FicWad

Odd Jobs Crack

A Gintama thingy

by

EvilFuzzy9

A/N: This started out looking like it might be a good ShinKagu bit. Then it got weird.
But that's pretty much this fic in a nutshell, then, isn't it?

Shinpachi coughed quietly, nervously, when he saw his sister and Kagura re-enter the thoroughly wrecked dining room. His face was slightly red, and while the two girls could not see his eyes behind his glasses, with the light reflecting off of them at that angle, they got the distinct impression that he was avoiding looking at them. Somehow, the teen had managed to not get caught up in the two girls' rampage, but he still looked quite nervous,

Gintoki, who was sitting next to Shinpachi, did not look nearly so affected. There was a lump on the side of his head from where Shinpachi and Kagura had kicked him in chapter four, but he was otherwise fine, physically and mentally. He had also escaped the earlier ruckus, by virtue of being both uninvolved and unconscious.

Otae smiled at her younger brother. "No need to worry, Shin-chan," she told him comfortingly. "Your ane-ue has taken care of those perverts who tried to poison her precious otouto's mind."

Shinpachi, his cheeks red, nodded absently.

"Y-Yeah..." he said, looking his sister in the eye with a weak half-smile.

He then chanced a glance in Kagura's direction. Her outfit was covered in blood (none of it hers), but the color blended in so well with the crimson fabric that it was almost impossible to pick out if you weren't looking for it.

In the back of his mind, Shinpachi noted the way Kagura's outfit clung to her slender, almost childish figure. He tried hard not to think about it, he really did, but the measurements recorded in that notepad had stubbornly burned themselves into his memory (much like Otae had burned said notepad into ashes), and almost against his will he found himself envisioning what Kagura looked like under her cheongsam...

Shinpachi immediately stood up and walked over to the nearest intact wall, then he started slamming his forehead against it until both the wall and his skull were cracked and covered with his blood, desperately attempting to dislodge those perversely perverted thoughts from his head. Naturally, the other three stared at him in a mixture of confusion and concern.

"Uhhh... Shinpachi...?" said Gin awkwardly.

THUMP THUMP

"What, Gin-san?" Shinpachi responded in a disturbing monotone as he continued rhythmically bashing his head against the wall.

THUMP THUMP

"Are... are you alright...?"

THUMP THUMP

"Of course I am, Gin-san," droned Shinpachi, blooding dripping steadily down his forehead. "Why do you ask?"

THUMP THUMP

Gin smiled nervously. "Well... you just seem a little out of it..." he muttered.

THUMP THUMP

"I have no idea what you're talking about, Gin-san. I'm perfectly fine."

THUMP THUMP SMASH

"Oh dear," Otae remarked, seeing the new hole in the wall, through which Shinpachi was poking his head. "I hope you fix that up when you're finished, Shin-chan."

Shinpachi was silent for a moment, before dislodging his head from the hole. Then he turned around to face his sister. It seemed like he was back to normal, now.

"Of course, Ane-ue," he said sheepishly, scratching the back of his neck.

"You should be more careful, Shinpachi," said Kagura, grabbing the teen's attention. "You're always telling me and Gin-chan not to break stuff, you know. You should take your own advice, aru."

Shinpachi said nothing. He simply stared silently at Kagura for a minute, face beet red and glasses fogged up. And then he turned right back around and went back to the wall, right next to the hole he'd made.

THUMP THUMP THUMP

Kagura scowled, looking over at Gin.

"Gin-chaaan," she whined, "Shinpachi's being creepy."

Gin, his voice a squeaky, chuckled nervously. "Heheh, well, it's... you know... his time of the month..." the curly-haired ronin muttered weakly.

Kagura cocked her head to one side curiously, like a dog. "His time of the month?" she repeated. "Do you mean he's—?"

THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP

Gin's face turned a little green at Kagura's graphic language.

"N-No..." he said, slowly shaking his head. "He... well, you see... Shinpachi was... he was bitten by... by a radioactive heavy metal fan, during an Otsu concert a while back... and now, every month during the full moon, he gets the uncontrollable urge to... bang his head," Gin lied through his teeth.

Kagura looked curiously at Shinpachi. She then looked back at Gin.

"...against the wall?" she said dubiously, eyes half-lidded.

"Against the wall," Gin repeated with a straight face, nodding sagely.

The thumping then suddenly stopped.

"I-It's nothing like that..." Shinpachi said quietly, leaning his head against the wall. "It's just... there's a certain thing... I'm trying really hard to get out of my head..."

"Ah," said Otae, nodding softly as realization hit her. "You're trying to forget those measurements, aren't you, Shin-chan?"

Shinpachi blushed faintly at the mention of those thrice-damned measurements that were making it next to impossible for him to look Kagura in the eye (Otae was not as big a problem, since she was his sister and contrary to any of Gin-san's claims, Shinpachi did not think of her like that).

"It's... something like that, yeah..." he murmured.

"I see," Otae said, smiling in understanding. "Well then..." She bent over and picked up the largest remaining piece of the dining table. "...let me help you with that, Shin-chan!" she said cheerfully, before braining her brother with enough force to knock down a third of the wall.

Shinpachi crumpled like a ton of bricks.

"Well, Shin-chan?" Otae said sweetly, standing over the twitching form of her little brother. "Did that help any?"

Shinpachi looked up at his sister. Mentally, he drew up a blank in regards to her measurements, and he breathed a sigh of relief.

"That's good," he said, "I think it actually worked..."

Just to make sure, he glanced over at Kagura and tried to recall her measurements. Nothing.

Shinpachi smiled. "Ahh, that's a relief..." he said. "I didn't need that anything like that complicating matters between us..."

He then stood back up, dusting his hands off.

"Well, I think I'll go to the bathroom and wash up now," he remarked offhandedly, moving to leave. He paused for a moment, though, and glanced back over his shoulder.

"...b-by the way..." Shinpachi mumbled awkwardly, his cheeks pink. "Ane-ue... Kagura-chan... Why aren't the two of you wearing any clothes...?"

CRASH

Kagura's umbrella hit Shinpachi in the head, sending him through the wall.

"Homerun, aru!" the Yato girl cheered, before noticing the looks she was getting from Gin and Otae. "...What?" she said, an innocent look on her face. "He was seeing things, aru. What? Ane-go gets to hit him but I don't? That's no fair," she pouted.

"Ah... ahahaha..." Gin laughed nervously, looking from the smoking, Shinpachi-shaped hole in the wall to the pair of girl-shaped demon lords. "I...should probably take Patsuan to the hospital, now..." he muttered.

The silver-haired sugar addict then moved to get the hell out of dodge, only to be stopped by Otae's hand on his shoulder.

"There's no need for you to go through all that trouble, Gin-san," said Tae Shimura in a syrupy sweet tone of voice. "Kagura-chan and I can nurse Shin-chan back to health by ourselves. No need to get any doctors involved," she whispered, her words seeming to take on a menacing life all their own.

Gin gulped nervously, sweat pouring down his face.

"O-Of course...!" he said, before laughing anxiously. "Aha! Ahaha-hahahahaha! Well, I'll be going, then! No need for me to get in the way of you girls! Ahahaha!"

Internally, he was clasping his hands and whispering a prayer for Shinpachi. 'I won't forget your sacrifice, Patsuan. May your glasses rest in peace.'

He then darted off, running for the hills before anything else could happen.

And Shinpachi, lying in a smoking heap on the grounds outside the dojo, felt the inexplicable urge to snap, "Why just my glasses...?!"

TTFN and R&R!

translation notes:
"otouto" - little brother