Categories > Cartoons > Family Guy

Volcano Pitts

by PickleGarden 0 reviews

Peter and Chris have a father/son bonding day they'll never forget.

Category: Family Guy - Rating: PG-13 - Genres: Humor,Parody - Published: 2018-10-11 - 4578 words - Complete


Peter Griffin was always the first one to get out of bed on Saturday mornings. While everyone else slept in. Doing that silly tittering Peter always does, he sneaks downstairs and fixes himself a bowl of Frosted Flakes.

"Waking up on Saturday Mornings with a bowl of Frosted Flakes! It's GGGRRRRREEEEEAAAAATTTT!" Peter laughed loudly. Going to sit down with his bowl of cereal, Peter says, "Now it's time for a Saturday Morning experience!" Wanting to try out the Hulu app the Griffins had installed on their TV.

Peter talks into the remote, "Show me 1990s Saturday Morning Cartoons!" The Hulu screen shows a selection of cartoons from the 1990s. Peter was all excited, "Where do I start first?" Using the remote, Peter chooses the Disney cartoon Marsupillami. "This looks mind blowing!" The screens shows the opening to the cartoon that had Peter sing along to the theme song.

"Marsupilami comin' runnin' through the jungle!" sang Peter who then began to dance nonsensically and singing and making noise.

"He's so co-co nutty! We all go bananas singing, HOOBA! HOOBA!" Brian was awaken by Peter's singing and dancing. "Nah, I better not." said Brian who wanted to stop Peter from his silliness but stopped himself. "I'll just let him make an ass of himself. I do that with Stewie."

Peter was happily watching Saturday Morning cartoons on Hulu that he got done with Marsupilami he turns on Stickin' Around. "Wonder what this awesome cartoon is? Boy, I wish I could've been a child in the 1990s! Instead of being a child today with the shit they have on kids nowadays!"

Singing along to the theme song Peter shouts, "For Your Big Fat Information! This is our imagination!" Peter was grateful that Brian and everyone else was still in bed. "So glad to have this TV to myself! Brian and Lois are poopyheads! They never liked me watching cartoons!"

Brian and Lois were both now awake without Peter's knowledge. Brian goes upstairs first and sees Peter watching Stickin' Around and laughing childishly at it.

Not being able to bare what he witnessed, Brian put his hand in over his eyes. "Please tell me I didn't just see that! Uhhhh. I need a drink!"

Lois walk by the iving room, and into the kitchen. "Good morning handsome!" Peter got easily annoyed.

"Don't bother me when the cartoons are on!"

"All right, Peter. Was planning on making us a romantic breakfast..."

Brian was in the kitchen drinking a martini in a disgusted manner. Lois was bewildered to see the family dog drink early in the morning.

"Why are you drinking at this time of day, it's only 8:30!"

"I'll tell you why! There is a grown man in that room. Who's in his mid forties and he's watching cartoons from twenty years ago! Can't get that sight out of my head!"

Lois agreeing with Brian, "It is embarrassing. We never should've gotten that Hulu for our TV. Huge mistake."

"It would be more normal if Peter was watching sports! And what does he do with the Hulu? Watch cartoons?! I mean, come on!"

"You're right, Brian. If anything he should be bonding with Chris on weekends instead of being glued to the tv."

"Maybe we ought to wait until he's done with his shit and then we can suggest he does something with Chris."

"He usually finishes by 10:30. For now we will just let him have his little fun."

For the moment, Lois and Brian just let Peter watch kids cartoons on Hulu. They both knew very well that Peter can't be interrupted when he is in the midst of his so-called, 'Saturday Morning Experience.'

"OH BOY! IT'S THE MIGHTY DUCKS! HOLY FREAKING AWESOME! I NEVER KNEW THE MIGHTY DUCKS HAD CARTOON! hee hee hee hee hee hee! Hey Lois! Hey Brian! Come and watch this!"

Brian and Lois both sighed indignantly. "So, what do you want to do for the next two hours while Peter does this bullshit?" asked Brian.

"We can go on Youtube and look up those internet critics."

"You mean like the Cinema Snob and the Nostalgia Critic?"

"Anything is better than cartoons with Peter!"

Lois and Brian go on the computer while waiting for Peter.


Finally 10:30 had come. Peter was done watching 1990s Saturday Morning cartoons on Hulu. Lois causally walks up to him.

Peter jumps up and down, "Oh Lois! You missed it! I had so much fun! I watched Ducktales and there was this hilarious villain in it named El Captain! When he says 'gold' you just want to crack up! For my grand finale I watched the...GO GO POWER RANGERS!"

"Happy to know you had fun Peter, but it's time to go out, on and for your information, Ducktales was NOT on Saturday Mornings. It was on weekdays!"

"OOOOOOhhhhhhhhh, why do you have to act as like a mother to me?" Peter whined.

"It's the weekend, and it's a perfect time for you to bond with Chris."

"Don't wanna! Don't make me! nyahhh!"

"It's not like I'm asking you to go out for the whole day! Just go for a while and be back in time for dinner."

"But watching these fucking awesome cartoons is really fun!"

"PETER!" Lois glared at her procrastinating husband and tapping her foot. "You rarely spend any time with any of your need to get to know them or..." Peter got the message.

"Can do that I guess. That fishing boat I had is still there when I was a fisherman."

"Good for you! Wonderful! That is something you can start on." Lois was pleased.

Peter decides to take Chris fishing. "Hey, Chris! Come on downstairs! We're going fishing!"

Chris heard him and says, "YAY! TIME WITH DAD!"

Peter and Chris go to Quahog Harbor. Peter found the boat he used to own was still here tied to the deck. It had a notice on it.

"Looks like I owe back wages on this." Peter said giving zero regard to the notice as he threw it out into the ocean.

Chris shows Peter is fishing gear. "Got my gear on!"

"That's what I call thinking ahead!" Peter said. He turns on the engine to the boat and drives it in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean.

Chris and Peter are enjoying their time fishing together. "We ought to be in one of those Pepperidge Farm commercials." Peter stated.

"I love spending time with you Dad! Can we do this next week?" asked Chris.

"How about we do this again on Sunday?" asked Peter.

"No, because after Sunday it's Monday. What happens on Monday? School!"

"Friday night sound good to you?"

Chris agrees, "Friday Night is a-okay with me!"

"You know on Saturdays I like to watch Hulu." and Peter.

"Never knew he even had Hulu." said Chris.

"That's because you're too glued to your iphone!" Peter said.



Chris breathed in the salty ocean air. "This is the stuff dreams are made of!"

Peter tries to breathe the salty ocean air too, but he coughs. Chris and Peter catch a lot of fish until a shark comes and rams into their boat.

"WHAT WAS THAT, DAD!" Chris screamed.

Peter being all startled pointed at that shark, "Think it!"

"We gotta get outta here, Dad!"

"You're right son! We want to be home in time for dinner, not BE DINNER!"

Trying like hell to rev up the engine, Peter didn't succeed. The shark crashed into their boat again and bit the end of the boat and began to swim at fast speeds.




The shark lets go of their boat once they land on a beach area. Chris sees a Volcano. "Where in the world are we, Dad?" "How should I know! I'm not familiar with these islands in the Atlantic. We could be in the Bermuda Triangle for all we know!"

Chris and Peter decide to explore the island. Until they were surrounded by a bunch of soldiers. "STOP! YIELD! FREEZE! SURRENDER!"

"Get down! In the surrender position, Chris, hmmm. Yield?! Nobody says that anymore!"

Fearing they were going to be killed, Chris and Peter put their hands up.

"What brings you fat asses to our island?"

"Aware that you're on private property!"

"Maybe they don't give a fuck!"

Peter snickered, "Soldier said the F Bomb!"

The soldiers aimed their rifles at Peter and Chris.

"Come follow us! We show you to our general!"

"Try to run away, you die!"

Peter and Chris were being lead away by the soliders and all of them enter the volcano through a hidden door. "Volcanos have doors? Who knew!" Peter laughed until one of the soliders hit him on his head with their rifle.


Inside the volcano there was a corridor. The soldiers were leading Peter and Chris to a room. On the way there, a scantily clad woman was looking at them both coldly. "Wow! Evil chicks are so hot!" Chris said. Peter laughed, "I'd so fuck her if I wasn't married to Lois!" "Take them to the general!" she ordered. The soldiers took Peter and Chris to the general whose name was General Malevolent. "Bring the prisoners to me! As you were!"

The soldiers all left and went back to guarding the volcanic island. General Malevolent decided to interrogate Peter and Chris. "What are you doing trespassing on our private island.

To cope with the situation, Peter tries to tell jokes, "You mean your own Private Idaho! Get it? It's a River Phoenix movie!"

"QUIET! I'll ask the questions around here! Now again! What are you doing on our..."

Chris cut in, "We were just on a father/son fishing trip until a shark rammed into our boat, before we knew it we were here."

"I don't believe you! Anyone who comes to our island, stays in our island!" General Malevolent warned the obese father and son.

"You sound like those Las Vegas commercials!" laughed Peter.

"Who are you and what do you want with us?" asked Chris in a scared voice.

"I am General Malevolent. I rule this island with iron will."

"Are you any related to Maleficent?" laughed Peter.

"That is enough! Decided on your fates. Guards!"

Guards grabbed Peter and Chris. "Take the fat one to the room of terrors. And the other fat one to the underpass!"

Peter and Chris were both terrified out of their wits. "Some father/son bonding weekend this turned out to be, huh Chris?"

"Are we going to be murdered?" innocently asked Chris.

"Sure looks that way!" Peter said.

"You never have been one to reassure us!" Chris stated rolling his eyes.

Peter was taken to the Room of Terrors that had a metal cot and a pen and a swinging pendulum on the ceiling. The guards tied Peter's hands and feet to the railings. Chris was thrown in the underpass. The guards told them, "Don't even think about escaping! Because there is none!" The guards left Peter and Chris to their doom and waited for more instructions from General Malevolent.


In the Room of Terrors Peter glances nervously at the swinging pendulum. General Malevolent and the guards were watching them both on their closed circuit televisions.


Chris was exploring his surroundings in the underpass. "This doesn't look so bad...I just gotta save my Dad! He'd do the same for me!"

General Malevolent pulls down a lever and a huge cake lands on Chris. "That'll hold him for a while! If fat people have one weakness, it's fatty foods!"

"You're a genius, General!" said one of the guards.

Chris licked off the cake. "Hmmm. This is delicious! If only I had some pancakes!"

General Malevolent ordered, "Let's give him what he wants!"

The guards pulled down another lever and some huge person sized pancakes landed on Chris as he was walking along.

"WOAH! This reminds me of Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs!" Chris said eating the pancakes and then tried to go on. "! Now I have a hankering for an ice cream sundae!"

General Malevolent chortled, "You ask and you shall receive!" Another lever was pulled. Chris saw the ice cream sundae and realized it was all a trap.

"Wait a minute, I think these could be distractions so I won't save my Dad! Gotta get out of here!"

The human sized ice cream sundae landed on Chris's body. In the Room of Terrors, Peter was holding onto some hope that him and Chris will be rescued. "Someone will come to save us soon! If only one of our friends like Joe, Brian, or Quagmire will know we haven't came back in time. Promised Lois I'd be back for dinner!" The pendulum was growing closer, "I'm going to be sliced in half soon! Well this is it! I see my life flash before my eyes! Guess it's true! This IS what happens to people before they die!"

Chris struggled to get out of the ice cream sundae but couldn't help be tempted to eat it. "He likes your ice cream sundae, sir! Let's give him a burger, fries, then a pizza!"

"Magnificent ideas! At least I don't have any morons working for me!" General Malevolent stated as he pulled down another lever. A huge sized hamburger with every topping imaginable lands on Chris then some French Fries and a giant sized pizza lands squarely on Chris's head.

The General and the guards were all laughing, "Soon these trespassers will be six feet under!"

Chris finally gets some willpower and fights his way out of the food. "I'! Will...not...put...up...with...this...shit!!" Chris runs forward in the underpass trying to look for a way out. "DAD! DAD! I'm coming!"

Peter hears Chris in the Room of Terrors. "Chris! I'm in here! Can you hear me!"

"Loud and clear!" Chris yelled. Running around the underpass that Chris was imprisoned in, he sees a door that leads to the Room of Terrors. "Hold on Dad!"

"Dammit! They've defied our traps!" said one of the guards.

"No need to worry. I will make certain they NEVER get off this island!" General Malevolent said.

Chris makes his way out of the underpass and runs into the Room of Terrors, "DAD! I'm here!"

"You've made it! Chris! Get me out of here! I'm about to become sliced canned Peter!"

"I won't let that happen! Nobody tries to murder my Dad!"

Peter was soon freed from the cot by Chris. The pendulum cut the cot in half. Much to Peter's relief.

"Why in the world are these assholes trying to kill us Dad?"

"I don't know. There's a lot of sick fucks in the world Chris!"

Before they can leave the Room of Terrors, the soliders from earlier surrounded Peter and Chris once again.

"Holy freaking crap! How can this get any worse!" Peter said sadly.

"You're both going back to see the General!" the soliders told them.

Meanwhile, back in Quahog, Lois had dinner ready and was worried that Peter and Chris haven't come back yet.

"It's not like them to be so late. What could be keeping them?" asked Lois.

"Don't sweat it, Lois. Peter probably took Chris to a nudie bar." Brian told her.

"Got this dinner ready and..." Lois said.

"I'll try to find out where they are!" Brian said headed to Stewie's room.

Stewie was watching Peter and Chris through his computer. "Hey, Brian! In the mood for a laugh?! I've accessed Peter's and Chris's location on my laptop here!"

"That is good, Stewie! Are they in any danger?" asked Brian to the evil baby genius.

"Are they ever! They're stuck on a Volcano Island with some General and his soliders who are commiting besentment upon them both!"

Stewie was enjoying what was happening to Peter and Chris. "Now Peter is finally paying for being such a fucking asshole to us all these years, hey, Brian?!"

Brian took the computer and sees Peter and Chris. "Holy Crap, Stewie! They're going to be killed!"

"Oh come on, Brian! This is good enough for Trigger Happy TV! This is comic gold! Comedy Central Material!" Stewie said evilly happily.

Brian decides to take action and goes into Stewie's weapon room and takes out a robotic suit.

"What the duece! Where the fuck are you going with that suit?" Stewie shouted.

"Saving Peter and Chris! That's what! I am NOT going to sit around and have Peter and Chris get killed by a bunch of lunatics!"

"You give that back you quadrepent! I was saving that to destroy people who make me pissed!"

"Make another robotic suit, ass! I'm using this for good!" Brian said.

Stewie yelled, "BLAST! Chris and the Fatman are going to be saved! Always wanted to see my family..."

Lois walks into Stewie's room. "Stewie sweetie! Time for din din!" Stewie yells as Lois carries him to the kitchen. "Someday before you all know it! You Griffin family will go, 'BOOM!' You hear me! 'BOOM'!"

"You are so cute when you get crabby!" Lois cooed her baby.

Brian uses the Robotic Suit to fly to the Volcano Island to save Chris and Peter.

"Hey! Look at me! I'm like Robert Downey Jr. in Iron Man!"

Brian drops a missile from the suit and it lands on Quagmire's house that causes it to explode. "Suck on this, Quagmire!"

Quagmire's house was blown to bits. Soon, some hookers were running out of this house on fire. Quagmire screams into the sky and cries.



Before long, Peter and Chris were dragged into General Malevolent's main office. Who has something sinister in store for them both.

"Amazing office you have! It's like that one in Office Space!" Peter joked once more. "Say, do you have an employees who wants to know where the stapler is! He was the most hilarious character in that movie, let me tell ya..."

General Malevolent's temper was over it's limits. "There is no way you're going to clown your way out of this one, fatass! I don't even understand these jokes of yours!"

"Watch your mouth! That's not nice! Who're you calling fatass?" Chris shouted.

"HEY! I DO THE TALKING AROUND HERE! For you see. Gentlemen. Things are about to get serious! Very...very...serious!" General Malevolent said wringing his hands.

The soliders lead Peter and Chris to a part of the office that had a tarp over it. The soliders removed the tarp and underneath looked to be a hole in the floor.

"Do you know what this is, gentleman?" General Malevolent asked.

Peter looked at the hole on the floor and said, "That's a hole on the ground. Lois always tells me I don't know the difference between that and my ass! hee hee hee hee! Suck on that, bitch wife!"

"You're wrong. It is a bottomless pit! The ultimate punishment for my most defiant of prisoners. Give these men a demonstration!" demanded General Malevolent. One of the soliders got a huge rock and threw it down the bottomless pit. Chris and Peter were now overcome with a lost for words. "Uh, uh. I didn't hear that rock go down!" Chris said. "Correct! This pit is bottomless. You both will be thrown in, doomed to fall for all eternity! You are both doomed!" General Malevolent walks casually up to Peter's face and says in a soft voice, "doomed...Doomed..." his voice then raises to high decibels screaming in Peter's face, "DDDDDDDOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEDDDDD! Into the pit with them! BOTH OF THEM!"

The soldiers manhandled Peter and Chris and tried to exert and impel them into throwing them into the Bottomless Pit. General Malevolent stared at them both with an evil gleam in his eye. "See? I told you nobody makes it out of my Volcano Island alive!" "This is it! Dad! This is it! We're going to decease!" Chris cried. "Rest assured, Chris! There is a way out of this!" Peter promised. "What do we do? These soldiers have a grip of steal!" Chris dwelled. "As do I! For I have a kick of steal! A 'Roadhouse' Kick of steal!" Peter indicated.

"Well I hope you can come up with something soon!" Chris said. Peter freed himself from the soldiers grip and kicked him in the face and said, "ROADHOUSE!" "All right, Dad! That was awesome! I wanna try!" Chris then frees himself with all his might from the soldiers grip and kicks the solider in the face, "ROADHOUSE!" Chris laughed.

General Malevolent was outraged and disgusted at how Peter and Chris overpowered his soliders. "I'll get you yet! Guards! Soliders! Manhandle them!"

"I don't think so!" Peter said confidently. Then more and more soldiers and guards chased Peter and Chris out of the mad General's office. "There's just so many of them!" Chris yelled in fear. "No worry! Just keep doing Roadhouse kicks you'll be okay!" Peter said.

Soldiers and guards were running after them by the dozens and Peter kicked them all, Chris does the same. As they were kicking and beating the soldiers and guards they both said, "ROADHOUSE!" ROADHOUSE!" "ROADHOUSE!" "ROADHOUSE"! Chris was laughing with glee as he kicked some more soliders, "Keep 'em coming! This is fun! ROADHOUSE! ROADHOUSE! ROADHOUSE!" Peter kicked some more soliders and guards coming their way as he always says in his devil-may-care like manner, "And a Roadhouse kick here! And a Roadhouse kick there! Here's a kick! There's a kick! Everywhere a Roadhouse kick!"

The guards and soliders were becoming less and less, thanks to Peter's and Chris's Roadhouse kicks. "These people are insane! KILL THEM, DON'T LET THEM ESCAPE!" General Malevolent roared while eating a baseball mitt. Peter and Chris ran into an empty room as they found themselves once again surrounded by soliders and guards. "Allow me to quote Drew Barrymore in Charlie's Angels! By the time this is over, all of you will be face down on the floor!" Peter making a pledge to defeat them all. The soliders and guards laughed, "like to see you try fucktard!"

"We're way cooler than she is, Dad! Hell, we're cooler than James Bond." Chris exclaimed. The solider and guards charged at them, however Peter and Chris were able to take them all down with their signature Roadhouse kicks. Soon they were all defeated, and Peter stands and shouts triumphantly, "And that's! Kicking your ass!" "Wanna moonwalk outta here, Dad!" "You bet!"

Chris and Peter both moonwalked out of the room only to incidentely bump into General Malevolent. Peter's eyes bolted as he nervously turned around and let out a terrified scream with his eyeballs popping out. "What's wrong Dad? Did we do the moonwalk right?" "IIIITTTT'S HHHIIIMMMM AAAAGGAAIIIIN!"

General Malevolent spat in their faces, "I must say. Quite impressed with the way you both thwarted and vanquished by soliders and guards. Now, let's see how you can defeat..." General Malevolent takes off his uniform and is now wearing a spandex jumpsuit and a black cape. "Was that a striptease Dad?" "I dunno, son! Now he looks like something out of the Rocky Horror Picture Show!"


Growling and inching closing to Peter and Chris, they didn't know what to do. "Ohhhhh. What'll we going to do, Dad?" "Guess I ran out of ideas! And energy too!"

"NOW! WHICH ONE OF YOU WANTS TO DIE FIRST!" General Malevolent asked them. Just as he was about to dive at Peter and Chris, the canopy roof of the Volcano Island broke and in comes Brian Griffin dressed in Stewie's Robotic Suit.

"PETER! I've come to help you!"


Peter and Chris stand by and bare witness as they see Brian in the Robotic Suit beat the ever loving daylights out of General Malevolent in a ruthless fashion. Skin and blood were flying everywhere. The evil, cruel, fiendish, barbarous General was howling in pain while asking whoever it was that was battering and pummeling him.


General Malevolent was no more, Brian stands over him and declares, "My name...IS NOBODY!" Peter and Chris applaud and salute.

"What do you know! We were saved by a Transformer!" Chris said.

"Yeah we were! Wonder how he knew us?" Peter answered unobservantly.

Chris walks up to Brian in the Robotic Suit. "Thank you very much for saving Optimus Prime!"

"Anything we can do to repay you?" asked Peter admirably.

Brian begins, "Indeed there is! Two things. You better get off this island. The Volcano is about to explode!"

"What's the second thing?" asked Peter.

"Stay outta trouble!" Brian said.

"That's good advice for Dad! He's always getting into trouble." Chris laughed. "That goes for BOTH OF YOU! Have a wonderful day!" Brian spoke out. Then Brian flew into the sky and back to Spooner Street.

Peter and Chris felt some pulsations from the volcano island. "Can a volcano dance?" Peter frighteningly asked. "NO, DAD! That's the Volcano Island! It's going to explode! We need to evacuate!" Chris said.

Chris followed Peter's lead when they were both running for their lives. Explosions and implosions were constantly consisting with rocks and debris falling all around. "Think we came in through here! A-ha! it's this way! Come on!" Finally, Peter and Chris managed to make their way out of the Volcano Island. "I can fell the earth move under my feet!" Peter screamed.

"Son of a bitch! That shitheaded Transformer could've at least fucking offered us a ride back home!" Peter antagonized. "Which is why its better to get rescued by the Ninja Turtles!" Chris implies.

Chris and Peter were on the beach. "Any smart ideas, genius, Dad?"

Peter and Chris both got into the water, "Looks like we'll have to swim our way back to Quahog, Chris!"

Swimming away the Volcano Island erupted with lava and imploded in upon itself. General Malevolent's Volcano Island was now a thing of the past. Peter and Chris both had a conversation swimming their way back home.

"Dad? I actually had fun with you on this journey."

"You did? Yes, you're right. It was kinda fun."

"In fact, I think this was the best father/son bonding weekend trip ever! Can we do it again?"

"As they say in the Grey Poupon commercials, 'But of course'! Next week! God willing we might have another evil villain deal with!"

"Can't wait to tell everyone what fun we had! Will they be jealous or what!"

"Way more fun than I've ever had with Joe, Cleveland, or Quagmire!"

"One thing is certain, at least you weren't trying to marry me!"

"hee hee hee hee hee hee! Damn right! This is and WAS better than that! I almost faced a prison sentence during that time!"

Chris and Peter continued to swim until they were spotted by a Coast Guard boat who rescued them. The Coast Guard Boat returned Peter and Chris back to Quahog where they came home just in time for dinner and telling them or their tale of adventurous trip.
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