FicWad

I found the one, he changed my life
But was it me that changed
And he just happened to come at the right time?
I'm supposed to be in love
But I'm numb again



Cold sweats, anger and anxiety pretty much shaped my life for the weeks following. My normal routines were bombarded with heavy thinking and concentration. I was a complete and utter mess; forgetting to eat, very rarely having a comfortable night's sleep and it felt as though I couldn't leave the apartment. I would try, but trying would take almost two days of Gerard coaxing me to get some fresh air. Every time I'd take a few steps outside of that steel door, this dark haze would seize me; it hypnotized me to believe that Eric would be somewhere around the corner just waiting for my shoulders to relax. I was convinced he would wait for that sigh of relief to make its way out into the Brooklyn air, and then it all begin.

That's usually how I dreamed it.



I was taking another shower, my third that day. Showering wasn't a necessity anymore, it became a hobby. I probably spent a good portion of my day in there. For reasons I couldn't exactly explain to anyone. Gerard would often inquire if I was waiting for slabs of skin just to start falling off. I would shoot him a dirty glare and lock him out…especially when he had to go really bad. Something about the comfort of the warm mist that enveloped me in its safety. Water that was almost scolding cleansed me of his lingering stench and his rough touch lied in sacred places.

Gone.

I wanted to be rid of him completely. I fantasied my mind void of anguish and depravity. I didn't want his memories anymore. I wanted to wash everything away and start anew; but the cuts were healing and soon to be scars. Up and down my arms, my palms and a small one right above my eyebrow; they were the constant reminder of why I had been unemployed, regretfully pensive and all-around difficult.

This wasn't going away.

I stepped out of the shower reluctantly and wrapped my robe around myself before I caught a glimpse of my defaced body. My unkempt hair was thrown up into a towel. I was careless with it. It had been thinning in places and shedding at an unnatural pace, in clumps sometimes. I could have cared less. Going into the medicine cabinet to grab the toothpaste, I'd done the imaginable--catching a glimpse of myself.

Myself?

Who was this insignificant being? Like a sock left behind in the dryer, it could be replaced without an issue. Eyes as hard as hammers hit and dark as infinite caves; unresponsive to just about everything. Anything that hadn't to do with who I used to be. I used to be wild, yes, but now I took on feral.

Who was this bitch?

Face flushed of color. I used to be lusted after, every night--all night, by men who wanted nothing to do with the wife in their bed because they had me to come to. It was hard to believe now. Those men wouldn't want me anymore. Shit, I couldn't get the one man I lived with to want for me as he used to. Who wants to consummate with a weeping pile of human skin and bones? He doesn't deserve that, if he deserved anything. I knew I wasn't what he wanted anymore, I wasn't what I wanted anymore.

To say that I was displeased with what I'd seen was an understatement. This was also a routine thing. It was almost as if my eyes found themselves purposely glaring their own reflection down so I could stand there and berate myself. I shrugged and began to brush my teeth.

I was getting prepared to go to a support meeting called Speak Claire--Detective Frost--had set up for me. We'd become oddly close since the trial and after. She'd helped me build my testimony and put Eric and Karley behind bars. Eric was charged with Attempted Murder and Rape. He was sentenced to thirteen years without parole. Karley was slapped with an Accomplice felony and she was getting seven years. They both thought they were going to get some kind of plea bargain because they lawyer up even before they were interrogated. I remember the smirk that lie on his face when they couldn't find any evidence. I had everything to thank to an older Spanish woman who'd witnessed Eric's truck pulling off in the dumpster at the estimated time.

I thought after the trial, everything would get better. Was I ever disappointed. At least I showed some type of emotion, then. Now, I just sat and grimaced, coldly. I couldn't be bothered or satisfied with anything anymore. I definitely didn't favor who I'd become after all the work I'd done to prevent this happening.

Gerard hadn't known what to do anymore. We were engaging in argument, after argument; all of them about absolutely nothing. I think he'd been afraid to just tell me to get my shit together and be his Victoria again. I knew deep down he still blamed himself for not blowing off work and coming to the apartment with me that day. I was tired of telling him that it hadn't been, so I just let it devour us, our well-being and relationship. I stopped caring. He'd been at band practice all the time. Getting away from his crazy, ex-stripper, girlfriend, but I was happy he found sanctum in making art. It comforted me, those days. I missed him being around, sometimes.

I got dressed being unsure of how I felt about telling my story to other people. What would they think of a stripper being raped? Really, I was more apprehensive of having to go outside. Claire told me she'd meet me at the apartment and we'd walk out together. With Gerard and I being…the way we were, she was really the only thing I had left. I hadn't heard from anyone from the club, so I just assumed they took Karley's side. I've always imagined being alone, but I never imagined being this alone.

The knock on the door shook me out of my dreary daze. I stopped to remember that Claire was coming but I still went to the peephole to make sure it was her. She stood there with a thoughtful smile and a light expression. I toyed with the fuzz in the back pockets of my jeans upon opening the door. That light expression quickly turned into worry as she'd seen my boney form.

"Hey." She reassuringly rubbed my arm and eyed my form. Whether she'd been worried about me, I hadn't a clue.

"Hi," My voice cracked and eyes darted to my flip-flopped feet. "I just have to grab my bag and we can go…" I trailed off. She nodded and gave me that smile again. I went to grab my bag knowing that she was probably going to go to the fridge too see if I had anything to eat. I mentally snickered when I heard the fridge door shut quietly.

"Ready?" I reappeared into the living room.

"Yeah," Her smile never left the surface of her smooth face. We made our way out of the door and down the hall. It was different to see her without her badge and gun holstered around her waist. She lead the way down the hall, to the elevator, we stood at the entrance. I watched Brooklyn live before me. People lived just as it was any other day. I wanted to join the rest of the world and be normal again. "Come on," She gently pushed the glass door open.

After a few deep breaths, my feet made their way onto the porch. I inhaled the last days of the Brooklyn summer and exhaled what had held me back for so long. The sun beat down, welcoming relief. My feet apologetically made their way to the sidewalk, in hopes of further progression. I hadn't known how much I'd resented holing myself inside the apartment, I hadn't realized what I was missing. Even though the streets were filled with people I didn't know or even recognize, I missed them. I missed seeing the cars whiz past and even the street lights were reminiscent of better times. I was more than ready to give up the defeatist attitude and move on to bigger and better things.




"And it felt like--" I watched as Sarah's eyes welled up with tears reliving her trauma. She had been coming home from work when she was attacked by an unknown assailant. "--it felt like I couldn't breathe," He'd yoked her and dragged her into an abandoned home. I felt for her. It had been the first time in almost a month where I felt for anything or anyone. I admired her, more than anything. I wasn't sure of telling my story in front of people I didn't know, but I wasn't there to listen in scrutinize. It had to be my turn soon. Claire sat outside and patiently waited for me, I wasn't about to waste her time.

As Sarah continued, I was moved to rethink everything I put myself through. It was scary how an account, so grueling could give me such a positive renewal. Maybe it had been the strength in her voice or just her display of emotions, I couldn't be sure. It made me feel more human, it made me feel like I'd had someone who shared my pain and understood why I couldn't go back to being Victoria. I didn't feel alone anymore. I found myself relating to a lot of the parts in her story more of the same feelings rather than events.

"There was this emptiness I felt. This hole that remained even after he was sentenced just began to grow into an abcess and I couldn't shake it," She paused as her eyes dart downward at her shoes. "It got to the point where suicide seemed like an escape," I knew that I was never upfront with my thoughts on suicide but I could see my condition worsening and getting to that point. "It was like everyone I knew, everyone I loved didn't want to be around me anymore. I couldn't think of anything else to do," Bringing her hands up to her face, she wipes her eyes. "Fortunately, I didn't want to leave my mark on the world as the 'the rape victim who took her own life', so I started speaking at colleges and then I found Speak. I wanted to fill that void I felt by helping others with my story." Everyone, including myself, began to clap proudly. I looked around the room to see so many different faces of many walks of life; none of us were cut out of the same morals or values. We were all molded differently but one event in our lives brought us together. It was tragically brilliant.

"I think we can all say how appreciative we are for Sarah sharing her account," Our founder, Lori, stands as she herds another round of applause. Her slim thirty-something figure perked with untamed excitement. Her mouth pursed, she folded her hands. "As I look around the room, I see a new face," Before her feet could turn in place, I already knew she was referring to me. I watched her form contort, her stance never changing as she twisted around. I could feel her light gaze on my forehead, waiting for our eyes to meet. Mine rise to meet hers. "Would you like to introduce yourself?" With a nervous grin, I nod.

"Hi--Uh--My name's Victoria." I pulled at my fingers as the eyes of the room surveyed me. I hated the way my voice sounded and the way I said my own name. I never had to introduce myself.

"Hello, Victoria!" The room erupted with gentle smiles and comforting voices.

"How old are you, Victoria?" I was glad she inquired, seeing as how I'd almost forgotten.

"Twenty-two, I--uh--have a birthday coming up next month, October." The room softened as their eyes lightly swept across my form. Lori's hopeful grin never leaves the surface of her face.

"Well, Happy early birthday," She lowers herself down onto the chair next to me and places her warm palm on my knee. I knew exactly what was about to happen. "Here at Speak, we encourage our newbies to be as vocal as possible. We want to assure that everyone feels comfortable with voicing out their opinions and emotions. Though we're a very verbal group, we do not judge," Her voice hardened at that. I nodded and began to smile. "We don't use our voices to berate, we use them to guide others through trials we've been through," She had such a motherly presents, she could probably ask me for my credit card number and I'd probably give it to her without a problem, she'd been so sweet. "Now, tell us why you're here." Oddly enough, I'd been preparing this in my mind.

"First, I want to thank all of you for having me. Through all of your stories, I've been inspired to tell my story, so thank you again," I had received cordials from everyone around the room, welcoming me. "I--uh--" I stood there taking a long glance at my feet. Here goes nothing, I began to think. "For starters, I was an exotic dancer before...this. I'd been at the same club for around five years and there I worked with someone who I thought was my best friend," I felt the bubble in my throat begin to grow. I swallow hard continuing. "I met her three weeks after I ran away from my foster home and got me into dancing," I, for sure, thought they were going to grimace at that. I was wrong.

"Anyways, I was living with her when she introduced me to this guy she knew, who was married but she thought I'd be interested. When I turned him down, she began to date him but she became--" I tried looking for the right words to explain Karley's behavior. I new 'vengeful-backstabbing-bitch' would be inappropriate. "--jealous when I had found someone for myself. We started to argue more than often and one night at the club she tried something and I didn't show interest. Things got physical and I told her I was moving out,"

The hard part was approaching and my hands started to quiver. I needed to convince myself to let go for good. "The day I had went back to the apartment, he'd knocked on the door looking for her. When I told him she wasn't there, he insisted on coming in for a favor she sent him on. I thought nothing of it until he cornered me and--" My face grew hot and my eyes began to burn. I wanted to stop altogether but I knew I needed this. "--He pushed me onto my bed and started beating me," I erupted in a heap of anger, but it all came out as tears. I wasn't ashamed anymore. "I tried--" I tried to catch my breath under the sobbing. My elbows rested on my thighs as my fingers with drawn into my hair as the fear cascaded onto the tiled floor. "--I tried to fight back but he wouldn't let up. I didn't know what else to do other than lie there..." Lori began to withdraw my hands from my hair slowly, as I'd been tugging at it for some time. I probably looked like I'd just relived the worst possible night of my life, but I shined in revelry.



For the first time in months, I not only omitted emotion but I was actually able to feel it. In that room, it'd almost been tangible. For the first time, I wasn't in front of a jury, a judge reliving the most terrible night of my life. Eric and Karley weren't sat in front of me on a defendant bench, glaring me down and threatening me with a twitch of an eye. I let go in a room full of strangers and it was possibly the beginning of a breakthrough.

The group dispersed on a high note that night. I couldn't wait to go back the following Monday and share my progress, but first, I needed to make things better at home.

"You were amazing, tonight!" Christine, a woman in her late twenties with long dirty blond hair, grabbed me into a warm hug. "Thanks so much for sharing!" I hadn't been hugged like that in a very long time, or even admired.

"It's nothing really," I hug her back and she holds me out at her wrists. "Just doing my part, you know." Then, she gave me that look that I would find in Gerard's eyes sometimes, like I was more than I knew I'd been.

"That's all it takes, sometimes. You're coming next week, right?" I nod excited to feel like I belonged again.

"Of course. I'm really glad I came." I replied.

"Me too. I'll see you next Monday." She hugged me again and turned on her foot with a soft smile and wave.

I'd gotten so many encouragements from everyone that night, even Lori had been really moved by my story. I was starting to see certainty in myself again.

Claire appeared in the doorway, waving and bouncing on her heels. I exit out of the door with a wave and we started down the hall.

"Sounds like they really liked you in there!" She placed her hand on my shoulder reassuringly.

"I guess," I modestly replied. "I think I'm starting to make progress," She nods again, silently.

"Well, how do you feel?" She'd always hit me with that question and I'd given her a vague and careless response most of the time, but not tonight.

"I feel better than I did before this all happened--motivated."

"That's great," She assured. "How do you feel about going back?"

"I feel good--" I stopped walking and took in a deep breath. "--I just really want to work things out with Gerard." I could only imagine the pain I'd put him through. I promised myself that I wouldn't make him feel like he'd been through my trauma, but I wasn't exactly honest with myself either.


Claire dropped me off the door of our apartment building. I wondered if he was home, seeing that his car was nowhere around. I exhaled putting the key inside of the lock and pushed the door open. I had all of the words set in stone to say to him, in hopes that it hadn't been too late. Something rolled inside of my head that automatically reminded me that he'd gone to interview with Cartoon Network that day. He'd been up all night illustrating and animating this for the past week-and-a-half. I made my way onto the elevator wishing he get the job, under my breath. It would be easier to apologize to him in a much better mood. I arrived in the hallway with sweaty palms and a stomach that wouldn't stop turning. I kept thinking that maybe he hadn't wanted me back, but I wasn't about to let those thoughts pollute my mind. I unlock the door.

"Hey," He was sat on the couch with his head deep in a comic. I was surprised to see him home. "How did group go?" Still refusing to make eye contact with me, he inquired.

"It actually went really well. Thanks for asking." He nods as I shut the door behind myself, locking it. With a small smirk, I walk over slowly wrapping my hands over the top of the comic. My smile grows as his eyes take notice of the comic pulling away from him.

"What are you doing?" He was politely inquisitive.

"When I talk to you, I like to see all your expressions," I placed the comic on the side table, sitting next to him. "I like to see your eyes." He looked me over with rebuttals rolling around in his mind, unsure of which one to say.

"Oh, you talk now?" He retorted sarcastically. I guess I deserved that.

"Yeah, and I smile now too! Look--" My lips stretched over my teeth in a hard smile with playful intent. His eyes lighten on me.

"It's great to have you back." He sighed with an unreadable expression and grabs the beer bottle on the floor to take a swig. Something must have gone awry, he didn't drink much when he was in his normal state.

"I'm sorry, Gee," Placing my hands upon his knees, I receive all of his attention. "I'm not quite sure if an apology can really fix anything, or if it's even what you want," He puts the bottle down and gives me a stern look. "It's a start, though." I searched him for empathy.

Nothing.

"I know what happened was albeit deplorable, but that shouldn't give you a reason to give up," I was being scolded, yes, but I was happy to see him emote. "Victoria, you gave up. You stopped taking care of yourself, your hair started to fall out and you stopped eating," I seen the flame in his green eyes and I knew not to interrupt. "You spent most of your day in the shower, I couldn't even touch you without you flinching," He pulls himself closer to me with his eyes still ablaze. "I'm not losing you again, Victoria." His tone softens. I realized his drinking for the night must have commenced right then, seeing that I couldn't smell the beer on his breath. His lips called my name, and before I could even breathe, we were attached.

"I missed you, you know." I pulled away slowly and his lips would find mine in between breaths.

"I bet you did," He bit back, hungrily reaching his hands to the button on my jeans. "What'd you miss most about me?" He'd been on top of me at this point, trying to work the button through the hole.

"Every inch of you." His smirk grew as my body convulsed in a rhythm I hadn't known anymore. I hadn't wanted for anyone or anything in quite while. I was ready for my clothes to slide off and land next to the couch.



Our bare bodies lie in the whirling fog of cigarette smoke and the rusty haze of make-up sex. He goes to the nightstand withdrawing one out of the pack for himself. I took a drag cracking my neck and back. He'd been getting a lot more adventurous with the positions he'd imagined for me. When I told him that I'd bend over backward for him, I wasn't speaking in the literal sense.

"How'd the interview go?" I grabbed the lighter, flicking it on, I held it in front of his cigarette.

"They want me to come back tomorrow for a second interview, so I'm stoked about that." He takes another drag stubbing it out. His left arm rests behind his head as he welcomes me to lie on his chest. I missed this the most.

"What about the band; how's that going?" He yawns and slides down into the covers.

"It's coming together pretty well, actually."

"Yeah?" I caught myself yawning and slightly losing focus.

"Mh-hm, I spoke with Matt and he said he'd known a few kids that would want to join, like Ray. You remember him?"

"Yeah, the kid with the fro. How could I forget?" I piped a small laugh against his chest.

"Well he can fuckin' shred on guitar. The kid Frank, who owns the basement we practice in wants to join too," I'd met him once. I just remember him being short and making conversation about being a telemarketer.

"It sounds like it's going pretty well, I just don't want you to put all your eggs in one basket." I yawn again, this one stronger than the last and bringing me closer to sleep.

"I know, baby." He kissed me on my forehead, wrapping his right arm around my shoulders.

"Good. I'm happy for you. I'm happy that everything's finally working out for one of us." I reach over him stubbing my cigarette out.

"Thank you." He replies sinking deeper into the sheets.

"No sweat," I placed one last kiss before I slumbered off to a dreamless sleep. "Night." I turned onto my pillow and he followed my position sharing a pillow.

"Goodnight, I love you." The last three words gave me enough energy to shoot up and throw the blankets off. Our smiles compliment one another.

"I love you too."


The next morning started better than any other. Gerard had woken me up the best way he knew how, with kisses laid in places that turned into a repeat of the previous night's adventure. I loved how he communicated with me all through his physical dedication. He told me he loved me again before he left for his second interview. It gave me the best feeling in the heels of my feet and the pit of my stomach. I said it back without hesitation so naturally. It was a sure surprise it came out that way, seeing as how I hadn't said it since I was maybe three years of age.

I rolled over wincing at the sunlight burning through his curtains. I loved rolling around in his sheets with his scent soaked in them. I wasn't used to sleeping over just yet, but I could definitely get used to it. I looked at my phone, Gerard had left around two-hours ago and it had now been roughly around 8AM. He wanted to be extra early to show them how dedicated he was.

I got up and drew the blinds open all of the way. Usually we could hear the streets thrive this early in the morning, but this Tuesday was oddly quiet. I thought nothing of it and went on to making myself breakfast. I could hardly believe that it already had been the middle of September.