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Odd Jobs Crack

A Gintama thingy

by

EvilFuzzy9

... ... ... ... ...

Sweat was pouring down Shinpachi's face as he ran for his life. His recently acquired ponytail fluttered violently in the air behind. His eyes were wide and nearly popping out of their sockets, swollen veins visible to plain sight. His arms went like pendulums, slicing through the air, windmilling powerfully as he fled.

Legs a bit longer and considerably stronger than he was used to pumped like springs up and down, back and forth, his furious, fearful strides propelling him forward at a most impressive pace. His breathing was remarkably even, even as terrified and exerted as he was, and his clothes flapped in the breeze, an open shirt revealing an almost astonishingly well defined chest.

Behind him, never lagging more than ten paces back (and frequently less than half a pace behind) was Kagura. Her vermillion hair shone in the early noon sun, sea green eyes flashing maniacally. Her figure was lithe and spry, arms and legs slender but powerful, a dense core of muscle driving her like a diesel engine.

She leaped and bounded side to side with all the speed and grace of a wild hare, eyes smouldering intensely as powerful legs propelled her with the force of a hundred pound bullet. A chest most generous for a sixteen year old girl bounced with Kagura's movements, and if Shinpachi wasn't too busy fearing for his life he probably would have watched long and hard the way the lovely, lively Yato chit's body moved with her.

As it was, however, he was unfortunately preoccupied with desperately evading her wild, devastating attacks.

"Ahhhhh!" Shinpachi yelled, jumping over a low sweep with enough force to drive all the dust from the surface of the street into a nearby storefront, the massed cloud of particulate matter smashing right through the windows and knocking down the signs and displays. "Kagura-channnn!" he wailed. "Can't you at least wait for me to get a weapon to spar with?!"

"A real samurai fights with whatever he can find on hand, aru!" retorted the beautiful, bouncing barbarian. She then jumped straight up, kicking a lamppost to snap it halfway, grabbing and effortlessly hefting it up like a javelin, before tossing it at Shinpachi with a level of speed and power that could make a railgun blush.

Shinpachi ducked aside just narrowly in time to avoid the makeshift projectile. It zipped straight through the space his head would have been occupying, driving itself into the street all the way up to its lamp.

The samurai in training gulped, sweating harder-than-ever.

"Kaguraaaa!" he yelped. "That could have killed me!"

"Motivation for you to improve!" responded Kagura, landing back on the ground. She angled her body forward even as her knees bent, compressing herself like a spring. The she snapped back, kicking off the ground hard enough to make a modest portion of the street look like it had just been hit with some serious seismic activity.

Like a cannonball she careened towards Shinpachi. Her eyes were intensely focused, and a savage grin was on her face.

"DERRRYAAAAAA!" she roared, wildly swinging her hardened combat umbrella overhead with her full strength. "WAAA-TCHAAAAA!" Her weapon impacted the ground, Shinpachi again dodging by just a hair. The concrete road exploded, sending deadly chunks and shards of stone-hard aggregate in every direction.

Shinpachi jumped away from the earthen eruption like Bruce Willis at the last second, hitting the dirt just in time to avoid being buried six feet under it. The very instant that the immediate danger of the concrete shrapnel passed, Shinpachi pushed himself back up off the ground and made to get running once more. The dust was thick in the air and he could hardly breathe, let alone see.

So naturally he ran face first into something that was on the outside very squishy and soft, but on the inside had an unyielding heart of unbreakable steel.

He immediately fell right back down on his ass with an audible OOF, a bit of blood leaking from his nose. His hand landed on something cold and hard.

Kagura stood over Shinpachi with a victorious grin on her face. The dust was only starting to clear and her goggles were over her eyes, but still he could see the flash of mirth in those fair and bright lamps.

"Shin-chan's the loser~!" she singsonged cheerfully, pausing to pick her nose. "Kagura's the winner~!" She flicked a dry booger off of her finger to land between Shinpachi's legs.

Shinpachi grinned.

A flash of steel. The whistle of the wind.

Three silken strands of vermillion hair drifted on the currents, now freed from their roots.

He had a sword, and it was pointed right at her forehead. The tip was but millimeters from the skin.

"I think..." he said, panting heavily, face redder than anything, and clothes drenched with sweat. "...that we can call this a tie."

Kagura blinked, crossing her eyes to look at the slender, curving blade which was pointed straight at her brow.

A wide, bright grin crossed her face, crinkling her eyes at the corners. She stepped back an inch, lifting up her goggles. Shinpachi lowered the sword, though he did not let it fall from his hands completely.

"Nice, aru!" Kagura said, beaming. "Where'd you find the sword?"

"Dunno," said Shinpachi, still panting rather heavily. "Was just lying next to me..."

"Oh? Lucky!" said the redhead, laughing. "Then I guess it's a tie after all, aru!"

Shinpachi smiled. "I guess it is..." he mused.

He looked down at the weapon more closely, and his eyebrows rose almost into his hairline. "Whoa..." he muttered. "This is a really nice blade... ah?"

He blinked, glancing more closely at the pattern on the tsuba.

His jaw dropped.

Chr-chr-chrysanthemum...! That's... a Kiku-ichimonji...?!

Then he shook his head, weakly, shaking a little.

"N-no..." he mumbled to himself. "There's no way someone would just discard a sword that valuable in the middle of Kabukicho... y-yeah... it's probably just a knock off..."

He heard footsteps, then, and vaguely disgruntled sound.

"Heeey, niichan..." came the unmistakeable voice of Shinsengumi officer and prodigy sadist, Sougo Okita. "That's not nice. That thing in your hands might be an outdated hunk of scrap metal, but it's a genuine outdated hunk of scrap metal."

Kagura glared death at the lethargically-voiced young man, and Shinpachi turned his head to see Okita looking as blandly unexpressive as ever. Feeling suddenly all-too aware of the fact that he was holding a sword in his hand during the era of the Sword Ban, and a sword that was probably worth more than all the money he had ever made working for Gin-san, at that, he got extremely anxious

He gulped, shivering nervously.

"Ah... here, officer..." he said weakly, moving to present the sword's hilt to Okita. "I found this in the road... I suppose you'll want to confiscate it now..."

Okita stared at him disinterestedly.

"Ehhh?" he said. "Why would I want to confiscate some outdated hunk of scrap metal? A new model came out last month. I'd been meaning to throw that dirty old thing out... a captain of the Shinsengumi can't be seen lugging around something as worthless as that. But I suppose you might be able to find some kind of use for that piece of trash, niichan... and the Kiku-ichimonji, too."

Kagura ground her teeth, glaring daggers at Okita's back as he turned to leave.

Shinpachi was still nervous, though. "Umm, the sword ban, though... I really should turn this over to the authorities..." he said, dearly not wanting to get caught in a trap and thrown in jail.

"Since when was there a ban useless on scrap like that?" said Okita blandly, not even looking in Shinpachi's direction. "Though if you wanted to keep it, I suppose it might be some use to you if that crazy china-girl starts to get uppity again..."

Kagura shook her fist angrily at Okita. Shinpachi looked flabbergasted.

"Ah... thank you, Okita-san..." he said, feeling a tad conflicted.

"Don't say thank you," the Shinsengumi captain dismissively. "If you really want to thank me, then just keep it in your own backyard the next time you two feel like foreplay." He gestured at the road behind Kagura and Shinpachi, where a veritable path of destruction had been left in the pair's wake.

Shinpachi blushed beet red, looking distinctly shamefaced. Even Kagura went a little pink in the face, though that may have had more to do with the "foreplay" comment.

Okita left the two sitting there with a small grin on his face.

Hourly sadism quota: fulfilled.

""A/N: I like this chapter. It feels a little more coherent than the previous one, though that was certainly funny enough. Shinpachi getting a real sword was maybe a touch of a cheat, but I could imagine Okita using the kind of "logic" as he presented in this chapter to justify something like that.

And of course, he had to leave Shinpachi and Kagura feeling self-conscious and uncomfortable. Because that's just his nature. His evil, sadistic nature. XD

Updated: 2-4-14

TTFN and R&R!

– — ❤""