Categories > Books > Harry Potter > The Curse of Legalese
Flaming Bag of Dog Poo
1 reviewSequel to Potter's Revenge. What dangerous things existed in the Potter's vault? Harry's about to find out.
5Funny
Disclaimer: I wonder if Rowling lays awake at night worrying that fanfic writers are trying to steal her creation? Nah! The lawyers do. They worry that we'll try to make money off of what we do to fill our time between books. Personally I would love to know how anyone can make money off of writing and publishing fanfic.
Bad Author Notes: The nose of the lady in the chapter is inspired from a book by Janet Evanovich. If you get the chance read her 'Stephanie Plum' series. They always brighten my day when I'm depressed. And Ranger is yum yum.
Flaming Bag of Dog Poo
By Lady FoxFire
July 5, 2005
A muffled woman's voice floated into the living room, where Harry and Sirius sat surrounded by boxes, reading the legal papers that came from the Potter family vaults.
"I've told you. The Dursley's no longer live here," Remus growled in frustration.
Remus' tone of voice dragged Harry's attention from the ever-ending stack of legal papers scattered around him. He glanced up towards the hallway that lead to the front door with concern.
"No, they didn't leave a forwarding address. And no, I don't know where they moved to," he replied in a monotone.
With a shake of his head Harry started to read the papers once again.
"Yes he still lives here," Remus said, in such a tone that Harry knew instantly that Remus was rolling his eyes when he made the comment.
Harry couldn't make out what the woman replied with, but he could make a good guess from what Remus said next.
"No. They did not give him the house," Remus said in a clipped tone.
Whatever the woman said next was definitely something she
shouldn't have said, judging from what Remus replied with.
"Well why shouldn't he live here. He's always owned the house!"
The house vibrated as Remus slammed the door in the woman's face.
"Oh the nerve of that woman," Remus growled as he stormed into the living room.
"Who was it this time?" Harry asked setting aside the legal document he was reading.
"Mrs. Hummas... Cummas... the chubby lady with beach blond hair and who has a nose that looks like a penis," Remus growled as he fell back into his chair his arms crossed over his chest.
Sirius looked over the paper he was reading and looked at Remus then quickly looked at Harry.
"What did I miss?" He asked in confusion, as he looked back and forth between Harry and Remus.
"Nothing much." Harry said as he chose a new set of legal documents, "Just the Spanish Inquisition."
Sirius blinked at his godson for a moment, "The synchronized swimming nuns or the religious fanatic type?"
"Fanatic type," Remus said with a snort at Sirius's movie reference. "And thank Merlin for it! I would have had to Obliviate myself if I had seen her in a swim suit," he explained with a shiver.
Harry shivered in disgust. "Did you have to say that? Now I have that picture in my head!"
"So what did she want?" Sirius said with a raised eyebrow, and a smirk on his face from Harry's discomfort.
Remus looked bored, but his eyes crinkled in amusement as he watched Sirius. "The usual. She wanted to know where the Dursley's were at and what we did to them. Then she wanted to know why 'that mentally disturbed boy' was still here. And finally, she demanded to know why he was living here with 'our kind.'"
"'Our kind'?" Sirius asked his brow furrowed in confusion. "You mean she knew we were wizards?"
"No, Sirius." Harry said as he briefly looked up from the papers he was reviewing, "She thinks the two of you are queer and I'm your boy toy."
Sirius looked at Harry blankly for a moment. "I would.... You're my.... I LIKE GIRLS!" he sputtered, his face turning red.
Harry and Remus shared a look of amusement.
"Sirius if it make you feel better we can get revenge. Something that uses your unsung talents. We prank her," Harry suggested, a small, evil smirk on his face. "How about a flaming bag of dog shit?"
"Flaming bag of dog shit?" both Sirius and Remus said at the same time.
"Yeah," Harry said, his eyes twinkling with amusement. "You fill a paper bag with dog shit. Put it on someone's stoop, light the bag on fire, bang on the door, and then run like hell. When they open the door, they'll stomp on the bag trying to put the fire out, and get dog shit all over themselves," Harry explained.
Sirius and Remus looked at Harry with a look that could only be described as a cross of disbelief and pity.
Harry looked back and forth between his godfather and former professor before lowering his head in shame. "Well I heard Dudley talk about it. He said it was funny."
"It might be for a Muggle, but you're a wizard Harry," Remus explained gently. "We have more class, more style."
"Although, we might want to try that one out with Snape," Sirius said lost in thought. "Of course, we'll have to improve it a bit. Maybe make the shit climb up his legs once he gets it on him, or maybe it won't come off. Oh! Oh! I know! Make the smell linger for weeks."
Remus sighed wearily, as Sirius continued to mumble to himself.
"Now Harry, while the flaming dog shit prank..." Remus stumbled over the idea that flaming dog shit was a prank, "... while it's a good prank for a Muggle, you can do better."
"You mean like make her house invisible." A slight manic glint appeared in Harry's eyes. "I can just picture her calling the police saying someone has stolen her house."
"Hmmm," Sirius tapped his index finger against his chin. "Better, but you're still not quiet there. Beside these pranks would mean too much Muggle attention; the Ministry would get involved and it would get real messy."
"Right," Harry said as he started to chew on his nail, his eyes glazed over in thought. "How about a banana in the tail pipe... No. No, that's too Muggle. Make her hair fall out?"
"Shame she's a Muggle; could have scared her with the 'Grim'," Sirius mumbled.
Remus shook his head. "You two are pitiful," he said.
Harry and Sirius shared a look before Sirius leaned forward in his chair.
"Monsieur Moony, do you have an idea," Sirius asked, an almost feral grin appearing on his face.
"Pink Elephants," Remus said with a smirk.
Sirius leaned back in his chair. "You know, the flaming bag of dog shit is sounding better and better."
"At least let me explain," Remus said in a huff. "After all, James made us listen to your crazy idea about making an insect to spy in the girl showers."
"And it would have worked, too," Sirius said as he crossed his arms over his chest, his bottom lip sticking out in pout.
Harry put his head in his hands. "What's your idea Remus?"
"We put a spell on her so that everywhere she goes, she sees pink elephants," Remus said with a grin.
"Why pink elephants," Sirius asked as he raised an eyebrow in confusion.
"You see pink elephants when you're drunk," Moony explained.
Sirius tilted his head to the side in confusion. "I thought you see green donkeys?"
"You do," Remus said. "Wizards see green donkeys and Muggles see pink elephants."
Sirius turned to Harry. "Flaming bag of dog shit."
"Harry," Remus pleaded, while giving Harry the big soulful puppy dog eyes. "Please, can we go with my idea?"
"That's cheating!" Sirius shouted.
"Is not," Remus countered.
"Yes it is. Rule 126 in the Marauder handbook. No Marauder is allowed to use puppy dog eyes against any other Marauder to convince that Marauder to join in a prank."
"You've done it to me!" Remus replied. "Anyways, Harry isn't a Marauder."
"James and I did it so you won't tell Lily about what we did. That's allowed in the rule. And Harry's a son of the Marauder. And after what he did to that two-face-lying-piece-of-dog-shit-that-horse-rear-end of a woman married, Harry deserves to be a Marauder," Sirius said a mile a minute. "All those in favor of having Harry being made a Marauder instead of an honoree Marauder, say what!"
"What?" Both Remus and Harry said in confusion, as they looked at Sirius in wonder.
"The 'what's have it! Welcome to the Marauders Harry," Sirius babbled as he shook Harry's hand. "See Remus about getting a copy of the rule book."
"You chewed it up when James began to date Lily," Remus explained. "Rule 103, no pranking anyone dating a Marauder, unless the said marauder agrees to the pranking."
"But I thought we did prank Lily," Sirius said in confusion. "At the lake... seventh year."
"No, that was set up so James could propose to her," Remus explained.
A confused look came to Sirius's face. "Was that the one with the singing cups and talking clocks?"
Harry looked at this godfather and his adopted uncle; he then sniffed at the cup of tea he had been drinking. "Did one of you add something to the tea again?"
Bad Author Notes: The nose of the lady in the chapter is inspired from a book by Janet Evanovich. If you get the chance read her 'Stephanie Plum' series. They always brighten my day when I'm depressed. And Ranger is yum yum.
Flaming Bag of Dog Poo
By Lady FoxFire
July 5, 2005
A muffled woman's voice floated into the living room, where Harry and Sirius sat surrounded by boxes, reading the legal papers that came from the Potter family vaults.
"I've told you. The Dursley's no longer live here," Remus growled in frustration.
Remus' tone of voice dragged Harry's attention from the ever-ending stack of legal papers scattered around him. He glanced up towards the hallway that lead to the front door with concern.
"No, they didn't leave a forwarding address. And no, I don't know where they moved to," he replied in a monotone.
With a shake of his head Harry started to read the papers once again.
"Yes he still lives here," Remus said, in such a tone that Harry knew instantly that Remus was rolling his eyes when he made the comment.
Harry couldn't make out what the woman replied with, but he could make a good guess from what Remus said next.
"No. They did not give him the house," Remus said in a clipped tone.
Whatever the woman said next was definitely something she
shouldn't have said, judging from what Remus replied with.
"Well why shouldn't he live here. He's always owned the house!"
The house vibrated as Remus slammed the door in the woman's face.
"Oh the nerve of that woman," Remus growled as he stormed into the living room.
"Who was it this time?" Harry asked setting aside the legal document he was reading.
"Mrs. Hummas... Cummas... the chubby lady with beach blond hair and who has a nose that looks like a penis," Remus growled as he fell back into his chair his arms crossed over his chest.
Sirius looked over the paper he was reading and looked at Remus then quickly looked at Harry.
"What did I miss?" He asked in confusion, as he looked back and forth between Harry and Remus.
"Nothing much." Harry said as he chose a new set of legal documents, "Just the Spanish Inquisition."
Sirius blinked at his godson for a moment, "The synchronized swimming nuns or the religious fanatic type?"
"Fanatic type," Remus said with a snort at Sirius's movie reference. "And thank Merlin for it! I would have had to Obliviate myself if I had seen her in a swim suit," he explained with a shiver.
Harry shivered in disgust. "Did you have to say that? Now I have that picture in my head!"
"So what did she want?" Sirius said with a raised eyebrow, and a smirk on his face from Harry's discomfort.
Remus looked bored, but his eyes crinkled in amusement as he watched Sirius. "The usual. She wanted to know where the Dursley's were at and what we did to them. Then she wanted to know why 'that mentally disturbed boy' was still here. And finally, she demanded to know why he was living here with 'our kind.'"
"'Our kind'?" Sirius asked his brow furrowed in confusion. "You mean she knew we were wizards?"
"No, Sirius." Harry said as he briefly looked up from the papers he was reviewing, "She thinks the two of you are queer and I'm your boy toy."
Sirius looked at Harry blankly for a moment. "I would.... You're my.... I LIKE GIRLS!" he sputtered, his face turning red.
Harry and Remus shared a look of amusement.
"Sirius if it make you feel better we can get revenge. Something that uses your unsung talents. We prank her," Harry suggested, a small, evil smirk on his face. "How about a flaming bag of dog shit?"
"Flaming bag of dog shit?" both Sirius and Remus said at the same time.
"Yeah," Harry said, his eyes twinkling with amusement. "You fill a paper bag with dog shit. Put it on someone's stoop, light the bag on fire, bang on the door, and then run like hell. When they open the door, they'll stomp on the bag trying to put the fire out, and get dog shit all over themselves," Harry explained.
Sirius and Remus looked at Harry with a look that could only be described as a cross of disbelief and pity.
Harry looked back and forth between his godfather and former professor before lowering his head in shame. "Well I heard Dudley talk about it. He said it was funny."
"It might be for a Muggle, but you're a wizard Harry," Remus explained gently. "We have more class, more style."
"Although, we might want to try that one out with Snape," Sirius said lost in thought. "Of course, we'll have to improve it a bit. Maybe make the shit climb up his legs once he gets it on him, or maybe it won't come off. Oh! Oh! I know! Make the smell linger for weeks."
Remus sighed wearily, as Sirius continued to mumble to himself.
"Now Harry, while the flaming dog shit prank..." Remus stumbled over the idea that flaming dog shit was a prank, "... while it's a good prank for a Muggle, you can do better."
"You mean like make her house invisible." A slight manic glint appeared in Harry's eyes. "I can just picture her calling the police saying someone has stolen her house."
"Hmmm," Sirius tapped his index finger against his chin. "Better, but you're still not quiet there. Beside these pranks would mean too much Muggle attention; the Ministry would get involved and it would get real messy."
"Right," Harry said as he started to chew on his nail, his eyes glazed over in thought. "How about a banana in the tail pipe... No. No, that's too Muggle. Make her hair fall out?"
"Shame she's a Muggle; could have scared her with the 'Grim'," Sirius mumbled.
Remus shook his head. "You two are pitiful," he said.
Harry and Sirius shared a look before Sirius leaned forward in his chair.
"Monsieur Moony, do you have an idea," Sirius asked, an almost feral grin appearing on his face.
"Pink Elephants," Remus said with a smirk.
Sirius leaned back in his chair. "You know, the flaming bag of dog shit is sounding better and better."
"At least let me explain," Remus said in a huff. "After all, James made us listen to your crazy idea about making an insect to spy in the girl showers."
"And it would have worked, too," Sirius said as he crossed his arms over his chest, his bottom lip sticking out in pout.
Harry put his head in his hands. "What's your idea Remus?"
"We put a spell on her so that everywhere she goes, she sees pink elephants," Remus said with a grin.
"Why pink elephants," Sirius asked as he raised an eyebrow in confusion.
"You see pink elephants when you're drunk," Moony explained.
Sirius tilted his head to the side in confusion. "I thought you see green donkeys?"
"You do," Remus said. "Wizards see green donkeys and Muggles see pink elephants."
Sirius turned to Harry. "Flaming bag of dog shit."
"Harry," Remus pleaded, while giving Harry the big soulful puppy dog eyes. "Please, can we go with my idea?"
"That's cheating!" Sirius shouted.
"Is not," Remus countered.
"Yes it is. Rule 126 in the Marauder handbook. No Marauder is allowed to use puppy dog eyes against any other Marauder to convince that Marauder to join in a prank."
"You've done it to me!" Remus replied. "Anyways, Harry isn't a Marauder."
"James and I did it so you won't tell Lily about what we did. That's allowed in the rule. And Harry's a son of the Marauder. And after what he did to that two-face-lying-piece-of-dog-shit-that-horse-rear-end of a woman married, Harry deserves to be a Marauder," Sirius said a mile a minute. "All those in favor of having Harry being made a Marauder instead of an honoree Marauder, say what!"
"What?" Both Remus and Harry said in confusion, as they looked at Sirius in wonder.
"The 'what's have it! Welcome to the Marauders Harry," Sirius babbled as he shook Harry's hand. "See Remus about getting a copy of the rule book."
"You chewed it up when James began to date Lily," Remus explained. "Rule 103, no pranking anyone dating a Marauder, unless the said marauder agrees to the pranking."
"But I thought we did prank Lily," Sirius said in confusion. "At the lake... seventh year."
"No, that was set up so James could propose to her," Remus explained.
A confused look came to Sirius's face. "Was that the one with the singing cups and talking clocks?"
Harry looked at this godfather and his adopted uncle; he then sniffed at the cup of tea he had been drinking. "Did one of you add something to the tea again?"
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