FicWad

Winter had hit Langley Falls very hard. Steve is grateful that there was a school closing. Even the CIA was closed until further notice. So everyone in the Smith family are doing what they want to. Stan and Francine are spending the day in bed. Steve is going to go sledding with Barry, Snot and Toshi. Hayley is showing Jeff how Direct TV works. The snow outside is 17 inches. The only ones in the Smith family who were bored and weren't enjoying themselves in the very least were Roger and Klaus.


"Oh mein gosh! Why do people love snow days so much?" asked Klaus.


"Well, not everybody likes everything!" said Roger.


Looking all over the house, Klaus ranted, "Everybody has found something to do expect us!"


"I know right. Suppose we can listen to some Joe Rogan podcasts!" suggests Roger.


"Even that has gotten boring. We need to do something! Preferably something we have never done before." said Klaus.


"I agree with that Klaus, but the only problem is this shitty ass snow!" said Roger.


"You know, not only did the schools close. The CIA building did too." implies Klaus.


"I can't help but wonder where you're going with this." said Roger.


"Have you ever been time traveling before," Klaus stated.


Roger says, "You're right! The CIA does have a time machine. Question is, how do we get there with these slippery roads?"


"The local news said that the roads have been shoveled." says Klaus. "No really? All right, we'll take my car. The only question is, what time period should we visit?" Roger says.


"Hows about the 1920s Prohibition?" asks Klaus. "If it's all the beer you can drink, I'm in!" said Roger.


Soon, Roger drives his car to the CIA with Klaus. "Anything to get away from this endless winter!" said Klaus. Breaking inside the CIA building though a window, Roger and Klaus search high and low for the CIA Time Machine.


"I remember Stan and Frannie used this when Hayley had kidney failure." said Roger. "How did all that turn out? I wasn't around. Was that Joel Larson guy really Hayley's real father?" asked Klaus.


"Nope, Stan was all along. Frannie sure was an easy slut back in the day." Roger says. "Until Stan came to tame her ass!" said Klaus.


Going though the offices where the CIA Agents usually work, Roger and Klaus come to a door that reads, "ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!"


"Common rule of 'keep away' signs, you go in, anyway!" Roger laughs. Opening the door, Roger and Klaus see before them the CIA Time Machine. Full of cobwebs.


"First, we need to clear these cobwebs." said Klaus. Roger clears the cobwebs away and then hears a shrillest voice.


"CHIN UP! CHIN UP! EVERYBODY LOVES A HAPPY FACE...." Looking down below, Roger and Klaus see a singing spider.


"Fuck off, go back to the farm, Charlotte!" Roger yells slapping the spider into a wall until it died. "CHIN....UUUUUPPPPPPPP". Before going into the time machine, Roger sees some keys and turns them that opens the time machine.


"That was easy! Boy, I can't wait to drink all that bootleg beer!" Roger said with excitement. "Ja, maybe while we're there we'll do a St. Valentine's Day Massacre! Like in the movie!" said Klaus.


Roger and Klaus soon entered the Time Machine. A mechanical voice asks, "WHICH ERA?"


"Anytime during the 1920's!" said Klaus.


"Access Granted! WORKING!" said the mechanical voice.


The Time Machine shook, and Roger and Klaus held onto each other as though they were in an earthquake. "WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS ONE OF THOSE RIDES FROM HELL FEST!" Roger shouted.


The time machine stopped shaking and threw out Roger and Klaus. The time machine remained. They were in Langley Falls. Looking around, they had succeeded in making their destination to the 1920s. Klaus and Roger see people swing dancing and bootlegging beer.


"Wow! Wont you look at that! We're actually here!" Klaus says. "I know! Maybe if we decide to stay longer I can be one of those Flapper Girls!" Roger jokes.


"Better than being stuck in the house during winter!" Roger implies. "So what should we do first?" asked Klaus. "We can check out that speak easy!" said Roger. "Even better, how about Woolworths?" asked Klaus. "Awesome! Good place to get some yeast." said Roger. "Yeast? Don't tell me you're having one of those vaginal infections." says Klaus. "Oh no, nothing like that." said Roger. "Yeast is an ingredient for something you know....." Roger gets an idea.



A caption reads FOUR HOURS TWENTY FIVE MINUTES AND THIRTY FOUR SECONDS LATER.....


Roger and Klaus find themselves being chased by the police in a Rolls Royce.


"Just when I thought you couldn't stoop anymore low!" Klaus yells at Roger. "How the fuck was I supposed to know those were cops I have selling bootleg beer to!" Roger yelled back.


"All we need to do is find the time machine to take us back!" Klaus says. "I knew I should've been a Flapper Girl!" Roger says. "Look who's taking responsibility for what he has done!" Klaus says sarcastically.


"HALT! THIS IS THE POLICE! PULL OVER! GIVE YOURSELVES UP!"


Roger jumps out of the Rolls Royce and says, "I don't think so!" Grabbing Klaus, Roger jumps out of the Rolls Royce and runs into the Time Machine.


"HURRY! THE POLICE ARE AFTER US! TAKE US BACK TO 2022!" Roger demanded the time machine.


"ACCESS GRANTED!" the mechanical voice says. Making their getaway in the time machine, the police who were chasing them stop and get our of their car. The police see the time machine disappear right before their eyes.


"Who in the FUCK were they!?" "They were those bootleggers who got away! That's what!" "I hate to tell this to the chief!" "Yeah, he'll have our asses nailed to the wall!" Coming back into 2022, Roger and Klaus were glad to be back in the present. However, it was a very different 2022 because the time line had been altered.


"Good to be back!" Klaus says. Walking around the neighborhood. It was no longer winter. Spring was finally in Langley Falls. The Time Machine was now outside the CIA building. "Say look! No snow! Winter must be over!" Roger says.


"However our problems have just began! Take a look!" said Klaus.


Everywhere the alien and goldfish went, they see all the residents of Langley Falls all drunk. Even Steve, Snot, Barry, and Toshi were drunk.


"We'll sneak into that porno theater and fuck some hookers!" Steve said in a drunken voice. "You're the boss!" Barry said too in a drunk voice. "The more beer I drink the horny I get!" Snot says. Toshi just slurred some nonsense words in Japanese. Hayley and Jeff were dancing in the streets. Francine was walking around by herself thinking she was with her friends. Principal Lewis was having sex with Al Tuttle. Reginald was still a homeless black man. Greg was doing news behind garbage cans.


"Oh mein god! I think we changed the fabric of time!" said Klaus.


"Who cares? I like Langley Falls better this way!" said Roger. "But why? I liked it better than it was before." asked Klaus.


"Everyone here is so drunk, nobody will know I am an alien! So I can do whatever I want!" cheers Roger!


Ripping off his clothes, Roger runs around naked with takes Klaus with him.


"Guess I'll let him have his little fun!" Klaus rolls his eyes.




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Enjoying his new found freedom without having to put on a disguise. Roger is running around Langley Falls more care free than he's ever been! "Wow! This is awesome! Nobody notices I'm an alien!" said Roger.


"Well, if you insist on running around nude, I suggest we go to an internet cafe!" said Klaus.


"Sure! The more places I go to nude the better." says Roger. "Actually, I want to use the internet to find out some about this timeline why everyone is drunk." Klaus says.


"Great! Always gotta be a spoil sport!" says Roger in disgust. Going into an internet cafe. They see all the workers there were drunk too. Even Stan Smith, Bullock, Jackson and Duper were drunk. However, in this timeline Roger and Klaus were in. Stan, Bullock, Duper, and Jackson were janitors.


"Gentlemen tonight is all about.......SHOTS!" Bullock says in happiness. "What better place to get hammered than here!" said Stan. "I don't know where we'll be without alcohol!" said Jackson.


Using a computer, Klaus looks up the Prohibition. "But I love this timeline. Everyone is drunk and nobody notices an alien. I want to stay here so I can do what I want!" protested Roger. "And besides, it gets burdensome to put on all these personas." Roger added.


"Well, one of us has to be the one to pull in the reigns." said Klaus. "OKay if it'll make you feel better. Find out why everyone is drunk!" Roger sighs.


"Leave this all to me. Klaus Heissler! Resourceful Researcher!" Klaus boasted. "That sounds like something I would say." Roger said in a maddening tone.


On Wikipedia Klaus reads, "It says here in the 1920s. Two mysterious men who sold bootleg beer to people who turned out to be police. Got away scott free. Then the police all lost their jobs......"


"Hhhmm kay. Go on." Roger says.


"Then it caused an outward trend. Lots of bootleggers sold beer to cops and they were never caught." said Klaus. "So what could this mean? Can we please stay in this timeline?" asked Roger.


"It means beer is legal in America in all 50 states! Thus the police have been banned for failing to catch the bootleggers. Even kids and teenagers can have alcohol!" said Klaus.


"Wow! No cops! Awesome! Now that you found out, can we please stay in this timeline? Pretty please! Cocaine on top with a side of condoms?" begs Roger.


"Nein, I don't want to!" answers Klaus. "But why! Think of the things we can get away with here. Also, in this timeline you can become a human again and go back to being an Olympic Skiier and never have your body inside of a fish!" Roger implies.


"We are going back to the time machine into our original timeline." Klaus rendered his decision. "Sure would have been fun to stay here." Roger cries.


"Call me practical, but I like some order! Hell look at Stan and his co-workers! They're janitors for fucks sake!" Klaus observes. "Better than having them be CIA agents." Roger said, "You know how much I hate cops! I have 30 priors!"


"Yes, now that the cops have been banned, that means the CIA never existed either!" Klaus informs the alien.


"Fine! You win all right! Back to our original timeline. Where we're stuck in the house all winter. Stan is an authoritarian CIA agent who doesn't let us have fun." Roger yelled. "Glad you came to your senses." Klaus said.


Roger and Klaus found their way back to the CIA time machine that was still standing where it dropped them off. Going back inside the mechanical voice says, "WHERE TO?"


"The original 2022!" Klaus orders. "AS YOU WISH!" the mechanical voice says. Roger laughs, "That's a line from The Princess Bride!"


The time machine began to shake once more, then spits out Roger and Klaus back to their normal timeline. Roger and Klaus find themselves months after winter ended. Roger is disappointed seeing everything was back to normal. "Fucking great! Back to my personas."


"When we go home. I hope to all holy hell Stan didn't notice we were gone and....." as Klaus was about to speak even further. Both Roger and Klaus hear Stan's voice.


"ROGER! KLAUS! WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU TWO BEEN!"


Stan charged at the alien and goldfish. "Oh, hey Stan! Spring has sprung hey!" Roger laughed nervously. "Mein yes! Just smell that fresh air! Smell of roses! Nothing better!" Klaus giggles.


"You both vanished all winter. Francine was worried sick. Better explain yourselves." Stan demands. "I was hibernating." said Roger. "Yeah, what he said! I was too." said Klaus.


"Bull shit! I know better! How do you explain the CIA time machine outside and not inside the CIA building!" Stan pointed to the CIA time machine.


"Oh hell. We did not think that one though." said Roger. "We'll come clean with you. Not going to lie here. We were bored in the winter what with snow up to our eyeballs." Klaus explains.


"Yeah, then we decided to do some time traveling." Klaus says. Stan soon calmed down. "You both told the truth. But even truth has consequences!" Stan tells Roger and Klaus.


"We're going to be punished, right?" asked Roger. "No no. You're way older than me, Roger. How could I punish you! In fact, I thought of something better!" Stan says.


Going up to the CIA Time Machine Stan sees the keys were in the between the doors. Taking the keys out of the doors, Stan throws the keys to the time machine into the lake far away.


"You both do realize that you could've altered the space time continuum!" Stan preaches to the goldfish and alien. "We actually did. I didn't see a problem with it!" Roger spits out. "Ja, he dragged me into going to the 1920s with him to join the Prohibition!" Klaus explains to Stan. "Then I sold some bootleg beer. Before I knew it, my costumers turned out to be cops! Then the cops chased us and we went back to 2022." Roger explains.


"Then we were in an alternate timeline where everyone was drunk! Reginald never became a koala! You and the CIA agents were janitors!" Klaus says to Stan. "Yes, police never existed! I wanted to stay in that timeline." Roger gruffs his words then hones in on Klaus, "But the goldfish wouldn't let me!"


"See what happens? You're both lucky that the time machine can bring you back into your original timeline. Now, I'm taking this time machine back to the CIA and keep it under close watch and guard." Stan says.


"What is going to happen to us?" asked Roger. "It's spring now. Go find something to do! Just as long as it isn't time travel! Or anything that's going to piss me off any further!" Stan demands.


"That'll teach us to mess with history hey." said Klaus. "Yeah, time travelling isn't for everyone." says Roger. "Let's make a deal to never go back in time again." said Klaus.


"Guess you were right all along." Roger says. "Since it's spring. As Mr. Rogers used to say, 'let's make the most of this beautiful day.'" Klaus speaks.


"Exactly!" said Roger. "Let's play street football!" Klaus said. "You're on fish!" said Roger.


On the street near the driveway of the Smith house. Roger and Klaus were playing street football. "I'd much rather do this than time travel!" Roger told Klaus. "Exactly, to be honest. Time travel wasn't as fun as I thought it would be." Klaus confessed. Roger declared "You're right. Brian and Stewie make it look so easy!" "Yes, but we are not them! Less talk more ball!" Klaus said with vigor.


Roger getting ready to throw the football so Klaus can catch, "Hey, Klaus! Be prepared to Remember The Titans!" "No problem! Throw it!" Klaus says getting ready to catch the football.


"41....52....63....74.....85.....hike!" Roger threw the football far. Klaus uses his bowl to try to catch the football Roger threw. "Sheesh Roger! Did you have to throw it so far! Why does everyone forget I'm a fish!" Klaus says annoyed.


Running in his bowl Klaus does his best to try to catch the football. Roger calls out, "It's going to land in Toshi's front yard!" Roger calls out to Klaus. Klaus was just going to catch the football before it landed in Toshi's yard. Jumping out of his bowl, Klaus catches the football. After Klaus caught the football. The goldfish landed back in his bowl then was hit by a semi truck.


Having no idea Klaus was hit and killed by a semi truck, Roger calls, "KLAUS! DID YOU GET THE FOOTBALL YET?" The semi truck that hit Klaus past by Roger and left a trail of fish blood.


Looking at the blood, "Oh no! Please don't tell me...." Roger says. His conscious was getting the better of him. Following the trail of blood. Roger sees an unspeakable horror laying out in front of him. Klaus was dead.


Picking up Klaus's roadkill carcass from the street and running back to the Smith house. Roger cries in great sorrow, "KLAUS! KLAUS! KLAUS! You're....dead! You're...really...really.....DEAD!"


Hearing Roger's cries, Stan comes back from the CIA after locking away the time machine. Francine, Steve, Jeff, and Hayley all run outside to find out why Roger was crying.


"Roger! What type of ruckus did you and Klaus cause this time!" Stan shouts. "Stan please! Give Roger the benefit of the doubt!" Francine tells her husband.


Holding a dead Klaus in his alien hands, Roger tells his story, "We were playing a game of street football. I threw it. Klaus caught it. Then a semi truck came and ran him over!"


Jeff and Hayley console him. "This wasn't your fault." Jeff says. "Nothing is more tragic than a death of a sea creature." Hayley said. "Oh Roger. Hate to say this, but Jeff and Hayley are right this time around. I usually disagree with liberals. I can't be mad at you anymore, Roger. This wasn't your fault." Stan says.


"Oh Klaus! Hope you're in a better place. In that ocean in the sky. Swimming free." said Francine. "Klaus was special to all of us. I miss him already!" Steve begins to sob.


"Maybe we can have a funeral?" asked Stan. "Just for ourselves. Who even knew about Klaus besides us?" said Francine. "Oh Klaus! I wanted to be Fish and The Legman with you more often. Now I guess I can't now." Jeff sobs. "Klaus may have been a jerk. But it's like a huge part of us has been yanked away." Hayley sobbed.


All the Smith family, even Stan and Roger all stood around, hugged each other and grieved for the goldfish that once was Klaus Heissler. Reginald the Koala comes out of nowhere and begins to beat up Klaus's carcass.


"Reginald! We are you bothering us!" Hayley screeched. "Can't you see we had a death in the family!" Jeff spat out. "Oh sorry dawgs! It's just that me and that sumbitch had some disagreements in the past. I hated that mother fucker! I should be going now! Just forget I was here!" Reginald says running far from the Smith family.


"Well, how should we do this? Bury him or flush him down the toilet?" asks Steve. "Toilet sounds good." agrees Roger. "Okay. Everyone come to the bathroom so we can pay our last respects." Stan sniffled.


The Smith family all went back into their house and into the bathroom to flush the goldfish carcass of Klaus Heissler. Each of them say their condolences. "Goodbye, Klaus! You were my best friend!" Roger sobs. "Mine too, Roger! Mine too! Klaus gave me the best advice on how to impress girls!" Steve sobbed along with Roger as did the Smiths. "Klaus was fun to travel with when I took him with me to follow My Morning Jacket." sobs Hayley.


"Klaus was fun to watch daytime TV with and loved wine too!" Francine weeps. "Nothing in the world can ever replace you, Klaus buddy!" cries Stan out loud. "Klaus always had a ear to lend. He was a great listener. He was fun to have pot parties with." Jeff says.




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One month had passed on. The Smith family have pretty much gotten over Klaus's death. However, Roger has not. Unable to leave his attic. Klaus's death hit Roger the hardest. Watching the Smiths in the kitchen going about their everyday normal life. Roger feels a resentment towards the family he lives with. All because it seems as if they had all forgotten about Klaus.


Having their usual breakfast, Stan says, "Bullock is going to host a Broadway play at the Langley Falls amphtheater." "Wonderful dear. Want some more coffee for your pancakes?" asked Francine.


"I'm not sure which girl I should ask out to the Homecoming Dance. Should I pick a popular girl or a geeky outcast?" pondered Steve. "Hey Mr. S. Thank you for letting me shower with you. Hope you didn't mind I used hemp soap!" said Jeff. "Oh no, not at all. It had no effect on me whatsoever!" Stan tells his son in law.


Hayley shows a coupon from Sub Hub. "For my excellence and hard work, I got this coupon for all of you from Sub Hub!"


"Wow! That's great Hayley. Maybe we'll all try out your coupon this weekend!" Francine concedes. Roger walks into the kitchen and decides to to make a snide remark. "Well well well. Moving on already are we! It's like Klaus never existed to you people!"


"Still grieving for Klaus, hey? You'll get over it soon." Stan said sipping his coffee and eating his pancakes. "Hey, look! I'm Bernard Shaw from CNN off camera!"


Francine, Hayley, Jeff, and Steve all laughed at Stan's joke. Roger got even more angry. "Oh come on, Roger. That is your politically incorrect style of humor!" Stan tells the alien.


"Yeah, even I thought it was funny. Even though I love CNN!" Hayley said. "You going to be crying for Klaus forever?" Jeff said. "You still have me. For a month now you haven't even wanted to do anything fun with me." Steve adds on.


"You guys want to forget about Klaus, FINE! FUCK YOU ALL ANYWAY! Klaus was way cooler than any of you ever were!" Roger says. "But Klaus was just a fish. An ex war criminal to be exact isn't that right?" asked Steve.


"Hey I know! I'm going to the amphitheater today as a CIA assignment. To lookout for terrorists, Why don't you get into one of your personas and help me out?" Stan suggests.


"It'll be good for you!" said Steve. "You can't stay locked in your attic forever, dude! Hell, the only time you do go out is to walk around graveyards." Jeff said. "I was once where you were Roger. But I still had a strength to move on!" Hayley said recalling her time being in a depression when Roger had Jeff kidnapped in his spaceship out of fear that Jeff will expose Roger. "You can't keep mourning the dead for the rest of your life." Steve tells Roger.


"A pet in the family just died a month ago! Take a look at yourselves people! Didn't Klaus mean anything to you AT ALL? Those condolences we all shared about him before we flushed him down the toilet! Did you all ever mean a word of it? Sure doesn't seem like it! And you all accuse me of being apathetic and uncaring! If anyone needs me I'll be wallowing and walking around the graveyard!" Roger lashed out at the Smiths. Running out of the house, crying.


"We need to do something for Roger." said Francine. Stan rose from his seat. "You know. Maybe he's right. Since Klaus died I didn't want to admit it. But I have felt a huge emptiness inside."


"Now that Roger has mentioned it. I do too." Francine talks. "Suppose we can get a new goldfish. I do some volunteering at that Pet Store. " Hayley said.
"Does it have to be a fish? Why not try a different animal for once? Like maybe a dog or a cat?" Steve joins the conversation.

"No dogs! Don't you remember the whole Kisses incident? Cats? What are we? Some scraggly old widow who ends up hoarding them until they starve to death and die? No! We are a fish family! As man of the house I've decided to get another fish!" Stan said.


"Hayley, maybe you can drive us to the pet store." Francine said. "No pet stores! The CIA just captured and arrested a Mexican Drag Queen for Tax Evasion." Stan informs his family.


"Oh no! You CIA people are always capturing minorities for the pettiest of crimes!" Hayley shouted at her Dad. "Yeah what she said!" Jeff joined in. Stan ignored Hayley's rant. "Roger does have a tendency to get in touch with his feminine side. I think Roger will get along very well with this new pet of ours!" Stan said.


The Smiths went about their day. Roger was walking around the graveyard, drinking wine from bottles.

"Not even you can make me feel better Bronco Wine Company." cries Roger.


When Stan came home from work. He got out a huge fish tank and put it in the backyard. Francine walks out to join him. "That's too big for a little fish." Francine implied to her husband.


"It's not a little fish. It's a shark! Move it in boys!" Stan calls out. A truck from the CIA backs into their driveway. The truck dumps a shark into the huge fishtank. Then the CIA truck drives away.


"Are you sure it's legal to keep a shark as a pet?" asked Francine. "If that gangster Joe Gallo can have one. So can a conformist like myself!" Stan says.


"Why hello there shark! Welcome to our family!" Francine greeted the shark. "Hola! My name is Juan Carlos. Hope to make an excellent addition to your family!" the shark introduced himself.


"Do tell us about yourself, Juan Carlos." Stan asked. "I used to be a drag queen up in Atlantic City. Then this gringo bastard caught me and used some techno shit on me. Before I knew it I was a shark." Juan Carlos explains his life story.


"Stan, I like Juan Carlos. But I want him to stay outside." Francine speaks out. "No problem. I wasn't going to let him in the house anyway. Juan Carlos will be an outdoor pet." said Stan.



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A day went by and Juan Carlos became an excellent member of the Smith family. Jeff and Hayley were sleeping in bed when the sun rose. Until they hear flute music outside their bedroom window.


"Is that pan flute dude Zamfir in town?" asked Jeff. "I'll go check." said Hayley. Looking out the window, Hayley sees Juan Carlos playing the flute. "Good morning Juan Carlos!" greets Hayley.


"Buenos Dias! Thought I'd brighten your morning with a little music!" Juan Carlos says. "Gracias Juan Carlos! Don't stop!" said Jeff. "We feel bad for you that the CIA busted you on such a petty crime. So we decided to accept you as our new pet." Hayley tells Juan Carlos.


"Very flattered, si!" Juan Carlos says then he continued to play the flute music. Even Stan and Francine liked it. "Wow! That flute music makes me feel so amazing!" said Stan. "I know right. Why hasn't Roger meet him yet?" wonders Francine.


Roger fell asleep in the cemetery which was his new ritual since Klaus had died. Deciding to go back and lock himself in the attic, Roger picks himself up and walks back home. Despite having a hangover after binge drinking at the cemetery. When Roger arrived home, he is meet with Juan Carlos. Who catches him crying.


"Senor, Que pasa?" asked Juan Carlos to Roger. "A month ago I lost a very special friend. He meant so much to me. And the family moved on and forgot about him in the weeks to come." Roger explains to Juan Carlos.


"Who's the friend you speak of?" asked Juan Carlos. "A goldfish named Klaus. He was from Germany. He used to be an Olympic skiier then he got captured by the CIA and his body got put inside a goldfish." Roger told.


"Si Si. I know how you feel, I had a cuaracha for a pet once until an exterminator killed him. My family did not understand my grief. La cuaracha meant a great deal to me." said Juan Carlos.


"Well if you think you're going to be my friend, think again!" Roger snapped. "Why don't you like me senor? I heard you have a girly side. I used to be a drag queen. Just like your Klaus goldfish the CIA caught me for tax evasion and put me in the body of a shark." Juan Carlos tells Roger.


"I don't give a flying shit fucks if you're into drag! Or about your pitiful life story about having a cockroach as a pet! You are not Klaus! You will not replace him! I don't like you and I never will! Now if you'll excuse me. I'm locking myself in the attic!" Roger roared at Juan Carlos running inside the Smith house to not have to face the reality that Klaus had been replaced.


Stan was about to get ready for work, and Roger comes running inside crying. "Hey, Roger, did you meet Juan Carlos yet?" asked Stan. "Are those tears of joy?" asks Francine. "What do you think! Can see you have forgotten about Klaus completely!" Roger sneered at Stan.


"Now Roger we all miss Klaus too. But we all felt an empty void when he died!" Stan tries to console Roger. "SURE HAVE A FUNNY WAY OF SHOWING IT!" Roger yelled. "That's why we have Juan Carlos now!" Francine said.


"Don't worry, you'll get used to him. We already have!" Stan says.


Roger is not having it. The alien runs upstairs to lock himself in his attic.


"Why doesn't Roger use his Dr. Penguin persona to make himself happy?" Francine asks off the cuff. "Who cares if Roger doesn't like Juan Carlos. He's going to be a mainstay in the Smith family whether he likes it or not!" Stan departs from his house and goes to work.


That very afternoon, Roger slept off his hangover. Steve comes home from school and is greeted by Juan Carlos.


"Hola handsome lad." Juan Carlos said to Steve. "Hola yourself! Still trying to get a hold of this Spanish thing. Even taking a Spanish course." Steve said.


"Why not tell Juan Carlos about your day?"


"You mean like a diary that I can tell you anything without being judged?" Steve asks.


"Si senor!" Juan Carlos answers.


"All right. Where do I begin. You see. I've always been embarrassed by my scrawny body. Which is one of the reasons why I think hot girls don't notice me." Steve tells Juan Carlos.


Juan Carlos says, "Please do go on....."


"Then I went into the library and saw some National Geographic magazines and saw some pictures of starving Africans. Then I said to myself. I don't feel so alone anymore." said Steve.


"Always good to talk about your feelings instead of keeping them bottled up. Oh and I got a bottle just for you, senor!" Juan Carlos says.


"Is it Tequila?" asked Steve.


"Oh no, I never give alcohol to minors but I can give you this..." Juan Carlos says handing Steve a bottle of cologne. "Now all the girls in your school will notice you!"


Steve reads the bottle, "Wow Cologne! And it's Hugo Boss! I'm finally old enough! Thanks....I mean gracias Juan Carlos!" "Please speak English to me senor you don't need to talk to me in Espanol!" Juan Carlos told Steve.


The week goes by. It was Friday. Stan, Francine, Jeff, Hayley, and Steve were really enjoying Juan Carlos's company. Juan Carlos even helped them feel better about whatever problems they had . To celebrate their new pet, The Smiths were outside having a Karaoke party with Juan Carlos. Roger was in a deep sleep all week after all that wine he consumed.


Stan was up at the microphone singing Lit's My Own Worst Enemy "Can We Forget About The Things I Said When I Was Drunk? I Didn't Mean To Call You That!" Stan sings then finished the song, "I'm outta here!" Steve, Hayley, Francine, and Jeff all clapped for Stan!


"That was awesome Dad! Didn't think you had it in you!" Steve tells his father. "No kidding, Mr. S. We usually think of you as a stiff!" Jeff says.


"So happy you like my karaoke! We used to do this a lot back in Atlantic City!" Juan Carlos says.


"Jeff and Hayley would you like to give this a try?" Francine asks.


"Wouldn't we ever!" Jeff said. "Juan Carlos just makes everything so much fun!" Hayley says.


Francine pushes a button on the Karaoke machine and Smash Mouth's Can't Get Enough of You is chosen for Jeff and Hayley sing.


"We can be a duet! Can't Get Enough Of You Baby!" Jeff sang. Hayley sings and joins in, "Can't Get Enough Of You Baby!"


Jeff and Hayley both sing together, "Yes it's true! Baby yes it's true!"


The day went on and The Smith family was having the time of their lives with Juan Carlos. Even played some backyard games like Swingball and All Star Kickball.


Yet, Roger remained locked in his attic. Sleeping off the alcohol, missing out on all the fun. All because he was inconsolable about Klaus's death and refused to make friends with Juan Carlos.


When the party was over. Saturday was here. Roger woke up and got out of his attic. It was 12:30 in the afternoon when Roger woke up. He notices the Smith family were gone. Roger sees a note and reads, "Roger if you ever get out of your room. Come join us at Sub Hub. Hayley got us a coupon for free subs for the whole family. Come join us if you can. It's not the same without you. Signed Stan. P.S. In the meantime, befriend Juan Carlos! Give him a chance, will you?"


Crumbling up the note, Roger marches outside to talk to Juan Carlos. "Oh I'll befriend all right......" Roger says in a sotto voice.



Making his way into the backyard. Roger meets Juan Carlos face to face. "Well well well. The vampire has risen from his grave!" Juan Carlos snarks. "If that's supposed to be funny, it sure as fuck isn't!" says Roger who then goes on, "Yeah that's me, vampire! I'm a regular Christopher Lee!"


"Oh come on, senor! Why won't you give me a chance! Even your family wants you to. You need to move on from this Klaus!" Juan Carlos stands with reason.


"Nothing you can do or say can ever make me like you!" Roger points at Juan Carlos. "That Stan guy told me you like Hollywood facts, no? If you can believe this I played a small bit part in The Adventures of Priscilla Queen of The Desert!" Juan Carlos told Roger.


"If that's going to impress me, it sure as fuck doesn't!" Roger tells off the shark. "The year after I even had a bit role in another drag queen movie. Ever seen To Wong Fu, Thanks For Everything Julie Newmar?" Juan Carlos still trying his best to win Roger over.


"I didn't see your name in the credits! That's for fucking sure." Roger says. "No matter what you do or what you say. YOU WILL NEVER FILL THE VOID WITH KLAUS!"


"What was so great about this Klaus guy anyway? He sounds like nothing but a pain in the ass!" Juan Carlos speaks out.


"Klaus is a million times cooler than you ever were! Me and Klaus used to like to do criminal things together! We even stowed away in a time machine! Hell! You should've seen what we did to some college kids when I tried to be a limo driver!" Roger explains.


"Oh that's it! No more senor nice shark! There is a reason why I agreed to move in with this pathetic family of yours is so I can wait for the exact time to kill them all!" Juan Carlos informs Roger.


"Wait what? KILL? As in murder?!" Roger asked in confusion.


"Absolutely. Was hoping you were going to stay in that attic forever so I can follow through with my plan to kill the Smiths. You see I want revenge on Stan Smith for arresting me on tax evasion. Then before I knew it he and all those other CIA agents strapped me to a table, before I knew it I was inside a shark's body!" Juan Carlos says.


"You're not going to kill them! I won't let you!" Roger warned. "A little too late for that. When the Smith family come home I will kill them all. Then burn down their house and make it look like YOU DID IT!" Juan Carlos laughs.


"Framing me for murder hey! Well, you'll never succeed! Because got something you don't have! That's the power of time travel! I don't care if I fuck up the timeline. I'm going to bring back Klaus if it's the last thing I ever DO! As for you, you will have NEVER been invited to join this family only to murder them all and make me take the rap! I've seen Law and Order SVU! And I REFUSE to end up like any of those suspects on that show!" Roger yells at Juan Carlos.


"Oooooh, time travel! I'm so scared! You going to get a time machine to kill me!" Juan Carlos begins to laugh.


Roger runs into his attic and gets a scuba suit. "So long, Juan Carlos! Klaus Heissler! I'm bringing you home!"


In this scuba suit, Roger runs to the lake where Stan threw the keys to the time machine a month before. Juan Carlos begins to shout swear words in Spanish at Roger. However, the alien didn't care. Now Roger was more determined than ever to get his goldfish friend back!



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Jumping into the Langley Falls lake. Roger jumps in with this scuba gear to find the keys. Along his path, Roger runs into some fish. From Largemouth Bass, Bluegills, Fathead Minnows, and Green Sunfish. The fish were even singing a song. "Smile Darn Ya Smile! You Know This Old World Is A Great World After All! Smile Darn Ya Smile! And Right Away Watch Lady Luck Pay You A Call!" Seeing those fish gave Roger even more motivation to bring back Klaus! Swimming for miles and what seemed like hours on end. Roger finally finds the keys to his time machine.


"EUREKA! Now let's go to the CIA building!" Roger said.


With the keys in his hands, still in his scuba suit. Roger runs into the CIA Building and uses the time machine. Getting a rush of adrenaline, Roger punches the doors down that were in front of the CIA time machine. Putting the keys into open the time machine. Roger enters. The mechanical voice asks, "Where to?"

"Last month and a week ago!" Roger orders the time machine.

"Access Granted! WORKING!" The mechanical voice says. The time machine shakes, which Roger had forgotten about. "I FORGOT THIS TIME MACHINE SHAKES LIKE AN EARTHQUAKE!" Before Roger knew it, he was in the street next to the Smith Family driveway reunited with Klaus.


Like before...but this time things will be different.


Roger and Klaus were playing street football. "I'd much rather do this than time travel!" Roger told Klaus. "Exactly, to be honest. Time travel wasn't as fun as I thought it would be." Klaus confessed. Roger declared "You're right. Brian and Stewie make it look so easy!" "Yes, but we are not them! Less talk more ball!" Klaus said with vigor.


"Say you know what, Klaus." Roger said. "What is it?" asked Klaus. "Let's not play in the streets where a semi truck can hit you." Roger says.


"Maybe you're right. Let's play in the backyard instead." agrees Klaus. "Who plays football in the streets anyway? We're not Doughboy and Tre from Boyz In Da Hood!" Roger says.


Going into the Smith's backyard. Roger was about to throw the ball to Klaus. "31, 42, 53, 64, 75, HIKE!" Roger throws the football not too far away. Klaus jumped up in the air and caught it. "You didn't throw it far enough. You usually do? But why?" asked Klaus.


"I lost you once I didn't want to lose you again." Roger tells his goldfish friend.


"What are you talking about? You never lost me." Klaus says. "Yeah, sorry I said that. Anyway, throw the ball back to me!" Roger said.


The semi truck that hit Klaus the first time around, drove past the Smith house. "Dude, Roger! You must be psychic. How did you know that truck was coming?" Klaus said astounded.


"I'm an alien I have my ways." Roger said. "I'm glad we played football in the backyard now instead of the street. That was very unselfish of you Roger! In a way you saved my life!" Klaus complements Roger.


"Maybe it's because I could not imagine life without you!" Roger says with a smile. Klaus smiles back. Francine came running into the backyard.


"Oh my gosh! How can I have been so stupid?" Francine shouted. "What's the Story Morning Glory?" asked Roger.


"Klaus's birthday is in two weeks. And I have not prepared for it at all!" Francine says with regret. Stan runs outside to see why Francine was yelling.


"I had it worse today! A Mexican Drag Queen got away from me in Atlantic City!" Stan tells wife. "YES!" Roger whispers to himself.


"Never you fear, Frannie! Klaus and I will help you plan for his birthday for the next two weeks!" Roger said. "Thank you, Roger." Francine said. Roger picks up Klaus in his bowl, "I guess I live to see another year!" Klaus boasted. "Thanks to me, pal!" Roger reminds Klaus.



TWO WEEKS LATER.



The Smith family was having a birthday party for Klaus. "FOR HES A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW! FOR HES A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW! FOR HES A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW! WHICH NOBODY CAN DENY!" Stan, Francine, Roger, Hayley, Steve, and Jeff all sing for Klaus.


"Awww, shucks! I don't know what to say!" Klaus said with tears in his eyes.


"How about thank you!" Francine said. "Okay, who wants some cake!" asked Stan. "After that, Klaus gets to open his presents!" Steve says.


Roger has a present he wants to give to Klaus. "Open mine first." "With gusto, Roger!"


Klaus opens the present and it was a framed picture of Roger and Klaus having fun at Sugar Mountain.


"I remember this. We sure had fun that day didn't we!" Klaus recalls.


"Yeah, funny thing was. That theme park used to be all about guns. Man was Hayley offended or what!" Roger laughs heartedly at the memory.


"You really saved my ass back there. If we had played on the street. Who knows what could've happened!" Klaus says. "I don't even want to go there!" Roger tells his goldfish friend.


"Roger! Klaus! Come outside! We'll take our picture!" Stan demands.


"Well, let's go. Happy Birthday Day Dear Klaus. Happy Birthday To You! And Many More! Years to Live!" Roger says.


"Gave a good feeling I will live longer than all of you!" jokes Klaus.


Going outside into the backyard. Reginald has the Smith Family with Roger and Klaus front and center to take a picture celebrating Klaus's birthday.


"Say cheese!" Reginald says.


"CHEESE!" Roger, Klaus, Stan, Francine, Steve, Hayley, and Jeff all say. The photo turned into a portrait that eventually went into the scrapbook of SMITH FAMILY MEMORIES!



Roger and Klaus will never be apart again!