Categories > Cartoons > Family Guy

North vs South

by PickleGarden 0 reviews

Brian tells Stewie a bedtime story. About the Family Guy characters in a Civil War setting.

Category: Family Guy - Rating: R - Genres: Parody - Warnings: [V] - Published: 2019-11-14 - 4579 words - Complete

Trigger Warning: Mentions of brutal whippings and rape. Scene of blackface.

Anna is from the episode Long John Peter. Penelope is from the episode Mr. and Mrs. Stewie.

In the kitchen one night in Quahog. Stewie was on his high chair alone. Drawing a picture as Brian walks in. Being curious Brian takes a peak at the picture Stewie was drawing. "Gosh Brian! Nosy much?" spat out Stewie. "Okay sorry. I was just wondering what you were drawing." said Brian. Stewie tells him, "Since you want to know so badly." Showing Brian the picture he was drawing, it shows Peter and Lois as a king and queen. "What the fuck is that supposed to be?" asks Brian flustered with confusion. "It's Lois and the Fatman." answers Stewie. "I know, but why are you drawing them as a king and a queen? I've always thought your drawings of Peter and Lois were supposed to be a mockery of them." asked Brian.

"It is, Brian! I title this masterpiece, 'Peter and Lois the King and Queen of Strong Language'!" Stewie announces. Brian cracks up. "Oh man! Oh gosh! That's so hilarious! That is so wild man! But in all seriousness, why did you draw them like that?" "Every night when I am trying to sleep Peter and Lois keep arguing and swearing at each other. Their shit drives me mad!" Stewie said. "Tell you what, Stewie?" Brian says picking up Stewie from his high chair and puts him in his bedroom and gets him ready for bed. "You know, Stewie you ought to draw a picture of Quagmire as the King of Promiscuity!" Brian said laughing again. Stewie agreeing says, "Yes you're right! I'll do that next!" Brian puts Stewie in his crib and they both hear the shouting and profanity coming from Peter and Lois.

"No wonder you're so upset. No child under the age of 12 has to hear any of that from their parents." Brian said. "Indeed Brian." said Stewie. "How about I tell you a bedtime story?" asked Brian. Stewie had a Brandee in his room, "In due time Brian, but first let's drown out the noise. "Brandee drown out the noise from the next door bedroom." Stewie said. Brian remembered that Brandee virtual assistant that Peter had gotten that caused Brian debt and heartache. "You kept that this whole time?" asked Brian. "I wanted it for myself." answers Stewie. The Brandee made Stewie's room quiet and they can no longer hear Peter and Lois fighting.

Excited to hear Brian tell him a story, "So Brian! What story would you like to tell me!"

"How about I tell you one about the Civil War!" said Brian. Before Brian begins Stewie asks him, "Can we make the fatman be the villain in it?" "Absolutely we can!" affirms Brian, "In fact I'll make you be an adult instead of a baby!" "I'd like that!" Stewie said. "Let the story begin!" Brian said getting a book about the Civil War then sitting next to Stewie's crib.

The scene fades into 1861 Quahog. Brian, Stewie, and Chris could not be more happier. The three of them were going to be married to their lady loves. Brian was going to marry Jillian. Stewie was going to marry Penelope, and Chris was going to marry Anna. Stewie who was an adult in this story was pushing Penelope also an adult on a swing. "Oh, Penelope! When we get married we will be able to intercourse each other all we want!" Penelope does a flirtatious laugh. "Oh Stewie! I love your sexual metaphors!"

Brian was on a table playing jacks with Jillian, "Onesie! Twosie!" Brian said. "Doesn't three come after one?" Jillian asks listlessly. On a teeter totter, Chris was riding it along with Anna. "Oh Anna! My beautiful wildflower!" "How do you do you, oh Chrisy my love!"

"I'm asking you Anna if you'd like to be my wife!"

Anna got off the teeter totter and squealed that made Chris fall off. Then Brian proposes to Jillian. "If I give you a kiss, will you marry me?" Jillian plants a huge kiss on Brian. Stewie begs Penelope, "Please accept my marriage proposal. If you don't I will probably be a lowely old bachelor who'll eventually become a homosexual!" Penelope still riding on the swing, "Of course I'll marry you Stewie!" "My Penelope! My Penelope!" Stewie said as Penelope bumped into him on the swing landed Stewie into the ground.

Running around the park where they were staying, Brian, Stewie, and Chris with their girlfriends now their fiances all announced to each other they were all going to be married. That is until Tom Tucker and Ollie come into the city. "Good Afternoon, I'm the Tom Tucker the Town Crier. I need to speak with Brian, Stewie, and Chris please."

Brian, Stewie, and Chris ran to him as did Jillian, Penelope, and Anna. "What is it Town Crier."

"Our top story, a Civil War has broken out in our country. All men have to be chosen to fight." Jillian cries, "Oh no! Our son to be fathers are going off to war!" "That's husbands Jillian." said Penelope. "Oh right." Anna says, "War? Please say it isn't so!"

"Wait what? War? Who are we fighting?" asked Stewie. Ollie answers, "The South!" "Speak when I allow you to speak. So now I will whip your black ass!" Tom Tucker then begins to whip Ollie.

"Why are we going to fight the south?" asked Chris. "To abolish something called slavery, do get to it and join the army!" Tom Tucker tells them.

Brian get embroiled. "Slavery! That shit has made me want to explode since it began!" "If we are to go off to war, at least it'll be for a good cause." Stewie said. All getting together to say goodbye to their fiances.

"Farewell, Jillian! I'll write you everyday." Brian said. "I'll miss you! I promise I'll wait! I won't cheat on you or anything." Jillian and Brian then kiss. Stewie says, "So long Penelope!" "Just don't get killed out there!" Chris says goodbye to Anna, "Adios Anna. Wish we didn't have to fight this war....." Anna tries to cheer up Chris, "You're going to do great! You'll fight bravely." "Aww, thanks. I miss you already." Chris said. "I'll be you'll be at least a colonel." Anna tells Chris. That lifted Chris's spirits, "I'll be more than a colonel, I'll be an corporal!" Chris walks away until he bumps into a horse.


A stagecoach took Stewie, Brian, and Chris to Gettysberg. When they enlisted to join the army, Stewie and Brian wore Union Solider uniforms. While Chris came out wearing a Confederate uniform. They all meet by a smokehouse. Stewie could not be more disgusted, "What the hell man! You going rogue on us, Chris?" "This is the only uniform they had!" Chris said. "What army did you sign up for?" asked Brian who was just as offended. "Uhhh, Confederate? Our hearts belong to Dixie right?" Chris said confused. "FUCK NO! You need to put on a Union Solider uniform! Did you forget we're from the North you shit for brains!" Stewie yelled.

Chris tries his best to explain his error, "They were all out of uniforms in the North...." Brian stops him from saying any more, "You know what? Just forget it! Okay! I'll try to find you a proper uniform later!" A bunch of Union Soldiers ran until say saw the three. The Union General was lead by Seamus. Brian and Stewie saluted.

"Who is this confederate spy?" asked Seamus. "Tell him I need a Union Army uniform!" Chris called out to them, but they couldn't hear him. Brian chimes in, "Uh, this man" Stewie jumps out, "He's our prisoner sir!" Seamus demands, "Well, lock him up in the smokehouse! RRRRgh! Why couldn't this war be fought in the sea?" Brian and Stewie force Chris into the smokehouse. "What're you doing! Thought you were my friends." Chris yelled. "We're pretending, just play along." Brian tells him.

"The prisoner is safe and secure, sir!" said Stewie. "Good job!" Seamus complemented them. "He will stand trial for his crimes. One of them being raping of black folk!" Brian saluted. "Hmmm, rape hey? I love rape! At ease men! Forward march!" Seamus orders his armies. Getting Chris out of the smokehouse, Brian says, "Good they're gone." "What happens now?" asked Chris. Raising his rifle in the air Stewie said, "We win this war that's what happens now! So we can go home to our girlfriends and marry them and engage in intercourse!" Just as Brian, Stewie, and Chris were going into battle, some Confederate Soldiers run up to them. Lead by Peter Griffin. "THIS WAY! HURRY MEN! COME ON!"

Rifles from the confederate army were shot into the sky. "HALT! I wanna talk to these northern sons of bitches!" Peter orders his army. "Who the hell are you?" Brian sneered in Peter's Griffin. Beside Peter were his faithful friends Mort, Quagmire and Joe. "I am Five Star General Peter Griffin! I am Robert E. Lee's best soldier in his army! I am also a plantation owner and an overseer." Stewie says in a snarky tone, "Good god! Such over usage of the letter I. What narcissism!" Peter comes up to Chris thinking he was a confederate, "Who are these people? Some friends of yours? I can already tell you're a traitor!" Joe said, "Yes, I smell traitors from a mile away!" "A good sodomizing is what he needs! To make him talk. Not that I would do that! Unless it was a sexy chick......" Quagmire adds.

"SHUT YOUR FUCKING TRAPS BOTH OF YOU! Now back to you......." Peter says.

"No, uh, uh, these guys are my prisoners sir!" Chris said. "Well lock them up in the smokehouse!" Peter ordered to Chris. Not knowing how to open the lock to the smokehouse, Peter busts open the door and throws Brian and Stewie in. "No fucking matter! I did it myself!" Peter yells at Brian and Stewie through the window of the smokehouse, "The South Will Raise and Kick Your Asses! hee hee hee hee hee hee! See you at the hanging tree! Onward march men!" Peter, Joe, and Quagmire follow Peter as have the Confederate soldiers too.

Getting Brian and Stewie out of the smokehouse, they all decide Chris needs a Union Army uniform. "Ooooh. I didn't like those southerners at all. They're so evil and hateful." whines Chris. "We know, Chris. Sometime somehow we will find you the right uniform!" Brian said.

Away from the smokehouse and outside the random barnhouse. Brian and Stewie find two men in Union Solider uniforms washing up in a horse trough. The soldiers were Bruce and Jeffery. "I hate to do this to our own kind. Got the ants, Stewie?" "Ready. Besides I heard these guys are homosexuals anyway!" "Uh, that's true I guess." said Brian. Stewie said. "We're doing this because I am on your side!" Chris said who sneaks the ants inside the underwear of Bruce and Jeffery.

Being done washing up Bruce and Jeffery begin itching. "Ooooh! So itchy! Where did this come from!" "I know! I don't know!" Bruce and Jeffery began hooting and howling as the ants were walking inside their underwear. "Gotta take this off!" "Good idea!" "Ooooooh! Noooooooo!" "IIIIIIIII KKKKNNNNNOOOOOOWWWWW!" The two of them were moaning in pain from their itch. Chris takes one of Union Soliders uniforms and puts it on. "What a perfect fit! I'm one of you guys now!" Chris cheers. Taking a look at Bruce and Jeffery itching Stewie observes, "They act like they love the pain they're in. Kind of relate!"

Brian looks into the sky as if he was thinking, "Are you making plans, Brian." asked Chris. "Yes I am! Was just thinking. There is only one way to stop this Civil War and go home to marry our girlfriends!" Brian told them.

"Suggestions please!" said Stewie. "Yes. Our new mission is to defeat and destroy General Peter Griffin!" Brian vows.


Walking across the street from the random barnhouse, Brian, Stewie, and Chris find General Peter Griffin's Plantation. How they found out was they followed the sound of his voice. Looking inside, Peter was in his war room discussing plans to defeat the North along with his soldiers. Stewie sees they have a map. "If only we can obtain that map." "Without a map they wouldn't know what to do, good plan, Stewie." said Brian. Sneaking in through the back window. Peter and his army were planning, "Gentlemen, with this map we can finally locate the any Union Soldier Armies!" Cleveland walked in and asked Peter, "Can I have some water now? Is it quitting time yet?"

Peter wields a whip and hits Cleveland with it, "You dare intrude on my plans for the south to win? Get back to work! Get back to work!" Cleveland yelps in pain as he Peter was whipping him, then he runs back to the plantation. "Wow! If we win this war we can all be over seers!" Joe said. "Yeah, heh heh! I'll get myself a black chick! But not just for work related things!" Quagmire said. Chris, Stewie, and Brian walk into the war room unnoticed. Peter looks through the map and says, "That's where they are. Right there....." Chris by accident falls over a lump in the rug. The Confederates and Peter Griffin see them right away.

"I know who you are! You're those prisoners from the smokehouse!" Peter tells them. All of the confederate soldiers aim their swords at Stewie, Chris, and Brian. "Wait a minute! Wait minute! We are confederates just like you!" Brian said. Quagmire says, "You belong in the wrong army, that's for sure." Stewie waves his hands, "We surrender! We surrender! But only to General Peniswinkle!" "Who's General Peniswinkle!" roars Joe. Brian explains, "Why he jacks off like this!"

Stewie stops him, "What a minute! General Peniswinkle don't jack off! He sucks dicks and then he runs!" Chris, Stewie, and Brian run away. They failed to get the map. "AFTER THEM NOW!" Peter orders his soldiers. Mort who was eager to show Peter he was just as good of a soldier, "I'll show that General Griffin I can be as great as everyone else!" As they were running away, Chris apologizes, "This is my fault! We didn't get that map because of me! I never should've fell!" "This is no time to be blaming yourself!" Brian said. Stewie, Chris, and Brian open a door then ran into another room. Barricading the door so Peter and his armies won't get in.

That didn't stop Peter from trying to open the door. Mort, Joe, and Quagmire were right behind them. Peter is able to pry the door open with his hand by turning the knob then the door hits Mort, Joe, and Quagmire. Peter is angered when he saw his men were knocked out cold. Another solider of Peter's who was Adam West came to Peter when he shouted, "Officer to guard!" "Yes sir! What do you want me to do sir?" Adam West saluted Peter. "Three Union Solider Spies just escaped! Go and get them! Bring their asses to me!" "YES SIR!" Adam West says running out of the room. Joe, Mort, and Quagmire were coming to.

Staging another stunt to get the map from Peter Griffin. Cleveland again walks into the war room. "'Cuse me boss! Can I use your toilet!" Peter wields his whip at Cleveland and hits him mercilessly. "What! You again! You shall shit when I can tell you to shit! Go back to the fields!" Cleveland runs back to the fields. Brian, Stewie, and Chris were now dressed as cotton pickers and they were in blackface. Sneaking back to Peter's war room. Peter was going over the map with his army, "Blockaded at the north. Circled in the east and staminated in the west! This plan will not be shallow and pedantic!" Stewie, Brian, and Chris all huddled together and discussed their plan. Brian had a banjo. Brian says, "If we can get this map to our headquarters we can win this war!"

"This map is key. And vital to our plan!" Stewie said. "Yes it is. The sooner we win this war, the sooner we can get married!" Chris said.

Brian, Stewie and Chris all began to do a song and dance. Brian plays the banjo.

"Oh, way down south in the Quahog part of the city! The cotton grows on the trees so pretty!"

"On the trees? On the trees! In the south? South Quahog!"

"Oh South Quahog where I was born. Waking up every morning smelling the corn!"

"Go away! Get away! Get away yes we're hungry!"

Brian plays a solo chorus as he, Stewie, and Chris did a dance. Peter and his army were so entranced by the dance they didn't notice Stewie stealing the map. Chris begins to sweat with the blackface makeup he was wearing. He inadvertently wiped off his makeup and right away, Peter sees that it's Chris. The musical dance comes to an erupt halt and Peter shouts, "IT'S THEM! THE SPIES! GET THOSE UNION PRICK ASSES!!!!"

Brian, Stewie, and Chris run away in fear into the other room as before. Just as before Mort, Joe, and Quagmire were right behind Peter and the soldiers. Peter is able to pry the door open with his hand by turning the knob then the door hits Mort, Joe, and Quagmire. Peter is angered when he saw his men were knocked out cold. "WHY YOU MOTHER FUCKERS! I'll do them in myself!" Peter said getting his bayonet ready.

Meg Griffin comes out of nowhere and says, "Now here is my chance to be in this story!" Meg was wearing a confederate soldier uniform as well. Peter then slams the door on Meg thus knocking her out cold the same way Joe, Quagmire, and Mort were. Peter sees what he had done to her, Peter farts in her face and laughs. "What made her think she had the right to be in this story?"

Stewie, Brian, and Chris were hiding in the other room, Peter was searching for them. Brian kicks Peter from behind. Peter turns around, "YOU!" Brian hits Peter over the head with the banjo. "Come on let's get outta here you guys!" Chris shrieked. Now the map was in their hands.

Running out of Peter Griffin's plantation with the Confederates on the tail, Brian, Stewie and Chris decide to conceal themselves. They find another barnhouse to hide in. When they thought they were home free, they hear Joe and Quagmire. "You find them?" "Not around here!" Peter said, "Well, keep looking!"

Chris finds himself being hidden in hay when Brian and Stewie pushed him inside. Hearing the confederates outside. "Oh shit! They're coming! Now what!" said Stewie. "We got Chris hidden away. Too bad we didn't think to." said Brian. Then an idea came to the dog. "We'll find them. Maybe they're in that barn we'll look in there!" Peter said. "Yes sir." Mort said.

Entering the barnhouse, they see Brian and Stewie dressed as farmers working a butter churner.


Brian and Stewie were singing, "We know you love butter. But we found something better! So MOOOOOOVE OVER BUTTER!" Peter, Mort, and Joe break into the barnhouse. "Excuse me fine gentlemen! Did you happen to see three Union Soldier spies in here?" Peter demanded.

"Oh, no sir." Stewie answers. "We're just making butter!" said Brian. "Looks like you two are jerking off!" Joe laughed.

"Now are you absolutely sure?" Peter asks them. Brian and Stewie say, "Oh no. Haven't seen anyone all day." "Nope. Nobody here but us farmers!"

"All right, men! Search the place!" Peter said. Joe and Mort got some pitchforks and poked them into the hay where Chris was hiding. Chris squealed in pain and jumped out of the hay. "A-HA!" Peter points. "So there you are huh!" Brian and Stewie acted like they knew nothing about Chris. "Uh, how did he get in here!"

"Soon as I report to Robert E. Lee that I caught this spy we'll take him out and SHOOT HIS SORRY ASS!" Peter yelled. Chris gulped. Peter ordered, "LOCK HIM UP IN THE SMOKEHOUSE! Forward march!" Peter called out.

Chris was now being marched to his doom. Brian and Stewie follow. Chris now found himself locked back in the smokehouse. Peter then thinks, "For some reason we're missing the maps."

Brian and Stewie whisper to each other. "How are we going to get Chris out of this shithole, Brian?" "Stewie, you think of something! You're the smart one!" Brian spoke.

Stewie then gathers his thoughts and tells the Confederates, "Say I'll bet you guys are hungry!" Quagmire said, "You bet. How did you know?" "I was hoping we can have some ham!" Stewie suggested. "Oh yes!" Joe said licking his lips. "Ham you say! I found some!" Chris said holding a ham from the smokehouse. Brian tells the confederates, "Just stack your rifles right here!"

"Boy! heh heh! That ham looks like a hot woman's ass!" Quagmire said. Joe, Mort, and Quagmire all stack their rifles and eat the ham. That was until Quagmire ran away with it. "If anyone is going to be fucking this ham it's going to be me! Giggity! Giggity! Giggity!" "Quagmire! You ass! That ham is for eating not sex!" Joe shouted after him. "There's surely no women around to screw! Gotta fuck something!" Quagmire said. "Give us some of that too!" Mort shouted. The confederate soldiers all chased Quagmire down the into the wilderness.

Stewie implied, "Don't know if that was necessary or useless filler?" "Who's gives a flying fuck! The rifles!" Brian said. This gives time for Brian and Stewie to take the confederate soldiers rifles and get the bullets out of them. Chris watches them as they do so. Stewie in secret fills the rifles with exploding gun powder.

Brian says, "Hey, Rupunzel. If they shoot at you, all you need to do is, blaaahhhhhhhh!" Chris understood the plan, "Yes, okay. I get it!" Stewie sees the window to the smokehouse has no glass. "Oh look! There's no glass!" Stewie then hits Chris across the face.

"You help me and now you hurt me?" Chris whines. "That's for ruining things for us!" Stewie boldly stated.

Peter goes to the smokehouse and unlocks it to get Chris out to execute him. The Confederate Soldiers all came back and got their rifles unknown to them that Brian and Stewie emptied the bullets. When Peter yelled, "FALL IN!" Chris gets out of the smokehouse and then he was being marched to his anachronistic doom.

Before he knew it, Chris was being lead to an execution chamber. He had to stand on a wall. "DETAIL HALT!" Peter shouts. "ABOUT FACE!" Joe, Mort, and Quagmire and getting ready to shoot Chris. Brian and Stewie had their fingers crossed that things will turn out for the best. "I want this war over. So can all get married." Brian said. "Me too buddy. Me too!" Stewie said.

Peter yelled at Chris, "Now stand right there and be shot like a man!" Peter proceeds to order his army to shoot Chris, "READY.......AIM.........." Joe, Mort, and Quagmire were aiming their rifles at Chris. "FIRE!" screams Peter.

The rifles that were used were empty expect the one Mort was using. The bullet missed Chris. "You missed me! Nah nah!" Chris teased. Peter was boiling mad. Screaming at Mort, "That was some incompetent shooting! I oughta send you back to Oklahoma to the barn!" Brian and Stewie said, "There were more bullets than we thought." "Guess we didn't empty all of them."

Peter prepares his troops to shoot Chris once again. "READY...........AIM.............." Stewie closes his eyes fearfully, "I can't look at this, Brian!"

"FIRE!" Peter screamed. The rifles explode suddenly due to the gun powder Stewie administered. Joe got his legs blown off. "MY LEGS! MY LEGS! SHIT! I LOST MY LEGS!" Quagmire hands were on fire. "WOAH! This isn't very Giggity for me!" Mort had a bloody hole in his torso. "Always knew I'd die this way." Chris cheers, "I'm free! I'm free!" "WHAT AN ARMY! WHAT AN ARMY!" Peter roared with rage.

Brian and Stewie get rifles and aim them at Peter. "Twisted fate has now dealt you a bad hand son of a bitch!" Brian said. "I may be without my armies, but you will NEVER be rid of me!" Peter yells. "We finally got you! We stole your map and we're taking it to our headquarters in the North!" Stewie tells Peter. "No please! Don't kill me! How about I switch sides and we can work together to end this war!" Peter pleaded. Before Peter knew it, he was shot in the back of the head. By Chris who had the loaded rifle that was used by Mort. The notorious General of the Confederate Army and Plantation Owner and Over Seer Peter Griffin was now dead.

"Wow Chris! That was great what you did!" said Brian. "You said earlier you wanted to take him down. So I helped since you both helped me!" Chris said. "Thanks so much Chris! That's means so much!" Stewie said. "Yeah, but. How are we going to get out of Gettysberg?" asked Brian. Stewie yelled, "You think of a way! I did it last time!"

Chris goes into the barnhouse and gets a stagecoach with horses. "Never mind! I found a way! Giddy up!" Boarding the stagecoach, Brian and Stewie say to Chris, "For an idiot you've really came through!" "We will now go back to Quahog and marry our lady loves!" Chris tells them. "Jillian, I'm coming home!" Brian said. "Here I am coming for you Anna! For your hand in marriage!" Chris speaks. "Penelope, we can finally be husband and wife!" Stewie said.

Brian, Stewie, and Chris took the map General Peter Griffin had to the headquarters in the north. They were deemed heroes. The Civil War was over. Slavery was abolished. All three of them get a medal from President Abraham Lincoln. They soon arrive at the chapel where they get married. The priest goes over the wedding vows.

"Do you Jillian, Anna, and Penelope takes these men to be your lawfully wedded husbands?"

"We do!" say Jillian, Anna, and Penelope all together.

"Do you Brian, Stewie, and Chris takes these women to be your lawfully wedded wives?"

"WE DO!" say Brian, Stewie, and Chris.

"By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you husbands and wives! You may kiss your brides!"

"YAY! YAY! YIPPIE! We're married!" the six of them say.

The scene changes back to Stewie's bedroom. Brian reads the last page of the book. "And then Brian, Stewie, and Chris all take a honeymoon to Europe then live happily ever after. The End. Did you like that, Stewie?"

Brian sees Stewie is sleeping and kisses him. "Goodnight, Stewie. Hope you liked my story."

Turning in for the day, Brian goes into Peter's and Lois's master bedroom where he usually sleep and sees Lois is sleeping alone. Going downstairs Brian sees Peter sleeping on the couch. "Holy shit. That must've been some fight they had." Brian then decides to go back to Stewie's room and sleep there. Brian kissed Stewie goodnight once more. Stewie smiles as he goes back to sleep.

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