Categories > Cartoons > American Dad
Joint Turd Custody
0 reviewsIf the Golden Turd saga had taken another turn during the episode Joint Custody.
0Unrated
It was a warm and humid afternoon in Boca Raton, Florida, where Marilyn Thacker, widow of Eddie Thacker, had settled after her husband’s untimely death. Marilyn, now in her 50s, was a striking woman whose beauty was rivaled only by her ruthlessness. She'd spent a good chunk of her life playing the role of a devoted wife to Eddie, a role she now found to be a tedious mask for the dark side of her true nature.
"Oh Eddie! I am so glad I poisoned you! Now I can have the life I want! Look how much I've gotten away with it!" Marilyn said to herself.
That afternoon, Marilyn was in her luxurious condo, perched high above the city’s sparkling blue coastline, contemplating the Golden Turd.
It had once been nothing more than a kitschy item found on some railroad tracks by her husband Eddie who was a week away from retirement who soon regretted his decision to steal it. Eddie and Marilyn got into an intense arguement over it.
But after Eddie’s death, it had somehow grown in significance. A symbol. A treasure. Maybe even a cursed artifact, though Marilyn would never admit that to anyone. All she knew was that the Golden Turd had become hers. No one was going to take it from her.
As she stood admiring the object on the marble countertop, she heard the faint sloshing sound of something wet dragging across the floor.
She whipped her head around, eyes narrowing. A massive alligator had slithered into her condo, its dark eyes gleaming as it waddled toward the Golden Turd, lured by its gleam.
"OH NO! YOU STAY AWAY! YOU ARE NOT GETTING MY GOLDEN TURD YOU SCALY ASSHOLE!"
The alligator's massive jaws snapped open, its powerful tail knocking over a lamp, but Marilyn was ready. Her hand went to the nearby kitchen drawer where she kept a variety of tools, and without hesitation, she pulled out a sharp carving knife. She had faced all kinds of danger over the years, but this was the first time she’d ever fought off an alligator in her own home.
The alligator lunged, jaws wide and snapping, but Marilyn was quick. She ducked under its attack, rolling across the floor and slicing the knife through the air, narrowly missing its thick hide. The creature hissed, clearly startled by her agility.
"Not today, you overgrown handbag," Marilyn muttered as she swung the blade again, cutting into the alligator’s tail. It let out an angry hiss, but Marilyn wasn’t finished yet. She took a step back, eyeing the creature as it circled.
Before she could make her next move, the doorbell rang.
Marilyn froze, the alligator momentarily distracted by the sound. She didn’t even have time to make sense of it when the door burst open, and a burly liquor store delivery man in his late 30s swaggered inside, carrying several crates of premium rum. He looked confused for a moment, but then he saw the alligator and froze.
"What the hell?" the delivery man muttered. "Is this a joke or something?"
Without warning, Marilyn sprang into action, knocking over the crates of rum with one swift movement, sending glass bottles shattering across the floor. She moved like a panther, her body a blur as she jumped onto the alligator's back, jamming the carving knife deep into its side. The creature let out a deafening roar, thrashing in panic as Marilyn held on, her eyes narrowed in grim determination.
The delivery man wasn’t sure if he should run or help. He took a step toward the door, but then he noticed the Golden Turd gleaming on the countertop. A spark of greed lit up his eyes. This wasn’t just some ridiculous trinket—it was the Golden Turd, a relic rumored to have mystical powers. If he could steal it, he could change everything. His boss, a powerful Cuban crime lord, would pay him handsomely, and he could even help his sick sister get the treatment she needed. The thought of the money and the promise of salvation was enough to send him into a frenzy.
He lunged for the Golden Turd, but Marilyn was faster.
“Not so fast,” she spat, yanking the artifact from the countertop and clutching it tightly to her chest. She turned toward the delivery man, ready to end this. "You think you can take this from me? Do you have any idea who I am?"
The delivery man, panic rising in his throat, took a step back. "Lady, I’m just trying to help my sister," he stammered. "The boss—he needs that turd. I don’t want any trouble."
Marilyn’s eyes narrowed, and for a brief moment, the madness of it all seemed to consume her. The alligator was now writhing on the floor, wounded but still alive, its hiss echoing in the tense silence.
“You think you have trouble?” Marilyn’s voice dropped to a deadly whisper. “I’ve already killed once to get what I want. Do you think I’ll hesitate again?”
The delivery man flinched, realizing too late that he was outmatched. He took a hesitant step backward, and then another. “Please, just give it to me. My sister, she’s...”
Marilyn’s eyes softened for just a second before hardening again. “Your sister won’t get anything from this.”
With a speed that took him by surprise, Marilyn lunged forward, kicking him hard in the stomach. The man fell back, crashing into the wall, and before he could recover, she stood above him, her hand still clutching the Golden Turd.
“Stay out of my way,” she warned him, her voice cold and final.
But it was too late. The delivery man scrambled toward the door, tripping over shattered glass, and disappeared. Marilyn didn’t give chase.
Instead, she turned back to the alligator. It was still alive, but its struggle was growing weaker. The poor creature had no chance, and Marilyn’s heart, so accustomed to hardness, barely skipped a beat.
And then, just as quickly as she’d acted, Marilyn turned her attention back to the Golden Turd. She stood alone in the room, the weight of her choices settling on her like a heavy cloud. Her husband Eddie had been the first casualty, the rat poison she'd slipped into his drink while he slept. He had been a liability, a weak man who couldn’t keep up with her ambition. She hadn’t hesitated then, either.
She ran her fingers over the golden surface of the turd, wondering what she had truly gained. There was no one left in Langley Falls who cared about her, no one left to mourn her or to be impressed by her ruthless cunning. The delivery man had left, her battle with the alligator won, but what was left to conquer?
Marilyn Thacker looked down at the Golden Turd in her hands and realized the truth. She had fought for so long, but in the end, the only thing she had to show for it was emptiness.
The Golden Turd wasn’t a prize; it was a symbol of everything she’d lost. A lose she made in her own doing. And in that moment, she could almost feel Eddie’s cold stare, watching her from beyond, as if to say: You killed me, and now what?
And for the first time in years, Marilyn Thacker felt the weight of her loneliness—and it was heavier than any golden relic could ever be.
In a shocking twist of fate, the liquor store delivery man got out a shotgun and shot Marilyn twice in the back. The bullets landed straight into her heart thus killing the evil widow who poisoned Eddie Thacker. With vigor, the liquor delivery truck driver took the Golden Turd and is going to use it to help the crime lord's ailing sister.
"Now you are mine! Crime lord will be very pleased!"
TO BE CONTINUED.....
"Oh Eddie! I am so glad I poisoned you! Now I can have the life I want! Look how much I've gotten away with it!" Marilyn said to herself.
That afternoon, Marilyn was in her luxurious condo, perched high above the city’s sparkling blue coastline, contemplating the Golden Turd.
It had once been nothing more than a kitschy item found on some railroad tracks by her husband Eddie who was a week away from retirement who soon regretted his decision to steal it. Eddie and Marilyn got into an intense arguement over it.
But after Eddie’s death, it had somehow grown in significance. A symbol. A treasure. Maybe even a cursed artifact, though Marilyn would never admit that to anyone. All she knew was that the Golden Turd had become hers. No one was going to take it from her.
As she stood admiring the object on the marble countertop, she heard the faint sloshing sound of something wet dragging across the floor.
She whipped her head around, eyes narrowing. A massive alligator had slithered into her condo, its dark eyes gleaming as it waddled toward the Golden Turd, lured by its gleam.
"OH NO! YOU STAY AWAY! YOU ARE NOT GETTING MY GOLDEN TURD YOU SCALY ASSHOLE!"
The alligator's massive jaws snapped open, its powerful tail knocking over a lamp, but Marilyn was ready. Her hand went to the nearby kitchen drawer where she kept a variety of tools, and without hesitation, she pulled out a sharp carving knife. She had faced all kinds of danger over the years, but this was the first time she’d ever fought off an alligator in her own home.
The alligator lunged, jaws wide and snapping, but Marilyn was quick. She ducked under its attack, rolling across the floor and slicing the knife through the air, narrowly missing its thick hide. The creature hissed, clearly startled by her agility.
"Not today, you overgrown handbag," Marilyn muttered as she swung the blade again, cutting into the alligator’s tail. It let out an angry hiss, but Marilyn wasn’t finished yet. She took a step back, eyeing the creature as it circled.
Before she could make her next move, the doorbell rang.
Marilyn froze, the alligator momentarily distracted by the sound. She didn’t even have time to make sense of it when the door burst open, and a burly liquor store delivery man in his late 30s swaggered inside, carrying several crates of premium rum. He looked confused for a moment, but then he saw the alligator and froze.
"What the hell?" the delivery man muttered. "Is this a joke or something?"
Without warning, Marilyn sprang into action, knocking over the crates of rum with one swift movement, sending glass bottles shattering across the floor. She moved like a panther, her body a blur as she jumped onto the alligator's back, jamming the carving knife deep into its side. The creature let out a deafening roar, thrashing in panic as Marilyn held on, her eyes narrowed in grim determination.
The delivery man wasn’t sure if he should run or help. He took a step toward the door, but then he noticed the Golden Turd gleaming on the countertop. A spark of greed lit up his eyes. This wasn’t just some ridiculous trinket—it was the Golden Turd, a relic rumored to have mystical powers. If he could steal it, he could change everything. His boss, a powerful Cuban crime lord, would pay him handsomely, and he could even help his sick sister get the treatment she needed. The thought of the money and the promise of salvation was enough to send him into a frenzy.
He lunged for the Golden Turd, but Marilyn was faster.
“Not so fast,” she spat, yanking the artifact from the countertop and clutching it tightly to her chest. She turned toward the delivery man, ready to end this. "You think you can take this from me? Do you have any idea who I am?"
The delivery man, panic rising in his throat, took a step back. "Lady, I’m just trying to help my sister," he stammered. "The boss—he needs that turd. I don’t want any trouble."
Marilyn’s eyes narrowed, and for a brief moment, the madness of it all seemed to consume her. The alligator was now writhing on the floor, wounded but still alive, its hiss echoing in the tense silence.
“You think you have trouble?” Marilyn’s voice dropped to a deadly whisper. “I’ve already killed once to get what I want. Do you think I’ll hesitate again?”
The delivery man flinched, realizing too late that he was outmatched. He took a hesitant step backward, and then another. “Please, just give it to me. My sister, she’s...”
Marilyn’s eyes softened for just a second before hardening again. “Your sister won’t get anything from this.”
With a speed that took him by surprise, Marilyn lunged forward, kicking him hard in the stomach. The man fell back, crashing into the wall, and before he could recover, she stood above him, her hand still clutching the Golden Turd.
“Stay out of my way,” she warned him, her voice cold and final.
But it was too late. The delivery man scrambled toward the door, tripping over shattered glass, and disappeared. Marilyn didn’t give chase.
Instead, she turned back to the alligator. It was still alive, but its struggle was growing weaker. The poor creature had no chance, and Marilyn’s heart, so accustomed to hardness, barely skipped a beat.
And then, just as quickly as she’d acted, Marilyn turned her attention back to the Golden Turd. She stood alone in the room, the weight of her choices settling on her like a heavy cloud. Her husband Eddie had been the first casualty, the rat poison she'd slipped into his drink while he slept. He had been a liability, a weak man who couldn’t keep up with her ambition. She hadn’t hesitated then, either.
She ran her fingers over the golden surface of the turd, wondering what she had truly gained. There was no one left in Langley Falls who cared about her, no one left to mourn her or to be impressed by her ruthless cunning. The delivery man had left, her battle with the alligator won, but what was left to conquer?
Marilyn Thacker looked down at the Golden Turd in her hands and realized the truth. She had fought for so long, but in the end, the only thing she had to show for it was emptiness.
The Golden Turd wasn’t a prize; it was a symbol of everything she’d lost. A lose she made in her own doing. And in that moment, she could almost feel Eddie’s cold stare, watching her from beyond, as if to say: You killed me, and now what?
And for the first time in years, Marilyn Thacker felt the weight of her loneliness—and it was heavier than any golden relic could ever be.
In a shocking twist of fate, the liquor store delivery man got out a shotgun and shot Marilyn twice in the back. The bullets landed straight into her heart thus killing the evil widow who poisoned Eddie Thacker. With vigor, the liquor delivery truck driver took the Golden Turd and is going to use it to help the crime lord's ailing sister.
"Now you are mine! Crime lord will be very pleased!"
TO BE CONTINUED.....
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