FicWad

The school bus rattled down a bumpy country road, passing endless fields of grass and an occasional lazy-looking cow.

Mr. Ingles sat at the front, clutching a clipboard like it was the only thing keeping him sane.

“Alright, class,” he sighed, adjusting his glasses. “This field trip is an educational experience. Cows, farming, sustainability—try to learn something.”

Cornell slumped in his seat, arms crossed. “Mr. Ingles, with all due respect, I’m gonna die of shitty ass boredom before we even get there.”

RG scrolled through his phone. “Yeah, I looked up ‘cow farm mysteries’—ZERO results. Where’s the intrigue? The scandal? I need at least one in a UFO Kidnapping Magazine style level event.” RG then shows a magazine titled, "UFO KIDNAPPING."

Reggie peered out the window. “I mean, if there’s a haunted barn or something, I’m in. But if this is just about pasteurization, I’m out.”

Mr. Ingles pinched the bridge of his nose. “Why can’t any of you just appreciate agriculture?”

Cornell waved him off. “Nah, man. Farming is just nature’s version of The Truman Show—the cows don’t know they’re trapped.”

RG squinted. “Hold up. Do you think cows have, like, existential crises?”

Reggie pondered. “Like, duh! does the last cow to get milked feel survivor’s guilt?”

Mr. Ingles groaned. “Why do you talk like this?”

The bus hit a pothole, jolting everyone. KY and Freddie Breadslice sat a few rows behind, whispering about something—Cornell narrowed his eyes.

KY Whispers, "Stop! He's looking at us!" "If he finds out we're going to get laid at the farm, we're dead!" Freddie warns KY. "Don't worry, I'll be sure that won't happen!" "This is kind of thrilling sneaking on this bus, won't you say?" asked KY!

"As long as nobody catches us!" laughs Freddie.

Suspicious.

Something weird was about to go down.


And Cornell, RG, and Reggie were determined to find out what.


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A hour had passed. It was supposed to be a normal school trip, but of course, nothing ever was with Cornell, RG, and Reggie. A cow farm in the middle of Washington State? Boring. Until, of course, they found themselves sneaking off towards an old, rusted silo. Without Mr. Ingles or their classmates ever noticing.


Cornell squinted at the structure. “This looks like the kind of place in horror movies where people walk in and never walk out.”

RG scoffed. “Please, I’ve seen Signs. Worst thing in here is probably a weird farmer who drinks too much expired milk.”

Reggie shrugged. “Or an alien. Or a cursed scarecrow. Or—”

The creaking of metal interrupted them. The silo door swung open, revealing KY—Cornell’s jellyfish sister—wrapped around Freddie Breadslice, the human with a literal slice of bread for a head.

KY’s tentacles flared. “WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!”

Cornell gawked. “WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?! MOM AND DAD WILL FREAK OUT!”

Freddie Breadslice adjusted his tie. “Kid, you didn’t see anything. You hear me? This is classified business.”

RG raised an eyebrow. “Classified? This a Secret Window situation, or more like Babe: Pig in the City—because either way, I don’t trust it.”

KY groaned. “JUST LEAVE! And don’t tell Barry and Debbie—SERIOUSLY.”

The trio reluctantly backed out of the silo, but as soon as they did, something caught their attention: a group of rough-looking men wearing denim overalls, pitchforks slung over their shoulders.

“The Farmer Mafia,” Reggie whispered, eyes wide.


From far away, the Farmer Mafia leader was giving his men a speech:


"Listen up, boys. This ain't just dirt we're standin' on — it's our land. Every acre, every row, every damn seed planted out here answers to me. And by extension, that means it fucking answers to you." spoke the leader.


"YEAH!" answer his right hand men back to him!

"Now, I didn’t spend years tillin' this ground and buryin' bodies deeper than roots to let some city-slickin' pests come sniffin' around. We’ve harvested blood, sweat, and silence — and we ain’t lettin’ no one spoil our crop. You see someone talkin’? You cut ‘em down like a weed. You hear someone askin’ too many questions? Plow right through! You fucking got this!" the leader continues his speech.


"YEAH!" his right hand men answer back again.

The leader continues his speech, "Loyalty feeds this farm more than rain ever could. Disloyalty? That dries up everything. Fast. We run this valley like we run our tractors — tight, efficient, and without stoppin’ and shit. And just like a busted machine, if someone breaks down or squeals? We replace the part. Fast."


"FAST!" his right hand men shouted.


Finishing his speech, the leader says, "Now get back to work. The season’s hot, the feds are sniffin’, and I ain’t about to let this operation rot from the inside. We’re farmers, gentlemen… but we’re also wolves in overalls. Let’s act like it."


One of his henchmen asks, "You didn't say what we're going to do, Boss?" "You're right. Anyway, we are here today to kidnap some of these animals on this farm and sell them to the fucking black market! Now get to it! Chop Chop!" the leader gives out his orders as he claps his hands.


Cornell squinted. “That’s not a thing.”


"Of course it is!" RG grunted at Cornell. "The truth is right in front of you! Didn't you see?!" Reggie tells Cornell.


A truck screeched to a halt. Two cows were shoved inside. Then goats. Chickens. The Farmer Mafia was STEALING the farm’s animals.


Cornell sees the whole crime scene unfold before him, "I'm convinced NOW!!"


RG hissed, “Okay, now it’s turning into Children of the Corn meets Animal Farm, and I don’t like it.”


Cornell, RG, and Reggie sprinted back to their classmates and Mr Ingles.


"Where the hell have you sons of bitches gone off too! We've been looking all over for you! Come to think of it. You all missed the fun part how horseshoes are made!" Mr Ingles chides Cornell, RG, and Reggie.


"Horseshoes? Fun my ass!" shouted one of the students. Mr Ingles yells back, "HEY! CUT THE COMEDY! THIS IS A COW FARM, NOT DEF COMEDY JAM!"


Cornell wheezed. “MR. INGLES—THERE’S A CRIMINAL FARM CONSPIRACY HAPPENING!” Their classmates erupted with laughter. Some of their classmates heckled remarks at them.


"Fucking morons!"


"Shit for brains!"


Mr. Ingles blinked slowly. “Cornell, have you been watching too much Scooby-Doo again?”


RG threw his hands up. “IT’S REAL! The Farmer Mafia is kidnapping animals, possibly for dark cult reasons. Or illegal milk smuggling. Or—”


“Sit down, RG.”


Nobody believed them. Naturally.


So, they had only one option.


Recruit KY and Freddie Breadslice.

Inside the silo, KY folded her tentacles. “This sounds ridiculous. But whatever, I’m in.”

Freddie Breadslice smirked. “You had me at ‘Mafia.’”


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That night, they devised a plan. A booby-trap setup. RG added a horror twist: “Let’s make it look like Texas Chainsaw Massacre, but, like, with farm animals fighting back.” Cornell says, "These booby traps remind me of that Disney flop Blank Check!


"Hey, that movie was actually pretty good!" protested RG. "Yeah, that computer that says, butt to face! butt to face! butt to face!" Reggie joins in.


"You guys, you might want to do some Godfather references now. They're coming back!" Freddie Breadpiece warns them.


When the Farmer Mafia returned, things got weird fast. KY says, "We'll be ready for them!"
The Farmer Mafia stood in the moonlit field, pitchforks gleaming, boots covered in hay. The leader—a burly man with a handlebar mustache—adjusted his suspenders and cracked his knuckles.
“Well, well,” he sneered, “looks like we got ourselves a bunch of city kids who don’t know when to quit.”


Cornell clenched his fists. “This isn’t just about quitting—it’s about JUSTICE. And also, why are you dressed like a villain from Charlotte’s Web?”

RG pulled out a cowbell and shook it menacingly. “You messed with the wrong farm, pal. I’ve seen Signs. I KNOW HOW THIS GOES.”

Reggie pointed at the cows behind them. “You know what happens in Babe: Pig in the City? The farm animals FIGHT BACK.”

The Farmer Mafia laughed. “A jellyfish, a guy with a bread-head, and three teenagers? You kids are in over your heads.”

Freddie Breadslice adjusted his suit jacket. “Over our heads? Buddy, I got a literal slice of bread for a face, and I STILL have more brainpower than you.”

KY launched herself forward, tentacles flailing. “YOU WANNA FIGHT?! I’VE SEEN TREMORS! I KNOW HOW TO STRIKE FROM BELOW!”

Chaos erupted. Cows charged, mooing in vengeance. Chickens dive-bombed from the barn roof. RG swung his cowbell, yelling "This is for Old Yeller!"

Cornell slid under a pitchfork attack and kicked a bucket at one of the Mafia members. “MILK THIS!”

Freddie Breadslice climbed onto a haystack and tossed croutons like ninja stars. “THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU MESS WITH THE CARB FAMILY!”

Reggie ducked behind a tractor, pulling a rope. “Time for some Final Destination ingenuity!” The rope snapped, releasing a stack of hay bales that rolled directly into the gangsters.

One of the cows—Bessie—turned toward the Farmer Mafia leader and let out a long, echoing MOOOOO.

The leader narrowed his eyes. “Wait… you don’t mean…”

Bessie charged.


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As Bessie thundered forward, the Farmer Mafia leader’s confidence cracked like an egg on a hot skillet.

“No… no, I—AHHHH!”

With the force of a thousand dairy-fueled nightmares, Bessie plowed into him, sending him flying backward into a pile of hay bales. The impact was so strong, his pitchfork flipped through the air and impaled a scarecrow nearby, making it look like it had just been sacrificed in some pagan ritual.


Cornell pumped his fist. “BESSIE FOR THE WIN!”

RG pointed dramatically. “This is exactly like The Horse Whisperer, except instead of healing trauma, it’s delivering absolute farm justice!”

The remaining Farmer Mafia members scrambled, trying to escape, but KY was already in motion. She whipped her tentacles out like Indiana Jones, snagging one gangster by the ankle and yanking him face-first into the mud.

Freddie Breadslice stood atop a haystack, arms crossed. “You fools thought you could outmaneuver Bessie the Avenger. Pathetic.

Reggie tossed a wrench. “I need more Mad Max energy in this battle!”

Cornell spotted a loose tractor. He grinned. “Say no more.”

He jumped into the driver’s seat, revved the engine, and plowed forward, forcing the last remaining gangsters to leap out of the way.

“You kids are INSANE!” one of them shrieked before slipping on a rogue crouton thrown by Freddie Breadslice Some more of the pitchforks were flying into remaining members of the Farmer Mafia as well as their leader. They were all now dead.

Mr. Ingles and the rest of the class finally arrived at the battlefield, jaws dropped.

Cornell adjusted his collar. “What? You didn’t believe us, so we had to prove a point.”

Mr. Ingles blinked. “Cornell… did you just commandeer a tractor in the middle of a criminal farm ring bust?”

Cornell swung his cowbell one last time. “You’re welcome.”

RG and Reggie took a bow, and their classmates applauded them for their heroics and bravery. Cornell walks up to KY and Freddie. "Don't worry, sis! Your secret is safe with me!" Cornell tells his adoptive older sister. "Thank you, means a lot!" said KY. Freddie says, "I hope our next date is this exciting!"


The field trip ends with Mr Ignles, Freddie Breadslice, KY, Cornell, RG, and Reggie going on the school bus back home.