FicWad

The bus jolted along the road. I turned the page of the novel I was reading. I read the same paragraph five times then stopped and looked out the window. Five days before we would be back home. I sighed. I had been feeling almost hysterical the last couple of days, on the verge of laughing and crying and screaming and throwing up all at the same time. Jason was trying to avoid me the best he could, which proved to be quite a task since I was his roadie. He wouldn’t talk to me or look at me, the same did the other instrument techs and I wasn’t looking forward talking to them either. I registered no strange behavior from the others, so I guessed that no one of those who knew had talked about what had happened. What I had done. What in the motherfucking hell I had done. I couldn’t even think about it. Bite the bullet for other five days.
I went back to the book and realized I didn’t even remember what I had been reading. ‘Kindred’ by Octavia Butler. What was it about? I had began it two hours before and didn’t make it past the second page. The bus jolted again. I realized that no music was coming from my earphones. What was I supposed to be listening to? ‘Day of Reckoning’ by Pentagram. I turned over the tape and started over again the novel. Five days more.

That night I stayed at the hotel, lying in my bed channel zapping; I had been avoiding as much contact with everyone as possible. It was kind of late when abruptly the door was thrown open and Leonard, Kirk’s tech, barged into the room. He staggered along mumbling something; he clearly had been drinking, which wasn’t exactly news with those guys. But then he looked at me with an expression that made my blood run cold.
“Oh, look, little April’s here. Watcha doing, slutty girl?”
I slowly rose to my feet always looking at him, putting the bed between us. I had a very bad feeling about what was going to happen.
“I feel like shit.” He continued. “I bet you know it. How it feels like. And how to feel better.” He moved towards me, I moved backwards. Could I run away past him? Could I make it to the bathroom and close myself in it?
“C’mere, don’t make me be a jerk.”
He circled the bed to reach me, I backed away. I tried to consider what I could do, where I could go. If I tried to scream, would someone rush to my aid, or would I just anger him? I couldn’t do it anyway, my voice was stuck in my throat.
“Or you’re one of those whores who don’t fuck down the social scale, uh?”
“Len,” I tried to speak. My voice sounded so tiny and broken. “you’re drunk. Calm down, will ya?”
He moved fast, incredibly fast for a drunk man, and grabbed my wrists. His grip was strong and painful, I tried to break free with no success. “Len, let me go, what are you doing? Let me go, Len.”
I tried to kick him in the crotch but missed, hitting his inner thigh instead; luckily, that worked too and he let me go with a grunt. Suddenly, Leonard was off me and up against the wall; John had him pinned.
“Are you ok?” Todd asked me. The guys had come just right in time. I nodded, trying to stop shaking.
“What… what happened to him? Why…”
He shook his head. “Too much to drink, too low opinion of you.”
“What?” I noticed that Todd was looking at me with contempt.
“What a great idea, jumping in the arms of your ex-boyfriend’s friend.”
“That’s the problem? That’s why he attacked me? I can’t believe it!”
“You like fucking, don’t you? So what’s the matter?” Grumbled Len.
Shock was quickly replaced by fury. “Is this what you were thinking? That now I have to say yes to everything and everyone? That I’m some kind of common property? Fuck you. Fuck you!”
“Cool out, he’s drunk, he doesn’t really mean it.” Said John.
“He tried to assault me!”
“He’s drunk!”
“That’s. no. excuse.” I hissed. “And by the way, what happened between Kirk, Jason and me is none of your goddamn business. Don’t tell anyone and don’t try to play the moral guardians with me.”

I stormed out of the room and went straight to the hall; there was a couch near the receptionist desk and I sat on it. I needed to be in a public space. I rubbed my eyes with my hands and took a decision: it was time for me to focus on the future and plan about what to do. A few people entered the hotel and Jason was among them. He saw me and, after a moment of indecision, came and sat down next to me.
“Hey.” He said.
“Hey. You’re talking to me.”
“Yeah, sorry I ignored you, but I didn’t know what to do.”
“I know, I’m sorry.” I sighed. “I’m sorry I seduced you and pulled you into my mess. God, I practically used you to feel better.”
“There are definitely worse ways of being used, trust me.” Jason laughed uncomfortably. “And it’s not like I backed off.”
“But I initiated it, and now…” Right, what now? I was so selfish I didn’t even think about the possible consequences for Jason.
“You had already broken up with Kirk, so it’s not like you cheated on him; and he doesn’t have to know, anyway.”
“I’m not worried for myself, I’m worried for you.” He looked puzzled, so I explained. “Jason, I’m out of Kirk’s life now, but you are his bandmate. If he were to know about what we’ve done, he wouldn’t be cool with it at all, and you would be the one to pay for it. Kirk’s the one in the band who has warmed up to you the most, you cannot afford to be on his bad side.”
“April, I’m not that much of a pushover, I can handle myself.”
“Jase, you had a very bad case of hero worship when you joined Metallica, and allowed them to get as much power over you as they wanted. You’re very unlikely to get it back now.”
He looked really offended, but knew that I wasn’t all wrong. “Ok, well, I’ve already asked John, Todd and Len to forget about what they’ve seen, and I don’t think they want to cause any problems, so I suppose we got it covered.”
“How did they know about it, anyway?”
“They walked in as I was getting dressed.” He explained. “But what about you? What are you going to do?”
“Go away.” I said on the spur of the moment. “Collect all the money I’ve got and get out of Kirk’s house before he comes back from South America; maybe stay at a friend’s for a little while. Call Debbie,” Debbie Abono was a nice old lady who managed metal bands and was friends with Metallica. I met her once after Geryon had split up and she told me to call her whenever I wanted some help to form a new band. “and move on with my life.”
“You could be my guest.” I raised my eyebrows at Jason’s proposal.
“Kirk wouldn’t like that either. I have to go, leave behind my current life.”
“So our friendship doesn’t mean anything to you.” He said coldly. I put my hand on his and squeezed it.
“Jason, you are a good friend and I’m going to miss you a lot, but…”
“I like you.” He blurted out. “Why do you think I slept with you? I like you a lot. When I realized it years ago, you were completely off limits so I just repressed my feelings. I even thought I was over it, but it’s not true.”
I was shocked by that declaration. I had never suspected such an interest from Jason’s side, probably because I only had eyes for Kirk when I was with him. “Jason, I… I don’t know what to say. I mean, you are a good friend and a cute guy, but nothing can happen between us, things are too fucked up. Maybe it’s better for you to forget about me.”
“I can’t. And even if I could, I wouldn’t want to.”
“Listen, you are a lovely guy, but dating is completely out of question. It was a pleasure to be your friend, but it’s over now. I’m sorry I messed things up.”
He didn’t talk nor looked at me. I stood up and went to ask if someone of the crew guys was ok with switching rooms with me; I advanced a generic quarrel as excuse. Maybe I should have spoken about Len’s attack, but I was way too jaded to face the following uproar.

Three days. Three days left and I was perpetually on the edge of smashing my head against the wall. I had gained the despise of three buddies who turned out to be not so friendly overall, I had alienated a dear friend who had some kind of crush on me, I had broken up with my junkie boyfriend. Yet, I had a plan. Well, a plan in the making, but I was looking at the future with a not-so-grim look. More than anything, I wanted that fucking tour to be over.
I had been invited to a pub by some of the roadies; they said they wanted to cheer me up, that life wasn’t over. Bless their hearts, if only they knew… I wasn’t in a chatty mood at all anyway, so I was quickly left by myself staring into a cocktail I hadn’t even touched, thinking over and over again about what I would do once at home, going into every detail.

James came and sat next to me. “I propose a toast.” He said, raising his glass.
“What to?” I asked.
“To a newfound freedom and all that follows.”
“What is that supposed to mean?” I already had had enough shit thrown at me for my liking, I really didn’t need his sarcasm. “It’s not exactly something I was looking forward.”
“Maybe not, but you cannot deny it has its fucking advantages.”
“Still not following you.”
“You can find consolation in the arms of someone else, for example. Isn’t it tiring to fuck the same person over and over again?”
I gave him a dirty look, “You don’t know shit, Hetfield.”
“Really? Enlighten me, then; who’s better, the Hamster or the Newkid?”
My eyes widened in shock. “What.. how…”
“How do I know it? I overheard a couple of roadies talking about how they caught ‘Jizz-on-you-sted’ getting dressed in your room. While you were sleeping naked in your bed. Any intention in trying the whole band? Because I’m available at any time.” He grinned evilly.
“It’s not what you think! Jason and I…”
“Are in love? Found some comfort from the sorrows of life in each other’s arms? That’s so adorable. But I still think you should give me a try, I have made more than a woman forget about anything but my name.”
“Stop it, stop immediately.”
“I’ll let you know that my dick is a great comfort to the soul, you should take a ride on it.”
“You have no right…”
“You have no right to fuck with my band. If your little adventure with Jason was to reach Kirk’s ear…”
“Nobody was supposed to know. Those idiots should learn to keep their mouths shut and mind their own business.”
“Agreed, that’s what I told them. But you and Jason…”
“I’m not planning to date Jason.”
“Does he know that?”
“Yes, we’ve already discussed that, and since when you worry about him?”
“A whiny, lovesick bassist is a pain in the ass, but since you won’t dump him out of nowhere, his little heart won’t break.”
“Don’t worry, after this tour I’ll be gone for good, out of your band and your lives forever.”
“Fucking excellent. Good riddance, I hope you go far.”
I was pissed, downright pissed, but since I didn’t want to start a verbal fight, I grabbed my coat and left the table.

‘“I mean, I thought you could help me to understand him better. I consider him a friend and I’ve known him for years, but I had never realized how controlling and temperamental he could be since I started working for the band.”
Kristen stayed quiet for a while, then asked me: “How much do you know him?”
“Well, not very well, I have to say. We’re not best buddies, and he’s not exactly the most talkative person.”
She nodded. “You are right, he’s not, and I don’t want to break his trust by saying too much.”
“I’m not asking you to tell me all of his secrets, it’s just that he gets so much on my nerves sometimes, I don’t know how to handle him.”
“He has issues, you can easily see that. He had a bad childhood and lost one of his dearest friends. He just tries to cope with all this trauma the best way he knows. Which is quite poor, I admit.”
“I see. But he doesn’t seem to share his feelings with anyone. Except you.”
“A lot of it has to do with this fucked up macho mentality. He doesn’t want to admit any weakness or show his pain to anyone, especially other men.”
“He talks to you.”
“I’m not his therapist, and I don’t play the saviour game. Whenever he decides to face is demons, I’ll be there for him. I love James, but I’m not so delusional to think that anything but a professional help can solve his inner problems.”
“But –sorry if I ask this– why are you with him? No offense, I just…”
“I know what you mean. You know, in the beginning, I didn’t want to have anything to do with him. We met when he befriended a friend of mine and started coming to a few parties and he first attracted the attention of two girls I know who, let’s put it this way, have really shitty tastes in men.”
“And that put you off, I guess.”
“Yeah, one of them looks for the worst basket cases and tries to fix them. Probably she likes to feel indispensable. The other one is attracted to jerks, plain and simple; it gives her some kind of thrill or something like that.”
“The typical girls who always excuse the worst kinds of mistreatment, right?”
“Yeah, “He’s just too passionate, you know? He acts the way he does because he cares a lot!” Every kind of attention is better than no attention at all for these women.”
“James must have looked like the perfect specimen, so aloof, but also so quick to anger.”
“Add to that my prejudice against rockstars; I generally consider them a bunch of egotistical assholes who use other people as commodities, especially women, whom they reduce to objects to exploit for their self gratification.”
“What made you change your mind?”
“The fact that he was shy when he approached me, and opened up enough to let me see the lovely guy behind the surface. He’s always been caring and respectful to me; believe me, I wouldn’t stay with him if he didn’t treat me well. Maybe a part of me likes it that he shows his soft side only to me.” She smiled. “Of course, it’s not easy, the way he deals with himself and the rest of the world, and I can only imagine how hard it can get on tour. Listen, the only thing you have to keep in mind is that Metallica is and will always be his first priority, the most important thing he has. The band is his life, nothing and no one messes with it.”’

“It’s a pity, though.” Said James before I could walk away. I stopped and looked at him.
“He’s a fool. Kirk, I mean. Fucking up what he had with you.”
I nodded and left. Well, at least he doesn’t hate me.

I went back to the hotel and rummaged through my suitcase until I found what I was looking for: ‘The Case of Charles Dexter Ward’ by Lovecraft. It was the book I gave to Cliff for what turned out to be his last birthday. After his death, his parents decided to let his closest friend take a few items from Cliff’s stuff; Metallica took, between other things, one of his basses, and another one went to Audrey, a former girlfriend of his. So I decided to take back that book because Cliff and Corinne had filled the margins with their notes; sometimes they would read a book at the same times ad write down their own impressions about it. I opened the first page, ‘To Cliff. Don’t play with forces you don’t understand. April’ was the dedication I had written; ‘Master the power of the Unknown.’ was the response he had written below. I laid on the bed and began skimming through the notes; I knew them by heart at that point, but reading them was always comforting. Sometimes I would bring that book with me to remind myself of Cliff and Corinne. What would they say? I would ask myself when in doubt, and I had been full of doubts for months by then. Not that Cliff and Corinne were perfect and always knew what to do, but they always offered a different point of view and made you look at things from a new angle. They were so bright and insightful. What would they tell me to do now? What would they think of all this? But they couldn’t help me anymore, I had to find the answers by myself.


Author’s note: This chapter came out so long I had to split it in two. The final part will be up next week. Merry Christmas/Happy Holydays, by the way.