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I’m pretty fucking sure my world just exploded. Duff is promising me it’s going to be ok; that we’ll be fine but he’s lying and we both know it. Both of us are crying and I can hardly breathe. Duff’s body is wrapped around mine and he’s trying to comfort me; telling me we’re going to be fine but how can we be after management basically told us that Duff has to marry Mandy as part of a deal with an unknown party who happens to have a video tape of me telling Mandy to move over and I would show her how it’s done. It has to be Nikki because the other part of the deal is that we’re touring with the Crue all summer long and Mandy would be our “hookup” which is another word for “drug mule.” This cannot be happening! Management can’t rip us apart like this! I thought we were safe from being forced to sleep with people we didn’t want to; male or female. Now the threat is Duff agrees to marry Mandy tomorrow in Vegas or we’re both out of the band!

The wedding is supposed to look like an elopement but the press will be all over it. Big surprise my ass; only to the guy in it and rest of the band. Neither one of us wants to give up our careers or each other. So Duff asked for a stipulation or two: 1. A pre-nup that said Mandy walked away from divorce with nothing and 2. If said divorce should occur she kept her mouth shut or she would be sued for defamation of character if she said a word to the press about Duff and I or anyone in the band being gay. Geffen’s stipulation was that they had to stay married at least six months; which would get us through Motley’s summer tour.

If a few hours I’m going to have to say goodbye to my lover; watch him walk out that hotel door and leave to marry another person, to know he was going to have to make love to another person and not want to, again, be rapeed in one more way by one more person. More memories to erase, more memories to erase from his mind which is already so full of things he doesn’t want to remember. More things I’ll need to comfort away in the dark.

But that’s later, now is what we have left for a while. Now is our last few minutes of happiness without having sneak around behind someone’s back. Now is the last time we get to make love without having the scorn of “cheater” surrounding Duff; we have until tomorrow morning. Duff shows no interest in talking to his new bride about the wedding itself, tells her to arrange whatever it is she wants says no to calling his mom or hers, it’s an elopement afterall. They have two days to honeymoon in Vegas before he has to be back and he tells her to plan whatever it is she wants to do. She looks put out but she knows it’s not real so she shouldn’t be that hurt by his lack of interest. She knows

While Duff’s dealing with Mandy I call down and have the honeymoon package send up to our room-rose petals, bubble bath, a chocolat founrtain with fruit, silky bathrobes, and I put mine on and clean up while I wait for him to come upstairs. He had said a half an hour and his time’s almost up. Sure enough he walks in a couple of minutes later and the rooms dark except for the candles they sent and I’m sprawled across the bed in one of the red silky robes with rose petals on the bed. “Holy fuck!” he gasps. I’d have dressed better if I’d known I’d be coming home to this.

“You’re perfect the way you are now drop the clothes and come over here! “ I tell him.

“No fair! I want to put on my robe too! He giggles and grabs it disappearing into the bathroom. I hear the shower turn on and hear him get cleaned up and then he comes out of the bathroom and he’s on me, the robe tied by a tiny silk belt that I slowly slide open and I move my hands down over his chest. We spend the next few hours exploring each other as if we’d never touched each other at all. Our fingers and mouths and eyes caressing one another; each gasp and whispered word burned into our memories. When he entered me; just like the first time he asked me if I was sure I was ready although I doubt he remembered that. I gasped as the head of his cock scraped over my prostate. I loved how he put pillows under my hips then and now to make sure he hit that special spot that made me want to scream every time he touched it. He didn’t just fuck me either; cumming was just secondary here, he made love to me planting soft kisses on my skin and whispering words in my ear; his fingers skimming over my arms and chest. My own fingers fisting his blonde hair as his cries got more desperate as my release quickly built inside of me; my insides tightening around him all I could get out of my mouth was “Duffy, I love you, I love you so much as I let go and orgasm took over.

“I love you too my beautiful baby boy, he answered. Forever, I’m going to love you forever and ever. I gripped his curls hard in a desperate kiss and flipped us over; using the tissues by my bed to clean my belly off but he stopped me and licked it off. “I want to remember the way you taste; I don’t know when I’ll get to taste you again. Then he pulled my cock up to his mouth and sucked on my balls and the guided me into fucking his mouth for a few minutes. I couldn’t fuck him right way, I would blow my load in seconds. I slid down between his legs and spread his legs licking around and around and around his opening while he keened and moaned and squirmed. When I had my spasming dick under control I reached for the bottle of lube on the bedside table and slicked up three of my fingers and started to stretch Duff out. Scissoring him open and dancing over his prostate. I lean down and suck him into my mouth, the head of his cock sliding into the back of my throat a few times, my fingers playing inside of him and in seconds he reaches his climax; his seed spraying out into my mouth and down my throat and he just groans and pants my name until he’s able to be still.

I kiss my way up his neck and suck and nip my way to his ear and run my tongue around the curve of it and he jumps. I laugh and bring my lips to his and the kiss is deep and frought with pain and ecstasy and heartbreak; my heart flowing out through my lips; his own feelings flowing back into me. He pulls away just long enough to whisper in my ear “Please take me: I need you baby boy, please, now!” he begs. I don’t make him wait I just enter him and make love to him the way I was made to. That’s what people don’t realize, stupid people who call us gays or homos, we just are who we are; it’s not a choice. Duff is my soul mate whether or not he’s a male or a female doesn’t matter; its Duff I want. I liked the same things all little boys liked BMX bikes and lizards and snakes and pretty girls but by the time I was a teenager I would have fucked anything that moved and mostly that was girls; I was totally scoping out guys and jacking off to porn mags with men in them but I was too scared to try anything. Then when Duff came into our band (mine and Steven’s) I knew there was something about him that was special.

But when he kissed me that night in the Cathouse in front of everyone I knew he was meant for me. The thing with the trucker; the way he cared for me that night sealed it. I was in love. He told me later that was when he knew too was when he saw me dangling from Izzy’s arms bleeding and he was so terrified that he thought he was going to pee his pants. I laughed when he told me that and he punched me and giggled and said “You only pee you’re your pants when you think something has happened to someone you really, really, love. Thast how I knew; when I cared more about you than what people thought about me for peeing my pants.

We don’t sleep that night. We don’t have sex the whole time either but we don’t let go, we shower, we talk, he twirls my curls around his fingers the way he loves to; the way he comforts me when he knows I’m upset. I run my fingers around his lips and kiss his eyes and he whispers “Just remember this moment Curly Sue, remember how much I love you right now. Don’t believe any bullshit you see or hear on TV, it’s all set up and it’s all lies. All l love is you , all I’ll ever love is you.

I grabbed him in a death grip and said “All I love is you too. I got a present for you baby.”

“Curly Sue you didn’t need to buy me a present god knows we’ll have more shit than we’ll ever need soon.”

No, a real gift I said and got up and got it out of my jeans pocket. I opened the little box and put it on the bed. Inside were two earrings made from guitar strings with a black opal bead between two silver ones. “One day, when we can get married, we can wear these at our wedding until then, just wear it every day. Promise.”

“Duff looks up at me with a huge smile on his face with tears in his eyes and whispers “I promise” and we both put them in our ears.
“I love you so much baby boy,” he whispers. I love you too tall, blonde, and handsome. You’re my life, don’t forget that baby boy, not ever; because I won’t. I won’t and I promise to wear this while I’m repeating meaningless vows; I ‘ll touch it and think about who I'd rather be really promising those things to.

We decide to spend the next half an hour before our handlers come for us getting wasted Duff downs most of a bottle of vodka and I shoot up two huge amount of heroin, Our logic is that the pain won’t hurt as much if we can’t feel it or remember it. So when morning comes and security and Alan come for him it feels more like a dream for both of us I pull him into one last kiss; he’s so limp he collapses against me but he knows where he is and who he’s with and his kisses are sweet, and sad and I fondle his ear ring and he returns the gesture and he pulls it together enough to say “There’s always hope and you taste like hope to me. Then he bends his head down a little and kisses me over my heart and says hope and love are always right here and he fingers my earring and kisses and tugs on the loop and says and you can remember that every time you see and feel this earring that our hearts make an eternal circle around each other. I love you, it’s going to be ok. We’ll get through it. I love you too," Duff says and holds on tight for another second before he falls back into the security guy and they lead him away. He looks back once and I blow him a kiss; and then he;s gone, my love it is gone and I can’t do anything about it.