Categories > Cartoons > Family Guy

I Know What You Did Last Weekend

by narwhalpuppy 2 reviews

Quagmire gives Peter a porno from Japan. That soon sets of a disturbing chain reaction.

Category: Family Guy - Rating: PG-13 - Genres: Humor - Warnings: [V] [X] - Published: 2019-03-28 - 7004 words - Complete


Quagmire gives Peter a pornographic DVD from Japan. That soon sets off a disturbing chain of events.

Family Guy Presents:

A Narwhal Puppy Production.

I Know What You Did Last Weekend.

One Thursday night Peter Griffin was alone in his house. Can't wait for Friday which made way for the weekend. Lois and the rest of Peter's family were spending Carter's birthday in New York City. "One more work day to go." Peter thinks loudly. "Then I can really have some fun!" Much to Peter's annoyance a knock was heard at the door. "Who could that be at this hour? I hope it's not that stupid ass insurance agent again." Peter goes to answer the door and was delighted that it was Glenn Quagmire, "Hey, Quagmire! What brings you here?"

"Hey, Peter! Just got back from flying a plane from Tokyo!" Peter says, "Bet you brought home and Asian prostitute!" "No but I screwed some up the ass! " said Quagmire who then looks through his carry on bag. "Brought you a little treat you are just going to love!" "Oh boy! You mean a present? I love surprises!" Quagmire takes out a DVD that he gives to Peter. "This is a DVD a Japanese porno called Sexercise!"

Peter and Quagmire say back and forth in utter happiness and excitement.





"Way cool! And freaking awesome! A porno from Japan! Best thing that ever happen to us since we were stunt doubles on the movie Spaceballs!" Peter cheers.

Cutaway Scene:

Col. Sanders has his armies stop Lone Star, Bark, Dot Matrix and Princess Vespa. "So Princess you thought you could outwit the forces of......" The Spaceballs characters show themselves to Col. Sanders and it's really Peter dressed as lone Star, Joe was Barf, Quagmire was Dot Matrix, and Cleveland was Princess Vespa. "You idiots! These are not them! You captured their stunt doubles!"

Peter invites Quagmire to watch Sexercise. "I really would like to watch this tonight, but I got to think about stupid work tomorrow. Bert and Sheila have been on our asses a lot." Quagmire agrees, "All right! Friday night is a perfect night to watch porn anyway!" "We'll invite Joe and Cleveland to join us too!" Peter says settling the deal. Reporting to work on Friday, Peter notices that Pawtucket Brewery is closed for the day. Bert and Sheila approach him. "Hi, Peter. Eager to begin the work day?" jookes Bert. "Yes I am. The sooner I get this day over, the sooner I join my friends for.......Friday Movie Night." Peter tells them. Sheila says, "You can go home we have to go visit my mother. She has mental health issues." Peter was astounded, "You mean I get the day off?" "That's exactly what we mean." said Bert. "Have a great extended weekend!" said Sheila who walks off with Bert and says, "Wish he could've at least shown some concern for my mother."

Being ecstatic of getting Friday off, Peter was gleeful he contacts Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire. "I'll use three way dial. hee hee hee hee! Three way!" 'Hey Peter!" the three of them answered on their cellphones. "I got Friday off! We can watch that Japanese Porn today, right now! Turns out Sheila's mother is clinically insane!" Joe sadly informs Peter, "I don't get off work until 6." "Yeah, same with me." said Cleveland. "I'm kind of busy playing a sex game at the moment." Quagmire says. Peter turned bitter at the fact that he had to wait to watch Sexercise. "How am I going to spend my day now?" Mort walks by Peter and says, "Just because you get the day off, doesn't mean you friends do." Hanging his head, Peter heads back home. "At least I don't have to watch Stewie or nothing like that." With Lois, Brian, Stewie, Meg, and Chris being out of town. Peter was at a loss of what to do with himself until 6 pm. "Family." Peter sighs. "Sometimes you don't want them around, and other times you do."


"Thought having the day off would make me happy." Peter thinks to himself. Waiting for Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire to get out of work, Peter just sat on Stewie's swingset until nightfall. "Haven't been this miserable since I auditioned for the role of Lenny in that Of Mice and Men movie."

Cutaway Scene:

Peter is dressed as Lenny Smalls. As he resides in a cabin on the movie set with an actress as Curley's Wife. "Oh what a pretty lady! Ooooooh! I want to squeeze......." Peter squeezes the actress until she suffocates. Peter takes a step back to see what he's done and begins to sob. The director and executive producer saw what happened, and they yell, "GET OUT!" Peter cries to them, "I was only doing what the script said." "We don't wanna hear it! You were supposed to hug her and look like you were squeezing her, not actually squeeze her!" The director says, "Let's call John Malcovich for this role." The executive producer agrees, "Good idea. Make sure this schumcky shithead never works in this town again!" Peter shows himself out running away and crying.

Night had come. Peter was anxiously awaiting his friends to get out of work. "Should not take this long to come home from work." Peter complains. A car horn is heard on Peter's driveway. He was amazed that it was Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire coming to join him. "Weeee'rrrrreeee hhhhheeeeerrrrreeeee!" Cleveland shouts. "Awesome! Waited all day for you guys! Thought you would never get out of work!" said Peter. "Are we going to watch that porn I gave you!" asks Quagmire. "That's why we're here! " Peter says inserting the Sexercise DVD in the player. Joe brought some appetizers. "We can have a little snack along with this porn and we'll get really gross like first graders at a sleepover!" "Oh I'd love that" Cleveland said. The DVD played and Peter fast forwarded through the FBI Warning, that they all laughed at because it was in Japanese. "A Japanese FBI warning! That's hilarious!" laughs Quagmire. The DVD porn was about to begin. In no time at all, the four friends were having the time of their lives watching a Japanese Porno. "I don't know what I like better, Japanese Porn or Korean Pop!" exclaims Peter. "How long is Lois going to be gone?" asked Cleveland. "She's having so much fun with her family, she's staying for another week!" said Peter.

"Wish Bonnie would leave me for that long!" said Joe. Watching the porn, Quagmire says, "Oh look at that! Look at that!" "AAAAWWWWW OOOOOOOOHHHHHHH!" Mort walks by Peter's house and looks inside the window. Mort was shell shocked seeing that Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire were watching a triple X Japanese Porno. Mort looks at the screen with a freakish look on his face and a gong is heard in the background. Even after the porno was over, the party had just begun! Peter, Joe, Cleveland and Quagmire were throwing everything at each other from pillows, bed mattresses, mirrors and even the appetizers Joe brought over. "WWWWWOOOOO! HHHHHHHOOOOOOO!!! PORNO PARTY!" Cleveland shouted. The refrigerator was raided because it was packed with beer that they all got drunk on.

"SEXERCISE! OH YEAH!" "SEXERCISE! FREAKING SWEET" "SEXERCISE!" "SEXERCISE! GIGGITY GIGGITY!" the four of them kept screaming. Saturday had come. Cleveland, Joe, and Quagmire were at the Drunken Clam. Peter stayed home to watch Sexercise again however Peter was still drunk and passed out from the beer. "At least we're not hung over from that party." said Cleveland. "That was the most epic porno party we ever had!" said Quagmire. "That's because I had you guys take some anti hangover pills I got down at the station!" said Joe. "Hope you don't get caught." said Cleveland. "Relax, none of those cops have any idea!" said Joe. Quagmire then sighs as if he were depressed. "What's wrong, Glenn?" asks Cleveland. "Weren't you happy that we watched Sexercise last night?" Joe asked. "I am. It's just that.....sigh. I bought that DVD while I was layed over in Tokyo and who of all people do I give it to? Peter!" Cleveland, "Go on, Quagmire." said Cleveland. "We know there's more to this from what you're telling us." said Joe. Quagmire goes on, "I have lots of porno DVDs, and I give Peter of all people the best one ever made! Let's face it. Peter has the best porno we ever saw and possibly was ever created!" "Peter sure enjoyed himself last night." said Joe. "That's the point. He can watch the DVD anytime he wants." said Quagmire. "You're correct about that, Peter always does take his friends and the things we give him for granted." implies Joe.

Quagmire explains, "Wish I would've had more money on me at the time. So I can get a copy for all of you."

"I get what's going on here! You're jealous!" Cleveland saie

"Jealous, no way! I just bought one because I wanted to save some money to pay for my motel room." said Quagmire who pounds his fists on the table. "Let's see The truth. Peter is not worthy of owning the greatest porno made!"

"You know, we can always sneak in and watch Sexercise while Peter is sleeping! What do you say!" said Joe. "After all Peter does sleep for days after getting drunk. ".

"Love how you think, Joe! I'm in!" said Cleveland.

"Breaking in and entering! That shit is one of my many specialities!" said Quagmire.

Cleveland and Quagmire decide to follow on Joe's plan. They arrive at Peter's house and they see Peter passed out on the couch. Joe and Cleveland put Peter upstairs in his bedroom. Quagmire sees the DVD was still inside the player. "Let's watch it again!" said Joe. "Yes but we need to be very quiet." said Cleveland. "We'll put it on mute if we have to." said Quagmire. Peter was sleeping in his bed totally unaware that Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire were watching the porno again.

"Even better a second time!" said Quagmire.

"It's even got Japanese Closed Caption! For the hearing impaired!" laughs Joe.

"Hush! Quiet! I'm enjoying it too. But we need to keep our mouths shut!" said Cleveland.

Joe then has a plan. "When Peter gets drunk he sleeps it off for a week."

"What are you saying?" asked Cleveland.

"How about we come back tomorrow and watch it again!" said Joe.

"All right! We meet here tomorrow! I don't feel so jealous anymore." admitted Quagmire.

"He always does stuff without our knowledge. So we will do the same to him!" said Cleveland.

The next two days, Peter still in bed sleeping, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire watch the Sexercise DVD again. The third try isn't always a charm when they come into Peter's house to watch Sexercise and this time the DVD player breaks. Gasping and screaming neither of them knew what to do.

"We broke Peter's DVD player!" panicked Cleveland.

"NNNNOOO!!! NNNNNNNOOOO! NNNNNNOOOO!" yelled Quagmire who grabs the DVD player and screams into the slot, "WORK DAMMIT! WWWWWOOOOOORRRRRRKKKKKK!"

Joe said with fright, "If Peter finds out he'll kill us!"

"None of us know how to fix a DVD player!" said Cleveland.

"We can bury it in the woods and tell him robbers took it. Don't really have a lot of options here." said Quagmire.

Joe tells him, "Quagmire! You're a genius! That's exactly what we will do!"

"We'll go deep into the woods! Let's get some shovels from our garages." said Cleveland.

Joe drives Cleveland, Quagmire, and the damaged DVD player to the place called Million Acre Woods. A thunderstorm was brewing in the distance. Cleveland, Quagmire, and Joe take their shovels and dig a hole under a playground. "Maybe we'll find a dead black policeman buried underneath here." said Quagmire. "Who're you? Peter all of the sudden? Making fun of my skin color?" said Cleveland. "It was from an episode of In The Heat Of The Night that I saw." explains Quagmire. Joe threw the DVD player into the deep hole then helped Quagmire and Cleveland fill it up.

"Now remember! We take this to our graves"! said Quagmire.

"Exactly! Peter can never know!" said Joe

"If he ever found out I'd end up like Jennifer Love Hewitt at the end of I Still Know What You Did Last Summer" said Cleveland.

Cutaway Scene

Cleveland is seen sitting on a bed. Then a hooked hand grabs him by the ankle and pulls him underneath. "WWWWOOOOOOAAAAAAHHHHHH!" Leaving Cleveland's fate unknown.

Only a few yards away. A person with a black bed sheet over it's body watches Quagmire, Cleveland, and Joe bury the broken DVD player. A close up of the person is shown with an evil look in the eyes.


At Quagmire's house the following morning, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire had high amounts of stress. Tension was building up inside them. They were nervous like there was no tomorrow.

"Think anybody saw us?" asked Cleveland.

"You're worried about THAT!? I feel like a complete hypocrite for breaking into Peter's house to watch that porn! I'm a cop! I stop break ins not cause them!" shouted Joe.

Quagmire says in full regret, "Maybe it wasn't such a good idea. To even get the porn and watch it at all."

Cleveland assures, "It wasn't your fault Quagmire. You couldn't forseen or prevent this chain of events from happening."

Joe says, "Worse yet? What's Peter going to do when he sees his DVD Player is missing!"

Cleveland said, "Peter never cared about anything like that. He'll be so oblivious he won't know......."

"Peter always cares if something bad happens to his stuff! Who knows what he'll do to us!" said Joe.

"You're right, Joe! He'd probably have us sent to the Pound My Ass Prison in the movie Idiocracy!" said Quagmire.

Cutaway Scene.

Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire were shown in line at the prison from the movie Idiocracy. They look out a barred window and see a bald, obese inmate sitting on some inmates and blows a kiss at Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire who freak out and wince.

"The best thing to do is to tell Peter the truth. You know face the music." said Joe. "We will just conjure up a lie. Peter believes anything anybody tells him anyway." suggested Cleveland. "Or we could say a black guy stole his DVD player." said Quagmire. Cleveland being offended says, "Why is it always black people with you guys! WHAT? Only blacks can be theives! Racists sons of bitches! Should've stayed friends with Jerome." As Cleveland and Quagmire were about to agree with Joe to come forward once Peter wakes up, a rock is thrown through Quagmire's window. "Dammit! Not another paternity suit." says Quagmire as he was picking up the rock that had a message written in black marker. "What does it say?" asked Joe.

Cleveland reads the message on the rock, "I Know What You Did Last Weekend." Quagmire, Joe, and Cleveland run around the scream in Quagmire's living room. The noise woke up Peter. "Woah! Where am I? Must've been totally shit wasted!" said Peter. "I know what will make me feel better! I'll watch Sexercise again!" Peter goes down the living room and screams that his DVD player was gone. Which made Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire fear the worst. "MY PRIZED POSSESSION! DVD PLAYER! SEXERCISE ARE BOTH GONE! WHO STOLE IT!" Peter yelled. Scrambling back and fourth Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire shout, "Somebody saw us!" "Peter knows!" "What'll we do!"

Peter barges into Quagmire's house. "You guys were screaming. Then before I knew it my DVD Player was gone. So was that awesome epic Japanese porno!" Peter's life long friends were stammering at once, then Cleveland calms himself and says, "We just saw some Polynesian guys break into your house while you were sleeping and they are the ones who took your DVD player."

Buying into the lie hook, line, and sinker, Peter believes them. "Okay. I believe you. Joe, thank heavens you're here. You're a policeman, you can find those Polynesian bastards who stole my porn and DVD player." Joe giggles, "Ha hee ha hee. Don't worry Peter. My men are on the case as we speak." "That's cool. Say, do you guys want to hang out together today? I'll let Quagmire pick the place." said Peter.

"All right, sure." said Quagmire. Feeling more calmer as were Joe and Cleveland that Peter now thinks a Polynesian gang stole his DVD and player. Quagmire sees the rock and says, "Let's throw rocks at dumpsters!" "Aww! Sweet! I'll go get ready!" said Peter. The tension drains out of the three. "Knew he'd be moronic enough to believe that." said Quagmire. "Sometimes a lie is better than the truth." said Cleveland. "Especially when it comes to Peter." said Joe. "He didn't suspect a thing." said Joe. "Now that he thinks an imaginary Polynesian gang stole his DVD player, we're in the clear!" said Cleveland.

"Had we told the truth, Peter would annoy the shit out of us when we watch The Smurfs at The Clam." said Quagmire.

Cutaway Scene:

At their booth at the Drunken Clam, Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire were watch The Smurfs on the television there. The scene from The Smurfs shows Gargamel and Azrael were in a mud pit. "BLAST! I'LL GET THOSE SMURFS NEXT TIME! Let's regroup Azrael!" As Gargamel and Azrael get out of the mud they slowly walk back to their castle. Peter begins to hum, "Da Da DA! Da da da da da da da! Da da DA! Da da da da da da da." Quagmire gleams angerly at Peter, "Why are you doing that for?" "Shut up! Can't you see we're trying to watch this!" Cleveland said who was equally appalled. Peter apologizes, "Sorry. There was no music for this scene." "You don't have to sing!" said Joe. "I was just trying to add in some 'Bad Guy Getaway Music.'" Peter said.


In Downtown Quahog. In the back alleyway of that apartment complex where Brian used to reside when he was a Twitter pariah. Who then later returned when he got married to cancer patient Jesse. Peter, Quagmire, Joe, and Cleveland were all meeting at the dumpster. Quagmire had the rock with the message on it. Joe, Peter, and Cleveland all brought a bag of their own rocks.

"Too bad Brian doesn't live there anymore." said Quagmire who's always harbored a never ending detestation towards the Griffin Family's dog. "Got my rock! Throwing this baby away!" referring to the rock that was thrown through Quagmire's window.

"Anyone else bring some rocks! I got mine!" Cleveland exclaims. Joe and Quagmire confirm they have their bags of rocks as well.

"This is going to be more than just a game of Throw Rocks at Dumpsters. We are going to take it to another level." announces Peter.

"Where are you going with this, Peter." asked Joe.

"Gentlemen, we are going to play a game of PIG!" said Peter. "Think that only works in basketball Peter." said Quagmire. "It can work in this game too. Just throw your rock at a dumpster and whoever spells PIG first, wins. I'll start." Peter makes his move and throws all his rocks at the dumpster not giving his friends a chance. "P....I......G! PIG! I WIN! KICKED YOUR ASSES! You all owe me! hee hee hee hee hee." Out of nowhere, a rock flew in from behind Peter's direction and hit him square on the head.

"Oh no! Peter! Are you okay?" screeched Quagmire. "Where the hell did that rock even come from?" said Cleveland. Peter gets up and is in a daze, and he begins to skip away and sing, "Be Our Guest! Be Our Guest! Put Our Service To The Test. Tie Your Napkin Around Your Neck........." "Hmmm, I didn't know Peter liked Beauty And The Beast." said Quagmire. "That isn't like him to like chick flicks." said Joe who them spots the rock that hit Peter and this rock also had a threatening message. "Not this again!" screamed the crippled policeman.

"What is it?" asked Cleveland. "Another message no less." said Joe. "Read it! Don't keep us waiting!" said Quagmire. Joe reads the message that says, "You Better Tell Peter The Truth. I Still Know What You Did Last Weekend!" "Oh shit! Someone is after us about what we did to Peter's DVD!" said Quagmire. "Who even saw us and is now warning us?" said Cleveland. "Maybe that Polynesian Gang we told Peter about is real and is really following us!" said Joe. "Oh, sure! It's fake because I made it up and people with my skin color are always telling stories. You all think we're like Jussie Smollet!" snarked Cleveland.

The mysterious dark configuration from before who saw the bungling trio bury Peter's DVD Player. Still dressed in a dark black bed sheet watches them and snickers.

"The Sexercise Tape is possibly damned, ill-fated." said Quagmire. "No don't think that way, Quagmire. You sound like those Time Life Mystic Places Commercials." said Cleveland. "Quagmire's right. Joe states, "Our luck has taken a turn for the all new low substandard. Instead, we should've seen that Direct to DVD remake of Bad Moms with Mia Farrow and Angelina Jolie.

Cutaway Scene:

Mia Farrow and Angelina Jolie were sitting on a cough drinking champagne. "I sure showed that Woody, didn't I!" laughed Mia Farrow. "Using the Me-Too Movement on him was genius!" said Angelina Jolie. "If only Joan Crawford was still alive. She'd be too proud!" said Mia Farrow. "This one time I was at the airport and I had Maddox tell off Brad by saying he wasn't his father!" Both Angelina Jolie and Mia Farrow crack up in an ignoble way as they toast their champagne goblets.

The following evening, Peter goes over the Joe's as he was wheeling himself to his police car. "Hey, Joe! Going out on patrol tonight?" asked Peter. "Just got called in. What else do you think I'm doing?" said Joe with a indication of paranoia. Peter tells Joe, "You know when I woke up the other day. Hmmm, keep getting knocked out and sleep for some reason. Anyhoo, me being collapsed from drinking, I heard you all screaming. So that's the reason I came over. I was worried and concerned. What was that all about?" Joe gulped and said, "We saw that gang run out of your house, that's why." said Joe. "OKay, I'll buy that. Well, anyway, did you and your men ever catch that Polynesian Gang who stole my DVD player did you?"

"Uhhh," Joe chuntered nervously, "Hee hee, my men are still working on the case!" "Wish I could have heard something by now? What's the hold-up?" asked Peter. "Cases like this take time. It doesn't happen overnight. I will make sure I will bring that gang to justice. I am Officer Joe!" Joe starts singing in a giddy and witless way. "Good old Officer Joe! Those crooks who commit crimes ought to know......" Peter sees Joe drive off into the night. Peter goes back inside his house feeling demoralized. "I'll never get my DVD player back!" Sighing then sobbing. "I loved that DVD player! Now I'll never see it again!"

Bad Flowers Heroin plays.

While driving down the dark roads of Quahog at night, Joe hears a report of a robbery on his police radio. "A Crime In Progress! A robber is trying to blow up the Regions National Bank!" "I must stop this! Regions National Bank, here I come!" Joe gets there but it was a false lead. The Regions National Bank was still under construction. Getting out of his car, Joe wheels around and is armed with a gun. "Give yourself up! There's no other choice! If there is a robber here....." From behind Joe the robber from the Cookie Crisp cereal boxes runs by him.

"Try and catch me you cop son of a bitch! I'm the Cookie Crook!" "What the shit!" said Joe who then chased the Cookie Crook into the almost finished bank building. "You're either after cookies or money, which is it?". Tells Joe. "You have to chase me better than that speedy! Guess you can say I'm playing Hard To Get!" the Cookie Crook laughs. "Get back here! Leave those cookies alone! I'll kick your ass I swear!" yelled Joe. The Cookie Crook had a tazer gun and uses it on Joe who gets a shock of volts that lasts for 2 minutes. Cookie Crook says, "Shocking Isn't It! Now your life is about to crumble! Just like those cookies from Cookie Crisp I steal!" The Cookie Crook kicks a door in the building that made the roof land on Joe who screamed, "THAT COCKSUCKER!"

"Eat drywall! It's delicious, isn't it shit head! You were easier to foil than that asshole Officer Crumb!" the Cookie Crook laughs as he runs into the night. Punching the roof with his bare fists, Joe managed to get himself up from the rubble and got back into his wheelchair. Luckily for Joe he wasn't injured and the roof only landed 12 inches above him. The incomprehensible person who was stalking Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire. Dressed in a dark black bed sheet was standing over Joe with a hook in his hand. To give Joe a lesson in fear the person swings it's hook at Joe back and forth.

"The Cookie Crook I hired to be a diversion! I Know What You Did Last Weekend! And I won't forget it!" the person guffawed. Joe looks away then he turns and sees the person was gone.

Joe was baffled and confused. "" The Flintstones Wah-Wah-Wah-Wah song begins to play.


At Cleveland's house that very same night. Cleveland is at the deli cleaning up before going home for the day. A knock is heard, Cleveland goes to answer it. "Hello, how can I help you? We're closed at the hour." Cleveland gets a better look at who it was. "Aren't you the Maytag Repair Man?" "Yes I am. I fixed some appliances in your house that I saw were broken." "Oh, that's nasty. Thought you only repaired Washing Machines and Dryers." said Cleveland. "Well, that's the thing. I'm so bored and lonely I even come into people's houses and see what they need fixed. Besides I fix anything." said the Maytag Repair Man.

"I'm going home anyway. I'll go see what kind of a job you did so I can pay you!" said Cleveland. "Great! Would you like to come over for some tea sometime? Can't you see how desparate I am for companionship?" asked the Maytag Repair Man. "I'll think about it." said Cleveland going home. The Maytag Repair Man then gets an evil look on his face and says, "Oh yes Cleveland! You will! You will! You will drink my tea! My tea mixed with roofies!" Cleveland goes into his house and sees his appliances were apparently in good order. "These don't seem broken to me. Let's try!" said Cleveland. He goes to his refrigerator opens it and sparks flew as the fridge door broken off.

"AAAAAHHHH!! The hell! The television!" said Cleveland. Turning on the TV, only to see static then fire comes up from the wires. "What in the (beep)". Cleveland could not begin to question what was occurring in his house. Cleveland obsessively checked each and every one of his appliances. Everything from the oven, microwave, garbage disposal, and his washer and dryer. Some appliances imploded, crumpled, exploded, bursts, erupted right in front of him. "Do I have a Poltergeist in my house or something! AAAAAAAHHHHHH!" Cleveland went upstairs to his bathroom and even the bathtub and toilet were out of order. "Some repair man that Maytag dude turned out to be!" Not being aware, Cleveland slips on his grease that causes him to fall out the upstairs window. "YYYIIIKKKKKEEEEESSSS! WHERE DID THIS COME FROM!"

"NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO NOOOOO!!!!!!" Cleveland lands safely in the bushes. "This time Peter wasn't behind this." "But I was!" said a voice near Cleveland. "Who in the what said that! Come out here and face me you son of a bitch!" It was the person in a black bed sheet with the hook in it's hand! "What a coincidence! The other day I referenced I Know What You Did Last Summer in a cutaway gag!" said Cleveland.

The person in the black bed sheet said, "Funny you should mention that movie! Because I Will Always Know What You Did To Peter Griffin Last Weekend! hehehehehehehehehe!!!!!!" "How do you know us! And how do you know?" asked Cleveland. "Never mind who I am! That doesn't matter for now. Enjoy your last 24 hours, mother(beep)er hahahahahahahaaaaa! That deviant libertine you call Quagmire is next!" Cleveland turns away to catch his breath and he turns back to see the black sheeted person was gone. "Gosh I feel so scared out of my ass! Just like Stewie did when Peter made him go down a snowsled when he had a fever."

Cutaway Scene:

A snowy day in Quahog where Peter build a snow hill. Peter had Stewie and a snowsled in his hands. "Hey Stewie! Ready to go down the sled! I'm going to post a video of you on my Facebook to show that not even a fever a slow down my tough as nails son!" Stewie protests, "Put me down you perfidious reticent! You fat sack of shit! I should be resting because I'm sick and you're forcing me to do this?!" Peter places Stewie on the sled and throws him on the snowhill. Stewie screams in terror, "BLAST!" then Stewie crashes into a shed. Brian walks up to Peter, "You just probably got him even more sick. Stewie should be in bed. Fevers are serious for babies. You ought to know that. " "That may be, Brian! But all my Facebook friends will be impressed with what a tough son I raised!"


At the Quahog Library, Quagmire was on a computer. He was alone or so he thought. "There should be some books about the Karma Sutra around here somewhere." In a hall full of library books, a presence is felt which left him cautious. Quagmire looks around, "There's always something spooky about being in a library alone at night." Quagmire takes another look and much to his suspicion it was the black sheeted person with the hook hand. Quagmire yelps and runs away the best that he can. But the black sheeted person ran after him anywhere he went in the library. Quagmire found an exit and ran down more hallways. The Mod Squad theme played. "Since when did this turn into The Mod Squad!" he yelled.

The black sheeted person made sure Quagmire was within close range. Quagmire just keep running from hallway to hallway. "How many hallways does this (beep)ing library have!" Quagmire finally finds some salvation to try to get away. He goes into an elevator. Thinking he is safe. Quagmire breathes a sigh of relief. "Next time I get chased, I hope it's a drunken call girl." he said. The elevator door closes and goes up. After a few seconds, the elevator stops. "Now what!" Quagmire screamed.

The floor of the elevator began to break from below. Quagmire tried to push the emergency button but with no luck. The floor of the elevator continues to break, Quagmire tries climbing up to the top and removes the top. Soon finding himself trapped in the elevator shaft, Quagmire pounds his fists on a thick door in the shaft. "LET ME OUT! LET ME OUT!" The black sheeted person uses it's hook hand to cut up the floor to get Quagmire. Opening the door to the shaft, Quagmire opens it and runs down another hallway finding an exit.

Now on the roof of the library, Quagmire thinks he's gotten away scot free. Now he's going down a fire escape. "That's it! I'm buying books on Amazon from now on and read them on an iphone!" Quagmire vowed. "Behind you!" a voice said. Quagmire turns to see the black sheeted person on top of the fire escape. "What do you want from me!?" Quagmire screamed. "It was you and your friends who broke Peter's DVD and buried it! Now come here!" demanded the black sheeted person. "I'm not taking any chances!" said Quagmire. Jumping off the roof, Quagmire makes his escape by sliding down a pipe.

"Whew. I'm safe now!" said Quagmire. The black sheeted person is now in front of him and wields his hook to look like he was going to kill him. Quagmire kept dodges it's moves. "You're quite a dancer! Weren't you in World Of Dance!" In an act of defense, Quagmire pushes away the black bed sheeted person and runs away like hell won't have it. Running back to his house, Quagmire tries to call the police. "Joe will know what to do! Good thing we're friends with a cop!"

His phone was out of order when he picked it up, "The Number You Have Reached Is Unallocated . Please Hang Up And Try Again.........." "AAAAAHHHH!" Quagmire screams then finds a note. "Not another message." The note reads, "MEET ME AT THE MILLION ACRES WOODS TOMORROW NIGHT! BRING PETER! P.S. I KNOW YOU DID LAST WEEKEND!"

Quagmire distraught and full of aversion. He looks up at the ceiling and sobs. "WHY? WHY? WHY? Was this because of that Japanese Porn Sexercise?"


The coming night, Peter was still depressed that his DVD Player was still gone. Meanwhile, Quagmire was telling Cleveland and Joe about his encounter with the black sheeted person. Peter was crying, "I feel so lonely without my DVD player! Even more lonelier than Gary Goodspeed From Final Space."

Cutaway Scene:

Peter was on board the Galaxy One. He was laying in bed clad in his underwear. The computer HUE informs Peter, "Good Morning Peter, it is Day 1818 time to get up." "How about freaking no!" scoffs Peter. Then the bed throws Peter across the room. "Awww, Dammit!" HUE continues, "You are not a captain, you are a prisoner......." Peter grows sarcastic and says, "Yeah, yeah! I heard you the first million times!"

Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire were at Peter's door. "Hey, fellas." said Peter saddened. "Hey, Peter. How are you holding up since the loss of your DVD player?" asked a concerned Cleveland. "Not very well." responds Peter. Quagmire implies, "Would you like to come to Million Acre Woods with us?" Peter still feeling sad says, "Guess that can sound like fun. Always wanted to meet Winnie the Pooh. Don't mine me, I'm feeling like Eeyore right now." "We'll give you time to get ready." said Joe. Quagmire goes to his car with Joe and Cleveland.

"Last night after I got chased in the library the whoever it is under the black sheet told us to meet him in Million Acre Woods tonight." said Quagmire. "Maybe now we can defeat this son of a bitch and still keep our secret!" said Joe. "I just got paid at my job in the deli, I'm thinking of buying Peter a new DVD Player. So we can finally put this shit behind us." said Cleveland. Peter joins his friends. "I'm ready."

Driving up to Million Acres Woods. Arriving there, Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire got out of the car as they begin to look for the person in the black sheet. "Are we going on a camping trip?" asked Peter. "Just wait here, Peter. There's something we need to do first." said Cleveland. Walking in a distance away from Peter so they can talk in private. "Which one of us should call this asshole?" asked Joe. "Whoever it was got after me the worst, I'll do the honors!" said Quagmire. "Good luck." said Joe. "You're a good man, Quagmire. Even if you are a rapist." said Cleveland.


Peter hears, "Wonder what this is all about? Better not they told me to stay." Peter then sits on a tree stump. "It's no use, Quagmire. Whatever this thing is......" Joe said but was cut off when the black sheeted person comes unsuspectedly jumped on Joe then proceeded to terrorize Cleveland and Quagmire. "Awww, that shit head!" Joe said climbing back into his wheelchair. Cleveland, Quagmire, and Joe were taking some steps back as the black sheeted person comes at them slowly with it's hook hand. "Hey, guys. Lois always says patience isn't one of my strong suits so what is......." Peter sees the black sheeted person about to strike his friends. "Oh my God!"

"Alright you caught us." said Cleveland. "Just go easy on us." said Joe. "We promise we won't try to fight." said Quagmire. "Now that I got you all here, you are going to tell Peter the truth." said the black sheeted person. "The truth about what? Hey, I know! You guys are planning a surprise party for me! Weren't you? A horror movie themed one?" Peter talks in confusion.

"Just as long as you don't kill us. There is no party, Peter." said Joe. "Why? There has to be." said Peter. "You see Peter, when I gave you that Sexercise DVD, we all got jealous that you had it and we didn't." said Quagmire. "So for three days we snuck into your house and watch the DVD then your DVD player got broke." said Cleveland. "We buried it, but Cleveland was going to get you a new one!" said Joe.

"So it was you guys who broke my DVD Player? What about that Polynesian Gang?" asked Peter who didn't know what to believe. "We're still your friends, you're not mad at us? Right Peter?" asks Cleveland in suspense. "There was no gang. We were the gang." said Quagmire. The black sheeted person takes off it's hook hand. "Oh shit! It's going to kill us anyway!" said Joe. "Run for cover"! said Quagmire.

The black sheeted person says, "Now that it's all out in the open, I will disclose my true self!" They all watch the black sheeted person take off it's sheet and it was....... Joe Francis.

"Holy freaking.....Joe Francis! Why did you try to kill my friends?" asked Peter. "Yes it's me. Joe Francis." "We all loved your Girls Gone Wild videos. Why were you the one after us?" asks Quagmire. "When I was arrested all those times. First in Panama City then in Reno. Once I got off, I made a living by going around the country looking for people who break porno DVDs, rough them up a little, and then hopefully whoever I chased would learn their lesson not to break such awesome porn!"

Quagmire laughs, "That's my kind of man! Trust me! I learned mine!" "I did too!" said Cleveland. "So did I!" said Joe. "That's right. The lesson for you dudes is never get jealous just because someone has a better porno than you." said Joe Francis. "What does this have to do with my DVD Player?" asked Peter. Joe Francis explains. "Oh right. Because your friends snuck into your house without your knowledge." "Was passed out drunk for days," said Peter. "I tracked you guys down with my personal invisible drone that I take all over the country to see who's breaking porn DVDs. That's my story and I'm sticking to it." said Joe Francis.

"Hope you're not mad at us for what he put you though, Peter." said Cleveland. "Nah, I can't stay mad at my friends. If Meg did something like this to me, then I'd really would've pissed!" said Peter. They all have a laugh. Joe Francis gives Peter a box. "Here you are my boy." said Joe Francis. Peter opens it and it was indeed a DVD Player! "YAY! DVD PLAYER! A NEW ONE! THANKS SO MUCH!" Peter jumps up and down and even kisses Joe Francis. Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire were creeped out my Peter kissing Joe Francis.

"Got something for all you guys too!" said Joe Francis who gives them boxes. Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire open it and it were all copies of the Japanese Porn Sexercise. Everyone cheers. Joe Francis walks away, "Guess my job here is done." "We all our very own copies of Sexercise!" "Sock it to me!" "Giggity Giggity! All right!! Best porno ever made!" "And we all got our own!" said Peter.

The next day before Lois, Brian, Stewie, Chris, and Meg came home from their trip to New York City with Carter. Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire were all enjoying their own personal copies of Sexercise. When it was over Peter kisses his new DVD Player. "I will never let anyone break you. I'm keeping you for myself.!"

"Hi, Peter!" Lois greets her husband who then hides the Sexercise DVD the couch. "Oops! Uh, Hi, Lois my love!" Peter then hugs his wife. Stewie goes to look under the couch and Brian follows. "Do you see something?" asked Brian. "Think the fatman was watching my Bubble Guppies DVD." said Stewie. "Calm down Stewie." said Brian. "Peter always takes over my favorite shows. He has no business doing that! Remember Jolly Farm?" asked Stewie as he takes out the DVD and is in complete shock at what he saw. "What the duece! Sexercise! It's from Japan!" Stewie then threw up and Brian laughs at him. "You sure let your let paranoid get the best of you,dude!" laughs Brian.

The End

The Proceeding Has Been A Narwhal Puppy Production.

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