FicWad

Unlike traditional starships, the Enterprise's bridge is located within the ship. Picard-Kirk sits in the command chair and Decker sits in the first officer's chair to Picard-Kirk's right. Decker is sulking with his arms crossed. Both chairs sit in front of the tactical console, which sits before a staircase, at the top of which is a door. Flanking the left side of the staircase when descending it is Rona's science console, the settings of which she is customizing. She is also muttering obscenities under her breath.

At the front of the bridge is the viewscreen, before which is Molly Picard-Kirk's helm and navigation console, which sits in front of the command chair and first officer's chair. Tubman listens to her portable music player with earphones at her console, which is on the opposite side of the staircase from Rona's.

Sonic enters the bridge from the door atop the staircase and approaches the tactical console, "Seems that I am a bit too short for this console," he observes.

"Do you need a step-stool?" Rona wonders.

"Nah, I got this," Sonic responds, pushing some buttons on his mobile emitter. His legs extend, making him taller, "And there we go!"

Molly, who was watching, then asks, "Hey, can you do that for any part of your anatomy?"

Sonic smiles and flexes his eyebrows mischievously, "Maybe," and a chill shoots up Molly's spine.

Picard-Kirk looks at them with an expression of disgust. Tubman's console then beeps, but she does not hear it. The beeping prompts Rona to raise her hands to her ears, as they are somewhat sensitive to high-pitched noises.

"Excuse me, Ms. Tubman, are you going to answer that?" Picard-Kirk asks, but Tubman continues to bob her head and tap her feet, oblivious to the question.

"Ms. Tubman!" Picard-Kirk raises his voice. Hearing him, Tubman removes her earphones and looks at Picard-Kirk with a disinterested expression.

"Your console is beeping."

Tubman pushes a button on her console without turning to face it, then reinserts her earphones. Polly's voice comes over the intercom, "Hey, this is Polly."

"What is it, Polly?" Picard-Kirk inquires.

"Larry won't beam over because of his transporter phobia."

Picard-Kirk sighs, "I'm going down there."

"Yeah, well, don't let the door hit you on the way out!" Decker remarks contemptuously.

Picard-Kirk gives Decker the stink eye as he leaves the bridge.


Picard-Kirk enters the transporter room and heads to the transporter console.

"Hiya, Dad!" Polly bares her teeth as she smiles. On her console is a framed photograph; the photo is of Molly, Polly, and Picard-Kirk on a fishing trip. In the picture, Molly holds her trophy, a large fish.

"Hey, there, Polly," Picard-Kirk greets and presses a button on the transporter console, "Larry, get your ass on the transporter pad, and beam over here!"

Larry's voice comes over the intercom, "Oh, no! I ain't gonna be what Starfleet 'got back' that 'didn't live long'!"

"We're not parodying that part! Besides, I need you—badly! That and Rona is aboard. You do want to be with your wife, don't you?"

"Oh, all right!" Larry responds.

"Energize," Picard-Kirk orders.

Polly operates the transporter console, beaming Dr. Larry Burton to the ship. The top of his head is bald, with the remaining hair being long, dirty blonde, and unkempt. His beard is red and is equally unkempt; however, it is also long enough to touch the transporter pad.

Picard-Kirk's jaw drops, "Jeez man, do you not shave!?"

"Damn it, Josh! I am a doctor, not a barber!"


A wine bottle tumbles end over end through space à la Star Trek Generations. It eventually smashes against the hull, christening the Enterprise-AA.

The recently-retired Captain Ahab of the recently-decommissioned Picard-class U.S.S. Enterprise NCC-1701-Z enters the bridge of his ship's successor. He resembles Patrick Stewart's version of Captain Ahab from the 1998 American television miniseries adaptation of Moby Dick, even wearing the same clothing.

Norz, a Bandi female from Deneb IV, is a reporter for the Suprederation Intergalactic News or "SIN". She has long, stringy and unruly hair, and she immediately shoves something that vaguely resembles a Nintendo Game Boy in Captain Ahab's face as soon as he enters. Norz is also a descendant of, and bears a striking resemblance to, Groppler Zorn from the Star Trek: The Next Generation pilot episode "Encounter at Farpoint".

"How does it feel to be back on the Enterprise's bridge!?" Norz queries Ahab.

"Go away! And do something with your hair!" Ahab tells Norz, pushing past her.

"Avast ye damned gossip gluttons! You'll have plenty of time for questions later! Ah, Captain Ahab, I am honored to finally meet you," Picard-Kirk says.

"The honor is all yours, Admiral. It boggles my mind that, of all people, Admiral Kurtzman would promote you and place you in command of the Enterprise."

Decker chimes in, "Pardon me, Captain, but lest we forget, I was originally going to command this boat."

Ahab looks Decker over, responding, "You're no better than he is!"

Picard-Kirk and Decker look at each other. They are most upset with Ahab but force themselves to smile, simultaneously asking through clenched teeth, "Would you care to take your seat?" Ahab then sits at the unoccupied engineering console.

"All right, folks, here is the rundown. We are going as far out as Pluto and then returning you to Earth. Then we intercept the 'Barbie Nebula'. Any questions?" Picard-Kirk asks.

A little girl raises her hand.

"Why is there a kid here?" Picard-Kirk wonders.

A male reporter responds, "That's my daughter. I decided to bring her with me today."

"Oh, well, what's your question?" Picard-Kirk asks the little girl.

"Wasn't Pluto eaten by the Borg back in the twenty-fourth century or something?"

"That's a piece of very imaginative historical fiction. Pluto's still out there, safe and sound. Any more questions? All right then, Captain Ahab, it would honor me if you gave the order to get underway," Picard-Kirk says sardonically.

Captain Ahab stands up, adjusts his uniform, makes the obscene gesture known as the bras d'honneur toward Picard-Kirk, and clears his throat, "Get this damn boat moving!"

The bridge erupts into applause. Picard-Kirk sits in his command chair. He rocks the chair slightly, wincing as it squeakss. Larry comes to his side.

"What's wrong, Josh?" Larry asks.

"I miss my old lounge chair," Picard-Kirk laments, "Oh, well. Molly, you heard Captain Ahab."

"Yes, sir," Molly presses a few buttons, and the reaction control thrusters of the Enterprise-AA fire. The Enterprise slowly creeps out of the drydock. Once the Enterprise clears it, Molly says, "Ready for hyper-impulse on your command, sir."

"Let's stretch her legs, Lieutenant! Full hyper-impulse!" Captain Ahab orders.

Molly complies with the order, but then she gets a text message on her console, which distracts her. New Earth Spacedock grows ever larger on the viewscreen, as the Enterprise heads straight for it!

"Molly! Get your face out of your console before our maiden voyage ends prematurely!" Picard-Kirk yells.

"Huh? Oh!" Molly looks up and gasps, as her eyes widen in shock. She adjusts course and attempts to slow the ship, but it's not enough.

"All hands, brace for impact!" Ahab yells over the intercom. Everyone braces themselves. The reporter grabs and holds his daughter tightly, as they both close their eyes.

"Hold on, sweetie!" he says.


The side of the Enterprise's port hyperwarp nacelle impacts New Earth Spacedock, losing the registry number painted on it, as it scrapes the giant sphere's hull. The blue glow of the hyperwarp field grilles on the upward- and downward-facing sides of the nacelle, and the pink glow of the triangular Bussard collector ahead of them, flicker. Periwinkle hull plates from the nacelle and New Earth Spacedock break off and float away, and light from electrical sparks strobes within the damaged areas. To make matters worse, some of the windows on the starbase at the point of impact break, leading a few poor souls to their doom.


Quaking can be felt throughout the ship; it stops after the Enterprise pulls away from New Earth Spacedock and comes to a halt. The reporter and his daughter open their eyes.

"Is it over, Daddy?"

"Yes," he says, "Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to bring you with me today, honey."


At the drydock, a group of dockworkers in spacesuits have their hands on their respective helmets, their faces expressing combinations of disbelief, horror, and outrage.

We just finished painting the damned thing!" one of the male workers shouts.

A female worker then wonders, "Couldn't we have just used programmable matter?"

"Nah, it became sentient and demanded to be settled on the planet with those sentient nanites that Wesley Crusher created," another male worker responds.


On the Enterprise, Lieutenant Tubman, a bit shaken up, hears her console beep. She checks it, reporting, "Um-uh, sir, we're being hailed by the commander of New Earth Spacedock."

"Er—on screen," Picard-Kirk orders; the portly commander of New Earth Spacedock, Commander Jim Starling, then appears on the viewscreen, his face red with anger.

"What the bloody hell!? Could you not see this gigantic, spherical hunk of metal before you collided with it!? Is your viewscreen broken, or are you just plain blind!?" Starling shouts.

"I apologize, Commander. It won't happen again; I assure you."

"See that it doesn't! What Admiral bloody Kurtzman was thinking when he promoted your arse is beyond me! New Earth Spacedock out!"

After a moment of awkward silence, Picard-Kirk orders quietly, "Proceed to Pluto at full hyper-impulse, Molly."

"Aye, sir," Molly says sheepishly in embarrassment.


Captain's personal log, after nearly buying the farm because of some distracted driving and royally pissing off the commander of New Earth Spacedock, the Enterprise heads for Pluto at full hyper-impulse. Our guest of honor has just finished a tour of the ship and remains silent at the unoccupied engineering console. Most of the reporters continue to ask inane questions.

However, there is one reporter who has asked very few questions, as he and his daughter are still recovering from the shock of our impact with New Earth Spacedock. The SIN reporter, that Bandi woman with the bad hair, is on my shitlist, though. I will be very glad when we get back to New Earth Spacedock, so that I may dump her and these other annoying schmucks (except that one reporter and his daughter, they're okay) off my ship, especially Captain Ahab, the bastard!


Later . . .

Captain's personal log, supplemental, we went around Pluto, and besides Rona calling her parents, nothing really exciting happened. Anyway, we are now back at New Earth Spacedock. Unfortunately, we learned that our impact with Spacedock resulted in some senseless deaths. Engineering also reports that said impact damaged the hyperwarp coils in the port hyperwarp nacelle. But we don't have time to have it repaired, so it has been taken offline. That leaves us with only the dorsal, ventral, and starboard hyperwarp nacelles. Well, you know what they say, "Three hyperwarp nacelles are better than two."