FicWad

CHAPTER 10: The Softer Side

I hear a light knock at my door and turn in the darkness to look at the clock. Its almost 3am. I get out of bed and walk to the door and I hear the knocking again. I havent a clue who it could be. The knock doesnt suggest that there is anything wrong. Humm I wonder. Who could it be.
"Who is it?" I ask through the door.
"Nikki."
I unlock my door wondering all the while what brings Nikki to my room so early...or late depending on how you look at it. I open the door and he is propped in the doorway with his smug little half grin and a bottle of Jack dangling from his hand at his side.
"Can I come in?" He smiles at me with an innocent look.
"What are you doing here? Its 3am."
"My room is otherwise occupied," he says pushing his weight off the door and walking in.
"Well quit letting trashed girls pass out in there," I say closing the door.
"I didnt...these two seem to like each other waaaay more than they like me," he shrugs and plops down on my bed.
I can only shake my head with a smile.
"Anyway," he says, "Id rather be where Im semi wanted...that is if you..."
Was he trying to get me to say I wanted him?
"I guess you can hang out a bit." I sit down on the end of the bed and flip on the TV. It begins casting shadows on the walls and illuminating Nikki's face.
Nikki takes a drink. "I want to thank you for putting up with all of my bullshit...not many people can."
"Well...my personal cross to bear." Nikki extends the bottle of Jack out to me. I shake my head no.
"Come on Jen...drink a little with me. I wont let you get drunk this time, I promise."
I sigh and take the bottle. I turn it up and get a chug from it that makes him proud. He smiles and I hand it back. We sit in silence for a few moments.
"why do you put up with me?" he smiles and looks to me tenderly.
I look down and shrug. Maybe I should just tell him the truth. "One day when I was about 16 I was reading a hit parader magazine...Im flipping through it and the little quarter folded centerfold they used to put in them falls out. I pick it up off the floor and unfold it. I see this guy holding a guitar, no shirt...leather pants...hair like he stuck his finger in a light socket...There was no name at the bottom so I went flipping back through the magazine to try to see who it was. I come across this article about the bad boys of rock. So I read it. I see an inset picture and it says 'Nikki Sixx sure knows how to entertain a crowd'. I matched the picture to the poster and figured out it was you." I glance at Nikki and can see hes hanging on my every word. "I tack the poster to my wall next to Jordan Knight from New Kids On The Block. There was just something about you I was drawn to...I began reading every interview of you I could get my hands on. I would cut out the pictures and put them on my walls. I would send away for mail order posters...within six months there was nothing but Nikki Sixx on my walls...until the day I went away to college there was nothing but you on them. I guess you could say you were my teenage crush."
Nikki smiles sadly and glances down. "Wow...you must find me pretty disappointing."
A part of me wants to say no, the other yes, I can only look down.
"I know what its like to meet the posters on your walls...I know the joy you feel when theyre just as fucking awesome as you always imagined they would be. I also know how shitty it feels when your heroes disappoint you..."
"Im not disappointed," I whisper shaking my head. I can feel a teardrop rolling down my cheek.
Nikki sits up and reaches a hand over to my cheek. With the back of two fingers he wipes the tear away. "Its ok Jen...Im disappointed in me too."
I glance up at the genuinely sympathetic look on his face. I can see his eyebrows furrow as he stares at me. I can almost read his mind and feel his thoughts.
"Youre too beautiful for this circus...on the inside and out." He strokes my cheek again. "I dont wanna turn all that beauty into something else," he says softly.
I reach up and lightly touch his hand. "You wont."
Nikki leans his lips towards mine. He stops just short of them. I can smell the whiskey and cigarettes on his breath and Im not even offended. I can see his eyes and wrinkled brow. I can almost see the wheels turning in his brain. He wants to kiss me but hes holding back. "I shouldnt do this," he whispers.
I reach up and lightly touch my hand to the side of his face. "Its ok," I whisper.
I see his eyes close and soon feel the warmth of his lips brush across mine softly. Then I feel his hand twine onto my hair on the back of my neck. I can hear him draw in a breath and part my lips with his. I feel his tounge softly caressing mine. I could have died right there. I had never been kissed so perfectly or felt so much from one. All I could think about was sum beams shining through clouds as angels sang. I had dreamed so much of this moment as a teenager. It was even better than in my childhood fantasies. Nikki had to have been the worlds best kisser. After a moment I can feel Nikki's arms lowering me back across the bed. He kisses me a moment longer then hesitates. I open my eyes to see that same scrunched brow expression.
"I cant do this to you Jen."
"Its ok," I whisper softly.
He softly shakes his head. "Its not fair to you."
"Its ok," I repeat myself trying to tug him closer.
"I can never be what you need Jen...what you deserve..."
"Youre all I need."
Nikki shuts his eyes for a moment. "I dont want to break you heart."
"Then dont."
His eyes focus on my lips, longing for them. "Im no good Jen."
"Nikki dont say that."
"Its true," he sighs, "Im nothing but a junkie..."
"youre more than that to me," I say stroking the side of his face. "youre everything to me...my sweet everything."
I can see his eyes clouding with tears as he gently touches his lips to mine again.