Categories > Celebrities > Fall Out Boy > The Bass Files
How guys function: The philosophy of Mr. Meatball
10 reviewsDue to popular (in fact, it was just one reviewer) demand (in fact, it was more along the lines of harrassment ;) ) chapter 21 celebrates the return of the "real star" of The Bass Files, Mr. Meatb...
1Exciting
21. How guys function: The philosophy of Mr. Meatball
Ten minutes later I finally found Joe and Andy who were chatting up two girls.
"Hey, guys," both turned around to me.
"Sheena, what´s up?" Andy asked.
"Ah, Patrick just left with Joyce."
Joe raised an eyebrow, "Really? Where to?"
"I have no idea. I guess to either your or her place..."
Andy looked more than just confused, "Say what?"
"I kinda caught them in the middle of hardcore making out."
"WHAT?" The two men shouted in unison.
I shook my head, "I know, I know. I was trying to find you so we could do something about it."
There was a short pause.
"What do you mean ´do something about it´?" Joe raised the other eyebrow. (Under different circumstances that would have been a really fun thing to watch.)
"Like... I don´t know. They´re both drunk, they could do something stupid. They´re most definitely planing on doing something stupid."
"Patrick´s old enough to handle that on his own, I think." So much for support from Joe. Why didn´t that surprise me?
I looked at Andy in expectation.
He cleared his throat, "I´m sorry to say this, Sheena, but I´m with Joe here. That´s his business."
"What about your sister then?" I couldn´t believe Patrick´s supposed friends showed so little interest in keeping him from making a huge mistake.
"If I butt into Joyce´s love life all hell will break loose at home. No, thank you."
AAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*
The two girls had witnessed our conversation until now and then obviously got bored and left.
"Fine then," I gave up. Patrick hadn´t exactly qualified for his rescue anyway. Still, it really bothered me that Andy didn´t seem to give a cow´s tail about what Patrick was doing. I had always considered him to be the personification of loyalty. (And the personification of hotness, but I guess, that´s a slightly different matter.)
"So I guess you´re our ride then. Joyce has the car keys," Andy said.
"Alright but I´m leaving now," I snorted. The party was over for me.
Andy and Joe followed me to my car, chatting happily as if nothing completely insane had just happened. It just made me angrier.
A few moments later we had arrived at Andy´s place. "Aha, so they´re here," he pointed at his and Joyce´s car parked in the driveway.
I switched off the engine, "I´m coming with you, Andy."
"What?"
Joe, sitting on the passenger side, grabbed my upper arm, "No, you´re not."
I brushed off his hand, "You don´t understand." Then I started shouting, "YOU FUCKING NEVER UNDERSTAND, JOE! All you see in girls is a less arduous way of getting off than masturbation. But Patrick is in love with her and she´s shamelessly using him to get revenge on Pete!"
"Ah, Sheena," Andy sounded from the backseat, "I think you wanna calm down a bit."
"No, I DON´T WANNA calm down. What I WANT is you guys to acknowledge the gravity of the situation."
"So what exactly do you plan on doing once you´re in the house? If I may ask," Andy retorted.
"I don´t know... Tell them it´s a mistake? Anything really... Anything to stop them from..."
Joe place his hand on my shoulder to give emphasis to his words, "Sheena, Patrick has to make his own mistakes. Even if they do have sex, the world´s not gonna end."
Silence.
"Plus, he´s been waiting to lay that chick for YEARS so don´t ruin his chance now," he added. Upon that Andy shot him a semi-mad glance. It was, after all, Joyce we were talking about.
I sighed and started the engine again, "Alright. Night, Andy." My voice reflected my anger perfectly.
"Um, in fact, I think I´ll sleep at Joe´s place. I don´t wanna be around when they... do it."
I rolled my eyes and started driving in the direction of Patrick´s and Joe´s apartment.
When I was at home I tried to reach both Patrick and Joyce on their cell phones but neither picked up. Of course not.
_ _ _ _ _ _
After having woken up the next morning I wondered about calling Patrick again. I stared at my phone for about five minutes and then decided against it. He was on his own now.
"Do you think they did it?" I nodded at Mr. Meatball who was sitting on the floor next to my bed, looking up at me. I really had to remember to close the windows at night.
"Meow,"** he said.
"I really don´t get Joe and Andy. His so-called friends. I mean don´t they know that they won´t really hook up? Joyce will go back to Pete, everyone can see she´s a sucker for him. Patrick´s not her type... He´s sweet and caring and doesn´t treat her like shit." I patted the tom cat´s head, "Why don´t the guys realize this is what´s bound to happen?"
"Meow,"* The brownish tabby lied down on its side and started licking the part of his body that justified referring to him as a ´Mister´.
Once he was finished with cleaning himself I stroked him again, "Thanks for listening, Mr. Meatball. It seems you´re the only one who is as reasonable as me."
"MEOW!"**
Then I picked him up and put him on my door mat before shutting the door in front of his nose. On my way to the kitchen I could hear a muffled "meow"***.
_ _ _ _ _
Morning turned into noon, noon turned into afternoon and by then I was so on pins and needles that I headed over to Andy´s even though we had agreed on meeting at 7 PM to practice for an upcoming show at one of the local colleges.
"Hi, Sheena," Andy said as he opened the door for me. "You´re early."
"Yeah, can I still come in?"
He nodded. We went into the kitchen and the guy poured us something to drink. I stared at my glass.
"In case you were wondering neither Patrick nor Joyce are around now. I stopped by before going to work this morning but didn´t see them." He scratched his head, "They were probably still in bed."
I felt the sudden urge to hold my hands against my ears and sing "Mary had a little lamb" so loudly that I wouldn´t hear what he was talking about. I mean, it usually works for the president.
Well, I guessed Patrick had gone to work this morning. Joyce was probably at Fox´s or Nadine´s and bragging about the latest notch in her bed post.
Andy checked his watch, "I´ll call up Joe. He should be home from work by now. I´ll ask him if Patrick is around. Maybe we can start practicing earlier."
Half an hour and some awkward small talk with Andy later our guitarists showed up. Patrick walked into the garage as if nothing had happened. He wasn´t sad, he wasn´t cheerful. Normal Patrick mood.
"Hey, you two," he said. "I brought some new ideas for songs." Then he rummaged in his backpack.
Some new ideas for songs, he says. How about some new information on your sex life?
He handed each of us a a couple of sheets with musical notation. I just stared at them and pretended to read. Joe and Andy acted as if nothing had happened too. I pretty much had expected that but now it made me angry again.
We played for about two hours and tried out some of Patrick´s new ideas. It did sound really good.
As Patrick was putting his guitar in its case I asked him if he cared to go out for dinner. Joe looked at me as if to say "Mind your own business!" but that was really not on my list.
He shrugged, "Sure."
We said bye to the other two guys and headed outside.
_____________________________________
* I´m positive you will understand that these circumstances require something as drastic as multiple exclamation points.
** A note from the author:
This loosely translates into "Honestly, I really don´t care."
* Again, the author wants to enlighten those of you who, like Sheena, are not familiar with feline lingo:
"It´s a guys´ thing, really. You women can´t understand that. We men do not get involved in each other´s business. Imagine the trashing I would receive from the two fleabags living down the street if I told them to stop wooing the stuffed cat in Mrs. Jefferson´s window because they´re making complete dogs [this word is, of course, not exactly a compliment coming from a cat; its meaning is somewhat close to ´a being that is incapable of thinking because it was born with a brain the size of a cranberry´] of themselves. And now, cut the girl talk and feed me."
** "I BEG TO DIFFER. I´m the only reasonable creature in this room. Now, FEED ME!"
*** "Dog!"
Ten minutes later I finally found Joe and Andy who were chatting up two girls.
"Hey, guys," both turned around to me.
"Sheena, what´s up?" Andy asked.
"Ah, Patrick just left with Joyce."
Joe raised an eyebrow, "Really? Where to?"
"I have no idea. I guess to either your or her place..."
Andy looked more than just confused, "Say what?"
"I kinda caught them in the middle of hardcore making out."
"WHAT?" The two men shouted in unison.
I shook my head, "I know, I know. I was trying to find you so we could do something about it."
There was a short pause.
"What do you mean ´do something about it´?" Joe raised the other eyebrow. (Under different circumstances that would have been a really fun thing to watch.)
"Like... I don´t know. They´re both drunk, they could do something stupid. They´re most definitely planing on doing something stupid."
"Patrick´s old enough to handle that on his own, I think." So much for support from Joe. Why didn´t that surprise me?
I looked at Andy in expectation.
He cleared his throat, "I´m sorry to say this, Sheena, but I´m with Joe here. That´s his business."
"What about your sister then?" I couldn´t believe Patrick´s supposed friends showed so little interest in keeping him from making a huge mistake.
"If I butt into Joyce´s love life all hell will break loose at home. No, thank you."
AAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*
The two girls had witnessed our conversation until now and then obviously got bored and left.
"Fine then," I gave up. Patrick hadn´t exactly qualified for his rescue anyway. Still, it really bothered me that Andy didn´t seem to give a cow´s tail about what Patrick was doing. I had always considered him to be the personification of loyalty. (And the personification of hotness, but I guess, that´s a slightly different matter.)
"So I guess you´re our ride then. Joyce has the car keys," Andy said.
"Alright but I´m leaving now," I snorted. The party was over for me.
Andy and Joe followed me to my car, chatting happily as if nothing completely insane had just happened. It just made me angrier.
A few moments later we had arrived at Andy´s place. "Aha, so they´re here," he pointed at his and Joyce´s car parked in the driveway.
I switched off the engine, "I´m coming with you, Andy."
"What?"
Joe, sitting on the passenger side, grabbed my upper arm, "No, you´re not."
I brushed off his hand, "You don´t understand." Then I started shouting, "YOU FUCKING NEVER UNDERSTAND, JOE! All you see in girls is a less arduous way of getting off than masturbation. But Patrick is in love with her and she´s shamelessly using him to get revenge on Pete!"
"Ah, Sheena," Andy sounded from the backseat, "I think you wanna calm down a bit."
"No, I DON´T WANNA calm down. What I WANT is you guys to acknowledge the gravity of the situation."
"So what exactly do you plan on doing once you´re in the house? If I may ask," Andy retorted.
"I don´t know... Tell them it´s a mistake? Anything really... Anything to stop them from..."
Joe place his hand on my shoulder to give emphasis to his words, "Sheena, Patrick has to make his own mistakes. Even if they do have sex, the world´s not gonna end."
Silence.
"Plus, he´s been waiting to lay that chick for YEARS so don´t ruin his chance now," he added. Upon that Andy shot him a semi-mad glance. It was, after all, Joyce we were talking about.
I sighed and started the engine again, "Alright. Night, Andy." My voice reflected my anger perfectly.
"Um, in fact, I think I´ll sleep at Joe´s place. I don´t wanna be around when they... do it."
I rolled my eyes and started driving in the direction of Patrick´s and Joe´s apartment.
When I was at home I tried to reach both Patrick and Joyce on their cell phones but neither picked up. Of course not.
_ _ _ _ _ _
After having woken up the next morning I wondered about calling Patrick again. I stared at my phone for about five minutes and then decided against it. He was on his own now.
"Do you think they did it?" I nodded at Mr. Meatball who was sitting on the floor next to my bed, looking up at me. I really had to remember to close the windows at night.
"Meow,"** he said.
"I really don´t get Joe and Andy. His so-called friends. I mean don´t they know that they won´t really hook up? Joyce will go back to Pete, everyone can see she´s a sucker for him. Patrick´s not her type... He´s sweet and caring and doesn´t treat her like shit." I patted the tom cat´s head, "Why don´t the guys realize this is what´s bound to happen?"
"Meow,"* The brownish tabby lied down on its side and started licking the part of his body that justified referring to him as a ´Mister´.
Once he was finished with cleaning himself I stroked him again, "Thanks for listening, Mr. Meatball. It seems you´re the only one who is as reasonable as me."
"MEOW!"**
Then I picked him up and put him on my door mat before shutting the door in front of his nose. On my way to the kitchen I could hear a muffled "meow"***.
_ _ _ _ _
Morning turned into noon, noon turned into afternoon and by then I was so on pins and needles that I headed over to Andy´s even though we had agreed on meeting at 7 PM to practice for an upcoming show at one of the local colleges.
"Hi, Sheena," Andy said as he opened the door for me. "You´re early."
"Yeah, can I still come in?"
He nodded. We went into the kitchen and the guy poured us something to drink. I stared at my glass.
"In case you were wondering neither Patrick nor Joyce are around now. I stopped by before going to work this morning but didn´t see them." He scratched his head, "They were probably still in bed."
I felt the sudden urge to hold my hands against my ears and sing "Mary had a little lamb" so loudly that I wouldn´t hear what he was talking about. I mean, it usually works for the president.
Well, I guessed Patrick had gone to work this morning. Joyce was probably at Fox´s or Nadine´s and bragging about the latest notch in her bed post.
Andy checked his watch, "I´ll call up Joe. He should be home from work by now. I´ll ask him if Patrick is around. Maybe we can start practicing earlier."
Half an hour and some awkward small talk with Andy later our guitarists showed up. Patrick walked into the garage as if nothing had happened. He wasn´t sad, he wasn´t cheerful. Normal Patrick mood.
"Hey, you two," he said. "I brought some new ideas for songs." Then he rummaged in his backpack.
Some new ideas for songs, he says. How about some new information on your sex life?
He handed each of us a a couple of sheets with musical notation. I just stared at them and pretended to read. Joe and Andy acted as if nothing had happened too. I pretty much had expected that but now it made me angry again.
We played for about two hours and tried out some of Patrick´s new ideas. It did sound really good.
As Patrick was putting his guitar in its case I asked him if he cared to go out for dinner. Joe looked at me as if to say "Mind your own business!" but that was really not on my list.
He shrugged, "Sure."
We said bye to the other two guys and headed outside.
_____________________________________
* I´m positive you will understand that these circumstances require something as drastic as multiple exclamation points.
** A note from the author:
This loosely translates into "Honestly, I really don´t care."
* Again, the author wants to enlighten those of you who, like Sheena, are not familiar with feline lingo:
"It´s a guys´ thing, really. You women can´t understand that. We men do not get involved in each other´s business. Imagine the trashing I would receive from the two fleabags living down the street if I told them to stop wooing the stuffed cat in Mrs. Jefferson´s window because they´re making complete dogs [this word is, of course, not exactly a compliment coming from a cat; its meaning is somewhat close to ´a being that is incapable of thinking because it was born with a brain the size of a cranberry´] of themselves. And now, cut the girl talk and feed me."
** "I BEG TO DIFFER. I´m the only reasonable creature in this room. Now, FEED ME!"
*** "Dog!"
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