Categories > Celebrities > Fall Out Boy > The Mixed Tape
Cassandra had no problem admitting that her choice of music would be far from the eloquence Peter had accomplished in the compilation of his tape. That, once again, was their difference. His bluntness and her subtleties. That's what made them the most unlikely likely pair in the world.
She got up early the next morning, after 'finishing' Peter's tape, and sat down at her computer. Her itunes was going to have to be her source of love /hate/forgiveness letters that came in the form of music. Once again, where to start? Only 24,000 songs for her to choose from, and she figured that with the guys leaving in less than a month, she'd better pick fast.
She was already dressed for breakfast, if you considered dressed a pair of pajama pants and a CSI t-shirt. She had showered already and her hair was becoming wavy, as it always did when she let it air-dry. On a regular day, she'd immediately start attacking it with a straightener. Today, she didn't care. There was work to be done.
Eventually, after tediously scrolling through the huge collection of songs on her itunes, she found number one.
1. Fidelity-Regina Spektor
Peter,
You've invested time into me, and now I'm doing the same for you. Essentially, I finished your tape last night. Props. It's in my head, and my heart, and it's all I think about. Once again, I'm stuck on Peter Wentz. How 16 do I feel? Growing up, we always practiced 'returning the favor'. Here you go. Here's how I view or past relationship, and our present relationship, and what ever may happen in the future. I'm going to give this to you a C.D. at a time, because I don't know how to make a mixed tape. And, I want my gift to differ from yours at least a little bit. Think about it. I had access to your next move any time I wanted it. You're going to have to wait patiently for mine. You're probably thinking I'm a bitch. I guess I could tell you you're wrong and this is for your own good, but that would be lying, and we've already figured out that you're the fucking liar. Here is my gift to you, Peter.
Cass.
I never loved nobody fully
Always one foot on the ground
And by protecting my heart truly
I got lost, in the sounds.
I hear in my mind
All of these voices
I hear in my mind
All of these words
I hear in my mind
All of this music
And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
Suppose I never ever met you
Suppose we'd never fell in love,
Suppose I never ever let you,
Kiss me so sweet and so soft
Suppose I never ever saw you
Suppose you never ever called
Suppose I kept on singing love songs,
just to break my own fall
Just to break my fall
Just to break my fall
Just to break my fall
Break my fall, break my fall
All my friends say that of course its
Gonna get better, gonna get better
Better
I never loved nobody fully
Always one foot on the ground
And by protecting my heart truly
I got lost, in the sounds.
I hear in my mind
All of these voices
I hear in my mind
All of these words
I hear in my mind
All of this music
And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
I never loved nobody fully
Always one foot on the ground
And by protecting my heart truly
I got lost, in the sounds.
I hear in my mind
All of these voices
I hear in my mind
All of these words
I hear in my mind
All of this music
And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
breaks my heart
Breaks my heart
She closed the paper sleeve that she placed the CD and the letter in and placed it under his pillow. This woke him up. He opened his eyes, without her noticing, and gently brought his hand to her cheek.
"Good morning." She jumped. He hadn't been awake when she came in. She put her hand to her chest and closed her eyes, startled.
"Morning. Ready for food?" He smiled and nodded.
"As soon as you tell me what you were doing in here if you didn't think I was going to be awake." She silently walked out of his room, and he reached under his pillow for his phone.
But first, he found the CD. He pulled it out and examined it carefully. When he finally realized what it was, he smiled and sat up, walking over to his CD player.
"This is so like Cass." He said, laughing and shaking his head.
When the song was over, he smiled. He'd talk to her about this later.
They arrived at a pancake house a little down the road from the apartments, and sat down. Peter spoke first. The silence was thick. Even thicker knowing it was a silence that had never existed between them.
"How's the store doing?" Cassandra looked down.
"Not well. A new mega-bookstore was built around the corner. We don't have the resources to compete. I don't know what to do, because I feel like I owe my mom the success of the store. That's why she left it to me." Peter looked at her. A millions pounds of stress were sitting on her shoulders, and he realized that his untimely arrival probably wasn't helping.
"Cass, is there anything I can do?" She sipped her water.
"Be there. Don't be anywhere else. Not until you have to be." He nodded. She quickly cleared her throat and tried to change the subject.
"How's the new album coming? It's October. Come on. Spill. You always have. I'll never let you quit." He shook his head and folded his arms on the table.
"Sorry, Cass. Top secret. Even from you. This one's going to be good. Believe me." She smiled as their waitress came to take their orders.
They devoured the food quickly, and went back to the not-so-intense discussion they had been engaged in prior to the coming of their meals.
"You finished the tape." Pete said, out of nowhere. Cassandra picked nervously at the top of her legs.
"Yes. I did. I've got a lot figured out, but not everything. Sorry. I still need more time." She had expected him to be angry. Instead, he just smiled.
"I got your CD this morning. I'll give you all the time you need, just as long as I keep getting those." She smiled. Oh yeah. She still had about 5 more songs to pick out. Fucking great.
"Fine by me." She got an idea.
"Swing?"
"Of course. I wouldn't want to deny it a chance to kill me. Or at least try. Let's go."
They paid, and walked back to Cassi's apartment to get the car. They drove to Cassi's house and went into the backyard. No swing.
"What the hell?" Cassi said, as she walked around the tree, refusing to believe it. "I'm getting dad."
She walked into the house, and her dad was on the couch, watching a harmless game of football. Oh, well. Regardless of how harmless that game was, she was still viciously pissed of at him.
"Dad. Where's the swing?" He looked up from his game, and sighed.
"I can't keep mom-related things around here anymore. It's been a year. I'm trying to forget her." His expression barely changed. She looked down.
"It's a year today." He nodded staring at the TV that wasn't even on anymore.
"A year today. Cass, if you don't mind, I'd like to be alone. You've got better things to do than watch your Father cry." He was right. He kissed his bald head, and went outside.
"Take me home." Peter was hoping she wouldn't really notice. That was selfish of him, though, because he knew she would. He got into the car, and drove in the opposite direction of her house.
"Peter. I'm serious. No surprises. I'm tired. Take me home."
He turned onto an old road that led to the cemetery. Cassandra shook her head.
"No. Not today. Any day but today." He pulled up next to the block containing her mother's grave. Pete exited the driver's side, and went around to Cassandra's door. She sat there, not responding to the hand he had held out to her.
"I'm not going out there." He ran his thumb along her jaw line.
"Do it, Cass. She misses you. You miss her. Better now, than never. Please? I know she'd love it. So do you." She sighed and rubbed her eyes as she slowly got out of her seat. How did she end up here?
She slowly approached her mother's grave and sat cross-legged in the crunchy grass in front of it's shiny marble surface. A single tear fell from her eye, down the side of her nose, and into the earth. She hoped maybe then, her mother would know she was there.
"Hey mom. It's me, Cass. I know you know it's me, but, I just thought I'd tell you anyway. Like this is a message, and you're out right now, but you'll get back to me as soon as you can. That's ridiculous, isn't it?
Really mom. I'm losing it. By it, I mean control. The store isn't doing so well. I guess that's not my fault, but I owe it's survival to you. You know that. I'm in love mom. I'm more in love than ever. You know who with. And you know why. Help. Please. Be a mom from the sidelines, like you used to say you were after I turned 18. I don't know how to handle my heart or his. Don't let me do something stupid.
Make dad put the swing back up. Let him know its okay to think of you every once and awhile and be lonely. It's okay to hurt because you're not around making homemade tomato soup and grilled cheese. Tell him its okay. He misses you so much, he's started watching football. Actually. That may not be dad. I'll make sure I walked into the right house next time I go home. Kidding, mom. You know I'm kidding.
Peter brought me here. I needed some mother/daughter time. I know this isn't really it, but I know you can at least hear me say I love you. I love you so much mommy, and I still need you so bad, and I'm not as grown up as I thought I was. I'm really not. I'm 25 going on 17 without you around. Help, mom. Please." Cassandra was crying to hard to talk now, and Pete put his arm around her shoulder. He knew she needed this. She knew he was right.
He helped her back into the car, and the ride home was silent. He knew she would go straight to bed, as she always did on the month-to-month anniversaries of her mother's passing. He couldn't blame her. He could stay in bed due to circumstances much lighter than that.
They got to the apartment, and she immediately went upstairs to sleep without saying a word.
She knew she needed to be stronger. For her, for her dad, for Peter, for her mom. She knew that so many people were relying on this immaculate strength that she really didn't have. It was exhausting. She fell into a fitful sleep, and didn't wake up for another 13 hours.
She got up early the next morning, after 'finishing' Peter's tape, and sat down at her computer. Her itunes was going to have to be her source of love /hate/forgiveness letters that came in the form of music. Once again, where to start? Only 24,000 songs for her to choose from, and she figured that with the guys leaving in less than a month, she'd better pick fast.
She was already dressed for breakfast, if you considered dressed a pair of pajama pants and a CSI t-shirt. She had showered already and her hair was becoming wavy, as it always did when she let it air-dry. On a regular day, she'd immediately start attacking it with a straightener. Today, she didn't care. There was work to be done.
Eventually, after tediously scrolling through the huge collection of songs on her itunes, she found number one.
1. Fidelity-Regina Spektor
Peter,
You've invested time into me, and now I'm doing the same for you. Essentially, I finished your tape last night. Props. It's in my head, and my heart, and it's all I think about. Once again, I'm stuck on Peter Wentz. How 16 do I feel? Growing up, we always practiced 'returning the favor'. Here you go. Here's how I view or past relationship, and our present relationship, and what ever may happen in the future. I'm going to give this to you a C.D. at a time, because I don't know how to make a mixed tape. And, I want my gift to differ from yours at least a little bit. Think about it. I had access to your next move any time I wanted it. You're going to have to wait patiently for mine. You're probably thinking I'm a bitch. I guess I could tell you you're wrong and this is for your own good, but that would be lying, and we've already figured out that you're the fucking liar. Here is my gift to you, Peter.
Cass.
I never loved nobody fully
Always one foot on the ground
And by protecting my heart truly
I got lost, in the sounds.
I hear in my mind
All of these voices
I hear in my mind
All of these words
I hear in my mind
All of this music
And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
Suppose I never ever met you
Suppose we'd never fell in love,
Suppose I never ever let you,
Kiss me so sweet and so soft
Suppose I never ever saw you
Suppose you never ever called
Suppose I kept on singing love songs,
just to break my own fall
Just to break my fall
Just to break my fall
Just to break my fall
Break my fall, break my fall
All my friends say that of course its
Gonna get better, gonna get better
Better
I never loved nobody fully
Always one foot on the ground
And by protecting my heart truly
I got lost, in the sounds.
I hear in my mind
All of these voices
I hear in my mind
All of these words
I hear in my mind
All of this music
And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
I never loved nobody fully
Always one foot on the ground
And by protecting my heart truly
I got lost, in the sounds.
I hear in my mind
All of these voices
I hear in my mind
All of these words
I hear in my mind
All of this music
And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
breaks my heart
Breaks my heart
She closed the paper sleeve that she placed the CD and the letter in and placed it under his pillow. This woke him up. He opened his eyes, without her noticing, and gently brought his hand to her cheek.
"Good morning." She jumped. He hadn't been awake when she came in. She put her hand to her chest and closed her eyes, startled.
"Morning. Ready for food?" He smiled and nodded.
"As soon as you tell me what you were doing in here if you didn't think I was going to be awake." She silently walked out of his room, and he reached under his pillow for his phone.
But first, he found the CD. He pulled it out and examined it carefully. When he finally realized what it was, he smiled and sat up, walking over to his CD player.
"This is so like Cass." He said, laughing and shaking his head.
When the song was over, he smiled. He'd talk to her about this later.
They arrived at a pancake house a little down the road from the apartments, and sat down. Peter spoke first. The silence was thick. Even thicker knowing it was a silence that had never existed between them.
"How's the store doing?" Cassandra looked down.
"Not well. A new mega-bookstore was built around the corner. We don't have the resources to compete. I don't know what to do, because I feel like I owe my mom the success of the store. That's why she left it to me." Peter looked at her. A millions pounds of stress were sitting on her shoulders, and he realized that his untimely arrival probably wasn't helping.
"Cass, is there anything I can do?" She sipped her water.
"Be there. Don't be anywhere else. Not until you have to be." He nodded. She quickly cleared her throat and tried to change the subject.
"How's the new album coming? It's October. Come on. Spill. You always have. I'll never let you quit." He shook his head and folded his arms on the table.
"Sorry, Cass. Top secret. Even from you. This one's going to be good. Believe me." She smiled as their waitress came to take their orders.
They devoured the food quickly, and went back to the not-so-intense discussion they had been engaged in prior to the coming of their meals.
"You finished the tape." Pete said, out of nowhere. Cassandra picked nervously at the top of her legs.
"Yes. I did. I've got a lot figured out, but not everything. Sorry. I still need more time." She had expected him to be angry. Instead, he just smiled.
"I got your CD this morning. I'll give you all the time you need, just as long as I keep getting those." She smiled. Oh yeah. She still had about 5 more songs to pick out. Fucking great.
"Fine by me." She got an idea.
"Swing?"
"Of course. I wouldn't want to deny it a chance to kill me. Or at least try. Let's go."
They paid, and walked back to Cassi's apartment to get the car. They drove to Cassi's house and went into the backyard. No swing.
"What the hell?" Cassi said, as she walked around the tree, refusing to believe it. "I'm getting dad."
She walked into the house, and her dad was on the couch, watching a harmless game of football. Oh, well. Regardless of how harmless that game was, she was still viciously pissed of at him.
"Dad. Where's the swing?" He looked up from his game, and sighed.
"I can't keep mom-related things around here anymore. It's been a year. I'm trying to forget her." His expression barely changed. She looked down.
"It's a year today." He nodded staring at the TV that wasn't even on anymore.
"A year today. Cass, if you don't mind, I'd like to be alone. You've got better things to do than watch your Father cry." He was right. He kissed his bald head, and went outside.
"Take me home." Peter was hoping she wouldn't really notice. That was selfish of him, though, because he knew she would. He got into the car, and drove in the opposite direction of her house.
"Peter. I'm serious. No surprises. I'm tired. Take me home."
He turned onto an old road that led to the cemetery. Cassandra shook her head.
"No. Not today. Any day but today." He pulled up next to the block containing her mother's grave. Pete exited the driver's side, and went around to Cassandra's door. She sat there, not responding to the hand he had held out to her.
"I'm not going out there." He ran his thumb along her jaw line.
"Do it, Cass. She misses you. You miss her. Better now, than never. Please? I know she'd love it. So do you." She sighed and rubbed her eyes as she slowly got out of her seat. How did she end up here?
She slowly approached her mother's grave and sat cross-legged in the crunchy grass in front of it's shiny marble surface. A single tear fell from her eye, down the side of her nose, and into the earth. She hoped maybe then, her mother would know she was there.
"Hey mom. It's me, Cass. I know you know it's me, but, I just thought I'd tell you anyway. Like this is a message, and you're out right now, but you'll get back to me as soon as you can. That's ridiculous, isn't it?
Really mom. I'm losing it. By it, I mean control. The store isn't doing so well. I guess that's not my fault, but I owe it's survival to you. You know that. I'm in love mom. I'm more in love than ever. You know who with. And you know why. Help. Please. Be a mom from the sidelines, like you used to say you were after I turned 18. I don't know how to handle my heart or his. Don't let me do something stupid.
Make dad put the swing back up. Let him know its okay to think of you every once and awhile and be lonely. It's okay to hurt because you're not around making homemade tomato soup and grilled cheese. Tell him its okay. He misses you so much, he's started watching football. Actually. That may not be dad. I'll make sure I walked into the right house next time I go home. Kidding, mom. You know I'm kidding.
Peter brought me here. I needed some mother/daughter time. I know this isn't really it, but I know you can at least hear me say I love you. I love you so much mommy, and I still need you so bad, and I'm not as grown up as I thought I was. I'm really not. I'm 25 going on 17 without you around. Help, mom. Please." Cassandra was crying to hard to talk now, and Pete put his arm around her shoulder. He knew she needed this. She knew he was right.
He helped her back into the car, and the ride home was silent. He knew she would go straight to bed, as she always did on the month-to-month anniversaries of her mother's passing. He couldn't blame her. He could stay in bed due to circumstances much lighter than that.
They got to the apartment, and she immediately went upstairs to sleep without saying a word.
She knew she needed to be stronger. For her, for her dad, for Peter, for her mom. She knew that so many people were relying on this immaculate strength that she really didn't have. It was exhausting. She fell into a fitful sleep, and didn't wake up for another 13 hours.
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