Categories > Celebrities > Guns n' Roses > Through The Eyes Of...
Axl
When I woke up I could feel Izzy’s hair on my arm. It was so silky. I had forgotten what it felt like when it was clean. I just lie there and take in the beauty of his face. That face would always be my Jeff’s honest serene face. When he was awake this look left. Izzy had been through so much in these streets. Izzy was hard. He was street smart, and he didn’t learn the shit the easy way. His first six months in LA were hell for him. He slept in his car and ate from dumpsters. He tried and tried getting into bands, but not many bands make it to a Friday night at the Whiskey.
That had been Izzy’s wish, to rule the club scene, to have this cult following. I always wanted more. Izzy was happy with mediocre, but not me. The whole world was going to know Axl Rose. But I needed my band. I needed Izzy to pull it together. A lot of Izzy’s addiction revolves around me. See, the better things are between us, the happier we are, and the less he does drugs. I keep Izzy grounded and focused. In a way, I guess you could say I was a drug to him.
Izzy strikes most as soft spoken and quiet, but drugs bring out this monster sometimes. I guess we both had that in common. I chose to vent it. Izzy chose to bury it with dope. And when I have one of my moments of clarity and leave him, he just fucking loses it. Izzy loves me. Above every tangible thing, above every dream. But the drugs hold him so tight. It’s not that I’ve never said drugs or me, but I know it would be a draw.
And yes I love him. He courses through my veins just lie some drug I can’t resist. Izzy knows my soul. He gets my fragmented mind. He knows how to handle my mood swings. He knows how to soothe me. He knows how to talk to me. I knew what he told me was true. I trusted no one but Izzy. Izzy had always had my back. Izzy made sure I didn’t have to sleep on the streets. He supported us by dealing while we play in one shitty band after another. We were a package deal because besides love we had musical chemistry.
When he showed up here last night I couldn’t resist him, not as much as I fought to. Nothing works for me like his sweet kisses and needy hands. Sex with anyone else is just sex, but with Izzy it’s love. I loved the son of a bitch, drug addiction or not. He was the other half of me. He held my heart. He always had and he always would. But I had to break the pattern of Izzy fucks up and Axl forgives. This wasn’t meant for us to get back together, this was simply to show I still loved him and need him. Izzy may have been tough as steel on the outside, but the inside was broken. I watched it break. All the things we had to do to make it where we are now killed a part of us just a little bit at a time.
I got angry and Izzy crawled into this shell. But he was assertive when he needs to be, like how he forced his way on me last night. Like the way he takes charge when there’s a problem. The way he wasn’t afraid to pull his gun. It was that monster we struggle with. It was memories flooded him and bringing forth an anger that made vengeance look like penance. Izzy buries a lot of things and never speaks of them. Izzy comes off as aloof, easy going, and calmly handles shit. But Izzy is changing. A fire inside of him wanted out and I know it’s all my fault.
I’ve tried every approach except tough love. I have nothing left in me to live with a junkie day to day. I love him, but I can’t watch himself destruct like this. Maybe on his own his eyes will finally open. Maybe once he has lost every time and hit rock bottom he will start to climb up. Maybe he will get better. I pray for it daily. I pray for him to come back to me. Not Izzy the dope dealing junkie, Jeff the guy with a dream and a hard enough head to do whatever he wants. I miss that determined look in his eye. Now Izzy just flows through in a constant state of melancholy.
Izzy is an Aries. A fire sign who sets their sights on something and go for it. But they need love to motivate them fully. They are known for detachment. They’re sensitive. In a group they manage to blend in, laugh and be witty. Yet they come across heartless at times. They tend to cause their own problems. And like a cat, they always land on their feet. Izzy would get through this when he was ready and not a minute sooner.
I’m not being cruel, despite the fact I’m the gad guy and all. I know being with him last probably makes him think that was our typical make up sex. It’s not. This was my weakness, my addiction I couldn’t resist. But I couldn’t be with him. I had to fight, but he’s so magnetic and hard to resist. Izzy has known me half my life. Those pubescent curiosities were done with Izzy. First kisses and learning to it right, first touches, lying together naked and just making out. Izzy was patient and he never pressured me. Then one day we went all the way. From that moment on we belonged to one another forever. Even if we couldn’t be together. And frankly, I need the sex. No one pleased me the way he did.
I nudge hum, “Get up, get dressed, you gotta go,” I say.
He opens his eyes and looks to me with a frown, “Go, go where? I want to stay with you Fireball, he snuggles into me.”
“Last night doesn’t change anything for us Izz,” I sigh and reach for a cigarette.
He sits up looking at me as if he was rather angry. “Then why the fuck did we make love?!” He shouts throwing daggers with his eyes.
I exhale, “Because you just burst in here and kissed me. You kissed me like Jeff. I wanted you. I still love you Izzy, but you gotta find yourself. That’s a path you have to walk alone honey.”
“So I’m your sex toy now?!?!” He shouts and leaps from the bed and digs through his pockets.
“That’s it Izz, make it all go away. Run from life. Be the coward that can’t hack it.”
He stops what he’s doing and just looks at me like he may cry. “If I don’t shoot up will you let me stay?”
I smile softly and look down, “I’m sorry my dark angel, but no.”
“I can’t fucking believe you Axl! You let me in here last night knowing full well that I wanted you back! We made love and you let me believe it was real. I thought I got you back! Not this morning you’re telling me it was just sex! I fucking love you! How could you lead me on like this?!”
I shake my head and focus on a stain on the carpet. “Because you touch is my weakness. I can’t say no to you Izzy, no more than you can say no to dope. I wish I could let you stay but…but your habit scares me too much. I don’t want to be like Duff and watch you die in my arms. I will always love you Izz, you’re a part of me, but I don’t want the backstage pass anymore. I’m sorry if I led you on or gave you false promises. I just needed to feel you in my arms. I think that’s one habit I can never break.”
Izzy comes over to the bed and sit next to me. He runs his hand across my cheek. “Darlin, please don’t reduce me to your sex slave.”
As he stares into my eyes I get lost. I lean forward to kiss him. Just as I do the door opens and Erin is standing there watching us.
“I thought I told you to leave him alone,” she frowns at Izzy.
“Bitch did you forget the pecking order? Me then you.”
“Not anymore,” she smirks, “Axl asked me to be his exclusive girlfriend. So I hope you enjoyed you goodbye fuck because that’s what it was. Axl chose me.”
Izzy looks at me with the most hurt expression. He quickly starts to get dressed. “You choose this whore over me?” He asks. “She doesn’t give a shit about you darlin.”
“It doesn’t matter Izz. We need a girl on our arm when we are in public. You and I can never do that. It would be I your best interest if you pay a little more attention to your girlfriend.”
“I don’t believe this shit…are you really dumping me for her?” He points at Erin.
“Just remember Izzy,” Erin smirks, “When you kissed him last night you were tasting my pussy.”
Izzy strolls to where she stands. He hovers over her menacingly. “I eat pussy sweetheart. You might want to think about what it is you’re putting in your mouth when you suck him off…it ain’t my pussy juices,” he smirks and storms out the door.
When he left I could feel my heart shattering. I didn’t want to hurt him like this. I look to Erin. “Did you have to be such a cunt. I didn’t want to hurt him like that. I love him.”
“You’ll get over that, and in time so will he. It’s you and me now. That’s what you promised.”
“And I also told you my heart would always be his,” I sigh.
“That too will fade in time,” she says, “Look I bought you a new pair of leather pants.”
I look at her blankly. She couldn’t buy me. She couldn’t take Izzy’s place. She couldn’t make me not love him. “Thanks, you didn’t have to do that.”
She kisses my cheek, “Nothing is too good for my loving man.”
When I woke up I could feel Izzy’s hair on my arm. It was so silky. I had forgotten what it felt like when it was clean. I just lie there and take in the beauty of his face. That face would always be my Jeff’s honest serene face. When he was awake this look left. Izzy had been through so much in these streets. Izzy was hard. He was street smart, and he didn’t learn the shit the easy way. His first six months in LA were hell for him. He slept in his car and ate from dumpsters. He tried and tried getting into bands, but not many bands make it to a Friday night at the Whiskey.
That had been Izzy’s wish, to rule the club scene, to have this cult following. I always wanted more. Izzy was happy with mediocre, but not me. The whole world was going to know Axl Rose. But I needed my band. I needed Izzy to pull it together. A lot of Izzy’s addiction revolves around me. See, the better things are between us, the happier we are, and the less he does drugs. I keep Izzy grounded and focused. In a way, I guess you could say I was a drug to him.
Izzy strikes most as soft spoken and quiet, but drugs bring out this monster sometimes. I guess we both had that in common. I chose to vent it. Izzy chose to bury it with dope. And when I have one of my moments of clarity and leave him, he just fucking loses it. Izzy loves me. Above every tangible thing, above every dream. But the drugs hold him so tight. It’s not that I’ve never said drugs or me, but I know it would be a draw.
And yes I love him. He courses through my veins just lie some drug I can’t resist. Izzy knows my soul. He gets my fragmented mind. He knows how to handle my mood swings. He knows how to soothe me. He knows how to talk to me. I knew what he told me was true. I trusted no one but Izzy. Izzy had always had my back. Izzy made sure I didn’t have to sleep on the streets. He supported us by dealing while we play in one shitty band after another. We were a package deal because besides love we had musical chemistry.
When he showed up here last night I couldn’t resist him, not as much as I fought to. Nothing works for me like his sweet kisses and needy hands. Sex with anyone else is just sex, but with Izzy it’s love. I loved the son of a bitch, drug addiction or not. He was the other half of me. He held my heart. He always had and he always would. But I had to break the pattern of Izzy fucks up and Axl forgives. This wasn’t meant for us to get back together, this was simply to show I still loved him and need him. Izzy may have been tough as steel on the outside, but the inside was broken. I watched it break. All the things we had to do to make it where we are now killed a part of us just a little bit at a time.
I got angry and Izzy crawled into this shell. But he was assertive when he needs to be, like how he forced his way on me last night. Like the way he takes charge when there’s a problem. The way he wasn’t afraid to pull his gun. It was that monster we struggle with. It was memories flooded him and bringing forth an anger that made vengeance look like penance. Izzy buries a lot of things and never speaks of them. Izzy comes off as aloof, easy going, and calmly handles shit. But Izzy is changing. A fire inside of him wanted out and I know it’s all my fault.
I’ve tried every approach except tough love. I have nothing left in me to live with a junkie day to day. I love him, but I can’t watch himself destruct like this. Maybe on his own his eyes will finally open. Maybe once he has lost every time and hit rock bottom he will start to climb up. Maybe he will get better. I pray for it daily. I pray for him to come back to me. Not Izzy the dope dealing junkie, Jeff the guy with a dream and a hard enough head to do whatever he wants. I miss that determined look in his eye. Now Izzy just flows through in a constant state of melancholy.
Izzy is an Aries. A fire sign who sets their sights on something and go for it. But they need love to motivate them fully. They are known for detachment. They’re sensitive. In a group they manage to blend in, laugh and be witty. Yet they come across heartless at times. They tend to cause their own problems. And like a cat, they always land on their feet. Izzy would get through this when he was ready and not a minute sooner.
I’m not being cruel, despite the fact I’m the gad guy and all. I know being with him last probably makes him think that was our typical make up sex. It’s not. This was my weakness, my addiction I couldn’t resist. But I couldn’t be with him. I had to fight, but he’s so magnetic and hard to resist. Izzy has known me half my life. Those pubescent curiosities were done with Izzy. First kisses and learning to it right, first touches, lying together naked and just making out. Izzy was patient and he never pressured me. Then one day we went all the way. From that moment on we belonged to one another forever. Even if we couldn’t be together. And frankly, I need the sex. No one pleased me the way he did.
I nudge hum, “Get up, get dressed, you gotta go,” I say.
He opens his eyes and looks to me with a frown, “Go, go where? I want to stay with you Fireball, he snuggles into me.”
“Last night doesn’t change anything for us Izz,” I sigh and reach for a cigarette.
He sits up looking at me as if he was rather angry. “Then why the fuck did we make love?!” He shouts throwing daggers with his eyes.
I exhale, “Because you just burst in here and kissed me. You kissed me like Jeff. I wanted you. I still love you Izzy, but you gotta find yourself. That’s a path you have to walk alone honey.”
“So I’m your sex toy now?!?!” He shouts and leaps from the bed and digs through his pockets.
“That’s it Izz, make it all go away. Run from life. Be the coward that can’t hack it.”
He stops what he’s doing and just looks at me like he may cry. “If I don’t shoot up will you let me stay?”
I smile softly and look down, “I’m sorry my dark angel, but no.”
“I can’t fucking believe you Axl! You let me in here last night knowing full well that I wanted you back! We made love and you let me believe it was real. I thought I got you back! Not this morning you’re telling me it was just sex! I fucking love you! How could you lead me on like this?!”
I shake my head and focus on a stain on the carpet. “Because you touch is my weakness. I can’t say no to you Izzy, no more than you can say no to dope. I wish I could let you stay but…but your habit scares me too much. I don’t want to be like Duff and watch you die in my arms. I will always love you Izz, you’re a part of me, but I don’t want the backstage pass anymore. I’m sorry if I led you on or gave you false promises. I just needed to feel you in my arms. I think that’s one habit I can never break.”
Izzy comes over to the bed and sit next to me. He runs his hand across my cheek. “Darlin, please don’t reduce me to your sex slave.”
As he stares into my eyes I get lost. I lean forward to kiss him. Just as I do the door opens and Erin is standing there watching us.
“I thought I told you to leave him alone,” she frowns at Izzy.
“Bitch did you forget the pecking order? Me then you.”
“Not anymore,” she smirks, “Axl asked me to be his exclusive girlfriend. So I hope you enjoyed you goodbye fuck because that’s what it was. Axl chose me.”
Izzy looks at me with the most hurt expression. He quickly starts to get dressed. “You choose this whore over me?” He asks. “She doesn’t give a shit about you darlin.”
“It doesn’t matter Izz. We need a girl on our arm when we are in public. You and I can never do that. It would be I your best interest if you pay a little more attention to your girlfriend.”
“I don’t believe this shit…are you really dumping me for her?” He points at Erin.
“Just remember Izzy,” Erin smirks, “When you kissed him last night you were tasting my pussy.”
Izzy strolls to where she stands. He hovers over her menacingly. “I eat pussy sweetheart. You might want to think about what it is you’re putting in your mouth when you suck him off…it ain’t my pussy juices,” he smirks and storms out the door.
When he left I could feel my heart shattering. I didn’t want to hurt him like this. I look to Erin. “Did you have to be such a cunt. I didn’t want to hurt him like that. I love him.”
“You’ll get over that, and in time so will he. It’s you and me now. That’s what you promised.”
“And I also told you my heart would always be his,” I sigh.
“That too will fade in time,” she says, “Look I bought you a new pair of leather pants.”
I look at her blankly. She couldn’t buy me. She couldn’t take Izzy’s place. She couldn’t make me not love him. “Thanks, you didn’t have to do that.”
She kisses my cheek, “Nothing is too good for my loving man.”
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