Categories > Celebrities > Motley Crue > Saving Nikki
CHAPTER 17: Decisions
When my eyes open again it is daylight. My head hurts. I slightly turn my head and can feel pain in my neck as well. I turn my head and can see Nikki sitting against the wall with his knees to his chest looking at me. I begin remembering everything that had happened. I remember the cold uncaring look in his eyes as he pinned me to the floor with his hands around my throat. Yeah I remember this stranger. However now he doesnt look so evil. Now he looks a bit concerned. He is covered in sweat...or maybe its water. He makes a move for me and I jump and scramble across the floor until my back is pinned by the bed.
"Jen...its ok," he says softly, still coming for me. Im scared of him. I honestly dont know what to expect from him anymore. But I certainly know now what hes capable of. He extends his hand out to me. Its shaking. Hes shaking. "Baby its ok." Im cornered and I cant move. I bury my face into the side of the bed and try to shield it from any blows. "Baby please dont be scared...Oh god Jen, Im so fucking sorry." I can feel tears forming in my eyes. Im scared. Im nervous. I dont trust him. I feel his shaking hand touch my shoulder and I cringe. "Please baby dont be scared. Im not gonna hurt you. I sware to fucking god." I can feel his fingers on my jawline gently trying to get me to turn my head. I slightly turn and look at him through the strands of my hair in my face. Nikki looks so worried. His face doesnt look twisted and demented anymore. It looks like this may be my Nikki again. He gently moves my hair from my face and looks at me. I can see his eyes swelling with tears as he draws in his breath. His eyes are darting about and seem to take in every square inch of my face. "Baby Im so fucking sorry," he says shaking his head in disbelief.
"Nikki'" I say as if Im genuinely concerned as to wether or not its really him.
"I sware to god baby this will never ever happen again." A tear rolls down his cheek. "Im so sorry baby. Oh god...how can you ever forgive me for this. Now youre going to leave me too arent you?"
Im paralyzed with fear and cant get a word out. I can see Nikkis concern. I can see his tears. But theyre not really registering in my brain.
Nikki lays his head in my lap and clutches at my clothes sobbing. "Im so sorry baby. Please dont leave me too. I-I'll die without you...Ive waited my whole life for someone like you...now youre gonna leave me. Oh god I fucked up. I fucked up baby and Im so sorry...I sware to fucking god it will never happen again...Oh baby Im so sorry...You have no idea how fucking sorry I am...I hate myself so fucking much Jen."
About that time I look down and see red scratch marks accented by little dots of dried blood. The insides of his arms are covered in this. "Your arms..." I say but my words come out sounding hoarse. My throat aches as they come out. I try to swallow but it hurts even worse.
Nikki grabs at me even tightler. His knuckles are white and I can hear him sobbing loudly. "I thought I killed you...I thought...I couldnt live without you. I love you so much Jen"
My heart wants to melt. Hes finally told me he loves me. Yet I still cant forget what has happened. Im still afraid.
"I know I fucked it all up...didnt I? I told you Id only hurt you...and I have. Youre gonna leave me now and its all my goddamn fault...I hate myself for what Ive done to you...I told you I hurt anyone who gets too close...I tried to tell you Jen...I knew Id fuck it all up...I should have pressed down harder and killed myself...I should put my fucking gun in my mouth...I dont deserve to fucking live...All you did was try to help me...just..." His sobs give way and he can no longer get his words out. I look down and gently touch his shoulders in my lap.
"N-Nikki...oh god..." I say and start crying too.
Nikki sits up and takes me in his arms, holding me close to him as we both cry. "I cant live without you Jen...I love you so much...please dont leave me...I swear to fucking god Ill never lay another hand on you. Im so fucking sorry, please dont leave me...Ill die without you baby...I know I will."
I dont know what to say. I dont know what to think. Hes telling me he loves me and I want to believe it. I want to feel it. I want to feel this. "I love you too," I hoarsely say.
Nikki presses his lips to mine and kisses me. He moves away and looks at me with a wet face and red crying eyes. "Oh baby..." He lets out a relieved smile and kisses me again, this time much more passionately. He kisses me for a while. He kisses my neck and hugs me again. We sit there crying and clinging to one another. Then Nikki jerks aray and scrambles across the floor with a hand over his mouth. "Im gonna be sick."
When my eyes open again it is daylight. My head hurts. I slightly turn my head and can feel pain in my neck as well. I turn my head and can see Nikki sitting against the wall with his knees to his chest looking at me. I begin remembering everything that had happened. I remember the cold uncaring look in his eyes as he pinned me to the floor with his hands around my throat. Yeah I remember this stranger. However now he doesnt look so evil. Now he looks a bit concerned. He is covered in sweat...or maybe its water. He makes a move for me and I jump and scramble across the floor until my back is pinned by the bed.
"Jen...its ok," he says softly, still coming for me. Im scared of him. I honestly dont know what to expect from him anymore. But I certainly know now what hes capable of. He extends his hand out to me. Its shaking. Hes shaking. "Baby its ok." Im cornered and I cant move. I bury my face into the side of the bed and try to shield it from any blows. "Baby please dont be scared...Oh god Jen, Im so fucking sorry." I can feel tears forming in my eyes. Im scared. Im nervous. I dont trust him. I feel his shaking hand touch my shoulder and I cringe. "Please baby dont be scared. Im not gonna hurt you. I sware to fucking god." I can feel his fingers on my jawline gently trying to get me to turn my head. I slightly turn and look at him through the strands of my hair in my face. Nikki looks so worried. His face doesnt look twisted and demented anymore. It looks like this may be my Nikki again. He gently moves my hair from my face and looks at me. I can see his eyes swelling with tears as he draws in his breath. His eyes are darting about and seem to take in every square inch of my face. "Baby Im so fucking sorry," he says shaking his head in disbelief.
"Nikki'" I say as if Im genuinely concerned as to wether or not its really him.
"I sware to god baby this will never ever happen again." A tear rolls down his cheek. "Im so sorry baby. Oh god...how can you ever forgive me for this. Now youre going to leave me too arent you?"
Im paralyzed with fear and cant get a word out. I can see Nikkis concern. I can see his tears. But theyre not really registering in my brain.
Nikki lays his head in my lap and clutches at my clothes sobbing. "Im so sorry baby. Please dont leave me too. I-I'll die without you...Ive waited my whole life for someone like you...now youre gonna leave me. Oh god I fucked up. I fucked up baby and Im so sorry...I sware to fucking god it will never happen again...Oh baby Im so sorry...You have no idea how fucking sorry I am...I hate myself so fucking much Jen."
About that time I look down and see red scratch marks accented by little dots of dried blood. The insides of his arms are covered in this. "Your arms..." I say but my words come out sounding hoarse. My throat aches as they come out. I try to swallow but it hurts even worse.
Nikki grabs at me even tightler. His knuckles are white and I can hear him sobbing loudly. "I thought I killed you...I thought...I couldnt live without you. I love you so much Jen"
My heart wants to melt. Hes finally told me he loves me. Yet I still cant forget what has happened. Im still afraid.
"I know I fucked it all up...didnt I? I told you Id only hurt you...and I have. Youre gonna leave me now and its all my goddamn fault...I hate myself for what Ive done to you...I told you I hurt anyone who gets too close...I tried to tell you Jen...I knew Id fuck it all up...I should have pressed down harder and killed myself...I should put my fucking gun in my mouth...I dont deserve to fucking live...All you did was try to help me...just..." His sobs give way and he can no longer get his words out. I look down and gently touch his shoulders in my lap.
"N-Nikki...oh god..." I say and start crying too.
Nikki sits up and takes me in his arms, holding me close to him as we both cry. "I cant live without you Jen...I love you so much...please dont leave me...I swear to fucking god Ill never lay another hand on you. Im so fucking sorry, please dont leave me...Ill die without you baby...I know I will."
I dont know what to say. I dont know what to think. Hes telling me he loves me and I want to believe it. I want to feel it. I want to feel this. "I love you too," I hoarsely say.
Nikki presses his lips to mine and kisses me. He moves away and looks at me with a wet face and red crying eyes. "Oh baby..." He lets out a relieved smile and kisses me again, this time much more passionately. He kisses me for a while. He kisses my neck and hugs me again. We sit there crying and clinging to one another. Then Nikki jerks aray and scrambles across the floor with a hand over his mouth. "Im gonna be sick."
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