Categories > Celebrities > Motley Crue > Saving Nikki
CHAPTER 15: No Avail
My eyes open to the white tiles of a bathroom wall. Im cold. I turn my head slightly with a moan and see Nikki hovering on the floor next to me. He strokes my hair and kisses my forehead.
"Jen," he says sounding so happy to see me. I can see trace signs of concern in his blackened eyes. "Oh baby," he sighs, "why the fuck did you do that?"
At first Im a little disoriented and confused. Im not entirely sure what hes talking about. Then the memories start to come back to me. I lift my head feeling droggy. Im on the bathroom floor next to the toilet. Nikki helps me sit up. I look around and can see vomit everywhere.
"That was so stupid Jen. What the fuck were you thinking?" He says moving my hair out of my face. "You could have died."
I want to say something but what can I say?
"Baby why?" He asks hugging me.
"I wanted to...to understand...understand why you..." Im finding it difficult to think straight enough to speak. I feel exhausted and my head is spinning.
"Youre so fucking stupid Jen. You almost killed yourself," he said as he scooped me up in his arms and carried me out of the bathroom and to the bed. He gently lays me down and kneels next to me by the bed. He takes my hand in his and scans my face. "I almost lost you."
"I-I had to know..." I mumble.
"Dont you ever do something that stupid again." He looks at me a moment longer and kisses my hand with a sigh. "Promise me...promise me you will never touch that shit again."
I can only muster up enough strength to nod. Nikki seems ok with that. He bends over and kisses my forehead again. He releases my hand and crosses over to his side of the bed. I can see him fumbling with the dope and putting some in a spoon. I can see him grabbing a plastic lemon and squeezing out some juice. Hes about to cook himself up a shot. I almost die and hes going to get high?! I almost die on that very shit and all he can think about is another fix?
"N-no Nikki," I mutter.
"Jen I have to," he says holding up the spoon with a lighter under it.
"No..." I say and struggle to move.
"baby I cant be sick and try to take care of you too."
I cant believe this is happening. How can he shoot up after what happen? Why?
"Dont worry baby...Its mostly coke." He assures me as if its any comfort at all. After what has happened to me Im terrified for his life.
"Nikki...please dont." I cant believe this is the only thing on his mind right now. I guess its at this moment that I understand the true depravity of addiction. Its as if any morality of reason doesnt exist. No tragedy or near tragedy can seem to turn off that trigger impulse inside his brain. Its at this moment that I know without a doubt that I will never mean as much to him as this drug will. He would die for this. I know he wouldnt die for me. I suddenly feel stupid and nieve. I feel young and inexperienced. Nikki was right when he told me I didnt belong in his world. I dont belong in it. I question if theres even room for me in it.
What am I doing here? What have I gotten myself involved in? Im in love with a man whos in love with something else. I cant begin to compare to his precious heroin. A part of me wants to leave all this. Yet another part of me cant forget the Nikki that I know is buried inside of there under all the drugs. I cant forget the way he touches me. I cant forget his beautiful smile. I know its all still in there somewhere. I cant get his words out of my head, 'where you been'. I know everyone he has ever known has walked out on him. I promised I wouldnt be that person. I promised him that I accepted him as he was. I promised him I wouldnt tell him to stop or try to change him. I cant just walk away. I love him. I love him so much.
My eyes open to the white tiles of a bathroom wall. Im cold. I turn my head slightly with a moan and see Nikki hovering on the floor next to me. He strokes my hair and kisses my forehead.
"Jen," he says sounding so happy to see me. I can see trace signs of concern in his blackened eyes. "Oh baby," he sighs, "why the fuck did you do that?"
At first Im a little disoriented and confused. Im not entirely sure what hes talking about. Then the memories start to come back to me. I lift my head feeling droggy. Im on the bathroom floor next to the toilet. Nikki helps me sit up. I look around and can see vomit everywhere.
"That was so stupid Jen. What the fuck were you thinking?" He says moving my hair out of my face. "You could have died."
I want to say something but what can I say?
"Baby why?" He asks hugging me.
"I wanted to...to understand...understand why you..." Im finding it difficult to think straight enough to speak. I feel exhausted and my head is spinning.
"Youre so fucking stupid Jen. You almost killed yourself," he said as he scooped me up in his arms and carried me out of the bathroom and to the bed. He gently lays me down and kneels next to me by the bed. He takes my hand in his and scans my face. "I almost lost you."
"I-I had to know..." I mumble.
"Dont you ever do something that stupid again." He looks at me a moment longer and kisses my hand with a sigh. "Promise me...promise me you will never touch that shit again."
I can only muster up enough strength to nod. Nikki seems ok with that. He bends over and kisses my forehead again. He releases my hand and crosses over to his side of the bed. I can see him fumbling with the dope and putting some in a spoon. I can see him grabbing a plastic lemon and squeezing out some juice. Hes about to cook himself up a shot. I almost die and hes going to get high?! I almost die on that very shit and all he can think about is another fix?
"N-no Nikki," I mutter.
"Jen I have to," he says holding up the spoon with a lighter under it.
"No..." I say and struggle to move.
"baby I cant be sick and try to take care of you too."
I cant believe this is happening. How can he shoot up after what happen? Why?
"Dont worry baby...Its mostly coke." He assures me as if its any comfort at all. After what has happened to me Im terrified for his life.
"Nikki...please dont." I cant believe this is the only thing on his mind right now. I guess its at this moment that I understand the true depravity of addiction. Its as if any morality of reason doesnt exist. No tragedy or near tragedy can seem to turn off that trigger impulse inside his brain. Its at this moment that I know without a doubt that I will never mean as much to him as this drug will. He would die for this. I know he wouldnt die for me. I suddenly feel stupid and nieve. I feel young and inexperienced. Nikki was right when he told me I didnt belong in his world. I dont belong in it. I question if theres even room for me in it.
What am I doing here? What have I gotten myself involved in? Im in love with a man whos in love with something else. I cant begin to compare to his precious heroin. A part of me wants to leave all this. Yet another part of me cant forget the Nikki that I know is buried inside of there under all the drugs. I cant forget the way he touches me. I cant forget his beautiful smile. I know its all still in there somewhere. I cant get his words out of my head, 'where you been'. I know everyone he has ever known has walked out on him. I promised I wouldnt be that person. I promised him that I accepted him as he was. I promised him I wouldnt tell him to stop or try to change him. I cant just walk away. I love him. I love him so much.
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