FicWad

Troubled Waters (a difficult situation)
California, October 2014, Fall
Tweek made eye contact with a boy who stood near the door, holding a red solo cup as he chatted to a girl. Tweek gave them an apologetic look as he interrupted them, his words a little garbled as saliva filled his mouth. Fuck, it’s happening, like, right now. Shit.
‘Hey, I’m really sorry, but where’s the bathroom?’
The boy blinked at him. The girl looked concerned.
‘Just down the hallway to the right. Dude, are you ok?’
‘Yup, I’m good, thanks.’
‘You -’
Tweek staggered towards the doorway. Despite his focus on getting to the bathroom before he threw up where people could see it and judge him, he registered that Craig wasn’t in the room. He would have known without directly seeing Craig that he was nearby. It had been that way for years.
He won’t be far. Worry less about him and more about puking in front of everyone.
Just thinking the word ‘puke’ explicitly to himself made him retch a little bit.
He opened the first door on the right-hand side of the corridor and dimly saw a couple of people entwined on a bed, who exclaimed in protest.
‘Sorry, sorry.’
He slammed the door shut again and staggered to the next one. He opened it to see shelves of folded sheets and towels. Fuck.
Tweek retched again, his stomach churning as he desperately tugged on the final door in the hallway. He fell through it to find himself in a blue tiled room with a toilet, a bathtub, a shower, and a sink.
Oh, thank God.
He shoved the door closed behind him with a bang, and whirled around to fall to his knees in front of the grimy toilet bowl.
Tweek sobbed as he was violently, horribly, repeatedly sick into the toilet. The thump of bass and tangle of distorted voices through the wall collided with the frenzied thumping of his heart and racing, furious thoughts in his head. Dimly he registered that he hadn’t eaten any solid foods since the previous night as he grimly looked down at the acidic liquid vomit in the bowl, stained brown with all the coffee he’d drunk that day as he desperately tried to focus on study.
He was breathing hard, his knees aching against the chipped cold lino floor as he rested his sweaty forehead against the rim of the seat.
God, is it over?
I think that’s it.
Tweak gripped the edges of the toilet bowl and laboriously clambered to his feet before flushing away the carnage. Vigorously he washed his hands in the sink, splashed his face with cold water, and rinsed his mouth out with the Listerine he found on the grubby counter before moving to repeatedly gargle with water from the tap.
The grey pallor of his complexion and the dark shadows under his eyes were severe enough to scare him a little. His hair stuck out at all angles in a way it hadn’t regressed to since he was a child.
As he stared down the heartbroken young man facing him in the mirror, he suddenly heard voices outside in the hallway.
‘Look, dude, I need to find my boyfriend. He went outside and the people out there said he was upset and he ran off.’
Craig.
And then a second voice, masculine, as deep as Craig’s but not as mellow, and utterly unfamiliar.
‘Right. You came with that, like, fat little blonde guy right?’
‘Don’t talk about him like that.’
Craig spoke calmly, but Tweek recognised the contained anger in his voice.
‘I’m not hearing a no.’
‘Seriously, man. You’re way out of line.’
Tweek’s heart pounded in his ears as the voices grew nearer, and he heard the tenor in Craig’s voice rising. He wanted to run over and wrench open the door, but he trembled as he stood, panic rooting him to the stop.
‘Look, you’re like, a ten. And he’s a five at best. Maybe a four or a three today. He looked like microwaved shit, Craig.’
‘I’m serious. Stop.’
‘You deserve someone on your level.’
A dull thump against the wall outside.
‘Get off me.’
‘Shhh. Is your boyfriend even capable of topping? Like, if anyone would ever want him to do that?’
‘You’ve gone too far. Get off me. Seriously.’
‘There are so many bedrooms.’
‘I said no.’
‘If you really wanted me to stop, you could easily get me off. Ha. You could definitely get me off.’
‘I -’
‘You could throw me around the room if you wanted to. In fact, what if we use this room right here?’
‘No-’
The bathroom door suddenly slammed open as Craig fell inside, an athletic-looking young man with shaggy brown hair and wiry, lanky limbs pressed against him. The man looked briefly surprised to see Tweek, but quickly smirked at him, his eyes cold and cruel.
‘Oh, speak of the devil. Here he is, Craig. That’s him, isn’t it?’
Craig shoved the man off, whirling around to face Tweek and hurrying over to him, his face twisted with worry.
‘Tweek! I was so worried-’ Craig gently placed a hand between his shoulder blades, like he had done so many times before. Tweek could feel Craig studying his face in the mirror.
‘Honey, what happened? Were you sick?’
Tweek nodded, feeling tears of shame prick in the corner of his eyes again.
‘Yeah.’
‘Hey, hey, don’t cry, baby. I’ve got you.’
Craig cradled Tweek in his arms as to his utter humiliation, Tweek felt himself starting to freshly weep. In the mirror, Tweek watched Craig fix the man with an expression that was so severe it scared him a little.
‘Get out of here right now, or I’ll kick, your, ass. I’m serious.’
The man raised his eyebrows, lifting his hands to expose the palms. ‘Ok, ok. Jesus. Fine. Have fun with this, Craig. If it gets too much you know where to find me. Tweek? As you were.’
With a rude little laugh, he walked out of the bathroom, slamming the door behind him. Craig shook his head angrily and gently manoeuvred Tweek to sit on the edge of the bathtub with him.
‘Baby, what happened?’
‘I needed to puke.’
Tweek’s head was pounding. He could feel himself shaking in a way he hadn’t since grade school. Craig peered into his face, frowning.
‘The girls outside said you were hanging out and then you ran off. They were really worried about you.’
‘I’m sorry I caused so much trouble, Craig,’ he mumbled, the words catching in his mouth.
Craig shook his head. ‘What? No! Don’t be sorry!’
Tweek was silent for a few moments while Craig watched him. He willed himself not to be sick again, shocked that there could somehow be something left inside of him. Finally he met Craig’s eyes and spoke.
‘Are you ok? I heard you in the hallway.’
Craig grimaced and shook his head. ‘Yeah. He just wouldn’t take no for an answer.’
Tweek swallowed, tasting the acrid mix of stomach acid and cigarette smoke on his tongue.
‘It sounded like he was getting rough with you. Are you really ok, Craig?’
‘He pushed me against the wall. I could have pushed him off if I really needed to, but I wanted to talk him out of it.’
If you really needed to?
Don’t get mad at Craig. This isn’t his fault.
Then why is he being so weird and cagey about it?
He’s not.
Isn’t he?
The guy was pressuring him. It’s that simple.
Is it?
Tweek nodded slowly. ‘Ok, I get that. As long as you’re ok. Who was he?’
Craig made a noise of disgust and gently rubbed Tweek’s back to reassure him. ‘Honey, look, I promise you, I barely know him. And I definitely don’t like him. And I definitely definitely don’t like him like that. You saw how awful he is.’
Tweek felt a sudden shock of anger and vehemence. It was hard to tell at whom it was directed.
Stop projecting your insecurities on Craig. That guy was being an absolute creep. He was being predatory as fuck.
But why is Craig getting so defensive?
Because he’s not. And even if he was - because guys don’t get taught how to deal with this? Because no one really does? Because it’s normal to panic when someone’s tried to force themselves on you?
He pulled away, his head spinning.
‘Who is he?’
The question came out overtly sharper than he meant for it to. He reached for Craig’s hand and gave it a little squeeze. Craig sighed.
‘His name’s Blake. I’ve spoken to him a couple of times, but I never wanted to. He was just persistent.’
Tweek tried to nod in understanding, but he could feel his stomach still churning as he slowly let go of Craig’s hand. Stop crying.
Craig’s eyes on him could burn holes in his face. ‘Tweek, look, I’m over the limit but I can still drive. I just want to get you home. We need to get you to bed. You can have a shower if it will make you feel better. I can make you some tea or some soup if it will make you feel better.’
Tweek felt another flash of tangled shame and rage.
Don’t wreck Craig’s night.
He shook his head violently as he stood up and stepped backwards away from Craig and towards the door, steeling himself to keep his voice firm and level.
‘No, we should stay. And anyway, I can drive. I’m totally sober. For once. Shockingly.’
‘Tweek -’
Tweek felt powerless to stop the anger from infusing his voice. Where is this coming from?
‘Look. I can drive us home. It’s fine.’
‘I can’t stop you driving, if it’s actually safe. But we need to get you home.’
‘Craig, I’m not a kid. I can make my own decisions. You need to stop feeling guilty.’
Craig frowned, his eyes bright with hurt. ‘What? Why would I feel guilty?’
The voice in Tweek’s head was flat.
Why are you angry at Craig?
The words were tumbling out of his mouth before he could stop them.
‘Because you’ve been spending all this time with Tricia and everyone else, but not with me? Because you told her about your GED before you even bothered to get hold of me? Because you just let some guy talk shit about how gross I am without stopping him from trying to stop feeling you up?’
Craig’s eyebrows shot up, his brow creasing. For a moment he looked utterly shocked, but it was instantly replaced by a deep, disappointed sadness.
‘Craig, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean -’
‘It’s ok.’
‘No, it’s not. That was fucked up for me to say that about Blake. That wasn’t ok for me to say. This isn’t on you, at all. Rationally, I -’
‘I said it’s ok.’
For a few moments they stared at each other, their faces pale. Tweek had no idea what he could say to backtrack.
You victim blaming little cunt. Just because you feel shitty about yourself, you’re blaming Craig for some guy pushing him.
I know I’m insecure. But is that all it is?
If you don’t trust Craig, that’s your issue.
Of course you trust Craig. It would be wrong after all this
Suddenly a vicious little thought grabbed his brain.
It wouldn’t be the first time he’s stepped away from you because it all got too much.
That’s in the past. It’s forgiven.
Is it? Then why don’t you let yourself think about it, ever?
I –
If you’re so ok with it, then why do you try to act like it never happened?
I don’t know.
Tweek took a deep breath and let it out as an exhausted, defeated sigh. He felt a thousand years old.
‘Maybe you’re right, Craig. Maybe we should go home.’
‘Tweek, I -’
‘You’re right. Let’s go home.’
‘Honey -’
Suddenly he could feel the worst panic attack of his life bubbling up inside him, gripping his lungs. The room span.
Oh, shit. This is self-harm territory. This is suicidal thinking territory.
‘Fuck. Craig. Please let’s go home.’
‘Okay, Tweek, can we just -’
Tweek violently shook his head, trying to keep from hyperventilating and turned around to leave the bathroom. For a moment he turned and stared back at Craig, his hand on the doorknob. Craig’s eyes were filled with tears. All Tweek wanted was to reach out and hold him. But he couldn’t bring himself to do it. The alarms in his brain were screaming at him.
He hurried out of the bathroom and into the hallway, Craig following right behind him. The room was still full of partygoers, which allowed them to slip through towards the sliding door without being noticed by anyone. To Tweek’s relief Blake was nowhere to be seen, and neither was Tricia. He quietly opened the door and slipped through, Craig close behind him. As Tweek stepped through and began sliding the door back into place, he heard her voice calling his name through the crowd.
‘Tweek, wait! Craig!’
He looked up to see Tricia hurrying towards them.
‘Are you ok? Where did you go, Tweek? Are you sick?’
Tweek forced a smile but all he wanted to do was scream. ‘Yeah, we’re ok. We’re just heading off. Sorry, I’m really not feeling well.’
‘Oh no. What’s wrong?’
‘Nothing big. Craig just wants to get me home. He’s making me see sense, ha.’
Craig raised a hand from beside Tweek.
‘Yeah, we’re good, Trish. Thanks for doing all this, it was really lovely. Can you tell Saanvi that when you see her? Enjoy the rest of your night, we’ll see you soon. Love you.’
He forced a smile too. Tweek didn’t expect Tricia to see through it as she worriedly studied their faces, but with another pang in his stomach he turned and strode off, Craig close behind him. Neither of them knew how they could move so fast when they felt so horrendous, but to anyone else it would have been obvious as a fight or flight stress response.
As they fled down the steps, Tweek heard voices behind him, calling his name.
‘Tweek? Where are you going?’
He turned his head back without stopping to force a smile at Holly and Lucy.
‘Hey, guys. We’re just heading home a bit early. It was nice to meet you both. Take care.’
Tweek hurried away from them, seeing them start to follow out of the corner of his eye. Craig stopped. ‘You don’t want to talk to them?’
‘No. We should go. Please, you’re right. Let’s go.’
Holly called out after them. ‘Tweek? Are you ok? Is this Craig? Craig?’
Craig turned as they almost ran down the steps. ‘Hey, yeah I’m Craig. Sorry about this, what bad timing! We’ll talk properly next time, ok? See ya!’
Tweek dimly registered their bewildered expressions behind them as he almost sprinted to the car. He hadn’t gotten any exercise in months but the adrenaline chased him towards the car. Craig struggled to keep up, shouting after him as he ran.
‘Tweek! Please!’
He ignored Craig and kept running, shoes slapping on the pavement. His stomach churned, his head spinning, and he leaned on the car for support as he reached it. Craig caught up to him, panting.
‘Honey. What’s going on?’
I’m having the worst panic attack of my adult life. Yes, it’s happening now for some reason.
‘I just want to get home. I really don’t want to talk right now, please.’
‘Ok, if that’s what you want. Are you sure you’re ok to drive?’
No.
‘Yes.’
He unlocked the car and threw himself into the driver seat, buckling himself in with record time as Craig struggled with the passenger door. Tweek forced himself to take deep breaths as Craig sat down beside him and calmly buckled himself in. He still wanted to sob as Craig spoke again.
‘Tweek, I’m really worried about you. I’d really like to talk about this more. You said something really big and I don’t think we should just leave it –‘
‘No, I shouldn’t have said it. I’m so sorry. Can we just forget it? Please? I just want to focus on driving.’
‘Okay, if -’
Abruptly Tweek flicked on the radio. Hey Violet’s single My Consequence blared, filling the car and blocking out the noise in Tweek’s brain.

High and we don’t need anything, anything
Here in the dark, I feel my heart
And we react like chemicals, chemicals
Here in the darkness, I feel my heart race

Oh, when we lock eyes, come with me, don’t kill the vibe
Look around, no one’s in sight, hold me down if I get too wild I swear
You and I can disappear, we can run away from here
To the darkest places, it’s too late no one can save us now

When you spill your guts they don’t go back in
If I say too much it’s my consequence
So take your razor love and run it down my skin
If I bleed too much it’s my consequence

At the lyric ‘spill your guts’ Tweek felt a renewed wave of nausea envelop him.
Oh no. Not here.
Yes. Here.
He shook his head, indicating and beginning to turn the wheel. ‘Fuck. I have to pull over. Sorry.’
‘Tweek -’
Tweek swerved off the highway and onto the gravel of a rest stop, spraying grit across the road. A truck honked angrily.
Craig’s heart pounded as Tweek desperately wrestled with his seatbelt, his face ashen.
‘Honey -’
‘I can’t.’
Tweak’s voice was weak, desperate as he finally clicked the belt out of place. He grappled with the door handle and shoved the door open, leaning so far out of the car and moving so quickly that he almost tumbled out of the seat. Craig winced at the sound of Tweek retching violently for far too long and then beginning to sob.
He reached out a hand to try and touch Tweek between his shoulder blades. ‘Baby, please -’
‘It’s ok, Craig.’
‘No, it’s not. I’m so worried about you. What is going on with you?’
‘I can’t, ok? We need to get home. Please just let me drive.’
‘Ok, baby.’
‘Please don’t call me baby. Not now.’
Craig slowly nodded. They drove home in stony silence.
If I bleed too much, it’s my consequence.