Categories > Celebrities > Motley Crue > Saving Nikki
CHAPTER 22: Without You
NIKKI'S P.O.V
My head is reeling from too much coke. Slight paranoia is setting in because I can sware I hear people talking about me in the hallway. Nothing a little heroin cant fix. I find myself staying even more loaded than normal. Its difficult to get through the shows. Last night I sat on Tommy's drum rising for over half of the show. Im drinking almost three fifth of Jack a day. I guess I just dont care anymore. What reason is there to care anymore? Jen is gone. She was the only thing I got out of bed for. She was that tiny sense of reason in the back of my head that told me "No Sixx, dont shoot up 10 cc's." She was what little restraint I had. But now shes gone and Im worse off than I was before I met her.
Im puking and pissing blood again. I have to wear hats or bandannas all the time because Ive lost so much hair I almost look like a cancer patient. Ive had to resort to shooting up in my neck and dick now because all the rest of the veins in my body have dried up. My skin is a greenish grey again. My eyes are sunk so far into my head they look like they may soon come out of the back. The black circle around them never fade. I look like Im in vampire make up for halloween when I apply the eyeliner before a show.
I feel like shit. I feel like Im at deaths door knocking and no one will let me in. I dont even care anymore. I have no desire to save myself. Jen was my only reason for caring and shes gone. I dont even know how long its been since she left. But when she did she took all that was still good in me with her. I have no reason to live without her. I long for death. I long for the release from this fucked up mangled coil. There has to be something more than this. Jen was trying to show me and give me more but I fucked it all up.
I said and did so many wrong things. I hurt her in so many ways. She never did anything but love me and what did I do? I broke her heart and chased her away. I honestly cant blame her. Its a miracle she put up with me as long as she did. She had to be some sort of an angel. What girl in her right mind could love a junkie like me? Im unlovable. Im like a tornado that destroys everything in my path. Even my own parents had the sense to abandon me. They must have known all along that I was no good.
My mind wanders off to one of the last things Jen said to me. She asked me if I ever thought about the baby. I should have said yes. I did think about the baby I made her kill. I felt awful about it but I just couldnt talk about it with her. I didnt know how. All I knew how to do was kill it and numb it with heroin. I should have opened up to her. Now its too late. Now I find myself thinking about that baby all the time. I cant help but think that Jen might still be her if it wasnt for that abortion. Im such an asshole for forcing her to go through with it.
Did I make the wrong choice? Should I have played the hand I was dealt? I could have at least tried. I should have tried. Looking back I dont really think I looked at the baby as the end of the world. I think I looked at it as a reason that I would stop having to use drugs? What is wrong with me? The rest of the guys know when to stop. Why cant I ever see when its time to stop? Why do I love the drugs so much. They continue to take and take from me but I love them still. Theyre killing me and Im graciously letting them. What the fuck is wrong with me? At this rate I will never see my 30th birthday. Go ahead, ask me if I even care.
Im honestly ready for it all to just be over. Its not fun anymore. Nothing is fun anymore. I remember when music was my life and my wife. Slowly Im throwing it away. Im too loaded to try to write songs. Im too loaded to play an entire show without sitting down. Im too loaded to meet fans. Im too loaded to talk to reporters. In all of my publicity shots I look awful, riddled from the years of hard drug use. There is but one thought on my brain most of the time...dope.
I miss the ambition I used to have to be a rock star. I truly was unstoppable. I lived and breathed music. All I wanted was a record deal. I never gave any thought to all the things that would come with it. I dont think any of us did. Ignorance was such bliss. Fame has changed me and its not for the better. Its turned me into a junkie. I dont know who my real friends are. Im surrounded by people who just want to be close to a rock star. Jen was the only one that was different. I knew I would only hurt her. I hate myself for hurting her.
I wonder where she is. I wonder if shes happy. Does she think about me or miss me at all? Has she moved on yet? Has she found someone who will love her the way she deserves to be loved? Some one who wont hit her or choke her or call her names? She deserves the best. Some one should have given her a trophy for dealing with me for so long. At least she had the good sense to cut her losses and get the hell away from my toxicity. I honestly wish her all the best.
NIKKI'S P.O.V
My head is reeling from too much coke. Slight paranoia is setting in because I can sware I hear people talking about me in the hallway. Nothing a little heroin cant fix. I find myself staying even more loaded than normal. Its difficult to get through the shows. Last night I sat on Tommy's drum rising for over half of the show. Im drinking almost three fifth of Jack a day. I guess I just dont care anymore. What reason is there to care anymore? Jen is gone. She was the only thing I got out of bed for. She was that tiny sense of reason in the back of my head that told me "No Sixx, dont shoot up 10 cc's." She was what little restraint I had. But now shes gone and Im worse off than I was before I met her.
Im puking and pissing blood again. I have to wear hats or bandannas all the time because Ive lost so much hair I almost look like a cancer patient. Ive had to resort to shooting up in my neck and dick now because all the rest of the veins in my body have dried up. My skin is a greenish grey again. My eyes are sunk so far into my head they look like they may soon come out of the back. The black circle around them never fade. I look like Im in vampire make up for halloween when I apply the eyeliner before a show.
I feel like shit. I feel like Im at deaths door knocking and no one will let me in. I dont even care anymore. I have no desire to save myself. Jen was my only reason for caring and shes gone. I dont even know how long its been since she left. But when she did she took all that was still good in me with her. I have no reason to live without her. I long for death. I long for the release from this fucked up mangled coil. There has to be something more than this. Jen was trying to show me and give me more but I fucked it all up.
I said and did so many wrong things. I hurt her in so many ways. She never did anything but love me and what did I do? I broke her heart and chased her away. I honestly cant blame her. Its a miracle she put up with me as long as she did. She had to be some sort of an angel. What girl in her right mind could love a junkie like me? Im unlovable. Im like a tornado that destroys everything in my path. Even my own parents had the sense to abandon me. They must have known all along that I was no good.
My mind wanders off to one of the last things Jen said to me. She asked me if I ever thought about the baby. I should have said yes. I did think about the baby I made her kill. I felt awful about it but I just couldnt talk about it with her. I didnt know how. All I knew how to do was kill it and numb it with heroin. I should have opened up to her. Now its too late. Now I find myself thinking about that baby all the time. I cant help but think that Jen might still be her if it wasnt for that abortion. Im such an asshole for forcing her to go through with it.
Did I make the wrong choice? Should I have played the hand I was dealt? I could have at least tried. I should have tried. Looking back I dont really think I looked at the baby as the end of the world. I think I looked at it as a reason that I would stop having to use drugs? What is wrong with me? The rest of the guys know when to stop. Why cant I ever see when its time to stop? Why do I love the drugs so much. They continue to take and take from me but I love them still. Theyre killing me and Im graciously letting them. What the fuck is wrong with me? At this rate I will never see my 30th birthday. Go ahead, ask me if I even care.
Im honestly ready for it all to just be over. Its not fun anymore. Nothing is fun anymore. I remember when music was my life and my wife. Slowly Im throwing it away. Im too loaded to try to write songs. Im too loaded to play an entire show without sitting down. Im too loaded to meet fans. Im too loaded to talk to reporters. In all of my publicity shots I look awful, riddled from the years of hard drug use. There is but one thought on my brain most of the time...dope.
I miss the ambition I used to have to be a rock star. I truly was unstoppable. I lived and breathed music. All I wanted was a record deal. I never gave any thought to all the things that would come with it. I dont think any of us did. Ignorance was such bliss. Fame has changed me and its not for the better. Its turned me into a junkie. I dont know who my real friends are. Im surrounded by people who just want to be close to a rock star. Jen was the only one that was different. I knew I would only hurt her. I hate myself for hurting her.
I wonder where she is. I wonder if shes happy. Does she think about me or miss me at all? Has she moved on yet? Has she found someone who will love her the way she deserves to be loved? Some one who wont hit her or choke her or call her names? She deserves the best. Some one should have given her a trophy for dealing with me for so long. At least she had the good sense to cut her losses and get the hell away from my toxicity. I honestly wish her all the best.
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