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I'm not crazy about this song, but it fits the chapter. Enjoy!

IF IT’S LOVE-Train

Later that day after they’d assured everyone that they were still alive, Brendon happened upon Ryan’s laptop that had been left open. From the half-shut top, Brendon was able to make out the familiar image of the poetry website that he’d looked at so much before. Ryan was in the bedroom, cleaning and making space, and Brendon was on his way to help, until he saw that.

Extremely curious, Brendon sat down in the chair and pulled the computer into his lap. As always, he knew that it was probably wrong, but then he saw the poem and he began to doubt that conclusion. Logically, Brendon wasn’t going to go all the way back over the years, but it was the poem most recently looked at that caught his attention anyway.

It was by Simon Armitage and it was simply entitled: Give. It was short and when Brendon was done reading through it he was smiling. The little story that it told wasn’t extremely accurate to their situation, but Brendon thought that it was right, especially since he identified with the narrator. He returned the laptop to its position on the table and got up to help Ryan with the bedroom that was now partially his.

*****

1 Year Later

Brendon was waking up and there was a noticeable absence of warmth by his side. He cracked one eye open and saw that Ryan was indeed not in their bed with him. Confused and bothered by this fact, Brendon sat up and looked around the room to see if maybe his best friend and significant other of a year was maybe somewhere else for some reason. From what he could see, that was not the case.

Frowning, he dropped onto his back and sucked in a breath, ready to find Ryan. “I’m right here in the kitchen you lazy asshole,” Ryan called before Brendon got the chance to yell for him.

With that mystery solved and another arising, Brendon rolled out of bed and made his way into the kitchen. He leaned against the doorway and frowned at Ryan. “You’re supposed to be nice to me on my birthday.”

“What does it look like I’m doing?” Ryan half-turned, showing Brendon the bowl of some kind of batter, one eyebrow raised. The look on his face softened a little, then. “Good morning and happy twenty-seventh, though.”

Brendon smiled a little and shifted away from the frame of the door and walked over to Ryan to kiss him before going to the table. From his seat, Brendon looked over at Ryan and smiled as he watched the other boy making him breakfast. “I love you, Ryan.”

Ryan turned around again and flashed a smile. “Good. I love you, too.”

After a few more minutes of nice silence, Ryan was finally able to put whatever he was making in the oven and he walked over to sit across from Brendon.

“So, aside from sex, what do you want to do today?” Damn, Ryan knew him so well.

Brendon thought about it for a second. “Honestly, I just want to hang out with you and the other guys. We could all go out somewhere. I know that you aren’t the type to throw me a surprise party, but I wouldn’t put it past Spencer, Dallon, Zack, Shane, or Alex. And you either don’t know about it either or you won’t tell me, so speculating about that is pointless.”

Ryan smiled a little bit and nodded. “Your plan sounds nice, though. You can go ahead and call them if you want.” Then the oven started beeping and Ryan got up to turn it off and get the food out.

“You made chocolate muffins?” Brendon asked, sitting up more. “I love chocolate muffins.” Ryan sat down across from him and smiled a little bit, grabbing one of the muffins.

“That’s not why I made them at all.” Ryan took a bite and fixed Brendon with a look, not blinking when Brendon flipped him off.

“Thank you,” Brendon grumbled, taking a bite of his own muffin. It was really good and Ryan must have guessed because he smirked and Brendon’s scowl deepened. “Stop being smug about it. It’s a chocolate muffin and you’re usually a good cook, so there was no way for it to be bad. I can make them, too.” Throughout the complaint, Ryan’s smile just got wider and Brendon eventually gave up, eating the rest of the muffin and looking at the table.

Ryan laughed a little, then there was the sound of Ryan walking closer, and Brendon had the soft pressure of the other’s lips on his own. They were smiling and he really couldn’t help himself returning both the kiss and the smile. When Ryan moved back far enough to look Brendon in the eyes, he was still smiling. The hazel orbs contained only deep affection and slight amusement and Brendon felt that swelling of love in his chest again.

“Shall we get the day started, then?” the brown-haired man asked, extending a hand for Brendon to take. Brendon pushed the chair back and stood up, taking Ryan’s hand in his and leading him toward their bedroom.

*****

“Goddamn, I love you so much,” Brendon said breathlessly, rolling over onto his stomach. Ryan breathed out a laugh and laid over him, kissing his bare shoulder.

“I take it you liked your present, then.”

“That better not have been my only present.”

“Greedy aren’t we? It’s not your only present.” Ryan kissed him again and shifted on the bed so he was closer to Brendon’s face. “I love you, too.” He moved so their lips were pressed together and Brendon sighed, rolling so Ryan was spread on top of him.

“You fucking better,” Brendon warned when the kiss broke. Ryan simply smiled and kissed him on the cheek, moving down and leaving kisses on Brendon’s throat and collarbone. He stopped when he reached the hollow of the collarbone and smiled up at Brendon again.

Brendon was already breathing a little bit harder and he moved Ryan gently away, not quite pushing him. “We should get cleaned up and call the others then,” he said, sitting up and letting the blankets pool in his lap. Ryan smirked and climbed out of bed first, followed closely by Brendon.

It was strange for Brendon to pass up sex, but he knew that if he didn’t break it off then, he would end up spending the rest of his day in bed with Ryan. There was plenty of time later that night, too. And there was no point in disappointing his friends who had probably set up some kind of party for him. They would understand, but Brendon didn’t want to disappoint.

Their shower was fairly quick and soon Brendon was pulling on new jeans and a button-up shirt. “You don’t have to call and see if they’re available. All of them are,” Ryan called out from the closet where he was trying to find some specific piece of clothing. Brendon smiled to himself at the confirmation of what he already knew.

“So, should I call them and let them know that I’m ready? Or are they just going to come here and kidnap me?” Brendon asked when Ryan emerged, shrugging on a black leather jacket.

“I can’t tell you that much. I know the answer but I can’t tell you.” He shrugged at Brendon’s responding glare. “I was sworn to secrecy. You know how Spencer can be.”

Brendon sighed and dropped onto the bed, knowing exactly what Ryan meant. “Do I look okay?” he asked, still staring at the ceiling.

“What do you mean? No one’s going to care how you’re dressed and it’s not like you care what they think anyway.”

“I care what you think,” Brendon said quietly.

Ryan was hovering above him, then. He held out his hands and Brendon took them, accepting Ryan pulling him up to stand in front of him. It looked like he was about to say something but Brendon stopped him.

“I just want to be good enough for you.” Brendon wasn’t sure why, but it was one of those rare moments when Ryan needed to hear, from him, just how much he meant to Brendon. Every now and again Brendon had to tell Ryan, or remind him, of the fact that he found Ryan the most important person in his life.

Again, it looked like Ryan wanted to say something but he shook his head and put a hand on Brendon’s shoulder, leaning forward and kissing him slowly. “Don’t worry about it. You’re far past “good enough”.” There was a warm smile on his face and Brendon reached down for Ryan’s hand, smiling back.

*****

“Finally the lovebirds get here,” Dallon said when Brendon and Ryan got out in the parking lot. Spencer had come up with the idea of calling them ‘the lovebirds’ because it was a way to refer to the both of them “quickly”. Neither of them cared.

“And the birthday boy!” Jon walked forward and hugged Brendon, smiling. His wife was with him and she gave him a quick hug as well.

“Hey, Walkers, it’s been a while. Where’s Spence?”

“Right here. Nice to see you two finally.” Spencer walked up and gave Brendon a quick hug, moving and doing the same to Ryan.

“We’re not late. I don’t know why you’re acting like you’ve been waiting for hours,” Ryan commented. Spencer just rolled his eyes and sent Ryan a look in their special “we’ve known each other forever” language.

“You’re right, we just pulled up. It’s been maybe two minutes. Hi Brendon, Ryan.” It was Sarah. She was great friends with Spencer’s fiancé, and it wasn’t awkward anymore between her and Brendon. More than that, though, she and Ryan seemed to get along amazingly.

“So, you’re twenty-seven now. Older and older,” Alex said, throwing an arm around Brendon’s shoulders. Brendon could see Ryan rolling his eyes.

“Well, that is how birthdays and years work. And you’re older than I am.”

“I know, you’re catching up with the grown-ups.” Alex let go then and pushed away.

“What are we doing, then, Smith? You’re the one who set all of this up,” Shane pointed out. “We helped, but it was your idea. When are we leaving?”

Brendon stopped. ‘Leaving?’. “I don’t like where this is going. What are we doing?”

“That’s the point of a surprise, Bren, you don’t know until it happens,” Spencer pointed out, putting a hand on his shoulder and grinning before walking ahead so he was leading the way down the street. Everyone else continued walking, too.

Brendon looked at Ryan for help. “Don’t worry, you’ll like it. It’s going to be fine,” the man replied, putting his hands on Brendon’s shoulders and walking him forward, walking with him.

“Ryan’s right,” Sarah supplied, putting a hand on Brendon’s upper arm and walking with them. “You’re going to really like the surprise. It’s definitely you.”

“You all had something to do with this?” Brendon asked, looking around the group that was going down the sidewalk. The Walkers were side by side, leaning into each other and talking to Alex as they walked. Spencer was still in the lead and his fiancé was right behind him, talking to Shane and Dallon. Danny was supposed to be on his way and there was a good chance that Pete and some of the other “band-friends” were going to be there as well. Brendon looked at Ryan and Sarah, one on either side of him, and he was tempted to smile.

Ryan grimaced a little. “Yeah, we all helped plan and set this up.”

“Did it cost a kidney or something?” Brendon asked, noticing the look.

“No, it was just time-consuming to plan, but Ryan still wanted to be heavily involved in the set-up. Danny did a little but he was still working on their music,” Sarah answered. Brendon nodded, so that was why Ryan had been stressed lately and why he wouldn’t tell Brendon anything about the real reason. Brendon looked over at the boy that he loved, smiling.

Up ahead, Spencer and the rest of the group stopped. A wave of trepidation crept up and Brendon swallowed it down, continuing forward with Ryan and Sarah. “I told you, you’re going to love it,” Ryan whispered in his ear as they walked. “Just relax.”

Everyone was waiting and they turned to smile at him when he joined them. Lucky for all of them—and him—he trusted Ryan too much to let himself go back to the car or demand that they tell him what this was because the smiles trained on him unnerved him a little. Brendon just looked at the building that they stopped in front of. It looked like a warehouse and Brendon glanced at the people around him. They were all still smiling and he guessed that he was supposed to open the doors.

He stepped forward and grabbed hold of the handle, pulling up and letting go as the door opened the rest of the way. What was inside stopped him in the doorway even as his friends all pushed past him into the warehouse. Brendon could sense the smile on Ryan’s face, though, as he grabbed Brendon’s sleeve and pulled him into the building.

There were pictures of him in a sort of collage on one wall. They moved up through all the years, baby pictures and pictures of him as a little kid with his family, elementary school, junior high, high school, and there were the pictures of him and the guys with the band. Brendon stood there and glanced over them, knowing that he would go through in more detail later, but for now he was letting the glances take him through the memories.

Ryan tapped him on the shoulder and smiled a little bit, drawing Brendon’s eyes away from the pictures so he could take in the table with the food and alcohol—a must with the group that was at the party—another table that had birthday cards on it, the stereo system on the other side of the building, and the group of people who had joined together to set this up.

A smile broke out on Brendon’s face that was impossible to contain. A slim hand closed around his own and led him further into the building and back to the group of friends that was still smiling at him.

*****

Pete, Gabe, William, and Patrick were all able to make it for the birthday party and Pete and Patrick were the first ones that came up to him to talk.

“Look at our little boy, Trick. All grown up into a man who can manage himself,” Pete said proudly after Brendon had greeted both of them. Pete was beaming and Patrick’s smile was wide, too.

“I know, and it only took a few years.” Patrick seemed a little proud, too.

“Oh shut up, I had help from Spencer and Dallon and a lot from you two. I couldn’t hold something so big on my own shoulders. I’ve had way too many people to count helping me,” Brendon protested, looking out over the crowd, his eyes landing on Ryan last. The other two just smiled at him again.

“We know, Urie. That’s how everything is. It doesn’t mean that you aren’t still impressive, though,” Pete replied, also looking at everyone. “Now, go out and talk to some other people. Patrick and I have business to discuss.” Brendon looked at the other man and saw that Patrick looked a little less excited about this discussion.

“Brendon!” It was Spencer and Brendon turned to watch him approach. He could see the question in Spencer’s expression and he smiled a little as his friend looked at him expectantly.

“This is incredible, Spence. I can’t believe that you’re the one who thought of this idea.”

“I just had the idea to throw you something that was relatively simple but in a large space and with most of our friends. The warehouse was actually not my idea, I think it was Jon’s. And the pictures, that was Ryan’s idea.”

Brendon looked again at the wall full of pictures of him and smiled a little bit, restraining from rolling his eyes. “Of course it was.”

“Everyone here did help out, though, by bringing food and helping to set up the space. I know that you love big deals made of everything, but I thought that you might like this idea, too.” Spencer was obviously searching for Brendon’s approval and once he knew what Brendon thought of the idea, he was going to tell everyone else. Brendon hid his smirk.

“I do.” He turned to Spencer. “Spence, I really do like this. Thank you.” Spencer grinned and clapped him on the shoulder. Someone from across the room called for him then and he left, giving Brendon one last smile.

“Having a good birthday so far?” a voice asked him, long arms wrapping around his shoulders from behind. Brendon smiled wildly without any hesitation and tipped his head back to rest on the shoulder of the man behind him.

“Fantastic,” he answered, happy when Ryan grinned right back at him. They both knew why, of course, they were called ‘the lovebirds’. “This is all actually kind of amazing. And the pictures, Spence said that you came up with the idea of the pictures?”

“Yeah, I got a lot of them from Kara by email.” There was an odd look on Ryan’s face then, but Brendon wasn’t sure what to call it and it was gone before he was able to think about it more. “You really like this, though?”

Brendon decided to shelf the issue and sighed. “Why does everyone think that I might not like this? I like simple things once and a while.”

“Right, once and a while. I’m glad that you like this, though. You’re going to like it even more later.” There was a secretive smile on Ryan’s face and Brendon knew that this information wasn’t going to be revealed to him.

“I hope so. How much later? You could tell me that much at least.”

Ryan looked around, seeming to judge the activity in the room. “Soon. Less than an hour.” He turned his attention back to Brendon, then. “Do you think you can wait that long?”

“You say that it’s a good surprise?” Brendon questioned. Ryan nodded. “Yeah, I can wait.” Ryan smiled again and kissed him on the cheek. Brendon turned to face him and put his hand behind Ryan’s head for a real kiss. Ryan ended it with a knowing smile and bumped Brendon’s shoulder with his own.

“So, what to do until then?” Brendon asked.

“I don’t suppose there’s a place to slip away and have sex. Besides, Spencer would be able to tell and he would freak out,” Ryan observed calmly. Brendon elbowed him.

*****

Brendon stood in front of the wall with the pictures, examining it. He’d been told that the rest of the surprise was getting ready and he wasn’t supposed to be looking. Brendon had wanted to look closer at all of the pictures anyway, so it wasn’t a problem.

There was a picture from the very first tour with a bus. It was probably taken by Zack, and it showed the four of them hanging out of their bunks, ecstatic since it was right after the first show on tour and they were excited to have the “official” bunks.

Brendon saw another picture of him sitting on a couch with his phone by his ear, playing with his hair on the other side of his face. He could tell that he was talking to Kara because his face in the picture was relaxed. Ryan was on the couch next to him, wearing a hoodie and absorbed in a book. Brendon couldn’t place a specific time because it was such a common image throughout the years and the picture was taken without his knowledge.

There were more of him with his family when he was younger and there were other pictures of him with his band mates, or just him, sitting at the piano, or standing at the microphone, or standing on the stage and looking out over the empty venue before a show. All of them brought back memories and Brendon smiled a little at most of them.

Then, his eyes caught a picture of him and his family. It was taken on the deck in the back of their house. He was maybe a toddler, sitting in his oldest sister’s—and oldest sibling’s—lap while the second oldest of the family—his oldest brother—sat right beside her. Kara was on the other side and she was smiling more at him than at the camera. Brendon’s other brother was also looking at him, looking like he was saying something. Brendon vaguely remembered the occasion, but it was the image of him with his family in such a close, innocent way that made him almost tear up.

The picture didn’t show any of the strain or heartache that was going to occur about twelve years later. It didn’t foreshadow how distant he would become to the family for years until he was thrown for a loop and found himself on his own again. All that Brendon was able to see was the intimate, familiarity of how his family used to be.

Brendon had seen them and gotten together with all of them only a month or so ago to celebrate a birthday and he was a lot closer to them now than he had been. Still, there was something that separated him and the rest of the family from the closeness shown in the picture. Brendon was going to think about it more, but there was a hand tapping him on his shoulder.

“The rest of the surprise awaits you,” Ryan whispered in his ear, slowly turning him around. Brendon felt his eyes go wide when he saw what was waiting for him on the other side of the room.

First there was the cake. It was layered and decorated with all of the colors of all of the albums that Panic! had put out. There were words on top of it, but Brendon couldn’t quite make them out from where he was. All of his friends were standing behind the cake and they all held something in their hands. Then, of course there was the food that made up the rest of the surface area of the table. There were so many people and so much food and Brendon felt a kind of closeness, like the one in the picture, different, but still strong.

Ryan gently tightened his grip on Brendon’s shoulder and led him to the table because he could obviously tell that Brendon wasn’t quite capable of doing it himself just yet. Brendon sat down in one of the chairs that were set up around the table and he was able to function again.

Food was passed around and the room filled with the sound of conversation. Brendon was surrounded by people who weren’t quite family but who were much more than friends. During the cake part of the eating, Brendon got to find out what everyone had been holding.

They were envelopes, and during the cake part everyone passed theirs to Brendon so he had a whole stack of envelopes in his hands, one from everyone at the table. He started to open the one on top, but several people reached out to stop him and tell him to wait until later to open them. An exchanged glance with Ryan confirmed to Brendon that there was a reason why.

Then there was the music. It was pumped out of the speakers that were stacked up by the wall that gave the speakers’ projection the best acoustics. William told him that there would also be live performances by the lot of them that were musicians because why waste the gathered talent?

According to whoever said it, the day had passed and it was nearing ten. That had apparently been foreseen, though, because the warehouse was rented out until the next morning. Everyone insisted that the party get over before midnight so it still counted as Brendon’s birthday, though. Ryan mentioned something about wanting to be home before midnight and Brendon had a pretty good idea why.

Once the music started up, everyone, energized from the sugar and the day’s festivities, pushed out onto the floor in front of the speakers and began dancing. The party was actually big enough that the gathered people created a bit of a crowd and quite a bit of body heat. Whether they were good dancers or not, it didn’t matter.

Ryan was behind him and Brendon put his hand up on the back of the other boy’s head, bringing his face down closer and tipping his own up to kiss Ryan for the hell of it. It was an exuberant kiss, and it expressed everything. “Love you, Ryan,” Brendon whispered. He felt Ryan’s returning smile on his lips and smiled back.

******

“See you later,” Jon’s wife said, leaning away from the hug that she was giving him and smiling. Brendon smiled back.

“Yeah, this was great, thank you, again,” he answered. Jon patted him on the arm and followed his wife back to the car. Alex had left already, as had Dallon, and Danny, but everyone else was still around, on their ways out. They were gathered in the parking lot, saying goodbye.

“Thank you,” Brendon said as he shook hands with Gabe and William who were apparently going back to the airport together. They’d happened to both have a little time off and they had come all the way out to LA for a week or two, helping out with the party and enjoying their time off.

Gabe smiled and ruffled his hair a little bit, a treatment that he’d given Brendon since they first met when he was he was nineteen and had never stopped. “It was no problem at all, Urie. You’re a cool dude and I was happy to do it.”

“Same here,” William supplied, also giving Brendon a quick hug. “It was nice to be a part of it, especially for you.” Brendon smiled and thanked them again as they walked back to the car that they’d rented for the two weeks.

Everyone else filed past and Brendon said goodbye to all of them. Eventually it was just him, Ryan, Spencer, and Spencer’s fiancé. Ryan was talking to the two Smiths and it looked like the topic was serious. Brendon took a moment to look at Spencer and Ryan talking. It was a picture that he was familiar with because the two friends had talked like that for the entirety of his knowing them, especially when it was something that was supposed to only be for the other’s ears.

Spencer’s fiancé put a hand on Ryan’s shoulder then and she was smiling so Brendon figured that the big thing was over and he could join the group. Ryan smiled at him when Brendon was standing beside him again and he reached down for Brendon’s hand. Both of the Smith’s smiled again. “’Night, Bren, Ry. I’ll see you later this week,” Spencer said, intertwining his own arm with his fiancé’s and waving a little, going back to the car. Both Ryan and Brendon waved back and stood there while the two drove away.

Ryan turned to him with a little smile. “Are you ready to go home?” It was past eleven-thirty and Brendon actually found that he was more than ready to be at home again.

“I think so,” he answered, leading the way to the car. He could almost feel Ryan’s smile on his back and once in the car he leaned in for a fast kiss before putting the car in gear and taking off for home.

*****

“Alright, clothes off and on the bed,” Brendon directed as soon as he walked through the door. Ryan paused and raised an eyebrow before smirking a little bit and walking to the bedroom, leaving his jacket on the floor on the way.

Brendon looked down at the stack of envelopes that he still had in his hand and slipped them into his own jacket pocket. He took care of a few things in the kitchen before he slipped into the bedroom himself. Ryan’s back was to the door and he was mostly undressed. Brendon smiled to himself and stripped down—save for his boxers—as fast as he could.

Ryan turned around and looked content with Brendon’s current state. The man knew him so well by now that Brendon was sure they could go a whole day not seeing each other and still know what the other was doing.

During the little US tour that started the night that they got together, they were away from each other for a few months. Keeping in touch was simple, though, and they realized more how stupid they were for breaking off with one another when they could have always stayed together with email and texting. Brendon, though, thought that the years of separation almost made their bond stronger. He didn’t think that the two of them would have been able to handle it nearly as well.

Brendon walked forward and cupped Ryan’s face in his hands, tilting it down to his own. Ryan put his arms securely around Brendon and they moved as one to the bed, still connected. They didn’t even break apart to lie down. Ryan simply collapsed gracefully onto the mattress and Brendon slid with him, matching the other man move for move.

They broke away for breath and Brendon instantly moved his hands to the boy’s hard collarbone, simply rubbing the skin there and began kissing the other boy’s face. He could feel Ryan’s heart beating and his chest moving with each breath right against his own chest and Brendon thought that there was no feeling more familiar to him than that heartbeat.

Ryan’s hands strayed up into Brendon’s hair, fingers threading into the black mass and pulling through it. He began rubbing the back of Brendon’s head and neck and the tops of his shoulders, gliding his hands over every surface he could get to in his current position.

Brendon lowered his mouth to kiss the hollow of Ryan’s collarbone and his bare shoulders. Ryan arched into him a little so Brendon could slip his hands behind his back and bite back a groan at the same time. He broke away from the kiss and surveyed the familiar sight of Ryan’s upper body.

The skin was pale as ever and Ryan’s ribs were outlined gently underneath it. The whole expanse was unbroken and beautiful. Ryan’s fingers were still tangled lightly in Brendon’s hair and Brendon smoothed his own hands and fingers over the soft skin of Ryan’s torso, taking in every bump, soft spot, and bony place even though he knew all of their locations by heart.

Ryan tugged gently and Brendon was interrupted from his attentions to return to Ryan’s soft lips, running his fingers up and down Ryan’s sides. The man made a soft noise against Brendon’s lips and ran his hands down Brendon’s back, his thin fingers drawing light lines over his skin.

Brendon slipped his hands under Ryan’s head and deepened the kiss. Ryan, meanwhile, dropped his hands lower and took hold of the hem of Brendon’s boxers. Brendon had to let him go as Ryan somehow moved down in the little bit of space that there was between the mattress and Brendon, to slip the last little layer of clothing off. His mouth returned soon enough though, taking hold of Brendon’s immediately.

The singer was already out of breath and he gasped, breaking away from the kiss while he fumbled at Ryan’s boxers. They’d done this who knew how many times, and Ryan was still able to make him burning and breathless. He could feel Ryan’s soft smile as the other boy steadied Brendon’s head with a hand on each side and kissed along his throat while Brendon caught his breath.

When he had his senses back to him and he could breathe passably, Brendon moved down so he was even with Ryan’s face again. He kissed him hard on the lips, pushing his hips down at the same time and eliciting a loud groan from Ryan and a tightened grip on his hair. Brendon smiled and pushed down again against Ryan’s arched form, pushing his tongue into the other’s mouth.

“Goddammit Bren,” Ryan growled, pushing his head down into the mattress and moving his face to the side, gasping. Brendon just lowered his head and kissed along Ryan’s neck.

“You ready?” he asked, looking down into Ryan’s darkened eyes and lifting himself up so they weren’t skin to skin anymore.

Ryan grinned and put his hands on the back of Brendon’s neck. “Fuck yeah.”

Brendon took care of all of the preparations, relishing every one of Ryan’s moans and sighs and releasing more than a few of his own. Then he looked down into Ryan’s eyes again and felt that non-verbal signal that they’d developed over time. He lifted himself fully onto his arms and shifted down, pushing in.

Ryan’s head dropped to the mattress and his back arched. Brendon saw his mouth open in a silent moan and he gasped, moving his lips down to cover Ryan’s lower stomach and pepper it with kisses. “So fucking hot,” he whispered against the skin, pushing the rest of the way into the other boy as Ryan clutched at his head and brought their lips together again.

They separated again when Brendon began pulling out. Ryan’s fingers dragged up his back as Brendon moved his whole body down Ryan’s. Brendon trailed his lips over Ryan’s torso, feeling the faint vibrations coming from the boy that he loved and pressing himself against the smooth skin of Ryan’s chest.

“Come on, Brendon. Faster,” Ryan said a minute or so later, voice choked, as he lifted his hips with the latest movement of Brendon’s. Brendon complied as it was in the best interest of both of them. He reached down between them and took hold of Ryan’s cock, moving it in time with everything else.

It was hard to say how long it all went on. When Brendon felt himself begin to slip he took his hand away and lifted himself away from Ryan’s body, holding himself up by his arms. Ryan looked up at him and returned his hands to their position on the back of his neck, fingertips digging in on either side of the vertebrae. Brendon felt no pain, though, because all he could feel was Ryan.

Brendon had slowed the rhythm down and looked straight back into Ryan’s eyes as he continued to thrust in and out. Their eye contact didn’t break once and Brendon felt like something new had been established between them.

Eventually the pool of heat in his stomach broke and he rode out his orgasm, gasping and moaning, still looking into Ryan’s eyes. The other boy, as almost always, lasted a bit longer and he continued to move his hips with Brendon’s until he went completely still and his eyelids flickered. His fingers dug into the back of Brendon’s neck harder, but Brendon wasn’t complaining in any way. Ryan also managed to maintain eye contact and they held until they were both done. Then Brendon let himself drop and Ryan caught him, hugging him close.

“You may be the most incredible person I’ve ever known, Brendon Urie,” he whispered over Brendon’s shoulder, still breathing heavily.

Brendon smiled and kissed Ryan behind his ear, “The same to you, sir.” The swelling of happiness and love in his chest was building and Brendon nuzzled Ryan’s head and sweaty hair with his nose, caring not at all.

Ryan laughed a little, and Brendon could feel the breath past his ear and the movement of Ryan’s chest right under his. “I’m happy, Bren,” the other man sighed, hugging Brendon a little more firmly to his chest. The words made Brendon smile wider.

“So am I,” Brendon answered, closing his eyes and smiling. He gently put his hands on either side of Ryan’s face and tilted his chin up, kissing him again. “Everything I want,” he whispered, pulling away and looking down into Ryan’s face.

Something flickered through Ryan’s eyes again, the same thing that Brendon had been seeing all day. Ryan gripped the sides of Brendon’s head and crashed their lips together, lifting himself off of the mattress and pushing Brendon back so they were both sitting upright. “I love you more than anything,” he growled, eyes closed, their foreheads pressed together, still gripping Brendon’s hair. Brendon shuddered a little at the words and kissed back, hard.

Ryan pulled away with a gasp, eyes wide and chest heaving. It didn’t look like he realized he was speaking out loud when he whispered, “I wonder how much further it could possibly get.” His eyes were looking back and forth between Brendon’s.

“What do you mean?” Brendon asked, frowning a little.

Ryan blinked. “What?”

“What do you mean by ‘I wonder how much further it could possibly get’? It sounds like you’re waiting for something.” Brendon looped his arms around Ryan’s neck and settled back, still frowning a little bit.

“Nothing,” Ryan replied shortly, eyes widening momentarily before he took care of his expression again.
“
I don’t believe you. Come on, tell me what you’re talking about, or what it is that you’re waiting for.”

“There’s nothing to tell you.”

“Ryan.”

“I’m serious Brendon,” Ryan returned, pushing Brendon off of him and moving in, kissing him again.

“So am I. Ryan, you know that you can tell me anything. Stop messing around.” Brendon put his hands on Ryan’s shoulders and looked the other man directly in the eyes. Ryan looked back and the two of them simply looked at each other until Ryan took a deep breath and let it out on a sigh.

“Alright.” His voice was quieter and he looked down a little bit, rolling away from Brendon to the bedside table. He pulled out one of the drawers and dug around inside of it, rolling back to Brendon with his hands cupped. He took another deep breath and held it a little before letting it out, then looked up into Brendon’s eyes.

“I love you. You drive me crazy when I’m already almost there, and then you make me laugh when I start seeing red, whether it’s related to you or not. And when I tell you that I love you, I don’t do it just to say something or out of habit. I say it so that you remember that you’re the best thing in my life.” He broke off and just looked at Brendon for a moment. Then he started talking again.

“You can’t control when you lose your heart, but you can always find it again. You can only give it away once, though. I think you know this already, but you’ve had mine since that night that I told you my dad died. Before that, I was beginning to fall in love with you, but that night made me tip over and the whole time I was in my old house, in my bedroom, I thought about everything and I realized that I just wanted you there with me.

“For a long time I’ve been learning that when you love someone there aren’t any buts or whys, you just do and it typically works from there. Then when it works, it’s pretty amazing.” Ryan’s voice had taken on a slight unsteadiness and Brendon eyed him warily. He didn’t want to interrupt, though, because it looked like the slightest break in Ryan’s concentration would break this nerve that he seemed to be leaning on. Still, Brendon had never heard Ryan talk like this before and he felt a realization at the edges of his brain, though he couldn’t bring it into his consciousness. He wanted to ask Ryan what was going on.

Ryan shifted away from him again and actually slipped off of the bed to kneel beside it. His eyes were wide and his skin was pale, but there was an earnest expression on his face and a spark of nervous hope in his eyes. He took another breath and Brendon focused completely on the other boy.

“Brendon, the love that I feel for you is unconditional and I know that it’s not going to fade for as long as I live. Our forever could end in an hour or years from now.” Ryan’s hands had started shaking and Brendon repressed the urge to move over and put his own hands over them. “But I want you today, tomorrow, next week, and for the rest of my life.” He lifted one hand, opening what he had cupped between the two, and Brendon was able to see that in the little box rested a silver ring. He looked up at Ryan’s face in shock. “Brendon, I would be more than honored if you told me that you would marry me.”

Brendon was speechless. He stared from the ring, to Ryan’s face, and back to the ring. Several times, he tried to get his vocal cords to work or his mouth to move, but it seemed that he was absolutely helpless on that front. Ryan seemed to get tenser and Brendon could see the light in his eyes fading little by little as the rest of his color drained from his face.

Finally, Brendon was able to make his head move a little. He tried to nod, and it seemed that once he moved a little, he was broken out of his frozen state so he was nodding vigorously. Ryan, though, in the long space of silence and stillness, seemed to have already told himself that Brendon wasn’t interested and he wasn’t paying attention to Brendon’s head bobbing.

“Sorry,” he said quietly, looking down and standing up, closing the box and dropping the hand holding it back to his side. Brendon felt his eyes widen and he made some noise that was supposed to stop Ryan. He got up onto his knees and moved to the edge of the bed, grabbing Ryan’s wrists and pulling him back down so Ryan was on the floor again.

“Yes.” Brendon could practically see the huge grin that he could feel on his face. His voice was a little breathless and it made Ryan snap his head over in Brendon’s direction, eyes brightening again. “Of course, yes, I’ll marry you. Shit, why would you think that I wouldn’t?” Now Brendon had his hands back on the sides of Ryan’s head, looking the other man straight in the eye. “I love you, Ryan, you know that I do.”

Ryan dropped his eyes and nodded a little. “Yeah, I know, I just wasn’t sure if you loved me that much. Actually, I was afraid that maybe you didn’t and I was imagining everything.”

Brendon frowned at him in confusion. “What the fuck would make you think that? Ry, I’ve loved you since you were dating Keltie and I didn’t stop for those years that we were separated and now, after a year of “dating”, why wouldn’t I still love you? I actually love you more than I did before. And I say it, that I love you, so that you know that you’re more important to me than anyone else.” Brendon tightened his hands on Ryan’s head and pressed his lips against the others, unable to think of anything else that might help prove his point. Ryan gave into it, and it felt to Brendon like he had the other boy convinced.

“I still have no idea why you were so nervous,” he said quietly when the kiss ended. Brendon put the back of his hand against Ryan’s forehead, able to feel how cold and clammy the skin was there and he placed a quick kiss on the top of Ryan’s head. “I’m an open book. Anyone who sees us on the street together has to know that I love you.”

Ryan was smiling a little bit, though he did look embarrassed. “I don’t know what I was thinking. Probably I was just intimidated by the idea of proposing even though I’ve never doubted it until just now, and your silence after the question didn’t really help anything.”

“I apologize for that. You took me by surprise.”

“The whole speech about how much I love you and how I figured it out didn’t clue you in to the fact that I was probably going to propose? Normally, I don’t spout off about how I’m going to love you forever. I mean, people typically state the reasons why their significant other should say yes before they actually pop the question. That’s basically what I was doing.”

“I know, I know, my brain just wouldn’t process it,” Brendon said dismissively. “Now come up here and show me this ring.” Ryan sobered again and moved back onto the bed, bringing forward the box that held the ring.

“I finally found the perfect one. It took me a while, but I think that this is it.” Ryan said before he opened the box.

“Ryan, I wouldn’t care if you’d gotten it out of a cereal box. Show it to me.” Brendon had never seen Ryan so nervous before and he needed to put a stop to it.

Ryan opened the box and Brendon moved closer so their sides were pressed together. Ryan took it out and set the little black box on the bed, holding the ring in front of both of them. Brendon had already seen that it was silver, but now he could see the details of it. It wasn’t too wide, but there was enough room for there to be a design, one that made it look like the ring was made of two little strips of silver that came together and eventually ran into one another. Brendon loved it.

He felt tempted to take the ring into his own hand, but he knew that he should let Ryan keep it until the other man gave it to him. Out of the corner of his eye, Brendon could see that Ryan was looking at him and smiling softly. When Brendon looked back, Ryan nodded at Brendon’s left hand and held up the ring. “May I?”

Brendon returned the smile and lifted his left hand so Ryan could slip the ring onto his finger. He laughed and looked up at Ryan’s face that had a wide grin spread across it. They looked at each other for a second until Brendon threw himself at Ryan, wrapping his arms around Ryan’s neck. Ryan fell backwards against the pillows and he laughed, too, pulling the blanket over the both of them.

They rolled into each other and Ryan kissed Brendon on the neck. “You don’t have one, though,” Brendon said, the thought suddenly bursting into his head. The idea alarmed him for some reason and he looked at Ryan with wide eyes.

Ryan laughed and twined his fingers with Brendon’s, pulling the two of them closer together. “I won’t get mine until later on. No need to worry.”

Brendon was insistent, though, suddenly the whole world needed to know about the two of them. “No, if everyone’s going to know that I belong to you,” he held up his left hand, “then they’re going to know that you belong to me as well.” He looked determinedly at Ryan and he saw the little smile take shape on his face.

“Okay, later today then,” Ryan said, tapping their foreheads together.

Brendon looked over at the clock and saw that it was indeed the thirteenth of April now, well into it actually. “Was that why you didn’t want to tell me? You didn’t want to propose on my birthday?” Ryan rolled his eyes.

“No, I wasn’t ready yet. I didn’t know how I was going to ask you and I sort of wanted to make it more special than just kneeling on the floor.”

“All of what you said was just on the spot?” Ryan nodded and Brendon was impressed. “Well, you did that perfectly and I think that how you did it, just the two of us in the early hours of the morning, was perfect. It’s between the two of us, and it’s ours for now. No one else knows about it.”

“Well, I did tell Spencer and Haley about it today. Just that I was planning on doing it. And Kara knows.”

Brendon smiled again and kissed Ryan softly on the lips. “I love you.”

Ryan returned the kiss and the smile and he looked Brendon in the eyes when he said, “I love you, too.”

*****

Ryan had dropped off to sleep a while ago, but Brendon was still up, unable to sleep for no reason other than not being tired. He twisted his new ring on his finger and looked down at his sleeping fiancé, smiling before pulling up the poetry website. Ryan thought about everything that he decided to do, and Brendon had learned that when Ryan was thinking about something big he tended to read poetry.

Brendon looked at the screen and there they were, poems that he hadn’t read yet, leading up to tonight. The oldest of the new ones was by Jeffrey McDaniel, The Archipelago of Kisses. He smiled at the end and slipped over to the next one by Mary Oliver, I Ask Percy How I Should Live My Life. Brendon moved to the next one, I Carry Your Heart With Me, e.e. Cummings. At the end, he looked down at Ryan, still fast asleep, face turned toward him. The last one was Lovely One by Pablo Neruda. When he was done reading that one he was beaming and he closed the laptop setting it beside the bed, and then he lay down right next to Ryan and curled into the side of the man that he loved. He felt like he’d been re-connected to that closeness that he’d been missing when he’d looked at the picture of him with his siblings earlier.

Before he’d looked at the poetry, Brendon opened the envelopes that each of his friends had at the party. Each person had written their name on the outside of the envelope and Brendon had sifted through them, going through the whole stack, before he opened the first one. The one on the top had been from Spencer, then Haley, Jon, his wife, Gabe, William, Alex, Shane, Danny, Sarah, Dallon, Patrick, Pete, and Ryan.

They were letters. All of them were long and some envelopes had more than one sheet of paper in them, all covered in words. Every letter had a similar theme, what they thought of Brendon and things that they remembered that were often just between Brendon and that other person.

As he’d read, Brendon had stopped thinking of everything else. When he was done with every single one, he’d stacked them again and sat looking at the wall with them resting in his lap, just thinking about them before setting them on the bedside table and picking up the laptop.

He was surrounded by people who loved him. Brendon had always known that, but the letters drove it home. Brendon closed his eyes and reached a hand back to touch Ryan’s side with a small smile on his face. Once again, life was incredibly good.

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