FicWad

Axl

"Axl wait!" I hear Izzy calling me as I storm down the hallway. I spin around and he runs right into me. "Darlin, please don't go away mad..."

I hold my hand up and quickly cut him off, "Please do not start this conversation with words to a goddamn Motley Crue song."

"Axe...I didn't mean to get so high, really. You know you can't tell how good shit is just by looking, come on," he says and tries to look so sincere when he says it.

I shake my head and just look at him. "Was this your master plan all along? Turn everyone into junkies so you can control them easier? Boy it must have really pissed you off when I got clean."

"Come on Fireball..." he says trying to take my hand but I jerk back. "Do you need to hit me again?"

I just stare at him. I hate seeing how high he is. I still remembered perfectly well how it felt when you looked the way he did right now. I guess you never forget something like that. For a long time it used to make me want to get high with him. I fought it and fought it until I just got pissed when I saw him like this. I guess the shit just became normal after so long. I accepted it. But shit isn't the same now. Now we are fucking signed. We can't blow it when we've finally made it this far in the game.

"You don't even realize what you've done do you?" I ask.

He just shrugs.

"You fed Curly Sue dope every chance you got. By the time you cut him off it was too fucking late. And of course Steven does everything Slash does, so now they are both junkies. Compliments of Izzy fucking Stradlin! Thank you Izzy! And that motherfucker Sixx reeks havoc every goddamn place he goes! And every time you are around him you act just as crazy as he fucking does. Do you want to fuck him or some shit?"

"Nikki is so not gay or bi," he sighs.

"Did I ask?! No! I asked you if you wanted to fuck him!?"

"No," Izzy shakes his head, "why the fuck would you even think some shit like that?"

"Because it would be a little easier to swallow than the fucking truth. The fucking truth is you like to have someone to get high with that you don't have to fucking account for!"

"Do we really have to go through this fucking dictator shit right now?!" He snaps at me.

"Since you force us to go through some shit like you just did, yes!" I shout in his face.

"Why do we even need a fucking producer, we can do it ourselves."

"Oh yes Izzy, we know how to be producers," I roll my eyes, "You have to learn how to do that shit. You really want to try on our goddamn debut?! Have you fucking fried your brain completely? Maybe you like being some smack dealer hiding in shadows every time a cop rolls by. Maybe you get some sick thrill from moving in the middle of the night. Maybe you get off on the free pussy from hookers and strippers. Maybe you're happy being just what you are, but I'm not. I want to pay my own rent just once without having to fuck some chick for it. I'm done living like this Izz. You can stay right here and go nowhere if you want. You can take everyone in this band with you...but you won't take me too."

"Darlin you know I want what you want," he says softly, "I'm sorry I always fuck up everything for you Axe. I'm fucking scared I guess."

"Scared of what?" I smirk.

"Scared to make it and then to fucking lose it. Dealing with a record company isn't like playing clubs. The shit is way more work. And I keep wondering when one of us has to give up some ass to keep it? Maybe I'm sick of sucking off disgusting old guys and letting them fuck me. And maybe I don't want to have to watch any of us ever go through that shit again."

"Then stop fucking up the one chance we have to make it. Do you not get that you're fucking up our chances before we even get our record pressed? Everybody in this business knows you can't depend on junkies. And they can all take one fucking look at you and see you are one. Look at you Izzy, your hair is greasy and full of fucking knots. You've been in those same fucking clothes four days. You're as pale as a ghost. You're covered in bruises, you don't even try to hide the shit anymore. You weigh next to fucking nothing. I can count your ribs. You scratch all the fucking time. You are just like the pieces of shit you sling to, you just so happen to have a record contract," I sigh and watch as he tries to take in what I'm saying. I rest my hands on my hips and shake my head. "I'm moving in with Erin, permanently."

"Why?" He asks softly.

"Because she's not too smacked out to show me she loves me."

Izzy huffs, "You think she loves you? She doesn't fucking love you. She loves the rebellious thought of you."

"Like you would know what she feels."

"Oh I get her just a little bit better than you think," he almost snarls. "Trust me darlin, she's nothing more than a glorified groupie."

"You're just jealous."

"Not of her," he chuckles, "Erin ain't shit. And after a while you'll see it too. She's just like every other whore you've stuck your dick in!"

"Yeah? And you're jealous of her just like you are every other whore I've fucked!"

He just stares at me in disbelief shaking his head, "How can someone so smart be so fucking blind? How the fuck can you not see what is right under your nose?"

"What you mean like being a junkie? You seem to miss that one and it is halfway up your fucking nose!"

Izzy looks to the ground, "She's just gonna hurt you Axe. You're starting to feel something for her, I can tell."

"She is my girlfriend," I roll my eyes.

"She's not in love with you darlin," he softly shakes his head. "I don't want to have to watch you find that out the hard way."

"You're just trying to turn me against her."

"She'll do that on her own darlin, please listen to me, she doesn't love you. All she's gonna do is twist your fucking head and leave you hurting in the end. Stay with me baby."

"No," I say firmly, "I'm tired of watching you nod out. I want to spend my time with someone who realizes I'm there. With someone who has actual blood pumping through their veins."

"I can pull it together, I promise. Please don't leave me again. I'm no good without you darlin...I always get worse with you not around," he plays with a lock of my hair. "I'm sorry. I need help Axe. I need you."

Tears brim my eyes but I refuse to give the little shit the satisfaction of him seeing that he's wearing me down. "Not this time Izz," I shake my head. "The insanity has to stop somewhere. As long as we both keep repeating the same patterns it never will. So this time I'm not falling for your fucking false promises and loving words. I know it's all bullshit. You may mean the shit but you can't back it up. You just tell me what you know I want to hear but nothing ever changes. Well it changes today. You can stand there and tell me how sorry you are all you want, tomorrow you'll just wake up and do the same shit all over. I can't keep waking up to you shaking and puking. Do you ever try to imagine what that's like for me? I love you Izzy, god knows I do, but I don't want front row seats to your suicide."

"Suicide?" He pauses and chuckles, "You are such a drama queen. Come on, lets just go home. We'll take a shower. I'll give you a massage and you can relax. Maybe I'll even throw in a complimentary blow job."

"Fuck you Izzy. I'm not fucking around with you. I'm moving in with Erin. The press is all over us now. We're supposed to be targeting a female audience, remember? You might do good to spend more time with your own fucking girlfriend."

A twisted smirk comes to his lips, "It's starting to get pretty funny how you say I run from everything. Looks to me like the runner is you. Every time I piss you off you run away. And like some love sick fool I always chase you down. We are meant to be together darlin, you know it, I know it. I seriously think you do this shit just to add to the romance."

"Oh yeah, I'm just wallowing in our romantic love affair Izz. It was my life long aspiration to wake up next to a dead junkie."

"God what is with all this talk of fucking dying? I'm not dying."

"Nothing good will come of your habit and dying is a very likely possibility. Have you completely blocked out Desi?"

Izzy's face goes blank. Desi was one thing we just never fucking talked about. "Don't go there."

"Already did! We fucking killed her Izzy. You shot her up and took a shower. I come in and don't know and I shoot up with her. And then she started turning blue and gasping. We just stood there and watched. We didn't try to save her or do anything! We wiped our prints from the apartment. We walked out the fucking door while she was seizing and dying. We fucking left her knowing she was gonna die! We have seen first hand what that poison does to a person! I can't watch that shit happen to you. Not to you honey."

"I'm not gonna die," he says softly.

"But you can't promise me that, can you?"

He is silent.

"I love you Izzy. I love you probably too much. Thats why I can't stick around for this shit. I know exactly who you are. I know what you are. And slowly you're showing the entire world who and what you are. I won't let you ruin this for me Izzy. You will not make me lose this shit. If needs be we'll just find someone willing to do your job for you while you go play your junkie games and take your little trips to Mexico with Sixx. Who knows, maybe you can get in his pants. We both know you would if he'd gave you half the chance."

And then out of the blue Izzy back hands me. He looks downright pissed. "I have never even thought about Nikki that way. I don't even want to. Nikki just fucking gets me in ways you can't. He's just a friend."

"Yeah, same as the kid you can't keep your prowling eyes off of?"

"Here we go again," he shakes his head, "I'm not the one who fucked him!"

"Tell me you wouldn't have if you would have been in my shoes! You so fucking would have and you know it! You're pissed off because I beat you to it!"

"Go to hell."

"I'm already there!" I yell, "Again, compliments of Izzy Stradlin! Fuck this shit, I'm out of here," And I turn to storm off.

"I'm not chasing you this time," I can hear him saying behind me.

"Good!" And I fucking left him there. I was done. I was too tired of being mad at him all the time. I had to find some way to detach myself from him. It was the only way to lessen the pain. I couldn't not love him. Izzy was a part of me and he always would be, but right now I had to take a step away from him. I had to distinguish the difference between lovers and band mates. And for now, I just needed him to be my fucking band mate.