Categories > Celebrities > Motley Crue > Saving Nikki
CHAPTER 20: Waiting
I patiently wait over a month to Tell Nikki that I didnt go through with the abortion. However there is never a moment in which I can bring it up. Nikki is back on heroin again. Im two and a half months pregnant and he doesnt even know. My lower stomach is getting hard but he never touches me to feel it. Im running out of time. Soon the whole world is going to know. I know I cant tell them that its Nikki's. All hell would break loose for us if anyone knew. What am I gonna do? I have to just come clean with Nikki and get it over with.
I roll over in the bed and face Nikki. As usual he is nodding in and out of consciousness. He sees me looking at him and reaches over and takes my hand. I look at his loose fingers intertwined in mine.
"Nikki..." I say
"Hum..." he barely manages to moan.
"Do you ever think about the baby?" I ask.
"baby?" He asks as if he has either forgotten or has no clue what Im talking about.
"Yeah...the baby."
"What baby?" He mumbles.
"Our baby Nikki."
"We dont have a baby Jen..." he says trying to look at me.
I look down. "If we did..." I nervously say.
"Theres no baby..."
"I mean if there was...dont you ever think about it?" I ask hopefully.
Nikki looks at me and slightly nods.
"You do?" I ask feeling my heart swell.
"I wish...I wish it never happen...wish I could take it all back."
Im not entirely sure what he means.
"Im a coward...I should have handled shit differently...I should have been there with you...Im sorry I wasn't there."
"How would it be if we had a second chance to do it over? would you do things differently.
He nods. " I would have held your hand...I would have been more careful in the first place."
"Would you have ever wanted to keep it?" I ask.
Nikki sits up and eans over to the nightstand to prep a fix.
"Would you please talk to me...What are you feeling?"
"...Guilt...shame. I regret Im not a better man..." He squeezes some lemon juice into a spoon and begins stirring the heroin in it.
"But the baby..." I ask.
"its better off...better off never being born."
My eyes feel with tears. Its no use. Nikki doesnt want this baby. What am I doing? I cant force him to want it. I cant force something like this on him. It will only make him reject it all the more. I watch as he spikes his vein and lets out that moan he gets when it starts coursing through his veins. Heroin is the only thing he wants. Its the only thing he can truly love. I know what it is I have to do.
In the middle of the night while Nikki slept in a doped out coma I packed my things. It was time for me to go before the baby became obvious. I would just have it on my own without Nikki. God knows I love him, but I love our baby more. I have only one place to go and thats back to my parents. How will I ever explain this to them?
So I boarded a flight for Charleston. Im scared. Im all alone. And Im pregnant with Nikki Sixx's baby. I know I cant tell my parents that Im knocked up by a roc star on heroin. I have to come up with something to tell them. Part of me wonders if Nikki will look for me. Hes so high and out of it he may not even realize Im gone. Either way, I have to do whats right. I have to fight for my baby.
I patiently wait over a month to Tell Nikki that I didnt go through with the abortion. However there is never a moment in which I can bring it up. Nikki is back on heroin again. Im two and a half months pregnant and he doesnt even know. My lower stomach is getting hard but he never touches me to feel it. Im running out of time. Soon the whole world is going to know. I know I cant tell them that its Nikki's. All hell would break loose for us if anyone knew. What am I gonna do? I have to just come clean with Nikki and get it over with.
I roll over in the bed and face Nikki. As usual he is nodding in and out of consciousness. He sees me looking at him and reaches over and takes my hand. I look at his loose fingers intertwined in mine.
"Nikki..." I say
"Hum..." he barely manages to moan.
"Do you ever think about the baby?" I ask.
"baby?" He asks as if he has either forgotten or has no clue what Im talking about.
"Yeah...the baby."
"What baby?" He mumbles.
"Our baby Nikki."
"We dont have a baby Jen..." he says trying to look at me.
I look down. "If we did..." I nervously say.
"Theres no baby..."
"I mean if there was...dont you ever think about it?" I ask hopefully.
Nikki looks at me and slightly nods.
"You do?" I ask feeling my heart swell.
"I wish...I wish it never happen...wish I could take it all back."
Im not entirely sure what he means.
"Im a coward...I should have handled shit differently...I should have been there with you...Im sorry I wasn't there."
"How would it be if we had a second chance to do it over? would you do things differently.
He nods. " I would have held your hand...I would have been more careful in the first place."
"Would you have ever wanted to keep it?" I ask.
Nikki sits up and eans over to the nightstand to prep a fix.
"Would you please talk to me...What are you feeling?"
"...Guilt...shame. I regret Im not a better man..." He squeezes some lemon juice into a spoon and begins stirring the heroin in it.
"But the baby..." I ask.
"its better off...better off never being born."
My eyes feel with tears. Its no use. Nikki doesnt want this baby. What am I doing? I cant force him to want it. I cant force something like this on him. It will only make him reject it all the more. I watch as he spikes his vein and lets out that moan he gets when it starts coursing through his veins. Heroin is the only thing he wants. Its the only thing he can truly love. I know what it is I have to do.
In the middle of the night while Nikki slept in a doped out coma I packed my things. It was time for me to go before the baby became obvious. I would just have it on my own without Nikki. God knows I love him, but I love our baby more. I have only one place to go and thats back to my parents. How will I ever explain this to them?
So I boarded a flight for Charleston. Im scared. Im all alone. And Im pregnant with Nikki Sixx's baby. I know I cant tell my parents that Im knocked up by a roc star on heroin. I have to come up with something to tell them. Part of me wonders if Nikki will look for me. Hes so high and out of it he may not even realize Im gone. Either way, I have to do whats right. I have to fight for my baby.
Sign up to rate and review this story