Categories > TV > Star Trek: The Original Series > Star Infinity
Chapter III
0 reviewsThe Death Star fires its superlaser, destroying Alderaan—oh, wait, wrong franchise.
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A massive, perfectly spherical space station with a mean diameter of 1,000 kilometers (~621.37 miles) orbits Earth. This is New Earth Spacedock, also known as NES, with the registry number NES-001. It resembles a scaled up "Death Star", a space station from Star Wars, only without the superlaser dish.
Like the Death Star, New Earth Spacedock has an equatorial indentation or "trench" wrapping around the sphere. However, it also has two polar trenches, which intersect with the equatorial one. This makes each side resemble the astronomical symbol of Earth. The trenches separate the sphere into eight octants, and they hold the spacedoors for larger vessels and various docking bays for smaller vessels. The trenches are ten kilometers (~6.21 miles) in width and half that in depth.
The newly-promoted Rear Admiral, Lower Half Joshua Picard-Kirk beams into one of the station's many transporter rooms. He steps off the transporter pad to be greeted by Monique Evette La Forge.
"Hello, Admiral."
Picard-Kirk squints at Monique incredulously, "So, you are the chief engineer, eh? What do you know about engineering?"
"I once built a lighted dollhouse for one of my young'uns. I tell you, wiring that thing was a bitch!" she answers.
"I see. Anyway, why aren't the Enterprise's transporters operating?"
"Well, actually, they are working, sir, but as this is a parody of Star Trek: The Motion Picture—"
"Shh! Ix-nay on eaking-bray the ourth-fay all-way!" Picard-Kirk says in Pig Latin.
"Fay Wray in a hallway? What?"
"Bah! Never mind!" Picard-Kirk makes a dismissive hand gesture, and they walk out of the transporter room onto the promenade.
As they walk, they hear someone shout, "Hey! Wait up!" It is a hologram of Sonic the Hedgehog from the eponymous series of video games, wearing a mobile emitter. He holds a brown paper bag. Picard-Kirk and La Forge stop walking.
"Is that Sonic the Hedgehog?" La Forge wonders.
"Who?" Picard-Kirk wonders.
"Thanks," Sonic says as he approaches them.
La Forge, fascinated, starts touching him, "Wow, you feel so real."
"Hey, knock it off! Personal space, please!"
La Forge stops, "I apologize. It's just that I used to play your games. You see, I am from the twenty-first century. I am—um—temporarily despondent."
"You mean temporally displaced?"
"I think so."
"Pardon, but will you identify yourself š'il vous plaît?" Picard-Kirk interjects.
"Oh, sorry, sir. I am Lieutenant Commander Sonic the Hedgehog, chief of security and tactical officer of the starship Enterprise. Are you Admiral Picard-Kirk?"
"I am," Picard-Kirk then notices Sonic's mobile emitter, "So, you are a hologram? Forgive me, but what are you supposed to represent exactly?"
"I am based on a fictional video game character created in the late twentieth century. He and his first game are called 'Sonic the Hedgehog'. He is supposedly able to run faster than the speed of sound, hence his name. My creator, my father, is Doctor Chris Thorndyke."
"Like from Sonic X?" La Forge asks.
"Uh, yes, anyway, I am not the only 'Sonic' character he created; one of my 'siblings' is a hologram of Doctor Ivo 'Eggman' Robotnik. In fact, he was the original designer of the Enterprise—and the original project director—until he left . . ." Sonic looks down with embarrassment.
"Ahem," Picard-Kirk clears his throat, snapping Sonic from his reverie. "Uh—er—you know—that's a discussion for another time!" They begin walking again.
"So, Commander Sonic, I trust that you are prepared for your duties as chief of security and tactical officer."
"Yes, Admiral—wait, I saw you on the news with the new chief of Starfleet operations. What's his name—Admiral Kurtzman? I could've sworn that Captain Decker was supposed to be commanding the Enterprise."
"Let's just say that I pulled some strings. Why aren't you already aboard?"
"Captain Decker requested that I pick up some groceries for him," Sonic emphasizes the brown paper bag in his hands.
"Groceries? In the thirty-fourth century? Is this not what replicators are for?"
"Captain Decker claims that replicated food tastes 'rubbery' or something," Sonic clarifies, only for Picard-Kirk to roll his eyes.
"New Earth Spacedock Shuttle 47, Ilia, is ready to depart for Enterprise," a voice announces over the intercom, and a trail of holographic arrows appear to mark the way.
"That's us, I guess," Picard-Kirk says, and the trio head for the shuttlebay.
Parked in a specially-built drydock, resembling the skeleton of a giant sea creature, is Picard-Kirk's first starship command: U.S.S. Enterprise NCC-1701-AA, the successor to the Picard-class Enterprise-Z. The Enterprise-AA is the first of the Enterprise class and the third Suprederation starship (29th overall), to bear the illustrious name.
The ship has four hyperwarp nacelles and dimensions of 12,000 meters (~39,370.08 feet) by 9,000 meters (~29,527.56 feet) by 6,000 meters (~19,685.04 feet), making her the largest starship that the Suprederation has ever built. Hers is also likely to remain a sui generis design.
The shuttle Ilia lands in the Enterprise-AA's shuttlebay. As the trio disembark the shuttle, they are spotted by Picard-Kirk's twin daughters, Molly and Polly. They both wear green uniforms, are bald with pink skin, have a cartilaginous ridge bifurcating their blue-eyed faces, and have antennae on their heads.
"Dad!?" they blurt.
"Dad?" Sonic and Monique look at Picard-Kirk, surprised.
"Molly? Polly? What are you doing here?"
"Molly speaks first, Well, I am the ship's flight controller—"
"—and I am a transporter chief," Polly finishes, "What are you doing here?" they then ask.
"I am here to take command of the Enterprise. Did you not see the broadcast of the one-hundred-fortieth anniversary celebration? Admiral Kurtzman promoted me to Rear Admiral, Lower Half and gave me command of the Enterprise."
Molly and Polly look at each other, "But, we already have a commanding officer: Captain Decker," the former speaks.
"Does he not know—? Where is he now?" Picard-Kirk wonders.
"Engineering," Polly answers, and Picard-Kirk leaves. Sonic and Monique follow him.
After they are out of earshot, the twins say to each other, "Captain Decker's going to be pissed!"
Later, Picard-Kirk and his senior staff, sans Dr. Larry Burton, gather inside the Enterprise's holomatrix. Commander La Forge is the first to speak.
"Hey, Admiral, why are we on the holodeck again?"
"Holomatrix, Commander, holomatrix," Picard-Kirk corrects her.
"What's the difference? They do the same thing: simulate holographic environments."
Captain William Stephen Decker says, "'Holomatrix' sounds more futuristic," Monique just rolls her eyes in response.
"Yeah, whatever. Anyway, Computer, initiate the Emergency Narration Hologram," Picard-Kirk orders.
A hologram of American actor Morgan Freeman appears.
"Please state the nature of the narrative emergency," the Freeman hologram requests.
"Oh, wow! It's Morgan Freeman!" Monique enthuses.
"Greetings, Mr. Freeman, please recite our biographies for our readers."
"Very well," the Freeman hologram responds, clearing his throat.
Greetings, I am Morgan Freeman, or at least, I am a hologram of his likeness. First, we will begin with the tale of Rear Admiral, Lower Half Joshua Picard-Kirk. He was born on Earth in Marseille, France on September 8, 3256. His parents are Sophie Picard-Kirk, a Frenchwoman, and Robert Picard-Kirk, a Canadian man. Picard-Kirk does not have a middle name, and as his surname implies, he descends directly from legendary Enterprise captains James Tiberius Kirk and Jean-Luc Picard.
Molly and Polly Picard-Kirk are his twin daughters. The former is the Enterprise's flight controller, and the latter is one of the Enterprise's transporter chiefs. They were born on May 21, 3278 to now-retired Admiral Twi'lek Shran, a half-Andorian, half-Bolian woman. She was and still is one of Starfleet's most highly-decorated officers, and serving with her under any capacity was considered a great honor at the time.
Back when Shran was a vice admiral, her aide was Joshua Picard-Kirk, who didn't even know who she was! Picard-Kirk had recently graduated from Starfleet Academy at full lieutenant—somehow. (Everyone knows, of course, that it was because of his ancestry, and that he was banging his female instructors.)
Shran picked Picard-Kirk—by name—to be her personal aide. That she picked him of all people baffled and infuriated her admirers. While Shran ostensibly picked Picard-Kirk for his academic standing, she actually overheard that he was a "fertility god" during her visits to the academy. To put it succinctly, Picard-Kirk and Shran "got biblical", so to speak. They also forewent contraception, as they didn't think that they were biologically compatible enough to reproduce.
"We know how that turned out," Picard-Kirk mutters under his breath.
However, to both Vice Admiral Shran's and Lieutenant Picard-Kirk's shock and horror, the former became pregnant. Upset and fearing for her career, Shran decided to "get rid of" Picard-Kirk. She learned about a very remote starbase in the Large Magellanic Cloud called Starbase LMC-001, and that it was scheduled to undergo a change in personnel. Pulling some strings, Shran was able to get Picard-Kirk the position of first officer. She then promoted Picard-Kirk to lieutenant commander and sent him to the station.
Shran later learned that she was bearing female twins and went off active duty to keep it a secret. Upon the twins' births, Shran simply named them Molly and Polly, without giving them her surname. She then set off to LMC-001 to give them to their father, hoping that no one that far out would recognize her.
Unfortunately, the starbase's crew knew who she was, asking about the twins. Shran thought about lying but decided to tell the truth, swearing them to secrecy. She learned that Picard-Kirk was now "commanding" the base. He was recently promoted to full commander by another Admiral upon the untimely death of the previous commanding officer. Sadly, Picard-Kirk was ineffectual, and it fell to the first and second officers to run the place.
Shran had an idea that would give the starbase's crew extra incentive to keep her secret. She convinced Picard-Kirk to return to Earth with her and go off active duty, so that they could raise their daughters. She did this by promoting him to captain, and promising him that he could have command of the next starship named Enterprise.
"Yeah, and after we got to Earth, she ditched us! La salope!" Picard-Kirk attempts to beat up the Freeman hologram, but his punches just pass right through, "What the—!"
"I disabled my solidity upon my activation in anticipation of this," the Freeman hologram explains. This further enrages Picard-Kirk, prompting him to once again attempt to pummel the hologram. The Freeman hologram sighs and rolls his eyes, "Would it make you feel any better if I said that you are a fairly decent father?"
Picard-Kirk stops and beams, "Do you really think so?"
"Yes, now may I continue?"
Continuing to smile, Picard-Kirk says, "Yes, yes, by all means!"
We now come to the first officer of the Enterprise: Captain William Stephen Decker. He insists that everyone, including lower-ranking officers, address him as "Steve". He was originally meant to be the Enterprise's commanding officer, but we'll get to that.
Steve gives Picard-Kirk the stink eye and leers at him.
In 2273, Steve's ancestor, Captain Willard Decker, merged with V'ger. After the merger, they found themselves in the Delta Quadrant in the vicinity of the homeworld of the machines that built V'ger's ship. V'ger's ship landed, and the machines entered the central chamber, whose recessed center was now raised. Climbing to the top, the machines discovered Decker sitting on a throne. He was fused to the probe via machinery and flesh and was flanked by two female cyborgs. He also held a bladed staff in his right hand with the blade resembling a claw.
Striking the floor with the pommel of his staff, Decker restored to the machines long-lost memories of a prophecy regarding the return of the "king of the cyborgs". The machines kneeled before him, and Decker ordered them to unearth the cyborg king's treasure vault. Upon acquiring the treasure, Decker sent some to his relatives, making them "rich beyond the dreams of avarice". You may be thinking, "What!? I thought that money and material desire didn't exist in the future!" Well, that's what they want you to think!
Afterward, Decker invited his fellow "New Humans"* to the machine planet, where they willingly allowed themselves to be "assimilated" by being transformed into cyborgs. Decker then established the "Borg Collective", using the "claw" on his staff as its emblem. He also proclaimed himself to be the "Borg King". Decker then unleashed a swarm of nanoprobes, including the ones forming his staff. The nanoprobes not part of the staff fused V'ger's ship to the planet and assimilated it, while the nanoprobes forming Decker's staff consumed the remaining machine population of the planet, reforming afterward. With the planet now assimilated, Decker renamed it "Unimatrix Prime".
"Hey! I thought that this was supposed to be my biography!" Steve complains.
"Hush! I'm getting to you!" the Freeman hologram responds.
Where was I? Oh, yes, Steve himself was born on March 4, 3271 on Mars. His parents are Stephen Willard Decker and Catherine Gillian Decker, whose maiden name is Taylor. Yes, not only does Steve descend directly from Commodore Matthew Decker and Willard Decker, but Dr. Gillian Taylor as well. Using their millennium-old fortune, Steve's parents paid Admiral Kurtzman to give their son a captain's commission and command of the Enterprise-AA.
Unfortunately, Picard-Kirk resumed active duty after about 20 years and demanded command of the Enterprise, citing the promise made to him by then-Vice Admiral Shran. Kurtzman had no obligation to honor that promise, but he agreed, despite having been paid to make someone else captain!
"I didn't even get the courtesy of being told!" Steve interjects, "First, I see it on the frakking news, thinking it must be some mistake. Then this jackass waltzes into engineering, all smug with his nose in the air, telling me that he is replacing me! At least I got to keep my rank! Damned bastard!" Steve scowls at Picard-Kirk, who flips him the bird.
Commander Rona Burton (née Chekov) was born on Pluto in the New Antarctica Nudist Colony on January 1, 3270. Rona's mother is T'Mir, a Vulcan descending from Ambassador Spock, while Rona's father is Leon Chekov, a human descending from Starfleet officer Pavel Andreievich Chekov. T'Mir and Leon met on Vulcan while waiting to board a passenger ship, the former heading to Earth for vacation, and the latter heading home to the New Antarctica Nudist Colony on Pluto. They took a liking to each other and disembarked together on Pluto, eventually marrying at the aforementioned nudist colony.
While Ms. Burton was taught about her Vulcan heritage, she was raised to be expressive with her emotions. She is musically-inclined, with her instrument of choice being the banjo, interestingly enough. She also can't hold her liquor and will faint after about two shots of alcohol.
Embarrassed, Rona blushes, smiles, and titters as she looks down, scratching the back of her head.
Ms. Burton's husband, Dr. Larry Christopher Burton, was born on Saturn's moon, Titan, on October 10, 3251 in the region known as Christopher's Landing. He is a childhood friend of Picard-Kirk, who he bonded with over their shared Canadian heritage. Like Dr. Leonard McCoy before him, Dr. Burton is a surgeon with a fear of transporters. Dr. Burton already had an extensive career as a civilian even before joining Starfleet. When asked why he joined, he said that he wanted to "broaden his horizons".
Dr. and Ms. Burton met and fell in love at Starfleet Academy. They married after graduation, and they served together aboard the Enterprise-Z under Captain Ahab. Ms. Burton was a stellar cartography officer and an auxiliary flight controller, and Dr. Burton was the deputy chief medical officer.
Most of the Enterprise-Z's crew, including them, were transferred to the Enterprise-AA after the former's decommissioning. Ms. Burton became the first officer and chief science officer, and Dr. Burton became the chief medical officer.
"Yeah, first officer, until I learned from Steve that Josh took over command, which knocked me down to second officer! Gee thanks, Josh!" Rona sticks her tongue out at Picard-Kirk, but he just ignores her, "At least it didn't affect Larry!"
Angel Island is a floating island on Earth, kept aloft by anti-gravity devices. Living on this once-uninhabited and formerly seaborne isle is holographer Dr. Chris Thorndyke, who installed the devices himself via clever use of industrial replicators and transporters. He named the island after its fictional floating counterpart that first appeared in the video game, Sonic the Hedgehog 3. It is here that he created five sentient holograms of Sonic the Hedgehog characters.
These holograms were of the eponymous anthropomorphic hedgehog, Sonic, Dr. Ivo "Eggman" Robotnik, Miles "Tails" Prower, Amy Rose, and Knuckles the Echidna. They were all activated on June 23, 3281, the 1290th anniversary of the original Sonic the Hedgehog video game. The holograms are equipped with "mobile emitters", which allow them to occupy areas that they otherwise couldn't.
While visiting New Earth Spacedock, Sonic was enraptured by the immense scale of the spherical space station, and the prospect of space exploration by all the many starships occupying it. He eventually joined Starfleet and graduated from Starfleet Academy. He started out as a security officer on New Earth Spacedock, eventually becoming chief of security.
Upon his promotion to lieutenant commander, Sonic was offered starship duty, something for which he longed. The starship in question was the Enterprise-AA, where he accepted the dual positions of chief of security and tactical officer. (Although, considering who would become the commanding officer, Sonic may come to regret his decision.)
Monique Evette La Forge (née Biggs) is an ancestor of Geordi La Forge. She was born on July 7, 1970 in the town of Williamston, North Carolina in the old United States of America. On her 40th birthday, while on her way to her birthday party, she was transported to July 7, 3300 via unknown means. Kurtzman assumed that since she was Geordi La Forge's ancestor, that she would make "one hell of a chief engineer", assigning her to be the Enterprise's chief engineer as an acting lieutenant commander.
A descendant of Harriet Tubman, Lieutenant Henrietta Annie Clarabel Tubman was born on Earth in Ghana, Africa on February 2, 3266. She has a short attention span and tends to have her head in the clouds most of the time. Regardless, she graduated from Starfleet Academy and was assigned to the Enterprise as communications officer. However, she seems to be more interested in listening to music via her portable music player than doing her job.
Tubman also suffers from wormholephobia (wurm-hohl-uh-foh-bee-uh), which as the name implies, is a deathly fear of wormholes. Tubman has to take anxiety medicine because of it, but she is non-compliant, not taking her medication as instructed, so she is prone to panic attacks that require her to be sedated.
"Hey—! Did you have to bring that up!?" Tubman complains.
With that, we reach the end of this program. Now it is time for the brave and gallant—ahem—crew of the Enterprise to prepare to intercept the so-called "Barbie Nebula" that, using its "lightning balls" or whatnot, disintegrated the U.S.S. Fred Rogers, the U.S.S. Barney the Dinosaur, and the Zeta X station. Therefore, it is this hologram's opinion that Picard-Kirk and friends should get to the bridge and get cracking. This is Morgan Freeman, signing out.
The Morgan Freeman hologram disappears, and everyone leaves.
Like the Death Star, New Earth Spacedock has an equatorial indentation or "trench" wrapping around the sphere. However, it also has two polar trenches, which intersect with the equatorial one. This makes each side resemble the astronomical symbol of Earth. The trenches separate the sphere into eight octants, and they hold the spacedoors for larger vessels and various docking bays for smaller vessels. The trenches are ten kilometers (~6.21 miles) in width and half that in depth.
The newly-promoted Rear Admiral, Lower Half Joshua Picard-Kirk beams into one of the station's many transporter rooms. He steps off the transporter pad to be greeted by Monique Evette La Forge.
"Hello, Admiral."
Picard-Kirk squints at Monique incredulously, "So, you are the chief engineer, eh? What do you know about engineering?"
"I once built a lighted dollhouse for one of my young'uns. I tell you, wiring that thing was a bitch!" she answers.
"I see. Anyway, why aren't the Enterprise's transporters operating?"
"Well, actually, they are working, sir, but as this is a parody of Star Trek: The Motion Picture—"
"Shh! Ix-nay on eaking-bray the ourth-fay all-way!" Picard-Kirk says in Pig Latin.
"Fay Wray in a hallway? What?"
"Bah! Never mind!" Picard-Kirk makes a dismissive hand gesture, and they walk out of the transporter room onto the promenade.
As they walk, they hear someone shout, "Hey! Wait up!" It is a hologram of Sonic the Hedgehog from the eponymous series of video games, wearing a mobile emitter. He holds a brown paper bag. Picard-Kirk and La Forge stop walking.
"Is that Sonic the Hedgehog?" La Forge wonders.
"Who?" Picard-Kirk wonders.
"Thanks," Sonic says as he approaches them.
La Forge, fascinated, starts touching him, "Wow, you feel so real."
"Hey, knock it off! Personal space, please!"
La Forge stops, "I apologize. It's just that I used to play your games. You see, I am from the twenty-first century. I am—um—temporarily despondent."
"You mean temporally displaced?"
"I think so."
"Pardon, but will you identify yourself š'il vous plaît?" Picard-Kirk interjects.
"Oh, sorry, sir. I am Lieutenant Commander Sonic the Hedgehog, chief of security and tactical officer of the starship Enterprise. Are you Admiral Picard-Kirk?"
"I am," Picard-Kirk then notices Sonic's mobile emitter, "So, you are a hologram? Forgive me, but what are you supposed to represent exactly?"
"I am based on a fictional video game character created in the late twentieth century. He and his first game are called 'Sonic the Hedgehog'. He is supposedly able to run faster than the speed of sound, hence his name. My creator, my father, is Doctor Chris Thorndyke."
"Like from Sonic X?" La Forge asks.
"Uh, yes, anyway, I am not the only 'Sonic' character he created; one of my 'siblings' is a hologram of Doctor Ivo 'Eggman' Robotnik. In fact, he was the original designer of the Enterprise—and the original project director—until he left . . ." Sonic looks down with embarrassment.
"Ahem," Picard-Kirk clears his throat, snapping Sonic from his reverie. "Uh—er—you know—that's a discussion for another time!" They begin walking again.
"So, Commander Sonic, I trust that you are prepared for your duties as chief of security and tactical officer."
"Yes, Admiral—wait, I saw you on the news with the new chief of Starfleet operations. What's his name—Admiral Kurtzman? I could've sworn that Captain Decker was supposed to be commanding the Enterprise."
"Let's just say that I pulled some strings. Why aren't you already aboard?"
"Captain Decker requested that I pick up some groceries for him," Sonic emphasizes the brown paper bag in his hands.
"Groceries? In the thirty-fourth century? Is this not what replicators are for?"
"Captain Decker claims that replicated food tastes 'rubbery' or something," Sonic clarifies, only for Picard-Kirk to roll his eyes.
"New Earth Spacedock Shuttle 47, Ilia, is ready to depart for Enterprise," a voice announces over the intercom, and a trail of holographic arrows appear to mark the way.
"That's us, I guess," Picard-Kirk says, and the trio head for the shuttlebay.
Parked in a specially-built drydock, resembling the skeleton of a giant sea creature, is Picard-Kirk's first starship command: U.S.S. Enterprise NCC-1701-AA, the successor to the Picard-class Enterprise-Z. The Enterprise-AA is the first of the Enterprise class and the third Suprederation starship (29th overall), to bear the illustrious name.
The ship has four hyperwarp nacelles and dimensions of 12,000 meters (~39,370.08 feet) by 9,000 meters (~29,527.56 feet) by 6,000 meters (~19,685.04 feet), making her the largest starship that the Suprederation has ever built. Hers is also likely to remain a sui generis design.
The shuttle Ilia lands in the Enterprise-AA's shuttlebay. As the trio disembark the shuttle, they are spotted by Picard-Kirk's twin daughters, Molly and Polly. They both wear green uniforms, are bald with pink skin, have a cartilaginous ridge bifurcating their blue-eyed faces, and have antennae on their heads.
"Dad!?" they blurt.
"Dad?" Sonic and Monique look at Picard-Kirk, surprised.
"Molly? Polly? What are you doing here?"
"Molly speaks first, Well, I am the ship's flight controller—"
"—and I am a transporter chief," Polly finishes, "What are you doing here?" they then ask.
"I am here to take command of the Enterprise. Did you not see the broadcast of the one-hundred-fortieth anniversary celebration? Admiral Kurtzman promoted me to Rear Admiral, Lower Half and gave me command of the Enterprise."
Molly and Polly look at each other, "But, we already have a commanding officer: Captain Decker," the former speaks.
"Does he not know—? Where is he now?" Picard-Kirk wonders.
"Engineering," Polly answers, and Picard-Kirk leaves. Sonic and Monique follow him.
After they are out of earshot, the twins say to each other, "Captain Decker's going to be pissed!"
Later, Picard-Kirk and his senior staff, sans Dr. Larry Burton, gather inside the Enterprise's holomatrix. Commander La Forge is the first to speak.
"Hey, Admiral, why are we on the holodeck again?"
"Holomatrix, Commander, holomatrix," Picard-Kirk corrects her.
"What's the difference? They do the same thing: simulate holographic environments."
Captain William Stephen Decker says, "'Holomatrix' sounds more futuristic," Monique just rolls her eyes in response.
"Yeah, whatever. Anyway, Computer, initiate the Emergency Narration Hologram," Picard-Kirk orders.
A hologram of American actor Morgan Freeman appears.
"Please state the nature of the narrative emergency," the Freeman hologram requests.
"Oh, wow! It's Morgan Freeman!" Monique enthuses.
"Greetings, Mr. Freeman, please recite our biographies for our readers."
"Very well," the Freeman hologram responds, clearing his throat.
Greetings, I am Morgan Freeman, or at least, I am a hologram of his likeness. First, we will begin with the tale of Rear Admiral, Lower Half Joshua Picard-Kirk. He was born on Earth in Marseille, France on September 8, 3256. His parents are Sophie Picard-Kirk, a Frenchwoman, and Robert Picard-Kirk, a Canadian man. Picard-Kirk does not have a middle name, and as his surname implies, he descends directly from legendary Enterprise captains James Tiberius Kirk and Jean-Luc Picard.
Molly and Polly Picard-Kirk are his twin daughters. The former is the Enterprise's flight controller, and the latter is one of the Enterprise's transporter chiefs. They were born on May 21, 3278 to now-retired Admiral Twi'lek Shran, a half-Andorian, half-Bolian woman. She was and still is one of Starfleet's most highly-decorated officers, and serving with her under any capacity was considered a great honor at the time.
Back when Shran was a vice admiral, her aide was Joshua Picard-Kirk, who didn't even know who she was! Picard-Kirk had recently graduated from Starfleet Academy at full lieutenant—somehow. (Everyone knows, of course, that it was because of his ancestry, and that he was banging his female instructors.)
Shran picked Picard-Kirk—by name—to be her personal aide. That she picked him of all people baffled and infuriated her admirers. While Shran ostensibly picked Picard-Kirk for his academic standing, she actually overheard that he was a "fertility god" during her visits to the academy. To put it succinctly, Picard-Kirk and Shran "got biblical", so to speak. They also forewent contraception, as they didn't think that they were biologically compatible enough to reproduce.
"We know how that turned out," Picard-Kirk mutters under his breath.
However, to both Vice Admiral Shran's and Lieutenant Picard-Kirk's shock and horror, the former became pregnant. Upset and fearing for her career, Shran decided to "get rid of" Picard-Kirk. She learned about a very remote starbase in the Large Magellanic Cloud called Starbase LMC-001, and that it was scheduled to undergo a change in personnel. Pulling some strings, Shran was able to get Picard-Kirk the position of first officer. She then promoted Picard-Kirk to lieutenant commander and sent him to the station.
Shran later learned that she was bearing female twins and went off active duty to keep it a secret. Upon the twins' births, Shran simply named them Molly and Polly, without giving them her surname. She then set off to LMC-001 to give them to their father, hoping that no one that far out would recognize her.
Unfortunately, the starbase's crew knew who she was, asking about the twins. Shran thought about lying but decided to tell the truth, swearing them to secrecy. She learned that Picard-Kirk was now "commanding" the base. He was recently promoted to full commander by another Admiral upon the untimely death of the previous commanding officer. Sadly, Picard-Kirk was ineffectual, and it fell to the first and second officers to run the place.
Shran had an idea that would give the starbase's crew extra incentive to keep her secret. She convinced Picard-Kirk to return to Earth with her and go off active duty, so that they could raise their daughters. She did this by promoting him to captain, and promising him that he could have command of the next starship named Enterprise.
"Yeah, and after we got to Earth, she ditched us! La salope!" Picard-Kirk attempts to beat up the Freeman hologram, but his punches just pass right through, "What the—!"
"I disabled my solidity upon my activation in anticipation of this," the Freeman hologram explains. This further enrages Picard-Kirk, prompting him to once again attempt to pummel the hologram. The Freeman hologram sighs and rolls his eyes, "Would it make you feel any better if I said that you are a fairly decent father?"
Picard-Kirk stops and beams, "Do you really think so?"
"Yes, now may I continue?"
Continuing to smile, Picard-Kirk says, "Yes, yes, by all means!"
We now come to the first officer of the Enterprise: Captain William Stephen Decker. He insists that everyone, including lower-ranking officers, address him as "Steve". He was originally meant to be the Enterprise's commanding officer, but we'll get to that.
Steve gives Picard-Kirk the stink eye and leers at him.
In 2273, Steve's ancestor, Captain Willard Decker, merged with V'ger. After the merger, they found themselves in the Delta Quadrant in the vicinity of the homeworld of the machines that built V'ger's ship. V'ger's ship landed, and the machines entered the central chamber, whose recessed center was now raised. Climbing to the top, the machines discovered Decker sitting on a throne. He was fused to the probe via machinery and flesh and was flanked by two female cyborgs. He also held a bladed staff in his right hand with the blade resembling a claw.
Striking the floor with the pommel of his staff, Decker restored to the machines long-lost memories of a prophecy regarding the return of the "king of the cyborgs". The machines kneeled before him, and Decker ordered them to unearth the cyborg king's treasure vault. Upon acquiring the treasure, Decker sent some to his relatives, making them "rich beyond the dreams of avarice". You may be thinking, "What!? I thought that money and material desire didn't exist in the future!" Well, that's what they want you to think!
Afterward, Decker invited his fellow "New Humans"* to the machine planet, where they willingly allowed themselves to be "assimilated" by being transformed into cyborgs. Decker then established the "Borg Collective", using the "claw" on his staff as its emblem. He also proclaimed himself to be the "Borg King". Decker then unleashed a swarm of nanoprobes, including the ones forming his staff. The nanoprobes not part of the staff fused V'ger's ship to the planet and assimilated it, while the nanoprobes forming Decker's staff consumed the remaining machine population of the planet, reforming afterward. With the planet now assimilated, Decker renamed it "Unimatrix Prime".
"Hey! I thought that this was supposed to be my biography!" Steve complains.
"Hush! I'm getting to you!" the Freeman hologram responds.
Where was I? Oh, yes, Steve himself was born on March 4, 3271 on Mars. His parents are Stephen Willard Decker and Catherine Gillian Decker, whose maiden name is Taylor. Yes, not only does Steve descend directly from Commodore Matthew Decker and Willard Decker, but Dr. Gillian Taylor as well. Using their millennium-old fortune, Steve's parents paid Admiral Kurtzman to give their son a captain's commission and command of the Enterprise-AA.
Unfortunately, Picard-Kirk resumed active duty after about 20 years and demanded command of the Enterprise, citing the promise made to him by then-Vice Admiral Shran. Kurtzman had no obligation to honor that promise, but he agreed, despite having been paid to make someone else captain!
"I didn't even get the courtesy of being told!" Steve interjects, "First, I see it on the frakking news, thinking it must be some mistake. Then this jackass waltzes into engineering, all smug with his nose in the air, telling me that he is replacing me! At least I got to keep my rank! Damned bastard!" Steve scowls at Picard-Kirk, who flips him the bird.
Commander Rona Burton (née Chekov) was born on Pluto in the New Antarctica Nudist Colony on January 1, 3270. Rona's mother is T'Mir, a Vulcan descending from Ambassador Spock, while Rona's father is Leon Chekov, a human descending from Starfleet officer Pavel Andreievich Chekov. T'Mir and Leon met on Vulcan while waiting to board a passenger ship, the former heading to Earth for vacation, and the latter heading home to the New Antarctica Nudist Colony on Pluto. They took a liking to each other and disembarked together on Pluto, eventually marrying at the aforementioned nudist colony.
While Ms. Burton was taught about her Vulcan heritage, she was raised to be expressive with her emotions. She is musically-inclined, with her instrument of choice being the banjo, interestingly enough. She also can't hold her liquor and will faint after about two shots of alcohol.
Embarrassed, Rona blushes, smiles, and titters as she looks down, scratching the back of her head.
Ms. Burton's husband, Dr. Larry Christopher Burton, was born on Saturn's moon, Titan, on October 10, 3251 in the region known as Christopher's Landing. He is a childhood friend of Picard-Kirk, who he bonded with over their shared Canadian heritage. Like Dr. Leonard McCoy before him, Dr. Burton is a surgeon with a fear of transporters. Dr. Burton already had an extensive career as a civilian even before joining Starfleet. When asked why he joined, he said that he wanted to "broaden his horizons".
Dr. and Ms. Burton met and fell in love at Starfleet Academy. They married after graduation, and they served together aboard the Enterprise-Z under Captain Ahab. Ms. Burton was a stellar cartography officer and an auxiliary flight controller, and Dr. Burton was the deputy chief medical officer.
Most of the Enterprise-Z's crew, including them, were transferred to the Enterprise-AA after the former's decommissioning. Ms. Burton became the first officer and chief science officer, and Dr. Burton became the chief medical officer.
"Yeah, first officer, until I learned from Steve that Josh took over command, which knocked me down to second officer! Gee thanks, Josh!" Rona sticks her tongue out at Picard-Kirk, but he just ignores her, "At least it didn't affect Larry!"
Angel Island is a floating island on Earth, kept aloft by anti-gravity devices. Living on this once-uninhabited and formerly seaborne isle is holographer Dr. Chris Thorndyke, who installed the devices himself via clever use of industrial replicators and transporters. He named the island after its fictional floating counterpart that first appeared in the video game, Sonic the Hedgehog 3. It is here that he created five sentient holograms of Sonic the Hedgehog characters.
These holograms were of the eponymous anthropomorphic hedgehog, Sonic, Dr. Ivo "Eggman" Robotnik, Miles "Tails" Prower, Amy Rose, and Knuckles the Echidna. They were all activated on June 23, 3281, the 1290th anniversary of the original Sonic the Hedgehog video game. The holograms are equipped with "mobile emitters", which allow them to occupy areas that they otherwise couldn't.
While visiting New Earth Spacedock, Sonic was enraptured by the immense scale of the spherical space station, and the prospect of space exploration by all the many starships occupying it. He eventually joined Starfleet and graduated from Starfleet Academy. He started out as a security officer on New Earth Spacedock, eventually becoming chief of security.
Upon his promotion to lieutenant commander, Sonic was offered starship duty, something for which he longed. The starship in question was the Enterprise-AA, where he accepted the dual positions of chief of security and tactical officer. (Although, considering who would become the commanding officer, Sonic may come to regret his decision.)
Monique Evette La Forge (née Biggs) is an ancestor of Geordi La Forge. She was born on July 7, 1970 in the town of Williamston, North Carolina in the old United States of America. On her 40th birthday, while on her way to her birthday party, she was transported to July 7, 3300 via unknown means. Kurtzman assumed that since she was Geordi La Forge's ancestor, that she would make "one hell of a chief engineer", assigning her to be the Enterprise's chief engineer as an acting lieutenant commander.
A descendant of Harriet Tubman, Lieutenant Henrietta Annie Clarabel Tubman was born on Earth in Ghana, Africa on February 2, 3266. She has a short attention span and tends to have her head in the clouds most of the time. Regardless, she graduated from Starfleet Academy and was assigned to the Enterprise as communications officer. However, she seems to be more interested in listening to music via her portable music player than doing her job.
Tubman also suffers from wormholephobia (wurm-hohl-uh-foh-bee-uh), which as the name implies, is a deathly fear of wormholes. Tubman has to take anxiety medicine because of it, but she is non-compliant, not taking her medication as instructed, so she is prone to panic attacks that require her to be sedated.
"Hey—! Did you have to bring that up!?" Tubman complains.
With that, we reach the end of this program. Now it is time for the brave and gallant—ahem—crew of the Enterprise to prepare to intercept the so-called "Barbie Nebula" that, using its "lightning balls" or whatnot, disintegrated the U.S.S. Fred Rogers, the U.S.S. Barney the Dinosaur, and the Zeta X station. Therefore, it is this hologram's opinion that Picard-Kirk and friends should get to the bridge and get cracking. This is Morgan Freeman, signing out.
The Morgan Freeman hologram disappears, and everyone leaves.
* Concept from the novelization of Star Trek: The Motion Picture
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