowing that I would be having sex with the man my best friend liked. Or loved. I wasn't sure what it was that he felt.
It was basically the biggest no-no in the BFF one-oh-one, and I had to start leaving some levels of idiotism untouched - it wasn't like I was intentionally going for the world record in bitchiness. The only problem was that I wasn't exactly used to denying myself a thing, and the things that I weren't allowed to have only became that much more desirable.
Not that Gerard wasn't desirable to begin with.

I made my way back to our table and smiled at Frank and Grace who were wrapped up in some strange-as-fuck exhibitionistic dance-off. Frank made some very questionable moves that quite likely made most of the people around them look away in shame, and Grace resembled a walking porn flick in her dirty blonde hair, bulging boobs and a tongue so long it definitely put that guy from that weird eighties rock band to shame.
I cackled as I watched them while sucking on a slice of lemon, a leftover from a round of tequila shots.

I had miraculously regained some of my soberness during the past hour or so, although that had definitely not been my plan, but it was a good thing to be able to go to bathroom without needing someone to hold me up, or dance without falling flat on my ass. Or talking and actually making sense. I had been sweating like a pig the whole time due to heavy dancing and the strangely high room temperature of the club, and I suspected that everything I drank basically ended up immediately as an addition to the wet patches I very likely had on the back of my top, and under my arms in case my deodorant had failed me again. Fuck you Rexona.
The heat was stealing my buzz here.

I got up and walked into the ladies' room, which, much to my delight, was completely vacant. That rarely happened in any club - I was pretty sure you could go out and drive around until you found the most deserted, abandoned looking gas station in the area, with no cars on the lot whatsoever, and still; as you would enter the girls' bathroom, you'd have to wait in line for atleast half an hour. It was the way the world worked, a law of nature of a kind. A very inconvenient one.

The bright industrial lamps of the fluorescent room were enough to blind one, and I suddenly wished for the soft blue lights that I was used to in bar toilets as I rubbed my eyes and stared into the mirror. The rhythmic beat of the music was no more than a dull rumble, and the party felt a lot more distant than it in fact was. After I was done with my business in the cubicle, I stumbled back to the sink and turned the faucet to wash my hands.

I was going through my bag to find my famous dark cherry lipstick when I heard the door being opened and someone stepping into the room. I didn't bother looking up, and the next thing I knew, I felt strong arms grab my waist from behind.
My head popped up and the reflection in the mirror showed Gerard's face, half buried in my messy hair. His breathing tickled my neck and made my spine itch.

I tried to not be affected by his closeness, but failed miserably.

"It's a ladies' bathroom, Gerard. So unless you're planning on going girl today, I suggest you go back and try the next door." I smiled weakly.

"Mhm.. You want me to go?" He murmured against my skin, making it prickle and crave for his touch. I shook my head, hadn't we already messed everything up? But he had said something about a next time.. And I'd been thrilled. Was this it - the next time? Only last night at Donna's he'd talked about it as a one night stand and with all the fluffy feelings he had for Frank, I'd pretty much thought that the whole thing was dead and buried on his behalf.
And should be on my behalf, too.

I clenched by teeth as I thought, for the second time tonight, about what I'd said to him two nights ago, and realized that yes, he was taking my offer seriously. Yes, I had told him that he could have both - what his body wanted and what his mind wanted.
The only thing I hadn't been prepared for was for the situation to change so radically in such a short time. I didn't want to do anything that could harm my (hopefully just temporarily) fragile friendship with Frank, and I had no idea if I was even able to give in to my want knowing that my heart was on the line now, as well.
It was much, much too messy - all of it!

I did my best to hide my frantic state of mind as I fought to find my composure. I was going to play this off smoothly. I shouldn't give in - not although I wanted it so badly. But I couldn't tell him the truth, either - I couldn't tell him about Frank and how I didn't want his feelings to get hurt because I did not want him to know Frank even had those fucking feelings. Ugh ugh ugh!

Then Gerard snapped my thoughts off by leaving a wet trail on my bare skin, kissing and tracing his hot tongue along my neck.

"Unless you have the panties you promised to bring." I chuckled uneasily, going for the 'brush all the discomfort away with lousy attempt at humour' - route, that was usually my best shot at tricky situations.

His hands ran down my body finding their way under my shirt. I watched us in the mirror, feeling irrational waves of desire run through my figure. Well played Mr. Way, I thought. It would seem that the guy knew all about my guilty pleasures - the risk of getting caught made the idea seem more like a challenge than anything else. I was enthralled by the fact that anyone could walk through that door any second, and though the idea of it actually happening made me want to die of embarrasment, it also somehow planted a seed of decision in my head.
If there was a line to define my behavior, it would be to always aching to do the things you ought not.

Frank crossed my mind again, but it was easier to whisk him away this time. What he didn't know wouldn't hurt him, right? There was no way he would ever catch us, unless he planned on attacking someone at the ladies' bathroom himself. It was rather unlikely - Frank was more of a quick-fuck-in-the-alley -type and now that he was apparently gay, he would have no business trying to find a partner in here anyway.

"Please tell me you have your phone off?" I whispered, but the sound came out as a hiss.

Gerard's quiet laugh died out fast and his hands were working magic on my body while I stood there, unresponsive, weighing my options. I did want him. Bad. But had I really meant what I'd said outside Belleville High that night? That he could have it both ways, and I'd be willing to help?
Did I really want to be that channel of release that would work on his mark?

His palm pressed against some seriously sensitive spots while he sucked hungrily on my neck.
I still faced the mirror, and couldn't help but notice how stupid I looked just standing there, like a deer caught in headlights. I made up my mind, breathing heavily and trembling in anticipation, desire and horror for agreeing to something as risky as this, but made a move to turn around and meet his intense lips while knowing it would be a huge mistake.

"Oh, no.." he grunted from behind me. "Don't turn around.."

He spun me back around and before I even had the time to steady myself, his unapologetically rough hand flew to the back of my head, his fingers twirling around strands of my hair until it was all a big tangled up mess he had a nice firm grip on. Then he pulled. My head yanked back, and a low moan escaped my lips. I wasn't sure if it was one of pleasure or pain. He was taking out his aggression and frustration on me whenever the need struck him, apparently, and I would comply.

In a sick way the knowledge of being mistreated made my head fume with lust.
Hurt me... Use me...

Him being so rough with me helped ease the guilty feeling in my stomach and the picture of Frank's disappointed face begun to drastically fade as I realized I was already being punished.
I deserved rough handling.

The hand he had entwined in my hair pushed me down until I was leaning my entire upper body on the wet, slightly filthy looking stainless steel counter.
Panting, I stared at the door to my left, just dreadingly waiting for someone to burst in.
I pressed my palm against the cold surface of the mirror and swallowed hard when I felt his free hand push down the waistband of my baggy jeans. After running his fingertips over on the exposed skin, his other hand gripped my hair tighter, pulling a tugging and then he was in me.

My mind went strangely blank, a void of all feeling. The lack of sensations bewildered me, but I'd zoned out and was only vaguely aware of his fingers ripping on my hair until there would be nothing left there to pull at, and the thrusting motions coming from behind me that made me have to push back with my arms in order to not hit my face on the mirror and crack shit up.
Thump thump thump. I was elsewhere, and after a short moment, it was over.

I never felt him come, but the fact that he seemed to be in desperate need of a handkerchief proved me wrong. I stayed put as he wiped himself clean, after hastily running the towel over my bum and upper thighs, and didn't stand up straight until he placed my jeans back where they'd been five minutes ago.

I didn't know what to say. I wasn't hurt, but some sort of oddly automatic sense of self protection must've kicked in and I was hanging onto the fragments of my thoughts. I hadn't felt a thing. It was almost as if there was a huge, invisible bubble around me that evacuated me from the rest of the world, the vacant bathroom with flickering bright lights and Gerard, who didn't seem to notice. I didn't mind, although, I was a bit disappointed on not getting my share this time. Something in my brain had completely shut off.

Before exiting the room, he whispered a word in my ear that would most likely haunt me for the rest of my days, and his hand went into my pocket so swiftly I barely noticed it. He left without saying another word and I stood there, speachless, for an x amount of time, replaying the word in my head.

"Thanks."

It was enough to tear down the numbness, and for the first time I took a good look at what I'd gotten myself into. So this was it, then..

When I looked up to the mirror, I saw my handprint on the reflective surface, and felt sick to my stomach. I honestly had no idea what went in to me - normally I would've been enthralled, filled with adrenaline and a sense of rebellion. I would've laughed at the handprint and wished that it would never come off as long as the building stood on its groundings.

I snapped away from my trance-like state when I remembered the last place he'd touched and as I squeezed my hand into my pocket and pulled back a twenty-dollar bill, all I wanted was to fall down and crumble on the tile floor.
I wanted to flush it down the toilet, and felt twisted and embarrassed as I realized I would never do that - twenty dollars was a lot of money right now.
But for what exactly?
I vaguely remembered the words Mikey had spoken in the hall before we'd gone out;
Well, definitely more than twenty bucks.

I threw up.

The way he had whispered a thank you into my ear before leaving just got more meaning - horrible, unthinkable meaning. I guess I was, as of tonight, a slut. A dirty, usable, easy pick off kind of slut who also happened to be the Darth Vader of friends, selfish as fuck and in too deep in shit she had no real understanding of.

But what stung even more, the undeniable pain that pushed all the aforementioned disgraces aside, was that some part of me seemed to have still held on to the belief that Gerard might care for me. That he might want me - even just physically, if nothing else. And that part had been slaughtered.

Though the knowledge hurt as a bitch, I carefully labelled it as a thing to forget and deny for the rest of my life so I put it in an imaginary box and thrusted it to the back of my mind.
Atleast the murder of whatever rare sincere feeling had been awoken in me in by Gerard would only make it easier to let go from now on. It fit my plan, I suppose, but I'd never had such trouble fighting off tears in my life.

I think I really messed up this time.

After a couple minutes I was starting to succeed at my attempts on convincing myself that the crinkled piece of paper had nothing to do with what just happened, but was merely an act of kindness from a man who had seen me plead for free drinks all night. Yes, that had to be it.

I had to pull myself together, even for just a few minutes, and get out of here. I couldn't deal with facing any of the men right now. Not Frank, the object of my continuous betrayal, not Mikey who had been more right about me than he even realized, and definitely not Gerard who had just gotten a piece of me that I didn't even know was there for me to give away.

My legs almost gave out as I slumped out of the bathroom, into the crowded room and towards the exit. I made a quick stop at the table to snatch a few of Grace's happy pills, and hurried out.

I felt shittier than I had in a long while, and while I swallowed the pills on the drizzly, glum street, in the back of my mind I dreamt of being able to tell Frank about all that had happened.
The artificial, dull glow of street lamps accompanied my walk home in my state that was a perfect mixture of flying and crawling.
Pills and hard liquor didn't mix well. I had to remember that - it was information very usable in the future.


I'm not really sure how I got home eventually.














A/N I'm taking this brief moment to advertise a story that I've been unable to write before.
It's a kind of anniversary for the events, and I felt a desperate need to continue it.
It is very different from my other stories, and quite frankly, I am a bit unsure about calling it a story per se, but I would really appreciate it if you checked it out.
It's insanely personal, and I've been going back and forth about wanting to post it at all, but now that I made up my mind, I would love for people to hear the story. It might come off as vague at first, but there will be a direction to it. I should know - I already know how it ends. http://ficwad.com/story/212810