FicWad

We wake up in the morning wrapped around each other gently rocking in the hammock hanging from the ceiling. I’m so comfortable laying here wrapped up in Duff’s arms, the ceiling fan creating just enough of a breeze to keep us cool, and the gentle rocking of the hammock make me feel like I’m sleeping on a cloud; everything feels just perfect. I’m so in love with Duff and it was so sweet of him to bring me here to suck a beautiful place when I’d just contributed to blowing it big time with Paul Stanley. He is seriously one of the sweetest, most giving people I know and I’m beyond lucky that he’s mine.

I reach up and stroke his hair out of his eyes and kiss his forehead. He stirs and his eyes flutter open. “Hey,” he says quietly and smiles at me.

“Hi,” I answer. “You’re a beautiful sight to wake up to.”

“Mmm so are you, if I could wake up to those brown eyes and black curls every day for the rest of my life I’d be so happy,” Duff says, grinning.

“Well I wasn’t planning on waking up in anyone else’s arms baby,” I tell him and lean over and lazily kiss his sweet lips. “What do you want to do today Duffy?”

“They have jet skis, I thought maybe we could rent a couple and play around with those,” he yawns.

“Sounds fun, bet I can catch more air than you jumping waves!” I tease.

“Probably but only because you’re a skinny little thing with a cute little ass, you’re undernourished!

“Yeah whatever but you love my “undernourished ripped abs and biceps!” I joke and show off my muscles.

He laughs. “I’ve gotta go take a piss and then let’s order some breakfast ok? You hungry?” he asks.

“Yeah, I’ll dig out the room service menu,” I yawn and we begin to untangle ourselves from each other and try and get out of the hammock; all we succeed in doing is flipping ourselves over onto the floor and we land in a heap on the hard wood. “There has to be a better way to get out of that thing,” I grumble at Duff who just chuckles and helps me up. He heads for the bathroom and I find the room service menu in the drawer in the bedside table. I call and order a ton of food and then join Duff in the shower where he feeds me more of those sweet, lazy, kisses that I gave him earlier. “You had better stop doing that or we’ll miss the room service guy,” I warn him. He lets me go reluctantly and we get out just in time to hear the knock on the door that means our breakfast has arrived. We wolf it down and then Duff pulls me back into the hammock.

“I thought you wanted to go rent jet skis? What are we doing back in here?” I ask.

“Curly Sue I told you we needed to talk and the hammock is comfortable and I can keep my arms around you and see those beautiful eyes. We have some really serious things we need to talk about babe,” Duff says quietly and in a suddenly serious tone.

“I know,” I whisper and swallow hard. The talk we’re about to have scares me; I’m afraid of losing him because I won’t be able to give him what he needs. I look up at him with fear filled eyes and he rubs my back softly.

“Hey, what are you so scared of?” he asks and kisses me softly on the lips. A lump forms in my throat and I feel tears welling up in my eyes and all I can do is look at Duff; I can’t say anything because my voice won’t come. “Hey, baby boy, it’s ok,” he soothes. “You don’t have to be afraid, I’m not gonna leave you or anything; there’s just some things we need to lay out on the table. It’s gonna be fine but there are some things I just need to get off my chest ok? I didn’t mean to scare you. Relax sweet boy, just relax,” he whispers and holds me a little tighter and strokes my hair. I begin to calm down and relax into his body and accept the comfort he’s offering.

Finally I manage to choke out “So what do you want to talk about honey?”

“First I want to tell you why I’m so scared and worried about you using heroin, I had a girlfriend, one that I loved very much and she overdosed in my arms! I did everything I knew to do for her; I pulled her into a cold shower, I smacked her a little to bring her around,, I breathed air into her lungs only none of it worked. By the time the ambulance came she was gone and they couldn’t revive her. I also had a friend Jace, we grew up together and one summer we were painting houses and he didn’t show up for work one morning. I went to his apartment and the door was open and it was dead quiet in there and I just knew; I found him in his bed with the needle still in his arm. I used a t-shirt to pick up the phone and call an ambulance and got the hell out of there. Other friends died since I came to LA; baby boy I don’t want to wake up and find you dead at some point. Also, you’re not really there when you’re on smack; you’re like Izzy, a walking ghost. I love you-I love your sweetness, I love how smart you are, I love your curiosity, I loved your innocence; I love everything about you honey. I don’t want to watch you drift away the way Axl’s watched Izzy drift away. I want you here with me baby; I don’t want you to disappear little by little. I know you’re trying to forget and I don’t know how to make it better; I’m pretty sure I know what you’re feeling but will you talk to me about it?

I sigh deeply. “Duff, I’m so ashamed most of the time. Sometimes when the memories or the dreams come I have those panic attacks like you do; you’ve seen me go through it. Sometimes I want to throw up, I always want to squirm. It just makes me feel so dirty and just…sick. I don’t want to feel that way and I don’t know any other way to stop it. The valium isn’t helping. A lot of times when I dream those guys from Virgin are raping me repeatedly while they make you watch, or the other way around. Sometimes I just see you looking at me while you were holding my hand. But the thing that makes me the most sick is thinking about what happened with Axl. Duffy I feel so guilty! I feel like I cheated on you, I feel like I slept with Izzy’s boyfriend when I would never do anything to hurt him but I didn’t want it! But his voice, even hearing him breathe reminds me of being forced to have sex. I mean he didn’t rape me Duff but I didn’t want it and I was scared and so ashamed. I can’t get rid of those feelings; the guilt and the shame and the shame is the worst because it makes me feel disgusting. I don’t want to remember I had sex with Axl! That night all I could think about was how guilty I felt for getting pleasure from what he did to me and that guy was watching…I just…I just want to forget, to numb it out. I don’t know what to Duff. I know you don’t like it and that makes me hate myself even more; I feel like such a piece of disgusting shit Duff!” I sob. I can’t help it; blurting all of that out brings out so much that I don’t want to think about and I feel like SUCH A PIECE OF SHIT!

“Hey, it’s ok baby boy, I get it. I feel like that a lot of the time too; it’s why I drink so much, I want to forget too. Especially about those guys from Avi and what they did to me; I feel so stupid for going out with them and not expecting what happened. I was so drunk and I really thought they wanted to talk business. I wanted to come home to you so badly but I was so embarrassed and ashamed to tell you what happened. I felt dirty too and baby I don’t know how to get rid of it either; I don’t know what to do, the valium only helps so much. The vodka is the only thing that numbs me though.”

“I know Duff, but I’m afraid you’re going to get into a car accident because you’re driving drunk or throw up in your sleep and drown in your own vomit or die from alcohol poisoning. But it’s not like I feel like I can ask you to stop when I’m so fucked up myself. Duff when we first got together I was afraid I was going to be just a plaything for you and I fell so hard and fast for you. When you said you loved me I was so happy Duff. You’ve always been there for me too even through the worst stuff we’ve had to go through you’ve taken care of me and I’ve tried really hard to take care of you. I’m afraid sometimes you’re going to get tired of me; think that you have to take care of me too much or something. I don’t mean to be so much to handle and sometimes I’m afraid you’ll really think I’m a baby. I know you guys tease me about it all time but I don’t really want you to think that Duff. I want you to look at me as a man, a man who’s capable of taking care of myself and you when I need to. I don’t want you to feel like you have to care for me like a kid.”

“Slash, honey, when I call you a baby I am just teasing you; believe me I know you’re ALL man. I like taking care of you sometimes sweetheart but I like it when you care for me too. After that Avi thing you took really good care of me. But I want you to promise me something,” Duff tells me.

“What?” I ask warily.

“Promise me that no matter what happens we won’t turn away from each other like Axl and Izzy. The way I look at it things can go two ways; when bad things happen, like the things that have happened to us you can keep secrets and push each other away or you can be honest and turn to each other for help. Promise me you’ll always turn to me for help. I don’t want drugs or unwanted sex or anything else to drive a wedge between us; I just want us to get closer and I want to love you more every day, I do love you more every day. Promise me you’ll never push me away that you’ll come to me and let me at least comfort you. I know I can’t fix it but please let me be there for you. I never want to be like the other two.”

I smile in relief. “I don’t ever want to be like Izzy and Axl either Duff. I promise I won’t push you away if you promise me the same thing. I’ve never loved anybody the I love you and I’d do anything to keep you and make you happy. I want you even more than I want our band to make it big if that tells you anything. I won’t nag you about your drinking but let me watch out for you. I promise to try really hard not to do enough smack to turn into a walking zombie like Izzy is sometimes. I don’t want you to nag me either but I don’t mind you looking out for me either I promise to always love you Duffy no matter what.”

“Sounds like a deal, no nagging, just making sure the other is safe. I promise to love you no matter what too; in fact I don’t think I can help it. You stole my heart on the way to Seattle and I don’t want it back,” Duff says and leans down and kisses me gently. We let the kiss build and I sit up and pull him out of the hammock and onto the bed; since we’re both already naked I don’t have to undress him. I’m pouring everything I have into the kisses we’re exchanging; all of my love, sadness, longing, happiness and hope and I can tell he is too. I reach for the bottle of lube on the bedside table and coat my fingers in it and he eagerly spreads his legs for me. I slowly ease two fingers into him and he sighs quietly. I pull back from his lips and stare straight into his eyes. “You’re beautiful,” he breathes.

“So are you,” I tell him and grin. I work my third finger into him and he winces a little bit and I whisper to him to relax and comfort him with soft kisses to his lips and face. “Are you ok? I don’t want it to hurt.”

“I’m ok, don’t worry; I’d tell you if I wasn’t. Keep going, I want to feel you inside of me so bad,” he begs and curls his hips a little into my probing fingers. I quickly find his prostate and watch as he gasps in pleasure as my fingers stroke the sensitive spot deep inside him. I keep playing and soon he’s groaning and squirming; trying to get me to put more pressure on that magical area and when he’s absolutely panting I pull my fingers out and he looks at me with wild, crazy, eyes. “Please Slash, please, I need you inside of me,” he pleads almost desperately.

I chuckle softly. “I’m coming Duffy, you know I’ll give you what you need.” I rub the lube over my dick and start to push into him and watch as his eyes roll back into his head and he moans loudly.

“You’re so fucking big baby,” he growls. “God I remember the first time I felt you up; I couldn’t believe how big you were; I knew if I ever got you into bed you were gonna feel so fucking amazing!” I push slowly but steadily into him since I stretched him out really well and I’m not worried about hurting or tearing him and when I’m in to the hilt I stop and look down at him. His body is spasming around me and he’s whimpering softly.

“You alright Duffy?” I ask wickedly.

“Fuck, way better than alright. I need you to fuck me now; I want you so bad, I don’t think I’ve ever wanted anyone as much as I want you right now; please baby please fuck me!” he begs.

“Look at me, look at me while I fuck you, I want to see your eyes,” I quietly ask. He opens his eyes and looks into mine and I smile. His face lights up in return. “You’re so fucking beautiful,” I tell him as I start to rock in and out of him and he throws his head back and keens in pleasure. A garbled moan escapes my own lips. He manages to bring his eyes back to mine and we stay locked in on each other as I steadily move in and out of him groaning quietly with each movement. He’s not so quiet and cries out loudly each time I thrust into him.

I reach for his dick but he bats my hand away. “No, I want to cum just from you fucking me; I’m so close, you feel so god damn amazing,” he says through gritted teeth.
“Cum for me then Duff because I’m gonna have to let go soon too,” I pant. He keeps his eyes locked on mine, pistons his hips up and down as I move in and out of him and then lets out a deep growl as his body clenches down hard on my dick. Cum shoots out of him like a fucking volcano; spurting onto his chest and stomach and neck.

“Slash,” he yells. He’s yelling my name and I love hearing it! I let my body release my own seed and coiled up tension and moan and grunt out his name with every spasm that runs through me. His eyes never leave mine and I match him moan for moan until our bodies are covered in sweat and cum and a glow of happiness.

“Duffy,” I murmur as I lean down to kiss him, “that was so perfect.”

“Mmm, no you were perfect and so beautiful, especially when you came; the look on your face alone was enough to make me blow my load. You make me so fucking hot for you all the time. I always want you, I think about fucking you all day every day and that was totally amazing,” Duff murmurs between the sweet kisses we exchange.

“Yeah it was amazing. You were so tight and turned on and I wanted you sooo much; it was just like in the beginning; I wanted you so bad and you kept teasing, not letting me have you until the night before we got to Seattle. You were so sweet to me that night too; I had no idea what I was doing but you were so patient, teaching me as we went. I loved you so much for that; for making sure I was comfortable and explaining everything because if you hadn’t been that way we would never be where we are right now and I’m so happy. I don’t think I could handle living without you; I love you way too much. I’d be to so fucked.”

“Me too baby boy, me too. Come with me get in the shower with me and then lets take a nap and then later we can go get those jet skis.” Within 20 minutes we’re clean, warm, and wrapped around each other lovingly in that hammock and the rocking lulls us to sleep. We spend the next few days enjoying everything the resort has to offer and helping each other taper down the various substances we’re using. It’s not easy and some days neither one of us feels very good because of it and we spend some days in bed or the hammock suffering through the withdrawls that come with reducing our intake of vodka and coke and heroin but it’s not nearly as bad as those seven days I spent getting clean cold turkey. Soon Duff has me weaned down three shots a day and then two. I’ve gotten Duff down to about a half- gallon of vodka a day vs. a whole one. The big test will be how we do when we get back home. Home is where the memories get triggered and where temptation lies around every corner. I just hope we can be strong enough for the other to stay at this level of sobriety.