Categories > Cartoons > American Dad

Dan Vs American Dad

by PickleGarden 0 reviews

Chris and Elise tell Dan to get away for a while. Then Dan ends up in Langley Falls.....

Category: American Dad - Rating: PG-13 - Genres: Angst - Warnings: [V] - Published: 2022-12-01 - 4265 words - Complete

Since I wrote a crossover fanfic about Dan meeting Family Guy, now I shall write one where Dan meets American Dad! Enjoy!

At the apartment complex. Preferably at Chris's and Elise's. Dan gets kicked out their door. "We've had it with you, Dan!" said Elise. Chris finally standing his ground with Dan tells him, "Every other day it's always you wanting to get revenge on someone who wronged you!"

"But, that telemarketer was trying to scam you guys!" Dan defends himself. "Save your excuses for another time!" Elise tells Dan straight out. "Because of what you did, you nearly destroyed my whole land line!" said Chris.

"But you guys need me! What're you guys going to do if someone fucks around with one of you?" Dan asked. "You're not trying to watch out for us!" Chris said. "You're really watching out for yourself." Elise adds on.

"When can I come back?" asked Dan. "As soon as you get a hold of yourself and knock all this revenge shit off!" Chris tells Dan. "Why don't you go on a trip somewhere? Rejuvenate yourself. Then come back when you finally decide to relax!" Elise says. Chris and Elise go back into their apartment and shut the door in Dan's face.

"But..but..what...about...forget it." Dan sighs. Walking down the streets of LA, Dan contemplates whether or not he should get away. "Maybe they're right. Perhaps it's time I do take a trip." Dan thinks out loud to himself.

Luck was on Dan's side and he saw a jet ready for takeoff. "To hell with Chris and Elise. Who needs them anyway?" recanted Dan who is now going to sneak aboard a jet, what he didn't know is, that jet belonged to the CIA.

Dan was now inside the CIA jet. "This is awesome! Just like the movie Stowaway!" says Dan. Deputy Director Avery Bullock and novice CIA Agent Stan Smith were boarding the CIA Jet. "Wow, Bullock! This mission was one of the best!" Stan implies. "You know it, Smith. Who knew that the staff at Harvey Mudd had their own terrorist training camp?" Bullock concedes. "This war with terrorism will never end!" Stan says.

"Indeed it won't, that's what keeps the CIA in business!" said Bullock! "Like Bill Murray in Stripes! That's A Fact Jack!" Stan cracks up!

The CIA Jet was going to lift off. Agent Jackson was flying the Jet back to Langley Falls. Dan saw that there were CIA agents on the jet. He hid himself in a newspaper. Stan soon spots Dan.

"Hey, Bullock, where did that guy come from?" Stan asked. "Oh don't worry about it, probably one of Jackson's cousins." Bullock said. "Well, it doesn't look right to me. So don't mind me if I check that guy out." Stan tells Bullock.

"Knock yourself out Smith." Bullock says, then he takes a better look, "Smith! You should go check that man out. He's wearing jeans! Nobody in the CIA wears jeans!" Stan walks up to Dan who's hidden behind the newspaper. "Uh, excuse me, sir. Why are you on this jet?" Stan asks.

"I just came on okay?" Dan said trying to be sensible. "Well sneaking aboard a Government Jet is highly unacceptable." Stan said. "Leave me alone, go away. SCAT! My friends kicked me out." Dan informs him.

"That gives you no excuse to come into a Jet as you please." Stan says. "I don't even care." Dan responded. "Smith! Try to get his ID and see if he's a threat." Bullock advises Stan.

"Good thinking sir. May I see some ID please?" Stan asked. Dan gives him is ID, "See? I'm of no threat!" Dan said. "Huh, Dan Mandel. Doesn't look Mid Eastern at least. Or anything beyond the realms of a Box CUtter. Anyway, I demand to know why you're here when you can just go on a commercial airline!" Stan begins to question.

"I hate commercial airlines, okay? They're too God Damn expensive." said Dan. "Listen sir. I need you to calm down, okay. I just want to ask some more questions." Stan says who then rips the newspaper away from Dan.

"Is this an interrogation?" Dan spoke out. "Well that's entirely up to you. I can tell you're getting revved up so I must tell you once again to calm down!" Stan tells Dan.

"I am calm! I'm the calmest I've ever been!" Dan said. "I know what's going on with you! I can smell mental disorders from a mile away. You're experiencing airplane rage!" Stan sneers at Dan.

"Airplane rage? Is that even a thing? Mental disorder?! Who the hell do you think I am, Bradley Cooper in Silver Linings Playbook?." Dan says still trying to keep his cool. Jackson announces, "We'll be landing in Langley Falls shortly." "By the way, who the hell do you think you are!" Dan comes face to face with Stan.

"I'll have you know I am Stan Smith of the CIA! What you have done is illegal. However I am willing to let you off scott free for a price!"

After a while, when the Jet lands in Langley Falls, Stan kicks Dan out of the Jet then tells a joke, "Next time be like Jodie Foster and get a Flight Plan!" "Well done Smith! You really handled it remarkably!" Bullock congratulates him.

After getting kicked off the jet, Dan feels his blood boil from within. His face begins to turn red. As he watches Stan, Bullock and Jackson enter the CIA Building laughing all happily. Dan rises his fists in the air. Screams into the sky. Then does his signature cry for blood when he wants revenge on someone.


A Title Card Reads: Dan Vs American Dad

Dan hides away in the trees away from the CIA Building. Stan, Bullock, and Jackson all go home for the day. "I will track down this Stan Smith and hand his ass to him like a sandwich!" Dan says making a vow.

Going inside the Smith Family SUV, Dan sneaks under the SUV without Stan's knowledge. "All right! Another successful mission with the CIA! Francine is planning a Family Picnic! Gotta be home for that!" Stan talks to himself. As Stan was driving he passed the Langley Falls State Park. "I was the one who was going to pick the place for our upcoming event. Stan says to himself once more.

Deciding not to follow Stan home, Dan, decides to wait for him at the Langley Falls State Park. Rolling off the end of the SUV, Dan somersaults his way to the State Park for the impending picnic. "Not even worth the salt in my shit to follow this asshole home!" Dan says to himself. Nightfall comes and Dan falls asleep in the park.

Parking his SUV into the Smith Family driveway, Stan announces himself that he is home, "Francine! I'm back from the mission!" "Stan!" Francine said with happiness as she kissed her husband on the cheek. "So how was the mission?" asked Francine.

"We had to take down this terrorist disguised as a college professor at Harvey Mudd!" Stan tells his wife.

"Harvey Mudd? Dude, if I were college material that's the type of school I want to go to!" Jeff implies. "Maybe one day we'll go there just to have fun!" Hayley promised.

"So Dad, did you decide where we're going to have our Family Picnic?" asked Steve. "I was driving by it on the way home. We're going to Langley Falls State Park!" Stan tells his family.

"Wonderful! Well, I got almost everything ready for it." said Francine carrying some tupperware bowls of potato salad. "I see you made your famous potato salad, like that time Stan wanted to be Deacon!" Klaus observes.

"Anyone seen Roger?" asked Stan. "He's upstairs in the attic. Oh I forgot to tell you that he's going through his 'reproductive' phase again." Francine replies. "Gosh I hate when Roger goes through that!" Steve implies. "We know, don't start to ramble on about it like you always do." Hayley tells her brother recalling the time Steve got 'pregnant' by Roger.

"Let me guess, you used his 'milk' right?" Stan laughs. "Yes I did, only this around I didn't have to torture him, he was leaking it while he was sleeping!" Francine says. Klaus announces, "I just came up with a joke! What do you say to Roger's breasts? Give up? Got Milk?!" Klaus begins to cackle.

Roger was upstairs watching Mermaids. Crying as he was watching the movie. "Well, now that my Cher Chick Flick movie binge is drawing near an end. I'll watch Burlesque then I'm done."


The next day, later on in the afternoon. After Francine got done cooking steaks, burgers, and hot dogs. The Smith Family were on their way to Langley Falls State Park. Getting out of the SUV, Dan is spying on them from far away.

"Perfect! I'll inform Chris and Elise and..." Dan said but stopped himself when realizing Chris and Elise had told him to go away. Now he was across the country. LA seemed so far away to him now that he was in Langley Falls. "Oh yes, that's right. Chris and Elise wanted me far gone. Oh well. Fuck them anyway. It doesn't matter. I can perfectly get Stan Smith all by myself!" said Dan.

Dan climbed up a tree and hid in the leaves. He has a fishing pole ready. "Let's see you try to enjoy your picnic without food!" Dan laughs hysterically.

Francine set up the picnic blanket. Steve, Hayley, and Jeff were helping. Stan puts Klaus down in his fish bowl, and Roger is crying.

"Look, I know you're going through your 'repro' phase, but can you please stop crying at everything you see?" Stan asked him.

"The sights of this state park are just so beautiful!" Roger sobs. "You've been here a million times. You act like you've never seen a park before." Stan scoffs.

Francine lays out the picnic basket. Dan uses his fishing lure and takes the basket without Francine or anyone else noticing. "If only Chris and Elise can see me now! When I get back, I'll just say I created 'The Perfect Storm' without George Clooney nor Mark Wahlberg!" Dan laughs. Then Dan remembered Stan's movie joke, "Damn that Stan Smith for making a movie reference and laughing so smugly at me!"

Taking out the picnic basket, what Dan didn't know was a small trail of food dropped from the picnic basket. Dan throws the now empty picnic basket back over where the Smith's were having their picnic.

"Okay, Mom! Bring out those delicious steaks!" Hayley says. "Yeah, Mrs. S! Can't wait to try your burgers!" said Jeff. "Hey, I thought you guys were vegans!" Stan tells Hayley and Jeff.

"Well, sometimes we cheat on that, Mr. S!" Jeff says explaining himself. "We're not 100% that's for sure! Besides, who can resist Mom's steaks, hot dogs, and burgers!" Hayley says.

Steve comes up to Roger with a frisbee, "Want to play some frisbee?" asked Steve. "No I'm just too sad." Roger sobs. "Oh come on! Stop being a killjoy. We always play frisbee on the Family Picnic!" Steve demanded. "Well, okay. Maybe it'll cheer me up some." Roger agrees.

While in the tree, Dan was eating some of the burgers, hot dogs, and steaks Francine made. "Mmmm! This is so fucking delicious! I wish Elise would make good food like this!"

Francine goes to open the picnic basket, only to see that there were no steaks, hot dogs, and burgers. The only thing that was left was the potato salad. "PANIC ATTACK ALERT! PANIC ATTACK ALERT!" Francine shrieks.

Stan, Hayley, Jeff, Steve, Roger and Klaus all stop what they're doing and run to Francine, "What's going on, Francine!" Stan asks. "All the steaks, burgers, and hot dogs have somehow disappeared!" Francine cries out.

Klaus looks inside the picnic basket, "At least we still got the potato salad....." "The potato salad is nothing compared to the burgers and meats!" Stan says. "We need to find whoever did this." Steve said.

"I know, right! The Smith Family Picnic cannot go on like this!" Hayley says. "I bet Roger did it! He eats more than usual when he's in his reproductive phase." Klaus points out.

"Maybe YOU DID!" Francine yelled at Klaus in his bowl. "Oh please! I'm a goldfish! Do I look like I am capable of eating human food! I am just calling out all the possibilities. " Klaus implies.

"I didn't eat all that food, I swear!" Roger pleaded. "We know you didn't. You were too busy crying your eyes out while talking about scenes from the Demi Moore movies, Wild Oats and Now And Then." Stan tells him.

"That leaves Roger off the hook. But who else could've done this?" Hayley wondered. "Maybe a dog took it all. It happened in National Lampoon Vacation to the Griswalds." Jeff suggested.

"No, impossible." Stan says. Steve sees the far away tree move a little. Then Steve spots a steak from a mile away. "Did anybody see that tree that just moved?" asked Steve.

"Are you thinking that a tree stole our food?" Stan asked Steve. "Wouldn't put that past him, that book The Giving Tree scared the shit out of him when he was little." Francine says.

"No! It's not that! I saw a tree move because I think somebody might be hiding inside it!" Steve pointed out. Roger then sees a steak on the ground, "He's right Frannie! Does this steak look familiar to you?"

"Holy shit! Steve! I think you're right for once. I should listen to you more often!" Francine says now that she saw the tree with Dan inside move.

"Whoever could it be in that tree?" asked Klaus. "Oh no! I hope it's not The Majestic! Maybe he's come back for me!" Jeff gasps in fear. "Jeff, stop! That's such bullshit. The Majestic has long forgotten about you!" Roger says.

"Maybe we can knock down whoever is in the tree stealing our food!" Stan says. "Good idea, Mr. S. I'll just use my trust hacky sack!" Jeff says. Reaching into his pocket for his hacky sack, Jeff throws it at the tree. "ZZZZOOOOIIINNNNKKKKSSSS!" Jeff shouted throwing the hacky sack. "What the hell was that? ZOINKS?! Are you serious? Who are you, Shaggy all of the sudden?" asked Roger.

"No it's just a cool thing I say when I throw the hacky sack." Jeff replies. The hacky sack ended up hitting Dan square in the face, causing him to yell out.

"HA! There is someone there!! Good thinking, Jeff!" Steve pointed out. Stan, Francine, Steve, Jeff, and Hayley all go running to the tree where Dan was hiding, laying in wait to exact his revenge on Stan Smith.

Roger and Klaus feel insulted that they were left behind, "HEY! WHAT ABOUT US!" "I don't think you should be running in your condition, Roger." Klaus said who continued, "On top of that, you're an alien. You don't want some outsider finding out about you? Do you? Well, do you." "All right. We'll stay here in case they need us." Roger says rolling his eyes.


Once Stan, Francine, Hayley, Steve, and Jeff ran to the tree. Dan decides to introduce himself and what his reason was for stealing the food. "I WANT THE BLOOD OF STAN SMITH!" Dan screeched.

Francine was full of fear, "How does this crazy ass man know you?" "Wait a minute, I saw him yesterday. He snuck aboard the CIA Jet. Then I told him it wasn't right what he did." Stan explains. "Yes and..." asked Francine. "We all kicked him off the jet." Stan says, "guess now he has it in for me. His name is Dan Mandel, by the way."

"Glad you were able to tell your family what an asshole you are! I actually feel sorry for them having to put up with your shit ass!" Dan says. "Are you the one who stole our picnic food?" asked Steve. "Yes! I did everything! Everything!" Dan said snickering. "But how did you if you are so far away?" Jeff wanted to know.

"Fishing pole! Does this answer your question!" Dan responded holding a fishing pole to show the Smith Family.

"You're not going to get back at me for throwing you off the jet. You're just mad that I spotted you!" Stan tells Dan.

"Now just go back to where you came from and leave us the hell alone!" Hayley tells off Dan.

Dan says, "NO! NEVER! NOT UNTIL I GET MY REVENGE ON STAN SMITH!" "I am a CIA Agent! I work for the government! Do you realize if you try to physically harm me in any way you can go to federal prison?" Stan tries to reason with Dan.

"Who the fuck cares! Anyone who crosses paths with me pays the ultimate price!" Dan says who now is beginning to throw huge chest nuts at the Smith family.

One of the chest nuts hit Jeff, "HOLY FUCK! THAT HURT!" Steve got hit by a chest nut, "OOOWWWW! SON OF A BITCH!"

Stan tries to initiate a plan, "Okay, Francine. I'm a good tree climber. I'll try to negotiate a deal with him." "Oooh, please be careful." Francine says.

Climbing up the tree, Stan tells Dan, "You are going to come down from this tree, right now and....." Dan clobbers Stan with another huge chest nut knocking him out of the tree.

"Oh no! Dad! Are you hurt?" Hayley asks. Stan had a bloody scratch on his face. Francine rips a cloth from her dress, "Here, apply pressure on this." "Uh, thanks Francine." Stan says.

"Man, he really has it out for you, Mr. S. Let's see if I can try anything." Jeff says.

"You can if you want to. I'm going to spot you." Hayley replied. Jeff tries to climb the tree but fails in the process, then Dan throws a chest nut at Jeff that makes him fall backwards, luckily Hayley caught him before he hit the ground.

"What's wrong, Stan Smith? You need you family to protect you! You're an even bigger wimp than I thought! It's going to be so easy to overpower you!" laughs Dan.

"The one thing I am not is weak! Who do you think I am, Whitney Houston in The Bodyguard!" Stan says trying to challenge Dan.

"You're making him even more angry!" Francine pleaded with her husband. "That's the whole point, that way I can get him when he lets his guard down." Stan said.

"Hey, Dad. You know how you're always telling me to be a man and stand up to bullies." asked Steve. "NO STEVE! DON'T TRY ANYTHING! I DON'T WANT MY PRECIOUS BABY TO GET HURT!" Francine cries out,

"Go ahead son. Growing up with me as your dad has got to have some impact on you!" Stan stays giving his approval. Steve tries to climb the tree and he succeeds, coming up to Dan face to face Steve says, "Listen you! Nobody fucks around with my Dad and...."

Dan screams in Steve's face, "FUCK OFF! I DON'T WANT YOU! I WANT STAN SMITH!" Steve feeling startled slowly climbs down the tree.

Feeling shaken, Steve spews nonsense as he quivers. "BLBLBBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLB!"

"There has to be some way to get him out of that tree." Hayley says. The Smith family turns away then Dan decides to surprise them by getting out of the tree.

"Hey I know. Maybe we can get Malcolm Hathaway back here." Francine suggested. "You mean that guy you sent after me when I was addicted to crack? No way!" Stan says. "I don't want to remember that bastard! The way he moved on me!" Hayley says feeling creeped out.

Dan was sneaking up from behind Stan. Before Stan can do anything else, Dan attacks him. Stan fights back. The fight gets really intense. Stan uses his fighting moves he learned at the CIA, "Swing Low! Rob Lowe! Chad Lowe!" "Stan did those moves on a robot version of himself. Francine remembers.

"You think that's going to stop me, get a load of my brass ring!" Dan says. Dan tries to punch Stan with a brass ring, but Stan was able to stop Dan by grabbing his fist then flipping him over.

"Ha! See what happens when you mess with a trained fighter who's a government agent!" Stan laughs. Dan then rams into Stan's stomach, knocking him into the grass.

"You may be stronger than me, but...." Dan says before he can say anything else, Stan kicks Dan into the grass.

Dan tries to kick Stan when he's down. "You're not going to give up, are you?" Stan asked Dan. "Never! Not until I....." Dan said.

"Please Stan! Stop this fight right now! He's relentless. Is there anything that can be done about this?" asked Francine.

"Glad you said that, Francine. You know, Dan. There's someone I'd like to meet." Stan says.

"Who is it?" asked Dan.

"I have connections to the most hated person in all of Langley Falls!" Stan informed Dan.

"Ooooh! So scared!" Dan taunted, rolling his eyes and scoffing.

"Are you talking about who I think it is?" asked Steve.

"Absolutely! Anytime I deal with someone who won't stop fighting with me, he is always there!" Stan tells Dan. "Big deal! I'll just call my friends! CHRIS! ELISE! Oh shit, why do I keep forgetting they're not here!" Dan retorted.

"HA! You don't have backup, but I do! You have no advantage since you're here all by your lonesome pathetic self!" Stan brags to Dan.

"I think I see him now, Mr. S!" Jeff says. "Yeah, Dad. If you call him, he will come!" Hayley said.

"You're going to meet him right now.....OH RICKY SPANISH!" Stan called out to Roger.

Still at the picnic area, Roger hears Stan call her his most hated alter ego with the worst reputation. Ricky Spanish.

"Roger! I think that's your cue! Stan needs your help!" Klaus tells Roger.

"This is going to be awesome! I get to be Ricky Spanish again! Without anyone in town wanting to throw their shit at me!" Roger said getting ready to get into his Ricky Spanish persona.

"Wait, Roger! Maybe you shouldn't. You're going through that reproductive cycle of yours, you ought to be resting and...." Klaus talks.

"Can it, Charlie Tuna! Just because I'm in my reproductive cycle, doesn't mean I have to be laying around all the time!" Roger concedes.

Roger gets into his Ricky Spanish persona. A voice over says, "STAY TUNED AMERICAN DAD FANS! FOR YOU ARE ALL ABOUT TO WITNESS THE RETURN OF......RICKY SPANISH!"

Klaus stays behind, "YEAH YEAH! Go kick his ass!" Klaus then turns to the screen, "There's another thing you all should know. Roger gets really bitchy like a woman with severe PMS when he's in his reproductive cycle."


Stan was now sitting on Dan. "Here he comes now!" Stan tells Dan. Roger says, "Ricky Spanish! Reporting for duty! At your service!"

"Give this Dan guy the beating where it counts!" Stan said. Roger as Ricky Spanish kicks Dan in the testicles. Dan goes down, he has no fight left in him. Then Roger starts to cough up an egg like he does during his reproductive cycle and spits the egg into Dan's mouth. Dan falls into a deep sleep.

"What the hell did you do, give him a roofie?" asked Steve, "Ohhhhhhhh, wait now I remember. He'll be in for a huge shock when he wakes up! I should know."

"Like Bullock always tells me, Well done, Ricky Spanish!" Stan tells Roger.

Roger gets the picnic basket back and there's still plenty of steaks, burgers, and hot dogs to go around. "Anytime. All in a day's work!"

"Our food is saved!" Francine implies. "Now we can have our Smith Family picnic!" Steve says.

"Yes, but. What will be do about him?" Jeff asks pointing to the now dormant Dan. "I'll have Jackson come and take him back to LA." Stan says. Roger laughs, "That dude will be like Billy Crystal in Rabbit Test by the time he comes to!"

When Stan calls Jackson to take Dan back to LA, the Smith Family has their picnic. They reward Roger with a pizza that Francine always makes for him on their picnics.

Momentarily, Dan finds himself back in LA. Waking up from being beaten. Dan slowly walks back to his apartment. He knocks on Chris's door.

"Oh hey Dan!" Greets Chris. "Back so soon?" asked Elise.

"Worst trip ever..." Dan says out of breath.

"Why? What happened?" asked Chris. "Did one of your revenge plots kick you in the ass?" laughs Elise.

Chris then notices Dan has a swollen stomach. "Do you have a hernia?"

"What're you talking about?" Dan asked confused.

"We mean that round stomach you have! You look like you're pregnant!" Elise says.

Dan looks down at his stomach, Chris and Elise were indeed right. Dan did look like he was pregnant.

"Had a terrible time in Langley Falls. Some joker CIA Agent threw me out of a jet when I sneaked aboard and....." Dan explains himself. Then he recalls Roger as Ricky Spanish shoving an egg down his throat. Dan's temper then gets out of control.

Chris asks, "Who gave you that round fat stomach?"

Once more, Dan does his signature cry for blood when he wants to get revenge on someone.


Chris and Elise say together, "Who's Ricky Spanish?"
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